The paper he held in his hand was wrinkled and soiled, and upon it was a small piece of the puzzle, a picture nearly lost and the tale of forgotten gurl.
Water had caused it to fade and mud had taken away its readability, and, though, with a bit of patience and a small amount of time, one could eventually distinguish words and phrases that would speak only of what her name was and where she had last been seen. They couldn't tell a person who she was and what she would become if fate hadn't taken her from her friends and family.

Thanks, Sam

You use the word "they" alot, and it does seem to detract from the story.

I'd like to see what more you have to offer though.

Just my two schillings.

You could use 'they' and 'the words' interchangably as long as your talking about them.(them being the words)

I do like your style. Keep up the good work.

I also struggled with "they". I couldn't distinguish they from anything else, probably because you didn't name anybody. It was a stumbling block for me.

This could also mean that this is starting in the wrong place. Maybe just a few minutes earlier would help. Perhaps you could start by telling us who "he" is and how he came by this faded picture and information. That way we have a basic understanding of what is going on. The thing I see from this, is that you could be heading for a flashback, and in my opinion, that isn't a good way to start a story.

One more thing, just by this first 13, I couldn't tell what the intended genre is. This could be Sci-fi, Fantasy, Mystery, really anything, because I don't have a firm sense of the setting or the MC. Starting a bit earlier and desribing the setting and/or the MC, could solve that problem.
I am intrigued, just not enough specifics to pull me in. Good luck!

quote:

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Only one spelling mistake that I saw. "Gurl"?

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Monolith: Only one spelling mistake that *I* saw. "alot"? (Sorry, I just couldn't resist.)

samhaine3, maybe you edited out some of the "they"s, because I didn't run into them.

Everybody's tastes are different, but this style felt fairly comfortable to me. The sentence starting "Water had caused..." was too long, and I got lost by the end, forgetting where I had started.

My biggest problem with this beginning is the big question: So what? 2 reasons:
1) I don't know who 'he' is. You don't tell us a single thing about him, or how he feels about this paper, or what he is thinking, or his relationship with the girl, or anything. Nothing. So when we boil your story down, it has no characters in it yet.
2) I might be able to forgive #1 if I could become intrigued by the girl in the paper, or what's written on the paper...except that you don't actually tell us anything about those either! The ONLY thing you tell us in this entire thing is that, somewhere in the universe, there's a piece of paper that's wrinkled and soiled. That's not a story beginning.

When I boil your opening down, there's nothing there. Just a piece of paper that we have no reason to care about. No characters, no story, no hook. The first 13 must contain enough of those three things to make us go on to line 14.

I can tell that you have a neat story waiting just around the corner, but you need to let us see a glimpse of it to whet our appetite.

Edited to say: My mom (who is visiting for Thanksgiving) happened to read your thirteen over my shoulder and said my response was totally off-base. She was completely hooked and had lots of questions that would lead her to read on. So...don't ever take any one person's response as absolute.