posted
Here’s a 13 line opener to an afterlife experience story with a somewhat different slant. I’d appreciate feedback on the opener, as well as any candidates willing to read a 3500 word story intended to rouse the imagination. = = = = = =
Death didn’t bother him half as much as the ridiculous terry cloth slipper socks dangling on his feet and the awful backless hospital gown he still wore. The operation had not gone well. Lord knows they tried; epinephrine, heart massages, and finally defibrillation paddles. In the corner, a thin flat line divided the dark screen of the heart monitor that would not stop its high-pitched wail. The green-clad OR team stood back from the body on the operating table when the lead surgeon, shaking his head, glanced up at the wall clock to pronounce the time of death. Like a game-day spectator, Hugh David Latimer had witnessed his own demise from high up near the ceiling. His only regret was not seeing Jenny one last time.
posted
The first line seems too long to chew. I totally skipped over it. I actually liked the paragraph without it.
Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2005
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I agree...however not a bad start at all, it has my interest. The first sentence does seem a little out of place. It struck me that the second sentence shoud perhaps come first, with the first sentence to follow. In fact I don't think you lose anything by deleting the first sentence altogether. Otherwise, well done.
posted
Yes, I agree. Sentence #1 is out of place. For one thing, it is on a different topic. The first paragraph seems to want to be about what’s going on “down there.” Then we focus in on Hugh up near the ceiling with his feelings about being dead.
The operation had not gone well. Lord knows they tried; epinephrine, heart massages, and finally defibrillation paddles. In the corner, a thin flat line divided the dark screen of the heart monitor that would not stop its high-pitched wail. The green-clad OR team stood back from the body on the operating table when the lead surgeon, shaking his head, glanced up at the wall clock to pronounce the time of death.
Like a game-day spectator, Hugh David Latimer watched (makes it more active) from high up near the ceiling. Death didn’t bother him half as much as the ridiculous terry cloth slipper socks dangling on his feet and the awful backless hospital gown he still wore. His only regret was not seeing Jenny one last time.
See? Now you have the topics separated though they work – to me – together now to draw the reader into the story better.
posted
I like the terry slippers and backless hospital gown, that's funny - but also agree with other posters, it would probably work better w/the "witnessed from high up near the ceiling" bit.
I would also do a quick fact-check with someone who works in the medical profession, as I'm not sure that terry slippers are actually on patient's feet during operations. Or gowns, for that matter, seeing as how it sounds like he had some major heart surgery. But the concept of humanizing the dead w/comments on the ridiculousness of the clothing is really funny to me.
posted
Thanks guys, I made the changes and it reads better. Your feedback helped -- proving once again that the website’s strength lies in good constructive comments and sincere helpfulness.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I like sentence 1, but like the others, not there. The trouble is that I spent the rest of your snippet trying to figure out how death *could* bother him, when he was still in the hospital worried about his silly clothes. If I knew he was floating above his body, then I could have gotten on with it.
Nice, funny take on it. I would like to see a revised opening, if you care to post it.
I do wonder if you want to go for funny, or for, well, something else. I lost interest in the rest of the paragraph once I figured out he was dead. (Epinephrine, etc. -- doesn't matter. He's dead already.) The rest of the paragraph also seemed more pensive than funny; not sure if that's what you're going for.
posted
A man’s somewhat quirky journey into an afterlife is full of unique wonders as well as complete and utter revulsion. Judgment is passed based upon his history of lies, and an unexpected decision is affirmed. (Please help. Need readers – anybody?) The revised opener as suggested by current viewers…... ----------------------------- The operation had not gone well. Lord knows they tried; epinephrine, heart massages, and finally defibrillator paddles. In the corner, a thin flat line divided the dark screen of the heart monitor that would not stop its high-pitched wail. The green-clad OR team stood back from the body on the operating table when the lead surgeon, shaking his head, glanced up at the wall clock to pronounce the time of death. Like a game-day spectator, Hugh David Latimer watched from high up near the ceiling. Death didn’t bother him half as much as the ridiculous slipper socks dangling on his feet and the awful backless hospital gown he still wore. His only regret was not seeing Jenny one last time.
quote: The operation had not gone well. Lord knows they tried; epinephrine, heart massages, and finally defibrillator paddles. In the corner, a thin flat line divided the dark screen of the heart monitor that would not stop its high-pitched wail. The green-clad OR team stood back from the body on the operating table when the lead surgeon, shaking his head, glanced up at the wall clock to pronounce the time of death. Like a game-day spectator, Hugh David Latimer watched from high up near the ceiling. Death didn’t bother him half as much as the ridiculous slipper socks dangling on his feet and the awful backless hospital gown he still wore. His only regret was not seeing Jenny one last time.
These two emphasized pieces, I think, would work well blended:
He had only two regrets: not seeing Jenny one last time, and dying in those stupid hospital clothes.
posted
Your second version was much better. It said the same thing, but flowed ten times better. I'm willing to read the story, but I can't guarantee a quick return. Go ahead and send it to me if you aren't in a hurry.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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