posted
Hey everyone. I have a problem at the moment, and I'm hoping to get a wide ranging take on it.
My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 3. Recently I discovered that she was going into online cybersex chat rooms and doing that sort of thing - not super graphic, but close. Non-nude pictures are being exchanged, but nothing more than that, I think.
She's apparently only been doing it for a short while, and she says she's doing it on a whim, just to blow off steam since she's recently gone back to school. The whole time she's been doing it, she's been hiding it from me, because she doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong and didn't want to argue with me about it. She has also exhibited defensiveness about cell phone text messages and things like that, leading me to believe that there's something more going on then she's telling me. In other words, she's not acting like it's a whim.
Now, I feel like what she's doing is wrong - i think the barometer is secrecy; if you need to hide it, it's wrong. I don't think she has actually cheated yet, but I am afraid that if she continues doing it that she might. On the other hand, the defensiveness could very well be frustration and anger that I don't trust her (her explanation).
I've tried to be clear about how I feel, but she won't accept that I am hurt, and continues to defend her actions as being harmless fun - thereby making me the person who is at fault for "doubting her".
Right now, I'm having issues trusting my wife, which is completely new and incredibly difficult for me. I am committed to doing what I have to do to solve this, but I can't seem to make her understand that I'm not going to be able to just sweep this under the rug. Women - do you have any advice as to how I can help this along?
I agree that the lying and hiding is the worst part, and I'm afraid you're right in your fears.
I think www.marriagebuilders.com has a lot of great advice. There is too much to summarize, but he addresses trust and infidelity and things close to it specifically. I really like everything on there.
You're LDS, right? It seems like it - I can't remember. I think...I think there's a good chance that she doesn't feel good about her choices right now. In general, it seems like if someone doesn't feel good about their choices, they'll either repent or reject that which is telling them their choices are not good. Guilt is a nonsustainable emotion, but there is more than one way to get rid of it, unfortunately. That's not really advice, but sort of something to look out for.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
oh, wow. That's a tough one. I mostly agree with Katharina here. I think you guys need to enter marriage counseling. Maybe approach her about it by saying that you feel that her decision to do these things and to keep it secret from you may mean that she is having problems with the relationship that she is not comfortable talking to you about, but that you need to talk about them...so discussing them with a counselor might be the best idea for both of you.
I think people seldom start showing behaviors like this unless there is an underlying problem. It's probably that underlying problem that needs to be addressed, and I assume that a marriage counselor would be the best person to help you both do that.
Good luck! I hope everything works out well for you.
Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
The disparity in how you view this issue is pretty central. I definitely agree with you on the barometer of secrecy: if she was hiding it, there's a reason.
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that going into a cybersex chatroom and engaging in ANY amount of discourse there, ultra-graphic or not, is not cheating. If you don't feel it was infidelitous, then fine, but if she's trying to make you feel like it wasn't, don't just accept that.
Regarding the text messages: are they text messages to and from people she's been chatting with?
You may try explaining to her that if she needs to blow off steam, it bothers you that she's going into a cybersex chat room and showing people her picture rather than approaching you, her husband, for activities (of any, not just the sexual, variety).
Lastly: that sucks, real bad. I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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quote:The whole time she's been doing it, she's been hiding it from me, because she doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong and didn't want to argue with me about it.
is pretty telling. As you said, if you're not doing anything wrong, why do you have to hide it?
As far as I'm concerned, she's already cheating on you (not to say that I think that she's having an affair; not enough info to say). I would recommend that the two of you get into some marriage counselling. I am, of course, completely unqualified to dispense relationship advice of any sort, so YMMV.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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quote:I don't think she has actually cheated yet, but I am afraid that if she continues doing it that she might.
You're almost certainly right. It's not just a matter of browsing porn; she's actually interacting with people in a deliberately sexual way, and it's almost inevitable that she'll escalate the nature of that "interaction" over time.
I think there are two paths open to you: you can explain to her that you're not comfortable with sexual sharing, and perhaps offer to engage in the chat and other things she finds so "exciting" with her (more than a few couples on Hatrack write erotic stories back and forth to each other, I know for a fact); or you can make it clear to her just how much you are comfortable with, and agree to let her have her "fun" within those boundaries.
It's my gut feeling that the latter option is doomed to fail, but I do know some extraordinary individuals who are able to maintain that kind of line. I know far more people who failed to do so, though, or wound up drawing the line in the wrong place and thus lost a partner to jealousy and resentment.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
My favorite definition of cheating is "Anything you wouldn't want your significant other to see, hear, or read about." ie, if it seems sketchy and like it would hurt them, it's cheating. Also, while I know of people who have sucessful relationships which involve interaction of some kind with other people, these relationships are predicated on openness and trust. Everyone knew what they were getting into and had their eyes wide open. So - yeah.
I think bringing in an impartial third party would be wise. Maybe also try writing your ideas down? I encourage you NOT to give it to her until you've revised it a bunch and maybe even just tear it up once you've got everything clearly articulated, but that always helps me when I have to deal with tough issues.
posted
I know you asked for womenly advice but here is my 2 cents free (well you have to spend time reading it)
Can't say almost anything that hasnt already been said. I agree with the advice you have been given.
If she felt there is nothing wrong with it, but didnt tell you because she was afraid that, "You wouldnt understand," I would suggest offering to let her explain why she does it, and what attracts her about it.
Offer to sit and watch as she goes in the chat rooms. And promise to merely observe and do nothing. If she is not comfortable with that, it proves that there IS something wrong with it, and she is simply in denial about it.
I don't know if I would go into marriage counseling as that is something only you and her can judge, but CLEARLY there is a problem with communication as she did not feel it was neccessary to inform you of her new found recreation.
Try to be open minded, but make SURE she knows how your are feeling about this, be honest open and frank, BUT keep things civil and try to encourage her to explain things down to the last detail.
Best of luck, I hope you can clear this obstacle with your wife and come out of it all the stronger.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Offer to sit and watch as she goes in the chat rooms. And promise to merely observe and do nothing. If she is not comfortable with that, it proves that there IS something wrong with it, and she is simply in denial about it.
Not necessarily; I'd imagine that going into a cybersex chat room is the sort of experience one feels uncomfortable with doing in front of ANYONE else, at least all the time. I'm sure it could be turned into an enjoyable experience for a couple, much the same way watching porn or any number of other normally privatized activities can be, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if she was extremely uncomfortable with him there, even if her intentions are the best.
Posts: 4313 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
This goes deeper than her hanging out in cybersex chat rooms. That's a symptom of the larger problem, which you need to discover and address. Your wife is probably feeling stressed, confused, abandoned, lonely, something.
She's turned to illicit activities as an attempt to combat some feeling, or seek comfort somehow. The two of you need to discover what it is in her life, and possibly in your relationship, which is causing her to change her behavior in a destructive way.
It doesn't sound like you view what she's doing as horrible itself, which is good, because you two can figure out what's wrong and fix it. If you just have her stop doing this, and don't address the underlying problem though, I fear that it could fester and only lead to more problems down the line.
Good luck. This sounds tough, but it's a great first step that you're interested in figuring out what's wrong and addressing it.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Offer to sit and watch as she goes in the chat rooms. And promise to merely observe and do nothing. If she is not comfortable with that, it proves that there IS something wrong with it, and she is simply in denial about it.
Not necessarily; I'd imagine that going into a cybersex chat room is the sort of experience one feels uncomfortable with doing in front of ANYONE else, at least all the time. I'm sure it could be turned into an enjoyable experience for a couple, much the same way watching porn or any number of other normally privatized activities can be, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if she was extremely uncomfortable with him there, even if her intentions are the best.
I guess I am going to have to agree to disagree.
When 2 people are married IMO there is nothing either of them should do without being able to do so in the presence of their partner.
Having said that that does not mean I expect married people to DO everything together. You don't HAVE to prove your loyalty by say going to the restroom while your spouse looks on, but that shouldnt be IMPOSSIBLE, or even REPULSIVE. You live together, so LIVE together.
On the note of porn. I do not think its healthy to watch porn together because its a false sense of what sex is, or is meant to be. I do think watching adult themed sex ed videos COULD be healthy for a relationship, but I think porn introduces certain unhealthy principles into the bed.
If you want to talk about this further erosomniac email me, or start another thread and I will gladly continue the discussion.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: On the note of porn. I do not think its healthy to watch porn together because its a false sense of what sex is, or is meant to be. I do think watching adult themed sex ed videos COULD be healthy for a relationship, but I think porn introduces certain unhealthy principles into the bed.
Are you implying that I shouldn't expect my girlfriend to dress like a naughty nurse every day?
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
She's cheating on you. It may not be adultery, but she's cheating on you.
And she doesn't care that she's doing something (whatever it may be) that hurts you. With you standing there saying "it really hurts me that you're doing this," she "won't accept" that you're hurt and instead defends herself? That's outrageous.
Posts: 454 | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: On the note of porn. I do not think its healthy to watch porn together because its a false sense of what sex is, or is meant to be. I do think watching adult themed sex ed videos COULD be healthy for a relationship, but I think porn introduces certain unhealthy principles into the bed.
Are you implying that I shouldn't expect my girlfriend to dress like a naughty nurse every day?
I don't know what gave you THAT idea.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote: You don't HAVE to prove your loyalty by say going to the restroom while your spouse looks on, but that shouldnt be IMPOSSIBLE, or even REPULSIVE. You live together, so LIVE together.
I am fairly certain I would be unable to pee with anyone, including my spouse, in the room. Unless I'd been drinking gallons and holding it for three days. I don't think this says anything about my commitment or my marriage, merely about my bladder. And I don't think LIVING together means I shouldn't shut the restroom door when I need to go.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
As everyone else has already said, I think you need to talk with her. It might be a good idea to use very subjective, personal statements. "I feel hurt that I'm not a part of this aspect of your life" will go over much better than "You're hiding this from me." From what you've said, it sounds like she's in denial and on the defensive. She will quite likely try to turn any talk about this into an argument. I would suggest that you try very, very hard to not let her. With each difficult conversation you have about this topic, I suggest you pick a main idea that you want to get across and discuss. Try to not let yourself be sidetracked in to an argument about something irrelevant.
All of this probably goes without saying, but I find that when I'm upset at somebody it usually does me good to hear it. I wish you luck and I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
I'm not asking you to answer this question aloud, but consider it: What's the sex like in your marriage? What about the romance in general?
To me, it sounds like your wife has to be bored with at least some aspect of it. Why else would she be seeking new stimulation from other sources?
What did you do with her when you first met that you aren't doing now? When was the last time you tried to woo her with roses, candles, and the stereo pumping sweet slow violin music?
I'm reading what your wife is doing as a cry for attention. Not watch-over-my-shoulder attention, but flirt-with-me attention.
If she's being secretive about it, maybe it's because she feels guilty about the fact that her beloved husband isn't completely satisfying her emotional and physical needs at the moment. So, without accusing her or reiterating your own pain, ask her what she wants!
Of course, asking that question so neutrally might be difficult. You're angry and she's defensive. But I think that if you can momentarily put aside your anger, she'll put aside her defense. After all, neither of you want these negative emotions, right?
Perhaps what you want and what she wants really aren't such different things.
posted
I do NOT think that this implies there is anything wrong with you. That's a common misconception, but it doesn't mean that. There is nothing wrong with you.
I do think that the relationship got weird somewhere, and probably without you knowing it. It seems like a lot of the time women are unhappy their signifigant others have no idea. It happens the other way as well, but I think it's telling that the vast majority of divorces are filed for by women. No matter what else is going on, there are definitely communication issues between y'all now. I highly reccomend counseling.
If she won't go, go by yourself. This is traumatic.
The following applies if you're LDS, which I can't remember exactly but that seems right: if you talk to your bishop, you can use LDS Family Services. People have mixed experiences I know, but I think that happens with any counselor. I went to LDS Family Services seven years after my mother died, and it was amazing how much better everything was in just a few months. It was so much better that I stopped after a few months. I'm still kicking myself for waiting so long.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
If there's one thing I hate, it's when one partner is dissatisfied (in whatever way), doesn't communicate this to the other partner or try to fix things, and then cheats or wants to end the relationship. That is utterly wrong. And to then act justified because of the dissatisfaction which they didn't make clear? Despicable.
Absolutely you (generic you) have a duty in marriage to sexually satisfy your spouse. If you aren't doing that you need to be. But you can't fix what you don't know is broken! If your spouse doesn't *tell* you how they feel, and instead distances themselves, cheats or wants out, that is *their* fault and it overshadows the initial fault of the other person mightily.
Posts: 454 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
We're going to do the counseling thing. The problem for us right now is how to act around each other until we can get help. I know she continues to do it. I think it's even escalating and might come to face to face meetings and *gulp* worse. In the interests of not yelling at each other, we've agreed (ok, she insisted, I reluctantly agreed) not to talk about it until we can get help, but I still live there.
To respond to some of the previous posts:
I've addressed pretty much every issue discussed so far, and the only thing she'll admit to is needing "something" that she can't define, but that I can't give her, willingly or not. In other words, she can't or won't answer the question. I've suggested many avenues that we could explore to spice things up or what have you, but she doesn't appear interested in any of them.
My greatest fear is that she's deliberately sabotaging the relationship because she doesn't love me anymore, but she either won't admit it, or I'm imagining it.
No matter which way you look at it, it's horrible.
Posts: 1281 | Registered: Feb 2001
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This is NOT your fault. It isn't. It's easy to blame oneself when something like this happens, but it really isn't your fault. I'm proud of you for getting help, and I wish the best for everything between the two of you.
She's clearly going through something, and what happens next is very much up to her. I think that's one of the scariest things about relationships - that we put our lives in other people's hands. Since it sounds like it's continuing and may even escalate, I hope the counseling starts soon.
In my completely unsolicited opinion, I don't think you should keep silent while it continues. For that to be fair, she'd have to suspend all activity. I think she wants to do it without being reminded of how much it hurts you. You shouldn't have to agree to that - she is hurting you. It isn't cruel to point it out. Don't yell, but since it bothers you, I wouldn't suffer in silence. I don't think that's a positive step.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
Seems only fair that along with agreeing not to talk about it, that she agrees not to do it either, until you go to counseling.
This agreement doesn't sound great, but as long as you have a real, defined, actual appointment with a marriage counselor in the next 2 weeks, it'll do.
By all rights, this activity of hers and any relationship should stop NOW, or at least pause until you both decide where your relationship is going. It's not too much to ask.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is NOT something that you have to accept or be OK with.
Posts: 2880 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
We're trying to make an appt for as soon as possible, but I haven't been able to get them to call me back yet. Hopefully soon.
Katharina - I'm doing exactly that, which is making her feel guilty, which is causing her to fight and yell, so it obviously doesn't matter to her.
Katarain - I agree with you 100 percent. She doesn't.
The hardest part of all this is that 3 weeks ago, I would have staked my life on the fact that she would never do anything like this. It's almost like I don't even recognize the woman I married any more. I'm having the hardest time rectifying her complete and utter lack of concern for how I feel with the image I still hold of the woman I fell in love with.
Posts: 1281 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
What an unpleasant thing to go through. I'm glad you guys have agreed to go to counseling and I hope that it will help. I hope you have an appointment in the near future. I agree that it is unreasonable for you to not be able to talk about it but at the same time for her to continue.
I know how shocking it can be to learn things about your spouse you never would have imagined. From my own marriage experience, while it seems obvious to you and many of us, she honestly may not understand how hurtful her behavior is to you and how damaging it could be to your marriage. I know that when we were struggling, things really clicked into place for my husband when one of his long time (female) friends cried to him about some of her soon-to-be husband's behaviors and how they made her feel. He was suddenly able to better understand how hurt I was when he could see it happening to someone else. I hope that counseling can do this for the two of you and help you to better understand each other.
posted
In reading your updates, Jason, I cannot begin to express how sorry I am. I really, really hope counseling helps you figure out what's going on. For me, at least, the not knowing would be at least as worrisome as her actions.
quote:It's almost like I don't even recognize the woman I married any more.
My good friend who got divorced kept saying things like that. The very idea makes my skin crawl.
I felt very much this way in the initial stages of the dissolution of my marriage. It felt as though there were a different soul in her body, which possessed all of her memories but nothing else of her. It hurt badly enough that I have a hard time remembering it.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
Wow, that's really tough. I went through very close to the same thing with my ex. You can see that didn't turn out so well. Actually, it did in the long run, but at the time it was horrible. I feel for you.
Counseling is really the way to go, at this point, you obviously need an outside view on things. The hardest part about counseling is that it only works if both people want it to work.
Whatever happens, don't shut yourself off. A good support network is vital to keep yourself emotionally healthy in a difficult situation like this.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: Counseling is really the way to go, at this point, you obviously need an outside view on things. The hardest part about counseling is that it only works if both people want it to work.
posted
This might sound like a horrible thing to say and I'm sorry if it comes off that way because I absolutely don't mean it in a hurtful way but I'm glad you found out about it at the point when you did. At least now you'll have the opportunity to try to work through it, go to counseling where there's a third party around to 'keep it civil' and hopefully get beyond it together, God willing. If the counseling doesn't work, at least you know what's going on... If it were me, I'd really want to know how my spouse were feeling about me, and I guess other people. I'd rather know that there was a problem we needed to work out/address than be in 'blissful ignorance' for a long time and then have the whole house of cards come crashing down.
I hope you guys can work it out... Obviously don't answer if you don't want to - do you guys have any children?
Posts: 1355 | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
I'm so sorry about your problem and how much it hurts you. However, I do want to offer an alternative solution which may not be so hurtful for you:
While this is probably not the best trait in the world, I do enjoy getting positive attention from men. Harmless flirting and almost not harmless flirting are fun ways for me to feel good about myself, banter, and blow off steam. And while my boyfriend is my world and makes me feel a million times better than them, there are just some days when you need a stranger to acknowledge how awesome you are. It's a totally different need here. I don't ever indulge the sexual component--walking away from a pleasant encounter thinking "Alas. If only. Time to go home" is more than enough for me. Sometimes I tell him and sometimes I don't. He knows it's not related to him or how much he pleases me and actually, I think he enjoys flirting too.
However, I don't take it to your wife's level (and not online), and you definitely should see someone to talk it out, but this is perhaps, an underlying reason she even gravitated towards it in the first place. Don't automatically think she is dissastisfied with you. It could be a reaction to other stressful events in her life and/or she needs something to focus on because she feels understimulated in her current world. If the latter is true, then maybe it's time to try a new activity together so she won't spend so much time online.
I really hope everything works out. The fact that you are talking about it now, albeit a little late, should be seen as a positive. Focus on them and good luck.
Posts: 484 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
As a newly wed it concerns me to think that one day I would end up realizing my wife was also doing something like this. I am afraid I would handle the situation far less maturely than you are.
I would have made it my business to read those text messages without her finding out. I would have also probably hired a private investigator to see what was happening when I wasnt around.
That being said I trust my wife 110% much like you did three weeks ago. I have no desire to go into my wifes phone and check her text messages and I trust she tells me the truth because I tell her the truth.
Good luck, I cant imagine what a difficult situation your in. But I hope everything turns out alright and all she was doing was some BS online as an attempt to gain your attention
Posts: 473 | Registered: Sep 2001
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posted
If I found out that my husband (or even boyfriend) read my text messages and hired a private investigator, our relationship would be effectively over. It wouldn't matter how he justified it.
Reading the text messages alone would almost be enough to do it.
Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
It's really sad that so often in relationships, one or both parties are hurt or upset or sad or frustrated, or anything really, either at one another or just in general, and communication breaks down. Effective communication is so important, but so difficult sometimes.
If one person is trying to say, "Hey, I need you to feel supported by you", but they try to get the message across by sulking, how is the other person to know?
Of course, sometimes they actually say, "Would you please listen to me for a minute?" and the other person hears, "I'm going to bore you and then be angry when you don't seem to understand." Well, it's a bad situation.
I really hope Jason, that your counseling helps you two communicate better, so that you can both figure out what your problems are and work towards solving them.
Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
"If I found out that my husband (or even boyfriend) read my text messages and hired a private investigator, our relationship would be effectively over. It wouldn't matter how he justified it.
Reading the text messages alone would almost be enough to do it."
If my wife suspected me of cheating I would want her to read all my text messages and emails so it would put her mind at ease. If she hired a PI, then she was justified. She had some belief that I could not be trusted. I would want all tools at her disposal to prove to her that I am the man she married. I dont have anything to hide from my wife, except maybe a surprise party.
Posts: 473 | Registered: Sep 2001
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posted
I'd be horrified that my signifigant other hired a private investigator, but I think I'd be mostly horrified that things had gotten to that point without us talking about it - that for some reason he felt like he needed and that he couldn't talk to me about it.
I do NOT think that suspicion is equal in offense to cheating. I've seen some justifications like that, and I think that's too bad. Both definitely require some help to fix, but one's a sign of bad communication and the other's a sign of bad communication and a lack of fidelity. The second is bigger.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
I agree that counseling only works if both people want it to work -- work meaning: repair the broken parts of the relationship. But there is value in going even if she doesn't want it to be fixed. Let yourself be helped even if she won't. ESPECIALLY if she won't.
Also, I do agree that suspicion is not equal in offense to cheating. (Yes, I know that there are psychos out there who use "suspicion" as an excuse to hurt their partners over and over, but that's not what we are talking about here.)
Posts: 628 | Registered: Nov 1999
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posted
jasonepowell: if she brazenly refuses to stop her activities knowing how much they hurt you, why not try disconnecting your internet access?
If your wife no longer loves you, you can't control that. But you can sure put a stop to the cheating going on right in front of your face.
If she was meeting a guy in a hotel room during the day, maybe you can't stop it, but if she's bringing the guy to your house you can sure throw him out the door, ungently if need be.
If not sitting idly by while your heart is trampled makes her more angry or drives her farther away, then all is already lost.
Posts: 454 | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Celaeno: If I found out that my husband (or even boyfriend) read my text messages and hired a private investigator, our relationship would be effectively over. It wouldn't matter how he justified it.
Reading the text messages alone would almost be enough to do it.
There are very few actions that I can think of that would cause an automatic ending of the relationship. Those actions are on the order of abuse and murder.
Not even infidelity would cause an automatic ending of the relationship. It surely could do so, but not alone.
Being snooped on by my spouse is so low on the list it's not even the same list.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Thanks again for all your support, everyone.
Update:
I have packed some clothes and stuff, and left. She continued to lie to me about what she was doing, and with a little snooping, I found out she was planning to meet some guy and most likely consummate their relationship. I couldn't deal with sticking around for that, so I left.
My plan is to ask her to go get some help (as I think a big part of her inability to deal with me calmly and rationally is a direct result of some medicinal changes in the last few weeks - which makes a lot of sense) and that I will join her for couples therapy when the time comes. Until then, I am out of the house. She keeps trying to tell me to come home, but I can't believe anything she says right now. Especially after seeing the conversation she had, and what they were talking about.
Hopefully she'll get help and then we can go to therapy and figure out how much of this was real and how much was medical. I pray it's all medical, but I'm scared that it isn't. Thanks again.
Posts: 1281 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
I have personal experience with family members who are bipolar/ manic-depressive (I'm not saying your wife is) and when someone is manic they are honestly and truly a completely different person. It is beyond bizarre. But they can go back to being themselves again too. Whether or not you would be up for being back with someone after that with the full knowledge that it could happen again is a very personal and tough decision, however.
Anyway, if it is a chemical imbalance or reaction to medication she may have very little control over anything at the moment. Good for you for taking the steps necessary to keep yourself sane and for continuing to work to help her as much as you can.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by jasonepowell: Thanks again for all your support, everyone.
Update:
I have packed some clothes and stuff, and left. She continued to lie to me about what she was doing, and with a little snooping, I found out she was planning to meet some guy and most likely consummate their relationship. I couldn't deal with sticking around for that, so I left.
My plan is to ask her to go get some help (as I think a big part of her inability to deal with me calmly and rationally is a direct result of some medicinal changes in the last few weeks - which makes a lot of sense) and that I will join her for couples therapy when the time comes. Until then, I am out of the house. She keeps trying to tell me to come home, but I can't believe anything she says right now. Especially after seeing the conversation she had, and what they were talking about.
Hopefully she'll get help and then we can go to therapy and figure out how much of this was real and how much was medical. I pray it's all medical, but I'm scared that it isn't. Thanks again.
My deepest sympathies I hope you leaving shows your wife just how much she stands to lose by her selfish attitude. I sincerely hope you can both rediscover your love for each other and that your wife can realize just how valuable you are.
I cannot abide cheating. I honestly do not know how anybody feels safe leaving a relationship for somebody who encouraged them to leave that relationship. For me its this simple:
"If they are comfortable with me cheating on my spouse with them, what is stopping them from one day cheating on ME?"
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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If she's on medication, can you call up her doctor? He might not be able to tell you much, but you can at least say what's going on with her.
Posts: 454 | Registered: Mar 2005
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I hope this time away will give you both time to clarify your feelings and be able to approach the situation together (with the help of a counselor) better. If you ever need someone to talk to who knows something of what you're going through, feel free to email me.
I'm torn about the issue of "checking up" on your spouse. I know for me, once I had lost my trust of my spouse, he had to earn it again. I was lucky that while he had hidden things from me, he had never lied to me and I had confidence that regardless of how unpleasant, he would continue to be honest with me when I asked him questions (and I asked LOTS of questions). To confirm to myself that he was being honest, I had to know what questions to ask, and I had to know what the answers should be. He and I both agreed that trust was not a switch to be flicked back and forth, and to regain trust meant meant, in our case, that he gave up some of his freedoms. At first things were pretty drastic but they were things that we both talked about and agreed upon. Some of the most drastic were things he suggested. As time continued, I slowly returned the control he had relinquished to me. The "checking up" became less and less frequent, until we were able to go back to pretty much how things were before (though we are now both more sensitive to what could become a problem and are more open with each other). If we had not been able to work things out, I know our marriage would have been in serious jeopardy. I'm glad that we were able to do so and it is even more amazing to me that we were able to do it on our own. We certainly considered the option of counseling, but opted to first try working things out ourselves and if we had difficulty, to then seek counseling.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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We talked about spending the weekend together (we were supposed to go out of town for an anniversary present) and I told her what I would require from her in order to do that (dr's appt and therapy appt next week, complete honesty about everything that's she's done and plans to do, no IM, phone calls or txt messages with those people) and she said she can do that, so we're going to give it a shot. Hopefully we can at least begin the healing process and therapy can do the rest.
Just wanted to thank everyone for all their thoughts and kind words. It's meant a lot to me.
Posts: 1281 | Registered: Feb 2001
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I'm so glad you were able to come to agree to some terms and begin to work on the issues. I hope the process will go well for you guys and that you'll be able to improve your communication and your relationship.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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I suspect that your leaving the house and sticking up for youself as to what you need from her will be instrumental in the positive resolution of all of this, Jason. I'm really glad that you're handling this so well.
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That sounds like a great plan. I wish you the best.
