posted
Don't ask me about the name. I can write, yeah, but I can't name any story worth a damn. I usually just call them something I can remember.
Anyway. Criticise away, or whatever you want to call it.
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The earth shivered under her feet as Lia ran, half-blind and crying, down the rough hewn stone passage. There was no time to think of the blood soaking into her once white robe - they had died, all of them, to give her this chance...
Every thump of the artillery outside sent a threatening vibration through the ground beneath her; a reminder of the scene she had witnessed a few moments before. The Ashai had murdered – the thought twisted in her chest – murdered her fellow Adepts, the men and women she had trained with her whole life and who were as close to her as her own flesh and blood. Killed for their talents; killed for being able to control the essences of magic; killed out of fear and hate, and they were coming for her too.
posted
I'd definitely keep reading. A few suggestions: - Is the blood hers? If not, how is it still "soaking into..." while she is running. - "...the ground beneath her; a reminder..." - semicolon should be a comma - How does a "thought" twist in ones chest? Great imagery, but maybe use a different word or qualify the hyperbole - "the thought had sunk down into her chest and it twisted there." implying more of an empathic response. - Lose the semicolons at the end or lose the comma and let the last clause stand as its own sentence. Your writing is excellent - just some minor punctuation problems.
- Oh, and lose the italics
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 01, 2008).]
posted
My grammar isn't all that good sometimes. I write how I think it should sound, and that isn't always correct.
Memo to self: work on grammar.
revised *******
The earth shivered under her feet as Lia ran, half-blind and crying, down the rough hewn stone passage. There was no time to think of the blood soaking into her once white robe - they had died, all of them, to give her this chance...
Every thump of the artillery outside sent a threatening vibration through the ground beneath her, a reminder of the scene she had witnessed a few moments before. The Ashai had murdered – the thought twisted in her chest – murdered her fellow Adepts, the men and women she had trained with her whole life and who were as close to her as her own flesh and blood. Killed for their talents, killed for being able to control the essences of magic, killed out of fear and hate, and they were coming for her too.
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The soaking blood thing - you don't know if it's hers or not. The implication is that it probably isn't because she can run. But because it's still wet, it's fresh and very recent. This is qualified in the next paragraph where she's thinking about what she's seen - the murder of her friends.
When you think of something, and it makes your chest seize up, that's what I mean. I thought it was obvious, really. I don't want to make it longer or change that phrase much because it wouldn't read right.
posted
I like the italics. For me it set the feel, the urgency, and the questions were hooks (I'd read on to find out).
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posted
Seems to me that the first sentence in each of your two paragraphs is a bit redundant. You could combine them in the first paragraph and get that part out of the way:
quote:Every thump of the artillery outside sent a threatening vibration through the ground under her feet as Lia ran, half-blind and crying, down the rough hewn stone passage. There was no time to think of the blood soaking into her once white robe - they had died, all of them, to give her this chance...
The Ashai had murdered – the thought twisted in her chest – murdered her fellow Adepts, the men and women she had trained with her whole life and who were as close to her as her own flesh and blood. Killed for their talents, killed for being able to control the essences of magic, killed out of fear and hate, and they were coming for her too.
posted
That's not a bad suggestion, but I think it loses some of the urgency. The opening sentance is kinda clipped off - the emphasis is on Lia running, not the earth moving.
The first sentance of the second paragraph is partly to explain why the earth is moving. The... flow of it, the rhythm I guess, is all about her thoughts while she runs, and the repetition suggests it's happening constantly.
Well... this is all kinda after the fact. I don't think about it this much as I write. The lines I posted initially are only the first raw draft with some minor edits for clarity.
revised again, I prefer to keep the italics in as well - personal preference
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The earth shivered under her feet as Lia ran, half-blind and crying, down the rough hewn stone passage. There was no time to think of the blood soaking into her once white robe - they had died, all of them, to give her this chance...
Every thump of the artillery outside sent a threatening vibration through the ground beneath her, a reminder of the scene she had witnessed a few moments before. The Ashai had murdered – the thought twisted in her chest – murdered her fellow Adepts, the men and women she had trained with her whole life and who were as close to her as her own flesh and blood. Killed for their talents, killed for being able to control the essences of magic, killed out of fear and hate, and they were coming for her too.
posted
I really liked the first paragraph. I agree with the others about the thought twisting in her chest, it just doesn't click. I wouldn't dump the idea, though, I would just find a way to rephrase it. I loved the line about the thump of the artillery outside sending a threatening vibration through the ground. Loved the name Ashai. I agree with the others about the italics. In my opinion, they make things seem kind of overdramatic. Good start, pretty smooth, reads like a lot of the published fantasy epics do. Best regards,
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