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Deepest sympathy...though i dont understand why you'd want to burden us with your troubles. My mother dying is something I never want to go through, and seeing your post kinda makes it even more of a reality. But, she was 53? Thats quite young. What was wrong?
Posts: 4 | Registered: Jul 2005
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I'm so sorry, Teperion! Please accept my deepest sympathy. That must have been a terrible shock to find her like that. 53 is so very young. It must be a great blow to you.
Know that we are here and we care about you and support you. May you find comfort in your grief.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
She and I had gotten in a little fight this past week. All my fault. I had downloaded a game onto the computer...without asking. It's her 'puter and the understanding is to ask before uploading anything. Well, I decided it was a small game and no prob. Well she didn't think so and called it a breach of trust. I was very angry for the first day, that she would get so upset over such a small thing. But I came to and realised that I was a bastard. So I apologized and we kissed and made up.
The wierd thing is that it's almost like she knew. She's been so devestated from the divorce from my Dad three years ago that no matter how I tried to cheer her up usually failed. I became very resentful that she would just. not. heal. Because her pain was mine. So I was forced to live with it. Not that I was an easy person to live with. We both had to deal with each other and things that annoyed each other about each other.
But this past year I was really getting used to the idea that I would take care of her. That and because of my poverty this past year my doing most of the house-work was my rent money.
So I was depressed too. But my normal state is to be happy. Well.. normal when there is little stress. Most stress gets me depressed very very easily. So we both ossilated back and forth between being down and being happy. And very rarely would we both be happy at the same time. When one was happy we would try and cheer up the other...usually to no effect. But every once in a while we would be on the same wavelength. And this past week we were almost there. While I wasn't HAPPY, I was at least not bitter and upset. After we made up she bought two pizza'a for us for no reason and was very nice and loving.
And the last night I saw her... I got home from work at midnight, and she had just gotten home from a date! A good date! And she was happy. So I stayed up for a bit and talked to her about it...when, while I really want her to find love again, I'm so self abosrbed cannot find much energy for others. But I did for a bit. We only have cable up in her room so while she stayed up for a bit on the computer I watched Paranoia Agent on Adult Swim. When she came up at 1:30am to kick me out I was just going to run downstairs with a quick "bye". But she stopped me saying "give me a hug". I was like "um.. ok!" Hug for a minute then run downstairs.
She asked me to stay up till 6:30am to wake her up for work, since she would have trouble getting up for work...and I work the afternoon shift anyway. So did that and woke her up. Then I went to bed. My brother came home from work at 7:00am and did the same...and he said that she was awake and talking on the phone.
Well.... she didn't go in to work. She can log on to Ford from home so I guess she decided to work from home. Well... I got up at 3:00pm (my day off) and walked into the front room... and I found her slumped over in the chair in front of the computer. For a split second I thought she was alseep. But I realized NO. Ran over... and I knew instantly that she must be dead.. she was cold and her skin was mottled all over. Our house phone is out of wack so I used my cell to call 911. Totally lost it talking to them. Called my brother...no answer so I left a voice mail. Called my Aunt Jenny and she talked with me till the paramedics arrived... 2 seconds after my brother. She was "can you do CPR" and I was like "I don't think it will matter". And the medics said that she'd been dead for several hours.
What a f*#&@$ up day. Spent an hour on the phone with my brother as we called everyone we knew while waiting for my Aunt Betsy, who has medical power of atturney, and my Dad. My Mom had a thousand things wrong with her and was taking like 30 different meds and was seeing about 15 doctors. We couldnt' figure out who was her main physisican and we needed to tell the cops who that was so they could talk to her Dr. and rule out foul play... otherwise they would have to take her to the medical examiner.
Well... they didn't have to... and a shame since we have to pay 1,500 for a private autopsy and government one is free for us. Spent about 5 hours at the funeral home with my brother, Dad, and Aunt Betsy working over arrangements and paperwork and payments and whatnot.
Now I'm over my friend Shawn's house drinking.
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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No matter what, she knew you loved her. If there's one thing I've learned from my own mum, it's that. I can't imagine a worse day... Again, I feel for you....
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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I am so sorry. 53 is so young. She should've had so many good years left. If there is anything I can do don't hesitate to ask. (((((Telp))))))
Posts: 1015 | Registered: Aug 2004
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(((Telp))) I'm really sorry. I will think about you and your Mom really hard. Take care of you.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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Make sure to eat, make sure your family eats. Whenever you can be around people, no matter how you feel. Express how you feel.
I say these things because they were the things I had problems with when we lost a parent.
I still can't express how I feel most of the time. Best wishes to you and your family. Hugs are wonderful, give and take them often.
Posts: 189 | Registered: Jun 2005
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My Mum turns 50 this year and I cannot imagine losing her in 3 years time.
I am so, so, sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. Know we're here anytime you wish to rant, vent, or whatever. *hugs*
Posts: 4393 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
Thanks guys. Well... it's 6:20am.. and I can't sleep here. I want to go home. Only one person left to drive me home and they think I shouldn't go home, but I don't want to stay here. I guess I'll just walk home if they won't take me. We have to be up at noon and I'll be a total wreck if I can't get any sleep. Take care Hatrack...thanks again for being my friends.
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
All I can think of is the end of Season Four of Buffy, I think, when she came home and found her mom dead, I think it was you mentioning the 'Date' ahead of time.
That episode moves me more then real death for some reason I do not really understand. I 'get it' when I see SMG do it.
It sounds as if you are facing a horrible crisis of detail and grief. I wish I were in a position to help you sort the financial details and help with the niggling stuff. I hope you have help for all that.
Drink, but try to wake her in the Irish Way, grieve with joy and celebrate what was good. Then get sober and get busy until all the details are taken care of. They can get you evicted or your power shut off or any number of inconveniences you do not need right now.
I was sure when I got here the London bombings would be plastered all over the place, but this is worse to hear. If you need anything I can give, I'll be around again, I think.
Posts: 1114 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Take care, Telp. Are you in immediate need of cash? Hatrackers aren't rich, as a rule, but we take care of our own.
Posts: 7790 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Telperion, you're already doing the right things - reaching out to people who will listen; verbalizing the story (which has the effect of purging AND of creating a little emotional distance); immersing yourself in the details of life after losing someone.
It's important that you remember that while many people will give you advice (including me!), you should usually follow your own inclinations. That is, if they say, "No, stay and be with people" but you know that what you need is to be alone - then be alone, for a little at least. If someone says, "You can't stay in the house where she died," but you feel that you WANT to be there because that's where you were last together with her, then do what YOU think is right and what YOU feel that you need.
And your needs and decisions will change over time - that's ok too.
There are things you'll do for others, of course - funerals are for other people, really, not for you - a way for them to offer their support. Accept their support ...
There are some things, though, that you might feel inclined to do. Self-anesthetization begins rationally enough - alcohol does indeed numb some emotions. But it's like taking morphine for pain. It works for a while, but it's also easy to keep the anesthetization going long after the pain is manageable without it.
Meanwhile, the more you write down NOW the happier you'll be later. Even if you get emotional while doing it, write down free-assocation memoirs of your mother. Experiences you had together. Good and bad! Because later you WILL come to feel that your memory of her is slipping away. So anything you write about her now - including absolutely mundane things like what she liked to order from certain restaurants or personal quirks or things you quarreled about or songs she hummed or sang - those things will be really, really important to you later.
Meanwhile, I'll try to forget that I'm 53 myself right now. No, I won't. I already know how fragile life is, and how easily it can end, and how the grief of loss doesn't so much fade as get pushed into the background, always ready to come right to the foreground again at a moment's notice.
Posts: 2005 | Registered: Jul 1999
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I am sorry to hear that Telp. I know that one of the scariest moments for me was a few years back when my mom suffured a stroke. Just know that anyone here on Hatrack is willing to talk to you or help you in any way possible.
posted
Telp.... I am so sorry for your loss. Only in my nightmares have I ever been in a situation like the one you found yourself in. Reading your account of the past day was sad, but it also showed how much you cared about your mom. It can be hard getting along with our parents, no matter what age, with perhaps the exception of when we are very young. I am glad you were feeling that your relationship was moving forward. Hold on to those memories. Heck, hold on to all your memories. May your mother be at peace.
I second writing. Journals can be wonderfully healing. Just a suggestion, you might find a special journal where you write letters to your mom to be healing.All the things you never got to say, all the new things you want to tell her. The grief will come in waves and will take time, be gentle with yourself, and don't let anyone dictate the timetable of your grieving.
Just wanted to throw out, I didn't even have the casual brew until several months after Brian Benjamin's death because I wanted to be sure I wasn't numbing myself. As much as it hurts you need these feelings. Delaying them won't make them go away, it only stunts the grieving process and may give you an ulcer besides.
posted
(((Telp))) I'm so sorry honey. Please keep checking in here so we know how you're doing. We all love you. I hope you remember that.
I'd love to know more about your mom too when you feel like telling us about her. She sounds like a wonderful lady who loved you.
Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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If there's anything I can do (which I'd doubt, but never the less I offer my service), I live in the Detroit area, not far from you I believe. I don't remember exactly where you live, but Royal Oak isn't far from most of the metro area. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Writing in journals or on a forum such as this is a good way to get a lot of your emotions out. Many people find it very cathartic, helps to focus the mind and clear your thoughts.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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Telp... wow. That's so sad. I can't give any better advice than has already been given, but I will add my voice to the chorus of people who wish this hadn't happened, and who feel a small part of your grief with you. God bless.
Posts: 2804 | Registered: May 2003
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I am so sorry for your loss, Telp. To second everyone else, don't hesitate to let me know if you need anything. Whatever it is. ((Telp))
Posts: 786 | Registered: Jun 2003
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