posted
First thirteen lines of a fantasy type novella. This and any of the others available through E-mail.
There have been stories told about Dragon gate manor for as long as anyone can remember the place existing, but being a child, and from another country, I had heard none of them. All I knew of Dragon gate manor was that it belonged to my family, was owned by some minor relation of mine, and was to be my new home. No one was even sure of where Dragon Gate Manor had come from, no one remembered when it wasn't a part of our family. That was why no one knew when Conners had become the head of it. For that matter, no one even knew why it was called Dragon gate. There was some rumor about an old Dragon Scale mirror, but there were many of those. No, it had the name Dragon's gate for a reason, and, when I found that this was to be my new home,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 03, 2006).]
posted
You started off fine, but you fell quickly into the trap that makes reading First Person POV irritating. It's the needless "I didn't know what I was getting into" foretelling. We usually read stories because we expect the MC will get themselves into trouble, and saying so in the writing just drags out the narration longer than it needs to. I'd rather drop right into the story.
What's more interesting to me is why your narrator has to live in Dragon's Gate. Was there a death in the family? who's the relative taking the child in? why's the relative taking the narrator in? There also doesn't seem to be any reason for the narrator to mention that there were stories about the place until the stories actually get told to the narrator. All that's relevant now is that Dragon's Gate has always belonged to the family and the narrator feels ... well, actually, I don't know how the narrator feels about it. Knowing that may help me understand why the narrator wants to find out the reason for the name.
posted
There have been stories told about Dragon gate manor for as long as anyone can remember the place existing, but being a child, and from another country, I had heard none of them. All I knew of Dragon gate manor was that it belonged to my family, was owned by some minor relation of mine, and was to be my new home.
[Maybe try: 'Always belonged to my family' and leave the following sentence out]
No one was even sure of where Dragon Gate Manor had come from, no one remembered when it wasn't a part of our family.
That was why no one knew when Conners had become the head of it.
[Do we have to know this guy is the head of it right now? I'm getting too much info too fast.]
For that matter, no one even knew why it was called Dragon gate. There was some rumor about an old Dragon Scale mirror, but there were many of those.
[Are there many dragon scale mirrors, or many rumors, or many rumors specifically about dragon scale mirrors?]
No, it had the name Dragon's gate for a reason, and, when I found that this was to be my new home, I set in my heart that I was to find out why. Little did I know how much that choice would change my life, and the lives of everyone involved.
[I agree with the above post on the 'little did I know' and 'if I'd known what I know now' device]
And, indeed if I had known then what I now know, I don't think I would have embarked on such a dangerous mission with only Jules at my side.
In addition on a technical note, keep an open eye on your consistency of the name. In these thirteen lines we have 'Dragon gate manor', 'Dragon Gate Manor' & 'Dragon's gate'.
"where Dragon Gate Manor had come from" - odd choice of words, unless intentional for later plot usage. Manors don't usually 'come from' anywhere, rather than being built or constructed.
"I set in my heart that I was to find out why" - again, odd choice of words. 'I set my heart of discovering why' might be more concise and to the point.
Not a bad hook at the end, but possibly 'mission' would not be the best word to use. Then again, that is only conjecture as I don't know what the 'mission' has to do with, but it sounds too formal for a quest/venture/struggle involving a scary old house with a strange name.
posted
For a first person narrator writing after events, failure to disclose awareness of those later events is a definite violation of POV. He's writing the narration because of those events, not because of whatever made him move to Dragon's gate manor. By the way, check the capitalization of that title, it bugs me.
posted
Thank you on the capitalization. Connors is the narrator's last name. Hmmm.... let me try again....
There have been stories told about Dragon Gate manor for as long as anyone can remember the place existing, but being a child, and from another country, I had heard none of them. All I knew of the Manor was that it had been in our family for generations, and that now, it was mine. There were whispered legends of a dragon-scale mirror located on the grounds. And perhaps that was true, but there had to be more. The secrecy upon the house told me there had to be more, and I determined to find out the true story. Before I continue though I must explain what had sent me here thousands of miles from my home in a car with only a driver and my loyal companion Jules to keep me company. Jules besides being my friend, my guardian, my bodyguard and my confidant, was
[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited July 02, 2006).] 42526 words to answer the length. Not complete...
[This message has been edited by Ellepepper (edited July 02, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 03, 2006).]
posted
I like the second version much better. Rather than a dull litany, I have some mystery and supernatural. I liked your voice too. Nice introduction.
Please send me more, I'm sucked in (pun intended)!
posted
The story isn't about why he was sent there or Jules being a vampire. It's about the Dragon's Gate. Your first opening stayed on point, this one wanders drunkenly from one hook to the next.
posted
42526 words to answer the length. And yes, it does have to do with that. Jules plays a huge part in it. And so does the fact that he is Nehelatu. They are part of the reason for Dragon's Gate.
Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
