posted
A stranger walked into the Conch Town Barber Shop and three chickens followed him. Armando swept scraps of hair into a corner as he watched the man try to shoo the chickens away. They resettled their wings and clucked quietly, like fussy old women. One defecated on the tile; another pecked the stranger’s leg.
“I don’t have any food!” the man yelled.
Armando decided the man was a local – tourists loved the island birds. Even from this distance Armando could tell the stranger’s hair was lopsided (no doubt the work of that designer salon down the street) and thick. He dropped his broom, pocketed his scissors, and walked to the front of the shop.
Hey Hatrack! These 13 lines are all I've written so far of this story. I'm itching to continue, but need a question answered and want some feedback first.
I was inspired by one of those "off-beat" pieces that the media was all over a while back. In Key West, an island off Florida, there were a bunch of wild chickens (I think 2,000). Some of the citizens thought they were pests, while others thought they were sacred. In the end the city hired a chicken catcher, the town barber Mr. Parra. He ended up catching almost half the population and the city sent the chickens off to a sanctuary.
I want to tell the chicken catcher's story, but am I allowed to do this without actually interviewing Parra and making this non-fiction? Can I write a story about a barber who becomes the island chicken catcher, changing the barber's name and adding a lot to what I know of the plot? If the answer is "no", and I need to do some research, then I suppose these first 13 aren't valid. But if the answer's "yes", please have a look and let me know if I should continue with this opening. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by Alexis (edited June 29, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Alexis (edited June 29, 2005).]
posted
You might get a bigger market for the nonfiction article, but if you're like me, you prefer fiction.
I think if you write it as fiction, fictionalize the setting and _especially_ the people that also exist in the real world. I've heard you should make the people definitely distinct from real people, to avoid lawsuit, although that may not be an issue here . . . in my WIP, I made sure there were significant differences between any characters and people they might be thought to resemble.
It sounds like a great story idea.
Comments on first 13: --- A stranger walked into the Conch Town Barber Shop and three chickens followed him. Armando swept scraps of hair into a corner as he watched the man try to shoo the chickens away. They resettled their wings and clucked quietly, like fussy old women. One defecated on the tile; another pecked the stranger’s leg.
“I don’t have any food!” the man yelled AT THEM. "GIVE IT UP!" [MY ORIGINAL PICTURE OF THIS WAS THE MAN YELLING AT THE BARBER.]
Armando decided the man was a local – tourists loved the island birds. [SURELY EVEN TOURISTS MIGHT NOT WANT CHICKENS PECKING AT THEM.] Even from this distance Armando could tell the stranger’s hair was lopsided (no doubt the work of that designer salon down the street) and thick. [BLACK, OR WHITE, I WONDER?] He dropped his broom, pocketed his scissors, and walked to the front of the shop. [I MIGHT OMIT ALL OF THIS PARAGRAPH EXCEPT FOR THE HAIRCUT -- I REALLY LIKE THE CHICKEN INTERACTION, AND THE HAIRCUT COULD WORK INTO ARMANO'S PROFESSIONAL INTEREST, BUT THE REST MIGHT NOT BE NEEDED.]
It sounds great so far!
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited June 29, 2005).]
posted
It might just be me, but every encounter I've had with my great grandmother (who is EXTREMELY fussy; she threw a cane at me once) has been anything but quiet. Some other details you could put into the story to explain why the chickens were such a nuisance: they are really smelly, especially when in large number and they are messy (duh, all they live for is to eat, poop, and lay eggs.) Oh, and don't forget the territorial rooster. He can be added in for extra fun! ~Fetch
Posts: 14 | Registered: Jun 2005
|
posted
Thank you both for taking the time to critique my beginning. I'm glad to hear (at least I think this is what I'm hearing) that my beginning is strong enough to build a story off of.
wbriggs - Thanks so much for the great advice. I personally prefer fiction as well, both from a writer's and a reader's standpoint. My age (15) would also be an issue in writing a non-fiction account of the chicken incident, as such an undertaking would (from my experience) require a trip to Key West and many interviews.
I'll try to make the island come across as any island, and not Key West. As for the barber and other characters I read about in the news, because I don't know anything about their personalities, my characters will likely end up being very different from the real people.
As for my first thirteen, your comments were great. I can see how the man's exclamation was confusing and will add what you suggested. I needed Armando to realize that the stranger was a local before I could have him infer that the stranger had gotten his hair cut at the other salon. But because I had to stretch for the realization, as you noted, it's probably better to just exclude both it and the inference. I will also take out the last sentence in favor of starting a conversation and then working motion into the conversation. The second paragraph would then be something like this: "Even from this distance Armando could tell the stranger's dark hair had been cut lopsided and grown thick."
Fetch - I'll consider changing "clucked quietly" to something like "squawked". Sounds like your grandmother is quite a character! Thanks for the details, and I'll be sure to implement them as my story progresses.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
