posted
Here's the first 13 of an early WIP. Two questions 1)would you continue reading? & 2)could this work as the prologue to a scifi story?
One minute: blackness, there was an utter absence of anything. The next: an elderly man stepped into existence bathed in a soft silver glow. He paused and looked around before muttering “This is as good a place as any.” He turned back to the point of existence and said “Come Vitran”
A silver-furred cat popped into being at the high point of a leap. Landing softly, Vitran looked back at the old man. He was a kindly looking old man with white hair on his chin, the sides of his head, and his ears, but nowhere else. He wore a faded brown robe the color of freshly wetted dirt. His robe had pockets everywhere, big ones, small ones, at his hips, on the chest, the arms, and super tiny ones in the hem.
posted
i love it. the word super sounded a little funny, just a little more casual than the rest - maybe "even tiny"?
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
This is a great concept, I like this beginning and would definately read on. As a prologue, I cant say without knowing the rest of the story. It could be a story in itself. I like it.
The only thing I found wrong with it is this:
quote:He wore a faded brown robe the color of freshly wetted dirt. His robe had pockets everywhere, big ones, small ones, at his hips, on the chest, the arms, and super tiny ones in the hem.
I found the repeat of robe a little jarring and could easily be remedied: He wore a faded brown robe the color of freshly wetted dirt, with pockets everywhere. Small ones, big ones...
posted
The only way I would know that this worked as a prologue would be to read the rest of the story. However, if 1. this provides relevant information that would only be given in a flashback or through long exposition, then it could possibly work. Or, 2. maybe if this character will not be seen for the rest of the story (although I do like this character-would seem a waste to get rid of him), then a prologue would make sense.
But if this prologue could work as the first chapter, then I say make it the first chapter.
That said, I would want to read more if I came across this in a book. I was intrigued.
I was a little jarred by the description of the old man coming after "Vitran looked back at the old man." I thought for a second you were describing the cat. I think the description (He was a kindly looking... ones in the hem.) would work better after "The next: an elderly man stepped into existence bathed in a soft silver glow." Also you indicate that he is an old man three times in two paragraphs. I think one time, with "elderly," would suffice.
quote:One minute: blackness, there was an utter absence of anything. The next: an elderly man stepped into existence bathed in a soft silver glow. He paused and looked around before mutteringcomma needs to go here “This is as good a place as any.” He turned back to the point of existence and said “ComeI'd put another comma here Vitran”
I'll assume this is a global PoV. I don't like them as much, because of the distance from character, but they are needed when limited just won't work, or when it adds something to the story.
quote:A silver-furred cat popped into being at the high point of a leap. Landing softly, Vitran looked back at the old man.
Description followed this. It made me think we were seeing the old man through Virtan's eyes.
quote: He was a kindly looking old man with white hair on his chin, the sides of his head, and his ears, but nowhere else. He wore a faded brown robe the color of freshly wetted dirt. His robe had pockets everywhere, big ones, small ones, at his hips, on the chest, the arms, and super tiny ones in the hem.
We already know he's an old man. We can make assumptions about the hair. The robe could have been mentioned at some point earlier, slipped in. Pockets might be interesting, and I'm assuming they're important.
Yet, it's a big chunk of description when I'm looking for the story and a character I can sympathize with. I think all the little details could be sprinkled in while give a story.
posted
Cats in space? You betcha! One of my favorite themes.
Sorry to do a "me too" kind of post, but previous posters have identified the one or two things that tripped me up. I thought that you were switching to the cat's POV for a moment, when previously it seemed like it was in the old man's. I think that was accidental (I don't think you're trying to write this in 3rd person omni, but maybe I'm wrong...) and the suggestions here will help. I also agree that the word "super" with tiny related to the pockets felt out of place. And we get that the guy is old. Saying it one or two fewer times would probably suffice. If you want to emphasize it, use a line of description about his wrinkled skin or silver hair or how he walked with a stoop or needed a cane or something else that would allude to age and give us some more visuals for the guy.
Great start! Where's it going?
Oh - suggestion - it's helpful in the post w/the request for feedback to indicate how long piece is (or targeted to be if not finished,) and whether you're looking for readers for the whole piece. Also, some of us prefer knowing a teensy bit about the genre first. For example, I don't do horror at all, so I can't/won't offer to read further if I know that's the genre, and I want to be up front about that. Other critters here have more experience reading/writing fantasy vs. sci-fi, or hard science fiction vs. softer stuff, etc., so knowing the genre is helpful. Just an idea, though, not everyone does this.
posted
Wow - thanks for everyone's input. This being my first 13 line post - it's great to learn some of the little techniques for posting, (as well as what does or doesn't work in the opening of the story). Thanks, walt
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One of my favorite themes. 
Saying it one or two fewer times would probably suffice. If you want to emphasize it, use a line of description about his wrinkled skin or silver hair or how he walked with a stoop or needed a cane or something else that would allude to age and give us some more visuals for the guy.
