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Tyrian Saege’s legs burned as if they were on fire, but she dared not slow her pace. The smell of smoke and the screams of the dying were still too close behind her, and she clutched the small boy closer to her chest. Dray moaned, his eyes still clenched shut, and squeezed his arms even tighter around his mother’s neck. When finally forced to catch her breath, at the top of a small rise she turned back to the city of Terastone. Flames flickered with savage beauty as they consumed the precious wood. Her heart broke as she listened to the faint cries echoing across the desert sand. She knew her people were captive now to a ruthless race. Worse, she knew Dorvin - her husband, and rightful Tyr of Terastone - was dead. Sorrow overwhelmed her, stealing her strength. _____________
This is a fantasy novel, about 100,000 words in the first draft form. Comments/critiques are needed and welcome.
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this is a good story I'd read more if it if I could. It has a lot emotion in it and I could feel sympathy for the character good luck. ^_^
Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2009
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Wow I totally want to read this! I am hooked on this tragic female and want to know what happened and what will happen to her. I am such a sucker for female heroes! The comments are just for clarification in wording and focus. I love your tone and the mood you set with the intensity of your writing. You have an amazing start!
Tyrian Saege’s legs burned as if they were on fire, but she dared not slow her pace totally have me hooked here!. The smell of smoke and the screams of the dying were still too close behind her I love the burning imagery within the sensation in the first sentence that is followed by the smoke in the next sentence, and she clutched the small boy closer to her chest. Dray moaned, his eyes still clenched shut, and squeezed his arms even tighter around his mother’s neck. At this point you switch your focus from Tyrian to Dray, which gives good information, but detracts from the smoothness of your first 13 lines because it feels almost tangential. Other than this one sentence, the rest of the first 13 is from Tyrian's perspective. Since you talk about "thesmall boy" in the previous sentence, then switch to talking about Dray's mother, the relationship also becomes a bit unclear to the reader (I have to assume that Tyrian is the mother, but I am not totally sure.) Instead of starting the sentence with Dray and changing focus, perhaps the sentence begin with something like "Her child moaned, etc." or something that keeps the focus on Tyrian but gives info about how Dray is reacting.
When finally forced to catch her breath, at the top of a small rise she turned back to the city of Terastone. Everything before the comma is a subordinate clause, and it needs a subject otherwise it is grammatically incorrect, which is fine in writing a story, but it made me take pause when reading because I felt like something was missing. Also, the second half seems a bit awkward to me. Perhaps try something like this to clear it up: "When she was finally forced to catch her breath, she paused at the top of a small rise and turned (to look?) back to (or at if using to look) the city of Terastone." Flames flickered with savage beauty as they consumed the precious wood. Her heart broke love this as she listened to the faint cries echoing across the desert sand. She knew her people were captive now to a ruthless race "now captive" is a bit stronger than "captive now" but both work. Worse, she knew Dorvin - her husband, and rightful Tyr of Terastone - was dead. Sorrow overwhelmed her, stealing her strength.
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It's hooky/// not sure if Guild Wars TM might take issue with your use of Tyrian, being that it describes a great deal of what goes down within the game. I have Tyrian armour on one of my characters. I would read on Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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First of all, many people will suggest things that are merely their preferences and they might be of a very small group. Just be careful whose advice you take. Better yet, have the advice seconded by another party before taking it too seriouslly.
Here is something from my personal taste. The sentence structure seems to use a lot of commas which can slow the action down, if it continues as such. I don't believe you need both the comma and the 'and' in ...still too close behind her, and she clutched the...
PumpkinKaraJane(hereafter PKJ or PJ II)brought up great points. The imagery is great but there is confusion when the perspective changes from Tyrian to Dray. The confusion totally pulled me out of the story. Who is Tyrian again, who is Dray, who is the small boy?, who is her son? are there four people or two and you just used three diferent titles for one?
My advice is give the boy one title and stick to it.
clutched the small boy tighter. the small boy refernce seems detached. Like she doesn't know the boy very well. That she is bearing him in her arms I will assume he is small. his arms even tighter about his mother's neck. now we are from his perspective. odd.
Might I suggest: The smell of smoke and the screams of the dying were still too close behind her. She clutched her infant son, Dray, close to her chest. He moaned...
Another point, there might be some confusion between Tyrian and Tyr later on. Someone might think it is an abbreviation of the MC's proper name, later in dialogue, as opposed to a title.
Don't worry about Tyrian being used before. There was a game called Tyrian long before guild wars and the name has deeper Etymological roots than that.
I think you might want to check out Moribito Spirit Guardian anime show. It might give you some ideas.
I all in all I am hooked. I would definitely read on.
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yup it probably isnt an issue///phoenician tyre goes way back///its just that the gw campaign starts with a burning city etc wasnt sure if that would be a problem///yeah I really doubt it's an issue tyre's probably been sacked and burned a bunch///I think alexander the great was one of em///the gw game has these cat-like creatures called charr that burn and sack old ascalon city/// but the whole game campaign is called the tyrian campaign
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 08, 2009).]
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Thank you for the suggestions and advice. We are running a hectic schedule at the moment in 'real time,' but will do some polishing and a re-post as soon as we find an uninterruptible stretch.
PumpkinKaraJane and Patrick - Points well taken on perspective and sentence structure, we see how a few changes could really enhance the flow of the story. Fresh eyes do make such a difference!
The tyrian/tyr titles used for the rulers of Terastone were actually born from an Ezekiel reference to "the king of Tyre." During that brainstorming session, one of us had the bright idea to drop the e and use the title for good. Later down the drafting road (JA fell into a few potholes, but he's fine now), we did the internet search and had upteen hits for "Tyr" including gaming (missed the burning city reference, though), swimwear, magazine title, and the Germanic god that represented courage, self-sacrifice and justice (we really liked this one).
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