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This is a sci-fi story I wrote a few months ago but never posted on here, and I saw it lying around... so here are the first 13 lines... might make it a sellable short for the kids if you guys think it is good.
“Yesss!” shouted Dr. Ballistic, “I’ve finally created some invisibility pills. Walter, come here so I can test these pills on you.” A big, fat human walked clumsily into the lab. Slowly, he boomed, “What are they?” “Invisibility pills, of course,” replied Dr. Ballistic, pulling out a pill. “One pill lasts for one hour.” “Good,” Walter boomed excitedly. “Can I have two?” “I want to make sure they work first,” Dr. Ballistic growled. Walter swallowed a pill and disappeared. “Walter? Where are you?” “I don’t know,” came the reply from the other side of the lab. “Come over here,” ordered Dr. Ballistic angrily.
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My first suggestion: cut it to the required max of 13 posted lines. Them's the rules. After that, I promise I will have something more substantive.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Check the FAQ section for how to measure your 13 lines. You'll find that most of us support the moderator by waiting to crit until the piece conforms to the 13 line rule. Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Some suggestions: * Have a little more happen other than dialog. We have walking; pulling out a pill; disappearing. But invisibility just happened. That's major! * ...how do Dr. Ballistic, and Walter, feel about this? Is it a great new invention Ballistic is in awe of? Is Walter afraid? Thinking it's cool? I suggest some awe. A separate paragraph for the transformation, to be sure.
Technical: * Dr. Ballistic thinks of Walter as a "big fat human." Is Ballistic an alien, then? Later he thinks of him as "Walter." Be consistent, I think. * Why is Ballistic angry? Walter's been very cooperative. * Lose the adverbs. It doesn't add to our experience to have Walter boom slowly. You also may be overdoing the "said" synonyms. Often, "said" and "asked" are enough.
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As for the show don't tell rule I thnk there's a bit more room to tell in childrens stories. But the description "A big, fat human", I think, really needs to change. "The big fat..." seems to give the clue that Dr. Ballistic, is in fact, something different? A metaphor might give a better idea as to what Walter actually looks like.
There's nothing that really shows Dr. ballistic is actually smarter than Walter, except the boring statement "I’ve finally created [some?] invisibility pills." He seems to belittle Walter, who seems very agreeable and very capable himself.
How does this story portray comedy exactly? Because I really can't see it. Is Callum's sister's god son old enough to understand this story, you think? Maybe you should try it out on him, or else just simply someone young that you know.
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