posted
Harvey Wanamaker felt like the invisible man. There had been a time when he strode through a conference surrounded by a pride of eager young faces. His invited talks had been filled to overflowing. He had worn a t-shirt and jeans. Now, uncomfortable in a new suit bought at Sears, he doubted that more than two or three people would attend his contributed fifteen minute talk. The next downward step would be a poster presentation, and then oblivion. When he arrived at the small room where his talk was scheduled, he found only one person in the audience, a very young man with red hair and freckles. Harvey pegged him as a mathematician.
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posted
I like this scenario, a lone academic. The first 13 quickly paints a clear picture of the character. Wild guess: he's an academic who is disgraced or otherwise out of favor, but happens to be "right" about some important matter. I would want to find out what ideas he has been peddling.
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posted
I'm with WouldBe - its very enticing, and I would definitely read further. Just to join the guessing pool, my bet is that it is some complex formula that relatively few specialists can understand or take seriously, but somehow the fate of the world depends on it.
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One tiny minor nit (being associated with the academic physics side on one hand and having exposure to the dud cool gaming industry via my husband on the other hand...
I don't understand why he would regress from cool T-shirt/jean attire to dweeby Sears suit. Perhaps he is there in his respectable suit but the newbies are in T-shirt and jeans? "In his days people had known the respect due one's betters. Now folks followed the latest trends like so many lemmings."
posted
Ahh, faded glory. My take is that Harvey is a one-trick pony -- he did something wonderful in the past for which he was honored and became popular. That's old stuff now and very few scholars want to hear the same old thing over again.
Harvey is an interesting characterization with the seeds of a personal conflict. The new suit and that he contributed this talk show that he's trying to grapple with that conflict, but taking an unproductive approach. He's still relying on the old discovery.
The freckled kid is the hook for me. What's he after? What will he offer to Harvey? Is there a more intense conflict waiting on the next page? At this point I would turn the page.
posted
I finished the story at a little over 5000 words and now plan to try something I've never done before. I'm going to go back and try to add at least 3000 words of pure characterization. Wish me luck.
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posted
I'd be happy to read when you're done. Have fun with the character strokes - don't hurt yourself!
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posted
Was I the only one who tripped on "invited" and "contributed"? I got it on the second reading (had suspected something like this but couldn't pick up on the subtlety the first time through.)
I'm not 100% sure I can articulate why I tripped, but I think it's just a wording thing. The "invited/contributed" distinction is probably pretty familiar to those in academia, but I'm not, and haven't been in a long while. The conferences I attend these days are 100% invited. All speakers are solicited (though not all are paid for their time.) One can get oneself onto the roster by knowing the right people or performing cutting-edge research, but that's a whole different slant to conferences.
So - I guess just beware, one reader tripped. It could also be that the "contributed fifteen minute talk" was a mouthful at the end of a rather long sentence.
Another suggestion - because of how it flows, I suggest an emdash before the "a very young mnd with" phrase. It would set it out better...otherwise you're at risk of comma-itis in this first 13, a disease with which I am personally afflicted.
Good luck, it is definitely a great start, and good luck with adding in characterization. Interesting way to approach a writing task.
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It is always hard to know how much jargon (invited, contributed) adds spice, and how much leaves a bad taste in the reader's mouth. I like a writer who sounds as if he knows what he's talking about, even if I don't, so I think I'm going to leave invited/contributed in, but with some trepidation.
I added 2600 words of characterization. I enjoyed doing it, and I think it made a stronger story. I also eliminated the only flashback. I feel really good about that.
Anybody want to give it a first read? Deb?
P.S. Another rejection, this one from Medicine Show, for a story I wrote before I came to Hatrack River. I've already sent another story their way. Which means One Way will probably go to either Baen or F&SF.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited September 16, 2007).]
posted
The invited/contributed didn't bother me, but perhaps that's because I'm in that field.
The only thing that snagged me was the 'pride of young faces'. That made me think of him being surrounded by a bunch of young, hungry lions. However, that might have been the metaphor you were purposefully going for. If so, well written.
I'm interested in reading on. Feel free to send it my way.
posted
One good turn deserves another. Thanks for the edit help on my Fairy Tale Fantasy. I would enjoy reading your story.
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posted
My feeling with the first 13 is that you're holding information out on us--what his topic matter is, at the very least. But I like the progression here.
If you need more readers, feel free to send it my way.
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My first post here. I've been lurking on and off and the polite tone at this forum always impressed me.
This excerpt is intriguing. I like the invisible man/pride of ... faces; the Sears suit sounds ominous
I found it a little curious that his audiences were always young. Perhaps that's deliberate. It makes me guess this man is old, hasn't produced anything of scientific value for a long time, perhaps discredited himself with fudging research data, and is on his way out.
May i offer a few nitpicks:
-instead of There was, you could say He remembered a time ...
Instead of Next downward step, you could say The next step on the downward spiral.
Debhoag gave it a great copy edit, so the other readers are getting a much cleaner manuscript than the first two.
P.S. Got Killing Smith back from Hitchcock. Form rejection slip -- I've never gotten an actual note from either EQ or AH. Looking around for another market for mystery stories.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited September 18, 2007).]
posted
Rick, how do you like what you did with the additional 3000 words of pure characterization? Anything you can share about the experience?
Sorry I haven't been contributing much here lately. For what it's worth, I thought your first 13 here was great. I liked "pride" (it works as a metaphor and as a not-over-the-top pun) and the suit from Sears (not only a decline from being able to wear blue jeans, but he's not shopping at Macy's or Men's Wearhouse, either), and his foreknowledge of his decline. Very nicely written, I have to say.
posted
The 3000 words of characterization were fun to write, and greatly improved the story. After some excellent critiques from hatrackers, I put in another 1000 words. It feels liberating. I should mention that the first draft was pretty heavy science.
And so, off One Way goes to F&SF. Thanks to all readers who offered suggestions.
In my next story I plan to experiment with putting in flowery descriptions. I just finished The Golden Compass -- loved it -- and the author waxes positively Homerian in places: "Like two great masses of rock balanced on adjoining peaks and shaken loose by an earthquake, which bound down the mountainsides gathering speed, leaping over crevasses and knocking trees into splinters, until they crash into each other so hard they both are smashed to powder and flying chips of stone: that was how the two bears came together."
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