(Again with the mages! And what are they being reluctant about?)

quote:

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Dear Agent,

In a world where magic had once been banished (Banished magic. Where do people get these same ideas from?), wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school.

There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her.(Is this chauvinism or what? If I were female, I would toss this immediately.)

She finds that wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roomate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company.(Oh good, a fellowship story. Now all we need is an elf and a dwarf.)

They must get to the Master Mage's Tower (Mage's Tower. What else is new?) in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life.(Not wanting the power she wields. So cliche.)

Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland.(This last paragraph finally catches my interest. If only you would begin like this.)

The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.

I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.

Yours truly,
Me.

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quote:

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Dear Agent,

During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen. (A serial killer story. Done before but I dare you to surprise me.)

Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue. (Wait: his long-dead friend falls silent? This guy can talk to dead people? Confusing but interesting. Go on.)

Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.

Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.

Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.

Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder.(A psychological drama? I might be insterested to read it. But who exactly is the protagonist here? You begin with Robert but then Lisa is doing the investigating.)

The Sunday Killer is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.

I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.

Yours truly,
Real Name

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quote:

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Dear Mr. Hamilburg

'Bright Lights and Chaos' is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth.(This sounds like a handbook about personal growth.)
Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. (I'm confused. Something what? fey? Full Bloods? Is this a vampire flick?) As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped 'Halfies' stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the 'gray' side of life.
(Too many new words I don't understand. I don't know what you are saying. If you would describe this things, I could keep up.)
After a prophecy (Prophecy. Great.) about 'Bright Lights and Chaos' given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. (Everything a picnic needs. It's like describing a video game.) In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.
Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.

I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.

Yours Truly
Louis E. Doggett

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quote:

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Dear Ms. Cutpurse,

The Wonderful Instrument (plain but OK. It might need a better title but at least it didn't repulse me.) is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston. (Ok, at least I know what I'm getting myself into.)

The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. (Comparing your character to a classic. Bad idea.) Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. (This sentence got me lost. I went through it four times and still I don't get. It feels like you're trying to put too much information in a too small space.)
Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature (Somehow this grabs my attention. There could be something insteresting behind it.), and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee.

At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario (Lothario. Should I know what this is? It seems like I should but I don't.). He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship (Two guys? Interesting. Usually I would get a romance.). Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector. (OK, now we have female characters who I don't know what they are doing here.)

Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love.

The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words. (The whole is read a bit confusing. It needs a clear storyline.)

Sincerely
Matt Leo

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quote:

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I'll be glad to delete them.

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And my response is that you, MattLeo, are a critiquer after my own heart. I'm really glad you are here.

For your information, "Lothario" is an eponymous term for a kind of roué.

Dear Mr. A. Gent,

It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.

And Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.

Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them.

Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne.

Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript.

quote:

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Dear Agent,
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen.
Detective Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue. Okay, this paragraph doesn't immediately make sense. I'm guessing there's a ghost involved, but don't make the agent guess. And why does this absence so cripple Argyle. If he's been successful mostly because he's received supernatural help, say so.

You may need to explain WHY Argyle is so essential to the investigation. Why wouldn't they just assign another detective.Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU The fact that she's a student just begs more questions. Either give a reason why she's uniquely qualified or leave that bit out. is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.

Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.Leave out the commas.

Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.
Can she discover the true nature of detectiveCapitalize Detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity You haven't described any penchant for insanity. has driven him to murder.

The Sunday Killer THE SUNDAY KILLER (all caps) is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate{b] Strike everything to here. "Thank you for [/b]your consideration. They know you're seeking representation.[/b]

Yours truly,

Real Name

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January 31, 2011

Dear Mr. My Agent,

Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.

Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.

Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.

KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

But this one"(This sounds like a handbook about personal growth.)" That could be the wrong place for that. but Not sure about agents but editors seem to like books that show personal growth in the MC.

And as to what the fey are that brings to mind something I assumed and it was probably wrong to do so.

I would assume that an agent who takes certain types of books would know the terms that go with those books. But as implied already that may not have been a safe assumption and even if it was should I act like they don't know.

But to answer your question Fey are those that live in Fairy. Depending on whose universe you are using, that can include elves, dwarves, people with wings, tiny human like figures with wings, Druids who look human but can use a form of magic, and in one book all the human like fey have pointed ears.

Sometimes it's spelled fea.

quote:
Dear Agent,
Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart.

A very unusual individual approaches, <this feels vague, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, I think that is a cool name for a feline beast folk, sounds catty. a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, this half-man half-panther devours do you mean that literally, because eww... If not, you may want to change that word. every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show.

The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn comma but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire him.are you missing the word but, like cannot help but admire him Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour fervor yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle. you had me until this last sentence. Two things, first, comparing Owyn to a bloodhound doesn't work for me unless he too is a beastling, and second, that last sentence seems so vague. If you could give more of a hint as to what he uncovers, is it political, or religious. You haven't given me enough information for me to be hooked by the mystery. But the world and the idea of the story is still enough that I would read the attached first chapter. All in all, it's not bad, but I think if you cleared up the ambiguous, it would read much stronger.

NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.

Dear Agent,

‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter. this line doesn't fit in with the feeling of the rest of the query.

Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien.

Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers are unaccountably missing.

Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s backs.

When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge.

Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.

This paragraph, is the hook. This paragraph is fascinating, and feels like the heart of the story, the problem, for me, is the rest of the query feels like a synopsis. Too much plot, not enough clear information.

But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own?

Brilliant
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within.
Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.

For me the first few paragraphs feel so vague, I don't know enough about the world or it's characters to care. These are the things I am confused on. 1. Are there three kinds of life forms, humans, aliens, and sentient symbiotic organism's? What are the aliens like, what do they look like, are they also infected? What are their species? 2. What happens to Alice? 3. What makes Omar special enough that he could help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.

quote:

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Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName,
Enniorhon Whew! That name's a mouthful. I'm not saying that's bad, but the very first thing I noticed was myself tripping over how to pronounce that. thought he knew what his life would be. A career of as a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, then his family. This feels like there's too much forced into these first sentences. Since it's never mentioned again, do we need to know that Enniorhon was or wanted to be a surgeon. Also, I would expect his medical skills to be more in demand in war time than just another soldier. Broken and forgotten, melodramatic he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers can he really learn a skill from his forefathers (most of whom I assume to be dead)? Is it a hereditary ability? Or a skill he was taught before he decided to be a surgeon? Something passed down specifically in his family?This could be a place to be more specific. , turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter when did he desert? into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders.

Try:
Enniorhon's dreams are destroyed when the Sea Raiders attack. He's forced to fight, abandoning his home, his family, and the quiet life he had hoped for. Having lost everything, he pours himself into the sword-fighting skills he learned at his grandfather's knee.

For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child when he stumbles into the political arena why does he stumble into politics? , a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he. I'd delete this paragraph

His prowess turns Enniorhon into a hero, but that brings its own problems

In a world where being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world life of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become make him.a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield.
I get a sense of Enniorhon and why I should care about him.
What's totally missing here are answers to the other two questions:

What is Enniorhon's goal or what choice does he have to make?
What are the obstacles to his quest or consequences of his choice?

The Purest Sword [b]THE PUREST SWORD (all caps) is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website.

Thank you for your time.

Yours truly,

MV

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This query is too heavy on backstory and premise. It misses giving me a clue about the plot. Take us up to the inciting incident with enough detail to make us care a bit about the main character and to glimpse the world you've created.

Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.

Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder comma is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. vague. what specifically happens? Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews. this feels a lot like Hunger Games. I don't think that is a bad thing, it's that resonance thing people talk about. Might actually be an advantage.

Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected. I feel like there are a lot of loose ends. What happens to Zig? Is Tarek a bad guy? What happens to the rest of the Orkers? I don't feel the last two sentences add anything, Could you say revenge for the veroon,(or whatever) and then something a little clearer for the last hook.

I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one.
< I would ditch the first paragraph.
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan. This reads well, but are you applying to be the marketing guy, or the author. It feels like you are apologizing for writing fan fic. I think when you research agents for this novel, you may want to go through companies that already sell Pokemon, or sell novels or graphic novels at conventions or tours. This might also be something you want to explore printing through createspace, and selling at conventions, or creating a partnership with the Pokemon brand. I'm not sure, but there might be copy-write issues, that a traditional agency will want to avoid. I think you will have to do a lot of research and planning into how you will get this book published, and you may want to adjust your query to match that research. Pokemon knows how awesome it is, you won't have to sell them on their own product, what you are going to have to sell, is yourself, and the novel.

Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.

The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo.

The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it. again this feels like you are trying too hard. Remember, where you are going to pitch this query already thinks Pokemon is awesome. Don't apologize for, or criticize the market.

Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.

Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (390 words)
This one frankly stumped me for a while because what you've written is a proposal, not a query. For this kind of story, however, that's probably the appropriate thing to write. It's just that I don't know much of anything about writing effective proposals or what the norms are. So take the critique with that in mind.

quote:

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Dear Agent,

I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one. Be specific. Pick a couple of your best sales and give complete details--title, publication, dates.

The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan. From what little I know, you'll have to make this proposal to the holder of the copyright for Pokemon. Presumably, they already know all of this except the bit about tapping into the print market. Also, I would turn the last sentence from sounding like a departure from the franchise to touting an expansion of the franchise.

Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t revived. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.

The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo. The only thing I know about writing in a copyrighted world is that you will have to supply a detailed outline/synopsis. Therefore, I'm not sure how much of the story needs to be in the proposal letter. Some, certainly. But maybe not as much as in a query. I don't know.

The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it.

Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling POKEMON VENGEANCE: THE CALLING (all caps) is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements. In general, as with queries, I think it would be better only to mention the possibility of sequels, if at all.

Thank you for your time.

---

First thing. Find out what setting is causing the strange formatting of your apostrophes. Test it in an e-mail to a friend or to yourself at a different account. If you were to paste this into an e-mail and send it like this, chances are the agent wouldn't get past the first line.

Dear Mr. Hamilburg

ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. The title and length are not the most interesting things about your story. Don't lead with them. Put this information at the end. Don't capitalize urban fantasy or first person. Actually, I think I'd cut that second sentence altogether.

Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman Twenty-something and young say essentially the same thing. who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life. I probably wouldn't us single quotes, here or in the next sentence. All but the first sentence is back story. Pick one or two relevant pieces of information that help us know Kerry and work it in more smoothly.

After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ When not used as your title, don't capitalize. given to her over the phone, her life changes. Why? What about the prophecy changes her life? Details. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun.

In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Don't attempt to give a summary of the whole book. Concentrate on getting to the inciting incident, which sounds like the phone prophecy. Dissipate Despite the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.

Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.

Start with Kerry and tell us a little about her, so we can know why we would care about her.

Tell a little more about the prophecy and fill in the gap. What choice does the prophecy force on Kerry? What is she trying to accomplish, aside from random rescues?

What are the obstacles keeping her from her goal? What are the consequences of her choice?

Enough details/specifics to allow the world-building to show through.

That's all. The rest of the plot goes in the synopsis.
I have included a SASE Personally, I usually don't mention the SASE. I do mention sample pages or a synopsis that's included. and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Your return e-mail address should always be part of your signature block, along with other contact information. Thank you for considering my novel.

Yours Truly

Louis E. Doggett
[/quote]

Meredith Thanks.

The problem with trying to find out what is causing the strange formatting errors is that they don't show up on my screen. To me they show up on the notes of two or three other posters. And I believe they are caused by translation problems from one computer to another.

As to the prophecy:
That's all there is to it. She would have Bright Lights and Chaos in her life. The first letters are capitalized in the prophecy. And the way it changes her life is by placing her in more and more dangerous situations. And a romance she wasn't planning on. Well, I just added that she goes from being a someone just trying to live her life after a difficult time growing up to what amounts to being a hero. Not sure if I should use the word hero though. And I wasn't sure how to put in that she gets in the media light and meets Bright Lights as in the Three Fates, angels and Fey kings and queens.
I included some of the life changing aspects of it trying not to go into too much detail.

Only thing is I'm not sure if I can say much about yours. I don't if you need it in the synopses but I would think it would be good to say how long he was with Trav. To me it sounded like he just got there and had to flee but evidently he was there long enough to make friends.Ê
Ê
And "because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily." Êdoesn't sound professional even though I can understand why you used those words.Ê

That's it.

This one makes sense also even though I think the second paragraph sounds odd. The way it begins sounds like a part of the story, that you left out a word or three, or used the wrong tense.

I wonder how Snowflake could ask to join the Arena when he wonÕt speak.

Osiris

Okay not too bad except for a couple of cliches.

Is the nurse the woman he secertly loves? The way you wrote it out sounds like there are three dead not two. The very long sentence that starts with Plexus is confusing. I think it would make better sense if you could breeak it up into two possibly three sentences.

And IÕm not sure about how you phased the one about Omar discovers Plexus can influence thoughts etc.. The way you change from Omar to ÒyourÓ-ÒyouÓ might be okay but it sounds funny.

Mage Storm – Meredith
I'd rather see the conflict first rather than the setting (pot calling kettle black). I think the conflict with Trav is the real one.

"It seems magic might not be dead after all, since the mages killed each other off, but when Rell finds himself with talent he seeks someone, anyone who can train him. However, he makes the wrong choice and finds himself running for his life from Trav, a sadistic cult leader.

He needs to find a way to rescue his friends in Trav's compound before he becomes his next victim."

Something like that. Not particularly well done, but the first paragraph isn't snappy enough.

Funny, Tragic, Crazy, Manic – Shimiqua
Ha! I just critiqued your first attempt and lo and behold, you fixed it sufficiently for me to start over. Other than the crazy formatting of BBCode, the only thing I find wrong with this is the 17 yr old boy and Joe Penrod aren't sufficiently linked in the query for easy reading. My only other questionable thought is the parenthetical regarding a lack of understanding of 17 yr olds. I always thought it was 17 yr old girls!

New Kind of Warfare - MartinV
I hardly picture this as an urban fantasy. This is pure fantasy. What does the crumbling apart have to do with the story? Present the conflict first and then the setting.

Snowflake is an interesting character, but is he/she really unique among the Beastfolk? You start with the setting and then continue on calling it the show. Owyn is questioning all he knows about them. What does he know about them? You just pulled the conflict rug out from under the query's feet.

If the Empire despises beastlings, so what? You don't mention that has any effect to the story. If it doesn't advance the quickie plot, it shouldn't be in the query… it's just a distraction.

What's more than Owyn can handle? Snowflake's pregnancy? Two snowflakes? The crumbling arena?

Symbiosis – Osiris
Unlike some of the others above, I found you gave too much information.

This needs tightening. We know too much. Aliens on the back of their host is an old Jack Vance cliché (can't remember the novel but it was part of one of his series.) I would kill the first sentence and the whole sensient-symbiont fugue line because it requires definition and you don't have the words to do it.

There are some clumsy constructions here as well. A query has to be as perfect as humanly possible from a grammar standpoint.
As for the word bloat, for example, you mention the security officer once and then not again. The dead in the infirmary his boss and the nurse, the woman he secretly loves. The death sort of kills the relationship, doesn't it? So why mention it unless it changes what he's about to do.

Then you go from ambush to him being infected with Plexus. (Is his first name Solar?), but the knowing if the decisions are your own is the real hook here and it comes right at the end. It makes one think how interesting the whole plot would be if Plexus was there all the time?

Sandfishing – genevive42
This starts out okay but the background is a bit tedious and you could get away with saying her family ended up on the wrong side of a revolution and she's had to scrap and scrimp ever since.

MightyCorp as a name is pretty weak. It sounds like a superhero villain. Again the veroon thing needs a bit of tightening and you need to link them to the title. Is the prize for whoever brings the most veroon in? If it is then I think a phrase should say that.

I wouldn't be so coy about the game changing and alliances forming. This isn't a book jacket back, it's a query. They want to know a bit more. Evidently, she's going to ally herself with Tarek and go after Mighty Corp

You say she returns. Returns to where? Is she going to confront someone?

I like aspects of this. You can have fun depicting a sand ecology.

Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling
As others have said this is a proposal rather than a query. Your query really begins in the third paragraph and that's where you should start and throw out the rest. If you have to explain to the agent who Pokemon is, they won't want to represent you.

Mention the mystery adventure right where you describe the 75,000 word novel.

You might make mention that earlier Pokemon afficianados have grown up and so has the story making it riskier and with an edge never before associated with the Pokemon phenomonen.

It's also not good practice to sell books two and three in the query. Perhaps a fleeting reference to sequels, but you must assure the agent that it stands alone as a piece of astoundingly great literature.

The Sunday Killer – axeminister
I just don't know what to say about this. I don't understand who's POV this is in. Is it Argyle's? Lisa's? It seems like Lisa's. Not good for an agent to have to figure that out.

How does Lisa get lured to each crime scene? Is it magic? And why would an unlicensed psychology student be hired to provide therapy to a disturbed professional? Doesn't make sense. Is this a 'twisted' Monk rip-off?

And what happens to his ghost of an assistant? If you're not going to weave the creature (who takes over Argyle and is the real villain… did I guess the twist?) into the rest of the query, you shouldn't put it in. However, it is an intriguing premise that you just drop.

Get all the lines right. For example, how can Argyle solve the case if he's the murderer? Look in a mirror? I've never hear of a person with a penchant for insanity before, are you sure that's the right word?

I do like the idea behind this, a query needs to be as perfect as possible and this needs some further work.

The Purest Sword – MartinV II
Enniorhon is quite an eyeful to start out the query. I can't imagine reading a book and slogging over that name a few thousand times. When you described him as a surgeon, that put me right into a different genre. Doctor or healer would be better than surgeon. Surgeon denotes, for me, a more modern context where medicine is specialized.

I need to know who Enniorhon is fighting for. Has he been drafted into the barbarian army? What makes him lose his humanity, you need to give us a hint.

Does he rebuild his spirit and become a martial arts sensation overnight? Or does he bide his time?

Who did he desert from? You either need to answer these questions or you have to leave them out. Unanswered declarations or motivations without a hint of a reason drives agents crazy. The query has to have a flow of its own.

How incorruptible is Enniorhon when he fights for the enemy? And then after that he becomes Maximus (as in the movie Gladiator)?

There are some sweeping themes in the book, but I think the query needs to focus a bit more clearly.

Bright Lights and Chaos – LDWriter 2
I don't think you need to describe it as a First Person tale. I'd move the novel description towards the bottom and strike the whole The novel… sentence.
I think you are doing too much telling here and not enough showing. And what an agent wants to see is the conflicts Kerry confronts and how she has the opportunity to confront them.

I think there is too much background between half-bloods and full-bloods. I'd simplify all of that and cut a lot of that out. All you really need to say is that as a half-blood, Kerry is a bit of an outcast in the fey world and in the human world. Is that her real conflict. What choices does she have to make? That's what the agent will be looking for.

The Wonderful Instrument – MattLeo
I think the writing in this query is well done, yet there is one major problem. You don't explain what kind of being Hector is. Is he human or manufactured?

One of the most intriguing aspects of the book is the relationship between mentor/mentee and how that is likely to change. The conflict between the girls seems to be a catalyst for changing the relationship. The antagonism that develops between the two in this transition is resolved when Hector comes to the rescue when the enemies come to town. (I am taking liberties of projecting the plot, here)

That is more of what the agent wants to see than good writing gone a bit flat. I think it's the color that the agent wants to see and I think a bit of that is missing here.

The Lost Boys – Tiergan
I think the title is too close to a paranormal movie of not too long ago. If Chrissie is a girl (I read it as a girl's name) then why is the title The Lost Boys, anyway?

The twin ponds requires a bit of thinking, throwing the reader out of the query and is irrelevant to the story. The query really starts when Michael spots his friend in the painting and I think that's where you should start.

As in the others above, what drives Michael? What are his conflicts? It appears he doesn't have any and the only real choice he has is to find his way home after he has an 'aw shucks' moment with Chrissie. That's what you need to throw into the query.

Tsunami Riders – Tiergan
I read your story about this. I don't think you adequately get the setting across here. Harbor is a planet with big waves? What do they need simulation software when they are doing the real thing? Do the nanosuits record all of the tactile information? I think you need to find a quick way to set up the nanosuits as the catalyst for Easy's conflict and then talk about the terror of losing your nerve (most people won't understand what the 'wrath' is and it's easier to use a simpler context than explain it in a query.

So how are you, in a novel, going to explain what a great ride is? Is that the chief draw of the novel? If it isn't then you might reconsider your pitch.

For a first novel writer, the agent is going to be more impressed with your writing than with your education. You've got to make the technical explanation understandable and they won't be impressed with your C.V. It's also bad form to pitch future novels. If this one is good, then there will be more to follow.

Mother of Pearl – RoxyL
Like the title, but only if you've got a juicy part for the mother. It seems, however, that the mother has not point of view.

If everyone knows the current Queen is insane, then how is that a secret? I'd strike that sentence and refer to the replacement to the insane Queen. Is the Queen of the blood Royal? If she isn't then that might make the search for Pearl more urgent.

When you introduce Dylin, I suppose he's the POV character, but then you say he isn't human. If he isn't, then what is he? Is that important to the story? I think his motivation isn't clearly written and it needs to be in a query. This is a display of your writing talent and that part seemed a bit muddy to me as I read it.

Don't know who the street urchin is unless it's Dylin. If it is, then saying so will add some spice and ties some loose ends together. I liked this paragraph though. I thought it the strongest in the query.

The next paragraph was to twisty-turny for my taste. We are supposed to identify with Dylin who is a main character, yet you tag him as deceptive. That word has negative connotations and something better might be employed. Desperate? If the plot permits would make him a hero rather than a possible cad.

I'd also take out the 'Dylin narrates' sentence. You've already implied that's what's happening and you don't need a recap in a query. You need to push the conflict and the possible resolutions and character changes across to the agent in the query.

Knights Valor – Tiergan II
I don’t have much to criticize here. You laid out the world, the conflict and the potential for change. I do think that you don't need as full a description of the Shield of Five unless he has a long running battle with them, then you need to identify them as the protagonist. In fact now that I think of it, you really don't have a protagonist, here. Is it the fallen god? Then put a bit more about him/her in.

Dear Laura Rennert,
Before, (Skip ‘before’) Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. (nice hook) Then her parents died * and left (leaving) her with only a few runes (enough skill? Are the runes an inheritance or the only thing she focused on?) to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and Being thin doesn't help you pay bills. (If this is YA, is she college age? Teens would have different worries than bills, like a new guardian/foster care)
But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against (compared to) a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a (Is this Joe?) seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls.

ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. (May be better at the end. As always, show us potential for emotional growth, don’t tell.)
Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station (working as a radio DJ). She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life. (Not sure all the history is relevant to a query. Is rejection or shuttling more relevant to her psyche or is it simply that she doesn’t really feel like a part of either world?)
After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate (despite) the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.
Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies. (a little info dump-y here with lots of new ideas thrown together. Is the first fey behind all of the danger these people face? If so directing the paragraph to her struggle against him would be more concise. It would be nice to show that the events lead her closer to the final confrontation as well as helping her grow stronger.)

I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.
Yours Truly

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Ms. Phyllis Stein-Cutpurse
Cutpurse Literary Agency
13 West 24th St.
New York, New York 10010
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,

The Wonderful Instrument THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT (all caps) is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston. Putting the setting near the beginning isn't a bad idea. But don't start with the title and genre. It's not the most interesting thing about your manuscript,

The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Start here.-> Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee. I can't sort out who is the main character here. Dr. Chin or Hector? Or even Max? This paragraph should be about Hector and give us some reason to care about him--his harsh and loveless upbringing.

At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. Start here -> When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. [b[<- Strike that sentence. [/b]He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector. Five named characters now. Some agents would begin to consider that Name Soup. So many characters that you can't get a feel for any one of them. Try to get by with two or three. This is probably far too much information about Max for the query. Frame if from Hector's POV.

Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love. And here is the point where Hector has to make a choice. Expand a little on the consequences. And you may need to mention why Max has enemies in Europe. Did he seduce the wrong girl?.

The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words.

Sincerely

Matt Leo

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My Agent
Agents R Us
XX Madison Avenue
New York, NY
January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,

From the moment Michael steppedsteps out of the car at his grand parents’ one word house, and sawsees Chrissie, he knewknows his summer would will be magical. Stick to present tense. Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else. I'm not sure what the twin ponds have to do with anything. Cool bit of world building, but what's the relevance? But that was that's good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped in a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair.

Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions suspicions? I thought he saw his friend get trapped., Michael enlists the help of Chrissie. Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. This is the place to be more specific. Describe a couple of monsters they have to escape from. Ravens haunt their trail Ravens don't sound very scary. and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions wrong word. Minions? , the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.

With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Why am I suddenly seeing Peter Pan in my mind's eye? (That kind of resonance is fine, BTW.) Escaping the witch’s clutches hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible. Neither of these last two are actually sentences. Fragments in the book, fine. Fragments in the query letter, probably not.

The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. They know it's available (or it certainly should be.) I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.[b[ Ever read Query Shark? Leave off the last sentence. [/b]

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Dear XXX

I believe that my story "Tsunami Riders" would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent. Put this at the end

In Tsunami Riders, < Delete that first clause. Eddie "Easy" Sumner has surfed some big waves -- seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ I wouldn't use any kind of special formatting in the query letter. attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling "experiences" for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.

But Sumner also faces the "wrath", a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. I'd hesitate to start a sentence, let alone a paragraph, with "But" in the query letter. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe's newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon -- it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won't be so easy. [I don't get a good enough sense of what the wrath is, here. What exactly does it do? How do you "return" wrath. I think I'd want to shut it off, not return it. And what are the stakes? What happens if they fail to return the wrath?

Tsunami Riders TSUNAMI RIDERS (all caps) is a semi-hard science fiction I don't think semi-hard is a subgenre of science fiction. I wouldn't use it here. story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder. Agents aren't usually impressed by what you think the story does. They'll judge for themselves.

I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.They know you're seeking representation. Only include the degrees if they're relevant to THIS story in some way. Some personalization (more specific) for the agent is a good thing.

I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. Put this in your signature block.I look forward for your response. Ever read the Query Shark? Just say something like thank you for your time or consideration.

Brendan

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Good start. It just needs a little more clarity about the wrath and an indication of what's at stake.

Meredith, MAGE STORM
Critique: Tried and true "hero that needs to learn to use his powers" story. Cliche, maybe, but this does have some originality. Although a second cliche does put me off a little - the cult leader. Why not just a teacher of magic?
Editors Take: Put on the pile of promising, but will check back at the end of the day.

Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC
Critique: Is Joe Penrod the kid that walks through walls? If so, then introduce him by name earlier. If not, then make some distinction between the two.
Editors Take: This query has voice. Definitely send a sample.

MartinV, NEW KIND OF WARFARE
Critique: How does a beast that can't talk "ask" to join the company? Also, what does the title have to do with the story? It promises something that doesn't seem to be promised in the query. "Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle." doesn't convey much information.
Editors Take: Doesn't stand out. Form reject.

Osiris, SYMBIOSIS
Critique: I probably need to know more about the nature of the symbiant, or else I envision the Tok'ra which puts it in the non-original pile. "... novel informed by ..." suggests that the author had a reader that had those degrees, rather than the author himself (which would add more weight).
Editors Take: A human being convinced to be mind controlled, certainly original. Send for a sample, but keep hopes down.

Genevive42, SANDFISHING
Critique: Needs to start when her money dries up, not at backstory, otherwise it feels very deep into the story when the real story starts. The government needs to be emphasised more, as they are the real menace. Why was MightyCrp named?
Editors Take: Most original all day. Intriquing title. Send a sample.

Snapper, POKEMON VENGEANCE: THE CALLING
Critique: As has been said already, this has the feel of a proposal, which is more market driven than a query. The major issue is that it is an alternate history for a first novel in a franchise. That would probably be too much for the market, which would expect a straight novel.
Editors Take: Too big a risk. Form reject. Oh, I don't have a form rejection for novels.

Owasm, THE RELUCTANT MAGE
Critique: "Along the way..." seems to reduce the tension of the query, suggesting they are peripheral to the plot. The mage's tower is very cliche. I also thought that maybe this takes us too deep into the story, more synopsis than query.
Editors Take: LOTR or computer game variant. Some interesting ideas but not enough to jump out. Form reject.

Axeminster, THE SUNDAY KILLER
Critique: I'm not sure who Robert Argyle is in the first paragraphs, so I don't know what it means to be neutralised (does he have acerbic wit?) "Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder." Prior to this, we are on her side. Now we don't know whether to root for her or for him. Dangerous in a query.
Editors Take: Intriguing teaser. Put in the "Send chapter and synopsis" pile.

MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD
Critique: The term "career" made me think it was modern times. Then it became historic? What era is it? That is probably important for historic fiction. This also has similarities to Gladiator, which is both good and bad. The last sentence of the second paragraph, and the first of the third essentially say the same thing.
Editors Take: Gladiator in ...? Already had enough good ones today, form reject.

LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
Critique: "Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth" So, is Kerry filled with danger? The sentence is a little ambiguous. The first paragraph could be condensed into a single sentence - some of the detail didn't seem to add my interest (that may be a personal interest thing - don't know). "There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. " Is this an event-based story? Or a character-ased story. The quoted sentence seems to make it event-based. We perhaps need some drive as to how these affect the MC rather than a list of events in the story. "Dissipate the odds" Never good to make a spelling mistake in a query.
Editors Take: "Dissipate the odds"? A writer that can't spell. Hmm. Form rejection.

MattLeo, THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT
Critique: A bit wordy for a query, particularly "educational rather than biomedical" and "no less astounding". Use of unusual terms like Lothario, where ladykiller, Casanova or even philander are more common, reduces wide appeal, so a sale would be for a niche agent. Also, it feels like the focus should be on Hector, rather than (particularly) Dr. Chin or even Maximilian, since the character arc is his - one line (with Hector as the subject) to capture each relationship should be enough to set the scene for Hector's beginning friendship with Maximilian. Also, was Summer a common name back then? I thought that it is more a modern phenomenon.
Editors Take: The query needs a good edit. Interesting premise, but it looks like a lot of work if I do take it. Form reject.

Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS
Critique: Intriguing, although painting oneself into a picture is old as the hills (Mary Poppins, Elder Scrolls, Oblivian). I wasn't sure about the intended audience (girls or boys?) if it was for middle grade.
Editors Take: Old idea. Form rejection but with a line to send in something else.

RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
Critique: Potential problem with suggested POV - it states that Dyln narrates but the third paragraph suggests that Pearl has POV. The "promise of a lost friend" sounds like the title of a certain type of commitment - it would be interesting world if it was, but if it isn't then this is a little vague. "in order to protect her he just has to be the first" is all that is needed for that sentence - the rest is a repeat of information. The next paragraph is too detailed (more like a synopsis), and could probably be cut (although the meeting of the two character should be incorporated into the next paragraph).
Editors Take: A little wordy, but potential is there. Send sample.

Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
Critique: Intriguing hook, but will need to show why it isn't evil to take the life of the one that calls (else fighting evil is a fatal contradiction). The second paragraph sounds a little like a D&D summary.
Editors Take: D&D Baah. Form Rejection.

I would wonder why there was a revolution against them-were they that bad- but it may not matter here. And IÕm not sure if scarification is one of those words agents would want. Its easy enough to figure out but itÕs also not a word normally used. Would an agent want to take even a second or two to figure it out? Probably depends on the agent.

The rest of it seems to describe events well enough. Even though MightyCorp seems to be rather cliche-ish. But that might depend on if this is YA or not. Speaking of MightyCorp that sentence seems not professional sounding. It starts with a ÒthenÓ. IÕm not sure if that is just me but I think it can be done better sounding.

Hmmm, not sure what to say beyond the stuff put in for humor. I think the word novel is used too many times, even though IÕm not sure if that was done on purpose. It could probably be shorter without all the extra explanations, and could use a bit more description of the actual story.

IÕm not sure if most agents would ask these questions but I would.

I might want to do know what year we are talking about or what level of Tech. Is this a medieval type of society, 1800s as it sounds with the finishing school or ?

Besides that fact that everyone is after her, does the magic do anything to her? Is the journey through the wizard land as quick and unexciting as it sounds?

Beyond that it makes sense and I can see where the action and emotional conflict would come in. Her Òlittle companyÓ sound interesting and I could see how they would be good for a YA novel. Only problem is if an agent would think they are too cliche-ish but itÕs good the way you list them....I think.

Interesting. I would think Argyle is a detective but it would seem that you should state that and maybe say why he is the only one that can solve the case. Does everyone know about his ghost friend?

It feels incomplete but IÕm not sure what is needed besides what I have stated already.

IÕve read this a couple of times but IÕm still not sure what to say. I get it. A nice compact way of telling what the novel is about.

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Dear Mr. A. Gent,

It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. Stop with this first sentence, then go to Dyln. He's the main character. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.

And When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form what's his other form? and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. Not sure you need the part about fulfilling a promise. Put the antagonists, the barons and the mad queen here. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.

Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them. I would keep the query from the POV of the main character/narrator, Dyln.

Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive strike deceptive. plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding There's something I don't like about calling Dyln out as the narrator rather than the main character. flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne.

Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript. They know you'd be thrilled to be asked for a full.

Thank you for your time and consideration

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I like this one a lot.