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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Hatched...Brand new chapter one.

   
Author Topic: Hatched...Brand new chapter one.
shimiqua
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The tunnel to starlight was narrow and confining. Far too small for six girls and Grannie Jane. Joi rested her fingers against the carved dirt wall, and tried to ignore the shuffling of shoulders, and the quick jab of elbows as the girls waited for their turn at freedom.
“Remember your training, girls,” Grannie Jane whispered. “Keep your head about you, and don’t panic. Dragons aren’t as big in life as they are in your imagination.”
Joi bit her lip and tightened her grip on her staff.
“Never look back,” Grannie Jane continued, “Never give us away down here. Never so much as glance toward the hiding holes. The dragons are always watching, and the Guard ain’t no better. For the children’s sake, never let them know where we are.”


I'm preparing to self-publish Hatched, and could use a few readers for JUST the new Chapter one. I'm also interested in opinions on the first thirteen. I'm happy to swap.

~Sheena

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CGreen
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Sheena,

Overall, this hooks the reader.

I might suggest striking the first two sentences and starting with "Joi rested her fingers ..." I feels like a better first line hook.

Also maybe tighten up the dialogue. The woman is whispering to avoid detection, so I would think her words would be chosen wisely.

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MartinV
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It is a good hook, specifically because something's happening.

Dragons be popular these days, I notice.

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shimiqua
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Well, 2012 is the year of the dragon...

Thanks, CGreen, and Martin.

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wirelesslibrarian
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Hey Shimiqua, I'd be happy to read the chapter for you. Send it on.
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shimiqua
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Thanks, wirelesslibrarian. I'm sending it.
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MAP
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Sheena,

Send me chapter 1 if you're still looking for readers. [Smile]

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shimiqua
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Done!
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Meredith
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Might take me a few days to get to it, but you can send it to me, too. After all, I've read the rest of it.
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RoxyL
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Send it my way, too, if you want.
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Denevius
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hello. i thought the first line reads well. and i like the first bit of advice grannie joi offers. i think the, "Never look back..." section could be worded better, or maybe cut.

either way, how long is chapter one? i'm willing to read it if it's not too long.

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