He knows it is wrong. He must stop it. But he can’t fight this power. He sees the broken circle. The circle that brings the past to the future, yet does not meet. He must make the circle meet. He must...
Fenix Khalai woke with a start. As always, he knew exactly where he was as soon as he awakened. Dreams never hung on him, clouding his mind. Even a nightmare had only served to sharpen his senses. The room was dark, but he could make out the edges of the window in the darkness. Dawn was near.
[This message has been edited by Ezuma (edited November 22, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Ezuma (edited November 22, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Ezuma (edited November 22, 2005).]
posted
Well, normally our cliched opening scene of someone waking up revolves around a human, not aliens... that little twist gave me a laugh.
But my dear, you are starting in the wrong place. Don't throw us into the middle of a dream, or action, or someone breaking into a sweat. Why not? We haven't had time to care about the characters yet. It's too confusing, and the end result is that I'm not hooked.
posted
I'm not hooked either, and quite frankly, I skipped over the italicized parts. They didn't hold my interest. It sounds almost as if you are trying too hard to make it suspenseful and it is just not working very well. And the whole waking up from a dream scenario is a little cliché--that's not to say that it can't be done, I'm just saying that you will have a more difficult time getting readers hooked if you still choose to do it.
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posted
This would work well for the opening scene of a movie, but you can't expect a read to, in the space of say, 200 words, go from imagining a guy in a dream to waking up from that dream, of which we only see a glimpse, and then the guy isn't even affected by the dream, unless on a subsconscious level.
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posted
Elan, how did you know it was an alien? I don't see that at all.
If you have a short attention span (like me!), let me sum up all the stuff I'm about to say with this: you obviously have a good idea, but you've started in the wrong place, and you're trying to rely on intensity to engage us rather than trusting yourself to have invented an engaging character who will engage us naturally. Have more confidence in your good idea! I would love to see it shine.
Ahem:
If I wasn't here to read through and provide feedback, I never would have made it to the end of the italics. The first paragraph gives me no information whatsoever. Just a bunch of 1-word sentences, with some numbers. It tells me nothing whatsoever about your story.
The second paragraph, the line of dialog, also tells me nothing. I don't know who's speaking, I don't know what they're speaking about, I don't know the context in which it is said, and I don't know why I'm supposed to care.
The third paragraph shifts POV from the second. Now my question is, why the shift? Have we moved somewhere? Now who is speaking? Why don't they have a name?
The other problem with the third paragraph is that its intensity is totally lost on me because I don't know the character yet, and therefore have no sympathy for the stress he's under, nor do I care or want to hear about it. (Like a random guy at a bus stop coming up to me and telling me about his awful job and ruined marriage. I don't know him. Why do I want to listen to him?)
Also, you can't start in a dream. You just can't. Because even if it's done well, what happens is that the reader gets drawn into the world of the dream, they start investing their energy, and then suddenly the author goes, "BOO! You were dreaming, and it wasn't real." And the reader thinks, "If it wasn't real, why did I invest my time in it? I'm not going to let the author dupe me like that again." And down the book goes.
I try not to offer constructive criticism without praise, so let me balance by saying this. It sounds like your character definately has a conflict going on, and definately has some history with these dreams (I feel a kinship with you on this, as my main character is in a similar situation). I'm sure you have a fully-developed character in your mind, so show him to us awake and you'll pique our interest. I, for one, would love to read more of your story. If you want readers after you revise, let me know.
posted
I think if you start with a dream, it should be with a good reason.
But I don't know what the dream was about. If you stick with the dream, tell us! I didn't get anything except that he had a nightmare and woke up, which isn't a hook for me.
posted
I've changed the 'story' of it, as I sort of grew out of the last one, and I went along with all you guys who disagree with a dream sequence. What do y'all think of this one?
These machines were like nothing young Max Wilson had ever seen. The large, robotic hand of RoboCom’s body-rebuilding machine tinkered with the many wires which now made up the inside of Max’s arms.
Poor Max couldn’t get the images out of his head. Images of his father being killed. Images of his mother being raped. Images of himself seeing boots coming down on him like a hail stones on a rainy night.
Maybe this is why he fought. Maybe this was the cause for his nickname ‘Psycho.’
The only remaining member of his family, Max was forced to care for himself, and so far, he wasn’t doing a good job.
posted
I was definitely able to follow it better but the second sentence gave me a little stumble.
The parallel structure of the images worked for me, excepted I would take out the “himself seeing”. It comes across like he is watching the event from a disembodied viewpoint. That is ok for movies but you would need to explain it better for a written story.
Who does he fight with? Who calls him Psycho? At first, I got the impression he was being rebuilt from the attack but this part indicates, at least to me, a much later time period.
Over all this opening catches my attention better.
posted
Who does he fight with? Who calls him Psycho?
He fights with anyone who bullies him and calls him a freak, due to his deformed face and body because of the attack. 'Psycho' then comes from this because of his ruthless violence, and he doesn't stop until someone's dead.
Where is he? What are the other machines doing? Is anyone else present?
He is at 'RoboCom,' a company specialising in cybotic parts (maybe I should call it CyboParts or something), where they replace missing limbs with robotic ones, which are then coated in a layer of 'skin.' These machines are repairing his limbs, which become damaged due to his constant fighting. No one else is present in the room.
Are the memories the story? If so, how about starting with the events he's remembering? They sound gripping.
The memories are not the story, but Max is the central character, and these memories drive his 'sub-plot' along with the main plot.
[This message has been edited by Ezuma (edited November 23, 2005).]
posted
Is your POV character Max? Because if so, you have a problem. You're in some sort of Omni now, and personally I'm not a big fan of it. In fact, your first paragraph implies this is Max's POV, but then you switch to Omni. If you want to keep the Omni, then make it clear from the beginning this is not a mistake. Aside from that, if this is not 3P limited, I must say that the narrator telling me "poor max" grates on my nerves. This is not good. I don't want to read a story told by a condescending jerk. Could you perhaps remove it, unless that is deliberate (in which case I admire your courage)?
Make something happen. Max's memories are not very fascinating to me, so give me something to understand there will be some action. For instance, who is he fighting? What do they want? The whole seems very distanced to me. I don't know where Max is, what he is doing, etc.
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