posted
Here are my critiques of all the query letters. I’m new to the world of queries, so take my comments for what they are worth. I made inline comments as I read, and summaries at the end. Happy Holidays!
Also, thank you to everyone who critiqued my query. The revised version will be up shortly.
Dear Agent: Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages. Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped. [Up to now, I don’t have a real strong feeling for who Rell is, he seems more like a reactor than an actor. I think I need some emotional connection with him. An idea might be to let us know what he loses by having to leave home. We can make certain generic assumptions, but that won’t make the connection a specific detail would.] The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind.[This sort of touches upon what I mentioned before. It is a little more specific, which for me made it a bit more relatable] He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others. That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.[I don’t have a strong feeling for Trav’s motivation, and as such, I feel the danger to Rell is somewhat ambiguous. What is it that Trav ultimately wants from Rell?] MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website. Thank you for your time. Mostly, I think the query needs two things: make Rell more relatable, and make the danger to him more salient by clarifying what is at stake if he is caught by Trav. ____________________________________________________________
Shimiqua
Dear Awesome Agent, Before[Before what?], Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner [this made me unsympathetic to the character because I thought of her as shallow. I think what is needed is a balancing positive trait.]. But that was before her parents died, and now she's left alone in a world of magic and danger she doesn't understand. [This garners a bit of sympathy, but it comes after I’ve already formed my first impression of Larissa. Also, ‘dangers’ is very vague, I have no idea what the specific danger is.].[/b] Her only hope to survive is to steal her mother’s notebook from the Grandmothers with the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy. Or treason. [b][This makes the story sound a bit like a fantasy version of Romeo & Juliet. Also I still don’t know WHY she needs to seek out Joe Penrod to help her survive. ] FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC [I love this title] is a complete 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever Meredith put in hers] per instructions on your website. Thank you for your consideration. FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC: (121 word query) I think the two things needed here is for me to feel sympathetic toward Larissa first, and clarification as to the danger the sends her looking to Joe for help.
MartinV New Kind of Warfare (227 words) Dear Agent, Owyn [I don’t like it when a perfectly good name like ‘Owen’ is changed in this way. The technique of replacing vowels with ‘y’ or ‘ae’ to make them seem more fantastical is over-used, IMHO] runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart. [I found this story premise intriguing, and am interested despite the MC’s name.] A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show [what makes him unusual? Can you give me an unusual trait rather than tell me he is unusual?]. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk.[This addresses the above comment, so I think you should start this paragraph with this, combining it line about Owyn’s attitude towards him] Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’,[I think you can gain some efficiency by deleting this clause, the following demonstrates he is not harmless more effectively than telling us.] this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show. The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn [Why do they despise them?] but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle. NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website. Thank you for your time. I think the basic premise is interesting. I sort of expected to learn more about why the Empire is crumbling. I just think ‘Rome in decline’ because I don’t know anything about it. I also think that the query will improve if the show-tells are addressed, where it tells us something than proceeds to show it. Just show it, and we will get that Snowflake is unusual and not a harmless kitty.
Genevieve Dear Agent: Kaya V. Settlemen's right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Fifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had long gone. [The riches to rags story, especially in these real world economic times, might make me want to read it, but probably not for the intended reasons. I think when depicting wealthy or formerly wealthy characters, it may be a good idea to give a trait the commoner can relate to. When a rich politician goes to the foodbank to help the hungry, it is so they can get a photo op that will make the constituents relate to him/her.][/b] Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored[b][government-sponsored] contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon [Veroon], from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools[this analogy doesn’t work, piranhas don’t hang out in the desert. How about jackals, hyenas, vultures, etc.?]. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope. Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing[I think the piranha analogy would make sense if we learn this term earlier, and we learn the Veroon travel IN the sand and not ON it] for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarekthe off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews. [As soon as I learned the antagonist’s name, and because I know it’s real-world cultural origins, I would have stopped reading. This type of villain is cliché I have seen enough of. I doubt this would put most agents off though.] Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected. Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website. Thank you for your time and consideration. Mostly, I think I need to feel a bit more sympathetic for Kaya. I think the plot is interesting, but I’d need an antagonist that I haven’t seen many times before.
Snapper Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (390 words) Dear Agent, I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one. [I’m rolling my eyes, but I think you expected that. Telling an agent ‘you should pay attention because I’m published’ is probably not a good way to start.] The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan. [I’d much rather see an original story than something based on a 15 year old franchise] Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man. [Who are the aforementioned major characters?] The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo. [Clearly I’m supposed to know something about Pokémon, but I don’t. Would you only be sending this to Pokémon-centric agents?] The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along.[On the contrary, I wasn’t able to follow along in the query, so I don’t really feel like I’ll be able to follow along the novel.] The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it. [Wouldn’t it be better to show me the humor and action and risky nature, rather than tell me about it? Especially if I have not been exposed Pokémon?] Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements. Thank you for your time. I think whats needed here is less telling about how great the novel is, and more showing of what the novel is about. I’ve no idea about any of the characters, what is at stake, or why I should read this at all.
Owasm Dear Agent, In a world where [I’d suggest avoiding the ‘in a world’ opening, since you see it in many B-grade sf movie trailers. Maybe you can start with ‘In the land of Polda…’] magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school. There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her. [Why not, is this some sort of misogynistic world? I recommend clarifying why this is the case so we don’t jump to conclusions.] She finds that wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roomate [roommate] and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company. [That’s a lot of new characters at once. Perhaps it is better to focus on the central character and her conflict.] They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life. [There are many mages towers in fantasy fiction.] Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland. [I’m confused by this line. Earlier we are told she desperately wants the power out of her life, but would she want that if it meant she would die?] The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words. [The title doesn’t tell me how this novel is different in any way from other stories of reluctant heroes] I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration. Yours truly, Me. I didn’t really feel that the story set itself up as something very different from all the other fantasy that is out there, and I felt there were contradictions in the query, so I’d expect there to be the same in the novel.
Axeminster The Sunday Killer [I like the title, it tells me what the novel is about with a unique detail about the antagonist] Dear Agent, During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen. [Good details to start with.] Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. [I’m very confused by this line, how does a long dead childhood friend speak in the first place? Was the ghost of the friend providing companionship for Robert?] Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue. [In order to understand that Argyle is neutralized, I need to know what he was doing in the first place. I assume he is a detective, but it isn’t actually stated here yet]. Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form.[This once again reminds me that I don’t know what Argyle does] But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts. Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle. [Nice twist, but I think we need to know that Argyle is a detective in your second line of the query.] Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant. Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder. [I’m not sure I like ‘penchant for insanity’. Is he actually fond of being insane? It seems rather odd, the use of penchant makes it seem like he is actively choosing to be insane, and I don’t think many insane people choose their condition.] The Sunday Killer is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words. I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration. Yours truly, Real Name I like the title and start, and I think you have an interesting premise. Mostly, the query needs to clarify things about the long dead friend, and make it clear Robert is a detective from the outset.
MartinV The Purest Sword (253 words) Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName, Enniorhon [I might recommend character names that are bit easier to pronounce] thought he knew what his life would be. A career of a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. [This is pretty good in that it tells us both what the character wants and that he doesn’t get it].Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage. [You’ve switched to present tense here]. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, then his family. Broken and forgotten, he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers, turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders. [ From ‘Pushed…’ to here, this feels like a laundry list of vague events that happen to him.] For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child [I have a hard time thinking of a soldier as child-like innocent, I’m not even sure you need it, since the use of ‘stumbles’ sort of suggests a person is getting into something they are not prepared for] when he stumbles into the political arena, a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he. [I have slight difficulty of thinking of someone who has lost his humanity as being incorruptible, but that could be just me.] In a world where [I’d suggest avoiding the ‘in a world’ opening, since you see it in many B-grade movie trailers.] being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield.[I have a vague sense of the conflict posed by the political arena, but I think we need something more concrete here, a specific antagonist and his motives at cross-purposes with Enniorhon.] The Purest Sword is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website. Thank you for your time. Yours truly, MV[/b] [b]I’d recommend condensing and rephrasing the second half of the first paragraph, I think there is too much info about his transitions as a soldier. I’d like to know more about who opposes him in the political arena.
Bright Lights and Chaos is [an] 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider.[I don’t think you should say that you will hope the agent will consider it.] The novel is a First Person [I wouldn’t waste precious query words on telling the agent the POV] tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. [I’d recommend showing and not telling about the novel.] Kerry is a 20 something half fey[half-fey] young[you told us her age, don’t need the adjective] woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. [This sentence is off] As a child she was shuttled between her full [don’t need full]Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style [I think this needs a hyphen, though I don’t know what Fabian style is] half fey who helped Halfies stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the gray side of life. [I like ‘the gray side of life’, but I don’t think you need all the line about being shuttled back and forth as a child] After a prophecy about Bright Lights and Chaos given to her over the phone, her life changes.[What about the prophecy makes her change?] She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change. [This is a lot of telling about what is in the content in the novel. Stick to the MC and her main conflict. All the stuff about gun battles and collapsing buildings are details that we don’t need in a query] Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel. Yours Truly
Louis E. Doggett[/b] [b]I suggest you strip this down to bare essentials, sticking to just the MC and her conflict, which isn’t very clear from this query. The link between the prophecy and why it precipitates a change is also missing here.
MattLeo Ms. Phyllis Stein-Cutpurse Cutpurse Literary Agency 13 West 24th St. New York, New York 10010 Dear Ms. Cutpurse, The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston. [I think this opening is fine. It gives me a sense of setting. I think the title is good, as well.] The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. [I feel like I’m being told to believe he is brilliant. I think instead you can let his brilliance be read between the lines through his creation. Also, I would suggest replacing Dr. Frankenstein with something more general, especially since you later say Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. Perhaps ‘..answer to the mad scientist’] Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding.[Same thing here, let me be astounded rather than tell me it is astounding.] His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein.[I wonder why he is described as Frankenstien earlier, if he is no Frankenstein] His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them.[I’m confused here because I am thinking of Hector as a normal person that Dr. Chin educated a certain way. Perhaps instead of using ‘created’ you could use ‘trained’] On those terms the experiment is a failure. Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee. At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable.[Can you tell us what makes him likable?] When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector. [I’m feeling there is too much focus on the series of events in this query, and it is making it longish.] Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe.[Can we have a detail about these mortal enemies?] He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love. The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words. Sincerely Matt Leo[/b] [b]I think this query reads more like a synopsis of the story. There are a number of intricate conflicts here, emotional and physical. I suggest rewriting with an eye towards those and less of an eye towards the series of events that occur. This would serve to trim down the number of characters introduced, as well, which I felt was a tad too many. Also, I think some paragraph breaks would help.
Tiergan My Agent Agents R Us XX Madison Avenue New York, NY January 31, 2011 Dear Mr. My Agent, From the moment Michael stepped out of the car at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie, he knew his summer would be magical.[Good start] Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else.[This second sentence is way too convoluted, I have a hard time picturing what you are trying to describe here.] But that was good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped in a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair. [Using ‘dark side’ instantly conjurs up Star Wars, which you probably don’t want to do.] Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions, Michael enlists the help of Chrissie.[What exactly is his suspicion? That Bobby is trapped in a witch’s painting? But you said he saw it happen, so doesn’t he know it for sure and not just suspect?] Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. Ravens haunt their trail and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions, the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.[So the witch sounds like an important character, but we don’t know anything about her, not even a name. More importantly, if her only motivation in trapping them is to grow the ranks of the Lost Boys, I wouldn’t be very compelled by that.] With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Escaping the witch’s clutches [clutch is] hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible. The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review. Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you. I’d like more detail on the witch, and to see that she has stronger motivations than just growing her army. That sort of conflict makes the characters unimportant because it doesn’t suggest that there is something special about them that makes the witch want them specifically.
Brendan Dear XXX I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent. [While this kind of line does show the author did some research into learning about the agent, I don’t think you need to tell them what they already know, or make the assumption that your novel is a good fit. Let them make that judgement for themselves.] In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine. [I might consider making the the first line catchier by instead saying something like ‘In Tsunami Riders, Eddie ‘Easy’ Sumner has surfed some of the biggest waves in the galaxy’. This packs the punch of most of this paragraph in a single sentence, making it more intriguing.] But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy. Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.[Being new to queries, I’m not sure if an outline of the novel’s themes are appropriate] I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. [Considering the nature of the novel, this info is relevant, and it is appropriate that you put it in here] I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response. Brendan[/b] [b]I don’t have a whole lot to say about this one. I think it has potential but it isn’t quite there yet. What I think is needed is more ‘idea per sentence’ as I suggested with the first paragraph. That’ll give it the punch I think will carry the query to the next level.
RoxyL Dear Mr. A. Gent, It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane.[Good start, though it isn’t really a secret if everyone knows it, I’d just tweak it to say something like ‘It’s Middle Sea’s worst-kept secret: the Queen is entirely insane.] When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her. [Good job outlining the conflict] And Dyln[This may just be a pet peave, but I am not a fan of this kind of vowel substitution in character names], a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.[Since the promise is Dyln’s primary motivation, one he is willing to risk war for, shouldn’t we know what the promise is?] Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster.[I like the analogy but I think it could be rephrased for a bit more punch. Also, is Pearl the illegitimate niece? It would be good to know this earlier.] She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them. [I think the main thing here is Pearl is bored, and has some memories of a time before. Can you find a way to say this in fewer words?] Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne. [I’m a little confused as to how she is the true heir if she is also illegitimate.] Mother of Pearl [I like this title with its double meaning and evocations of beauty. It is the sort of title Piers Anthony would come up with] is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. This is my favorite query of the bunch. You outline character and conflict early on. The main thing I would do with this is just find a way to make it shorter. Add a bit of clarity to Dyln’s motives and to Pearl’s place in the royal lineage and I think you will be in good shape.
Tiergan My Agent Agents R Us XX Madison Avenue New York, NY January 31, 2011 Dear Mr. My Agent, Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor[this sounds like a video game title. Consider how real orders of knights get their names, for example, the Knights Templar. It isn’t usually after an adjective, but a noun: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knight#Orders_of_knighthood], a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls. Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.[There are just too many fantasy clichés in this paragraph to draw my interest. What sets this story apart from all the others with knights, dragons, evil deities, and magic? It all sounds like someone’s D&D campaign.] Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him. [The conflict between saving the girl or saving the world is the strongest part of the query. It needs to come earlier.] KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.[/b] [b]The fundamental problem here is that I don’t know what makes this story unique. Consider what is special about your story and try again.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 24, 2010).]
quote:My Agent Agents R Us XX Madison Avenue New York, NY January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price,colon, here, I think. Or a dash. the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, more detail here about the magic involved in the dragon shield he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five again, more detail about this shield. Give just enough to show what's really different about the magic system in your world. and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is another good, solid query. I'd concentrate a little less on the more ordinary aspect--the jagged landscape, etc.--and more on the unique magic system of the objects of power, particularly the two shields. Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008
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Alright, first off I want to thank Meredith for setting up the Query Challenge, and all participants. I also thought I would mention to all who are new here or haven’t been critted often-Remember its just one persons opinion, no more, no less. And despite the sticks and stones saying, words can hurt, but we the writer must have a thick skin. Also even the most brutal crit tends to have something, take what you want from it and go from there. Last thing, we are all in the same boat, trying to improve our writing and get published.
As far as my qualifications on Query Letters, I have read a million, and am now more lost then ever. But here is my belief. I feel the query letter should read like the blurb on the back of the book. It should tell the heart of the story with the same feeling, energy of the writing itself.
Also, I tend to babble, sorry, and offer rewrite suggestions. Its not me trying to force my will on anyone, its just my way of showing what I am most likely failing in telling
Dear Agent: Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. .I love the sound of the name Rell, not fond of the spelling, meaning it doesn’t quite look like a name so I did a double take. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.Mage is used 3 times in here, which distracts for me. I might suggest losing the Great Mage War part, I don’t feel its needed at this point and it sounds stereotypical fantasy, unoriginal. I would highlight the storms made of dead mages. Suggest--All that remain are the ashes of the great mages swirling in the violent storms plaguing the post war ridden land… …Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with a? magic he can’t control. Alright I added the …, I don’t the word, the idea was I felt it brought the 2 paragraphs together. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped. I like the barn buring down, we are talking middle grade here, so it is fitting I believe. The last sentence reads off to me, he learns that magic isn’t as dead as people believe, but he thinks help will be easy to find? The only teacher he can find is Trav, butcut but, and replace with who? he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav I might suggest cutting after witnessing Trav, and replace with. "He” The idea is I think you might have too many, before, after, and such, it should read like your story and flow as one.goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, cut the comma, period. It will help the next sentence stand out. Variation in sentence length is a great way to add effect and geez, I am struggling with finding the write word, atmosphere? Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others. That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily. MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website. Thank you for your time. overall thoughts. I liked the story idea and feel the query isn’t that far off, just need tightening. Some will talk about originality and such. World where magic is dead and boy finds he has it, is the basis of a ton of stories, but…no idea is completely original and if it were, you could never tell it effectively in a query letter, and most likely no agent or publisher would take it for, they like to have an idea that the project they take on has the track record of selling.
------------------------------------------------- shimiqua FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC REVISED QUERY,(232 words) Dear Laura Rennert, Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. Then her parents died and left her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being thin doesn't help you pay bills.I would cut the before. And combine the 2 sentences. Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner, but then her parents died, leaving her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and waist smaller, and thin doesn’t pay the bills. (Forgive me for rewriting it there. My problem is I am having a hard time tryint ot explain what I am thinking.) I like this opening, I don’t mind the thin, and while it makes her seem shallow, it does it in a funny way, a way I can forgive and endears me to her, and also lets me know, where character growth may come.[b/] But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was[b]cut, who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls. If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. The only way she can do that is toShe will need to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason. FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed[...]per instructions on your website. Thank you for your consideration. NAME I think it gives a good feeling of what your energy and story would read like. Again, I find myself saying I have read this before, and what I mean is I believe there are many stories in the market along this vein. I tend not to worry about that as much as others. My disclaimer …no idea is completely original and if it were, you could never tell it effectively in a query letter, and most likely no agent or publisher would take it for, they like to have an idea that the project they take on has the track record of selling. -------------------------------------------------- MartinV New Kind of Warfare
Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial wow, this word is huge. Would just gladiator themed theater, work? theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart. I might suggest losing slowly falling apart. A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show.[I think this paragraph could be nearly cut by ten-fold. It is a paragraph introducing us to Snowflake, and is 1/3 the query. I suggest, A snow-white rarruhitt, half-manf half-panther pleads for a spot in the show. Owyn gives, Snowflake as he mockingly calls him a chance in the show. The feline member of the Beast Folk proves a hit, his prowess drawing in thousands to watch him fight.[/b] The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself,butlose himself, replace with to admire him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.from Owyn on to the end, I like, but it seems more like the 5th or 6th sentence of the query, meaning the beginning not the end. NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website. Thank you for your time. Ok here goes, I have a hard time with some of this. Snowflake seems to be the story, not Owyn. I don’t know if this holds true to the story or not, but here in the query Snowflake dominates the words and quite frankly the story of the query. Its all about him. All I know about Owyn is he runs the theater, and he mocks things that are different to him, people/beasts. Not necessarily someone I want to spend time with. If Owyn is the main character, I suggest finding the story in him. Is it he like the rest of the world despises the Beast Folk and has to learn that while they are different, they are people to, becomes good friends with Snowflake who he once mocked? Its there, you just have to find it.
Dear Agent, ‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter. Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien. Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alicethis read like he found 3 bodies, but I gather nurse and Alice are one and the same. Are these the same bodies from the first paragraph if so, combine them. Adding the paragraphs. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers are unaccountablycut, not really needed missing explains it enough for me. missing. Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. I am lost, I thought the entire crew was missing? Ok, so one wasn’t, I would somehow combine these two thoughts, id different parapgraphs sets me off. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s backs. When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge. Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict. But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own? SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within. Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS. I must first tell you, I don’t read much sci-fi and when I do, its very soft, so symbiont was lost on me. I think my overall opinion is it read more like a synopsis then a query for me, and left me confused. I think you may have tried for too much in a short space. I would like to see a simpler layout, I am just confused. I don’t know what the plan is, where is their goal? I mean what is Omar trying to do? Get to? Escape? I will be the first to admit, I have missed the obvious before, so I may have just missed it. But if not, I would like to see not just what the plot is but what the story is, plot Mar is stuck on a spaceship with symbionts, but what can I accept from Omar, what changes will his character overtake, or what does he struggle with internally. Does any of what I am saying make sense? Not sure it does to me anymore.
Dear Agent: Kaya V. Settlemen's right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Good start. I would suggest a paragraph break here, because of the 15 year break, and would consider deleting the rest of this paragraph. It might tigten it upFifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had long gone. Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Might start back up here, Fifteen years later, Kaya and her friend….Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope. This is a good setup now, but still feel it read too long, which is why I suggest some cuts. The idea of a query is to set up the story for the agent to read, not tell every detail, the main story, and plot, not all the subplots, so keep names to the mininum. Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms Kaya and Zig try their hand at sandfishing., but only Tarek…, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews. I suggest condensing this paragraph a little, 1 or 2 sentence after the initial sandfishing. Gist is she disrupts Tarek and gets fed to the fishes, saying it short sweet and brief, in the vein of your story telling. Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected. I like this part, a little tease. If you have set the hook throughout the query this should reel the agent in to reading, but to do so, we must feel for the MC Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website. Thank you for your time and consideration. not bad, interesting concept, Tremors and Dune come to mind. I am not saying that to disrespect you or the writing, or say the story is anything like that. I am saying that I am thinking of worm like creatures beneath the sand. I like the story in itself. But we need more but less at the same time. Each sentence must carry the story and plot forward, if you can cut some details along the lines I suggest, it would free up some space and word count for bigger details down the road, allowing us to feel more for the MC.
--------------------------------------------------------------- Snapper Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (390 words)
Dear Agent, I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency.I would list 1 or 2 of your biggest credits here. Also might suggest, that you have broad range of credits that might tie it into the next sentence. What I am getting at, is, when you are listing this do it to point out that you are a writer who has written, and published and knows the field of writing. Is hard to get my point across, but if done correctly it will validate the next sentence. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one. The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan. Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t. I would suggest cutting the rest of this paragraph or maybe relocating. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man. begin again hereThe novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo. The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it.I normally don’t like this paragraph in query’s but your case is different because it’s a franchise product so is more about marketing then just writing. I just think this paragraph can be tightened. Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a mystery adventure that fans of series will eagerly follow, but still bring on new readers into the francshise without feeling lost. Tailored for an older crowd(all us Pokeman fan’s have to grow up some time) its humorus, action fileld story will delight readers of all ages. ALRIGHT- not great on my part, but you get the idea.The one thing I also want to point out is the query itself should show, your homour, the action ,and the slightly riskier side. While I feel this is not your general query, as the project is part of a franchise, I think I don’t have a feel for the full effect your writing. I fear it’s the dreaded You told it, you didn’t show it. Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.I hear a lot lately don’t list series or such. I am a firm believer its best to show you are writing the next project and have plans. The last thing an agent even wants is a 1 hit wonder, they do want to know that you are a professional and off onto the next project. So good job here. Thank you for your time. [b]The one thing I also want to point out is the query itself should show, your homour, the action ,and the slightly riskier side. While I feel this is not your general query, as the project is part of a franchise, I think I don’t have a feel for the full effect your writing. I fear it’s the dreaded You told it, you didn’t show it. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Owasm The Reluctant Mage: Dear Agent, In a world where magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school. Somehow I would like to see this more active and less passive. As worded, to me at least, for the briefest of moments it makes the Master Mage important, before the MC and he/she shouldn’t be. Its about the girl, above all. In a world where magic was once banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda. Young norise of Bordon is the unwillingly receipantent of dying Mage’s powers. OK-not great on my part, but it might get you my idea. If she is the MC, then its best to tintroduce her right off, in truth I would try to introduce her in first sentence. There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her.I would try to make this somehow, not seem as though women can’t remember spells, but until now, magic has blocked the women from their depths. Does that make sense, if taken in at first glance it seems like women might be unable to learn spells cause they ain’t smart enough. And we don’t want that, well, maybe, I don’t really know. She finds that I would suggest cutting first 3 words, more dynamic, I feel. Wizards are….wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roomate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company. What about tyring just the hint of scene here, showing how the ghost joins, just a sentence or two would add som much. What leads up to the ghost joining, then. The others can be placed in in one line. Soon a sentient cloud, and a highway woman, scarecely older than herself join the little company. It may not be a big thing, but I would like to see a touch of your passion, your energy, flavor of your writing here. I think sometimes that is all that separates us from other stories. And I feel the query letter is about catching not just our story, and plot but is essence, flavor. They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life. Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland. I would combine these 2 sentences for effect. If ever Norise is to rid herself of the power she wants so desperately out of her life, they must reach the Master Mage’s Tower, and hope that there lies the answers to the magic that he past to her with his last breath. But does she give up her power and dir, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland? AGAIN-my part not the greatest, but this is the heart of your story. The inner conflict. I think you should also hint about this great dilemmas in the beginning. Why, if she gives up her power does she die? And it’s the first time I heard anything of enslaving her homeland. The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words. I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.I would suggest cutting the seeking representation its already known. Just a simple. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you. Yours truly, Me. Alright, first my disclaimer on originatlity. It seems a lot of the queries here fall into this category, mine including. Its not really a problem as I see it. No idea is completely original and if it were, you could never tell it effectively in a query letter, and most likely no agent or publisher would take it for, they like to have an idea that the project they take on has the track record of selling.
With that said, what will add and make your novel stand out will be the little things, the ghost and its companions it seems. That’s why I suggest having a little scene of introducing the ghost. Nothing more than when they kill a band of thugs, a ghost risies from body of one and refuses to leave, instead joining their strange little company. Also, I am assuming here that magic plays a role, we don’t know much about it, does she try it out and fail, humorously, violently. I guess I would like some idea of the type of magic we are looking at it. And last hint about the conflict early on, so when it comes in the end we are feeling it. Good job overall, there is a story in there.
------------------------------------------------------------ Axeminister Sunday Killer Dear Agent, During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen. Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent.Does he see dead people? Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. But like others, I am a little lost here. It’s the long dead being silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue.alright so, I am guessing here, his friend is dead and helps him solves crimes, but now won’t help with this case. If this is true, you just need to tighten it up so we know and aren’t guessing. If true, I kind of like it and hope that the reason he won’t help with the case is something to do with the case, maybe the killer having killed him. But that alone is good I want to know why. Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.OK you lost me again, I was so conviced that the MC was Robert now, in comes another and the second half of the query is told in her POV. Is the story that way. In a query it is my belief you need to pick one MC and stick to it, the main one. It is ok to have 2 stories but is very hard to have 2 in the query, and here instead of feeding off one another it makes it look as though the story is split in half. Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle. Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant. Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder. The Sunday Killer is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words. I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration. Yours truly, Real Name alright, I think you have an interesting story going here. I pretty much said everything throughout the piece so nothing really new with my thoughts. I think Lisa is the MC after rereading for the umpteenth time. So as I have said in previous query’s I think you really need to start there. It really wouldn’t be that hard to do after another reread, you just need to work on bringing Roberts paragraph in later, and working that in.
------------------------------------------------------------- MartinV The Purest Sword
Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName, Enniorhon thought he knew what his life would be. A career of a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage.You couldn’t have turned a more roundabout on me than if you had said the Loch Ness Monster came out.(sorry I had an editor say that to me once and always wanted say it. My point is, I was so sure after the first 2 sentences we were set in the real world, modern or close to it times. Surgeon also tends to set me in a real world of modern times, although I know that surgeons have existed a long time. It could just be me, but I wasn’t at all expecting the turn. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, then his family. Broken and forgotten, he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers, turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders.This is more where I think it should start, Pushed into being a soldier, after the barbarians from the sea attack, Enniorhon loses first his… For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child when he stumbles into the political arena, a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he. In a world where being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield. My main concern here is, I am not really getting a feel for your spirit regarding the writing. I have the plot, but not the feeling. I think that for me it is to vague, its telling more than showing this to me. The Purest Sword is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website. Thank you for your time. Well, as I said my main concern is it seemed to go from a very tight well thought out story to more vagueness. The first paragraph seemed to be a complete story in itself. Then it got vague. I don’t know how far a long you are in the story, that may have effected my feelings of vagueness, perhaps the those parts of the story have not been fully fleshed out.
------------------------------------------------------------- LDWriter Bright Lights and Chaos Dear Mr. Hamilburg
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. there are as many believe layouts for query letters as well, blades of grass. I truly don’t know which is the best. Some I read say state the book and words and if complete in the first sentence, and you took that approach. With that said, I have of late leaned towards the approach of hitting them with the story first. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. Kerry is a 20 somethingwhy something, it just made it seem like we the reader shouldn’t know, making me thing that her age is important. If not ,just say her age, or leave it out altogether. half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. I know the fey has brought up some concern. I truly didn’t know what fey was, but felt it was something magical along the lines of fairy. But I believe if you have done your homework and sent it to the appropriate agent, no problem, should be a standard word.She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Feyif you are pushing into other agents that you fear might not know fey, here is a good chance t substitute fairy mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life. After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ given to her over the phone, her life changes.Ok, so here is whre the real story begins for me. Her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches.I think we are too vague here, it sort of reads like, here is my MC and a lot of cool stuff happens. Instead of telling us all of it, show us 1 that changes her, and how she is changed by it. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change. Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel. Yours Truly My overall concern here is I think the story and plot are too vague to get an overall experience of your writing. You might want to consider spending less words on her time before the prophecy and what happens after.
-------------------------------------------------------------- Matt Leo The Wonderful Instrument Dear Ms. Cutpurse, The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston.well not sure how I feel about coming right out and saying it, but on the other hand it feels right. And I think it fits in with your story and the feeling I am getting from your writing. I don’t know how to say this but will give it a try. It gives me the vibe of a more intellectual read. Not saying its bad, just how it feels to me. The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee. At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector. Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love. The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words. Sincerely Matt Leo Well, it is very thought out and truly well placed. But, my main concern here is who is the MC, in the beginning I believe it’s the Doc, then maybe Maximilian, but at the end, I feel sure, it is all about Hector. Who is the MC? Yes there can be more than one, but in 1 sentence what is your story about? If you can answer that, I think you might have who the MC is and go from there. Ex. If it is about Hector, you might start with. Hector is no ordinary man, born of the science of Dr….., he is the equivalent of Dr Frankensteins monster. But no monster is he….I KNOW, not the best on my part, but I truly feel a query should represent 1 MC. The basis of a query letter I believe is telling the MAIN plot, the MAIN story, in the flavor of your writing.
Dear XXX I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent.This is good, you have done your homework, I still might suggest putting it at the bottom. I have read many query letters that have gotten response and almost all have gotten with the story first. In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.I like it. I like the feel, the seriously big, makes me think Dude! Sweet! But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. ok, you lost me here. His suit is attacking him, or refusing him somehow?When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.I find you come out and say the problem, but I am still not sure what the problem is, and I would like to feel it, versus have it told to me. It rebels against him, how? Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder. With the exception of the first sentence I would suggest letting your writing show all this versus telling us it does. If it is exploring themes of art and freedom show it, let us feel it. Its like me saying my novel is fast and exciting. Show the speed and the excitement. Your first paragraph was the “bomb” you nailed it and the feel of the character, and I hope the story. Either that or I am way off. Its just you have to build from the first awesome paragraph, and into the story. When his suit rebels, how, it most freak him a little which does what to him? How does he compensate? I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche. I like this, I would still consider losing the first sentence. They know you are looking for representation and truthfully every word counts especially with a semi-hard science fiction book where science may need to be explained to avoid confusion. This is also the where I would add the first paragraph it shows you did your homework, and you have the skills to possibly pull it off. Rule 1 of writing, write what you know.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response. Brendan nothing to add, I have said it all, probably more wordy then needed throughout the query.
--------------------------------------------------------- RoxyL MOTHER OF PEARL Dear Mr. A. Gent, It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her. ok, Middle Sea makes me think of Middle Earth. While once I get into the story I wouldn’t mind it, I might consider not saying it here. –It’s a secret everyone knows: The Queen… And Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first. Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them. Is Pearl the MC, if so, I truly feel the query should start with her. Remember the query is about the MAIN story, and the MAIN plot. -In my novel Knights Valor, the story actually starts with a young girl reciting the prayer of knights Valor, and she plays a large role in the book, but when I tried to write the query with both, confusing, it took me forever to find a way to word the query without starting with her, while she may be the catalyst that sets it all in motion, Anlin is the main character. I think you may have some of that going on here. Find the main character, make us love/feel for he or she, then main plot with main story(think internal change in character here, her struggles) If done correctly, that will lead to the agent asking for a partial or synopsis and so forth. Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne. Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. Pretty much said it throughout the piece. I feel its about showing the MC, I think Pearl is the MC, but yet Dyln seems to be the character talked about so much. So I am confused. I would suggest, going back to the 1 sentence rule. Tell your story in 1 sentence. Does it say, Dyln plots and plans….., or Queen tries to kill….., or Pearl flees for her life…., YES all are bad examples on my part, but this exercise may help you find your true MC and build the query around him or her. Very few books, 1 true MC, The song of Fire Ice saga comes to mind, but the I imagine the query would have read something along the. In a land where winter lasts for centuries, the Starks battle for their lives…. ----------------------------
Well everyone. I hope something in my rambling helps someone.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited December 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited December 27, 2010).]
posted
Osiris thanks, but one question if I may. This doesn't seem to be the place for questions but there doesn't seem to be anywhere else either.
And I don't mean this as being argumentative so pardon how I say it.
You said that a query isn't the place for mention gun battles and collapsing buildings. Besides the fact I haven't written the collapsing building scene yet why not include those scenes?
Those events take up over half of the book. They lead up to the final scene, it's like someone or something is both testing her and helping her to see she can do more than she thinks. Maybe I should put that in the query but I just thought of it in those words even though I have four different people tell her she is more than she thinks she is.
quote:Osiris thanks, but one question if I may. This doesn't seem to be the place for questions but there doesn't seem to be anywhere else either. And I don't mean this as being argumentative so pardon how I say it.
You said that a query isn't the place for mention gun battles and collapsing buildings. Besides the fact I haven't written the collapsing building scene yet why not include those scenes?
Those events take up over half of the book. They lead up to the final scene, it's like someone or something is both testing her and helping her to see she can do more than she thinks. Maybe I should put that in the query but I just thought of it in those words even though I have four different people tell her she is more than she thinks she is.
Not Osiris, but I'll take a swing at this.
You've answered your own question when you said that these things lead up to the final scene. Your query shouldn't go that far.
Agent Kristin Nelson has said that a query only needs to cover your story up to the inciting incident. That's the first 30 to 50 pages. The synopsis goes all the way to the end, not the query. Set up the main character, her quest/problem/choice, and the obstacles/stakes.
It's a lot less intimidating to think of capturing the first 50 pages in 250 words than to try to cover the whole book. It leaves you room for some details to make your character or world shine a little.
quote:You said that a query isn't the place for mention gun battles and collapsing buildings. Besides the fact I haven't written the collapsing building scene yet why not include those scenes?
What Meredith said, she took the words out of my mouth.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 25, 2010).]
Both Meredith and Osiris said to talk about only the first 40 or so pages, unless I misunderstood something which is quite possible Yet Osiris said not to include the stuff at the beginning.
quote:Okay now I'm confused. Both Meredith and Osiris said to talk about only the first 40 or so pages, unless I misunderstood something which is quite possible Yet Osiris said not to include the stuff at the beginning.
I went back and reviewed Osiris' critique.
I think he and I said essentially the same thing about that first paragraph--it belongs at the end. The information about the title and length are not the most interesting things about your story. You want the agent to be excited about the story before he or she gets to that. Put it at the end, right before "Thank you . . . "
Your query shoud start with Kerry. I don't think he said to leave this out, just sort it down to one or two key facts. I think you put in a little too much backstory about Kerry's childhood and not quite enough about what happens to start her moving in a new and different direction (the inciting incident).
Who is Kerry (and why should we care)?
What quest/problem/choice does she face?
What are the obstacles/consequences/stakes?
With a few choice details sprinkled in to make it sparkle and show its uniqueness.
posted
I think Meredith just outlined the recipe for success on queries. It might be better to just start your query over and follow her guidelines. Thats what I tried to do with my revision, and I think it is improved.
Posts: 1043 | Registered: Jul 2010
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You two could very well be right. I was following an older model or trying to anyway, and I was planning on completely revamping my query but it was that part about the gun battles and collapsing buildings that I'm not sure about now.
BTW I need to restate it anywhere. It isn't a gun battle because only the bad guy has a gun. But it is an escalation of the dangerous situations she gets involved with.
Would that be a good line to use? without the but that is.
quote:I think Meredith just outlined the recipe for success on queries. It might be better to just start your query over and follow her guidelines. Thats what I tried to do with my revision, and I think it is improved.
By repeating these things, I don't want to give the impression that there is one recipe for success with queries. Even the Query Shark has been known to tag as a winner a query that broke the rules--but did it well and in the right way.
Like most everything else in writing, they're tools to help us find the right way to do this. And the right way will be slightly different for each story.
Nevertheless, I think guidelines like those are very useful in setting out the bones of the query, which then can be fleshed out with some unique aspects of each story.
It's also harder to go horribly wrong that way, IME.
The whole things seems okay, I get the basis of the plot and the conflict but the query seems a bit --flat--unemotional--formulaic. That's all I have for this one.
I donÕt know Tiergan seems to do the ame thing I was critisised for doing yet it works here. I would like to know MichealÕs age and am curious how Bobby got trapped but the last probably isnÕt important for the query.
From the way the previous queries were done this one seems to be a different model. Not much on the novlÕs plot but you seem to have what you need though. Not sure about using terms like ÒSeriously bigÓ and Òcoolest ridesÓ, they seem amerturish but the rest sounds good. Eevn though I didnÕt get the return the wriath by tricking it. It might be because itÕs late but return it where?
IÕm also not sure if most agents would care about your degrees and that you can create plausible stories but I donÕt know enough agents to say for sure.
Nicly done I think, except it seems a little long with too many details. Not sure about the sameness sound of ÒTreasure hidden in a oysterÓ. It fits the title of the novel but itÕs also is the same old- same old.
There are the questions about what Dylan is, that he needs to take human form and can everyone here do that or is the Shorelands different? The answers to these may contridict my first statement and I donÕt know if you need to answer them. You implied he is different already. I would want a little something to expalin about the Shoreland people if they are different. That's it
Hmmm, Seems like you have everything you need except not much on the Fallen god. He seems to be the main bad guy but you have more on his ÒtoolsÓ than on him. Maybe a bit less on the fight across the jaggered landscape which is something of a cliche. Not sure if you need the part about him drinking so much. That looks to be something for a fuller synopses.
The book sounds interesting though. If I all that on the back of a book I would give it a second look.
posted
Almost forgot that I haven't done all the queries yet.
Tiergan: THE LOST BOYS The title is nice and simple.
quote:Dear Mr. My Agent,...
...Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
This is a YA story. It has everything a YA needs, including the biggest challenge of all: to admit infatuation. While I have nothing against it, I simply cannot relate to this story. I don't think I could tell you what's good and what's not in this query.
I believe that my story 'Tsunami Riders' would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent.
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie 'Easy' Sumner has surfed some big waves - seriously big. Seriously big? Who are you trying to convince? But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling 'experiences' for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
But Sumner also faces the 'wrath', a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. So his biggest challenge is to control his suit? Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe's newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon - it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won't be so easy.
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche. You tell what the story is about, not show it. Talking about your degree won't make the story more believable.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
I'm not sure I understand what the story is about. I think you yourself are a surfer and wanted to share your enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I'm not a surfer, and I'm not convinced.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 28, 2010).]
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RoxyL: MOTHER OF PEARL Nice title; I think you're going for two meanings here, yes?
quote:It's a secret everyone in Middle Sea Ugh. Middle Sea - Middle Earth. Tolkien is not really my brand of vodka but I'll give this a try anyway. knows: the Queen is entirely insane. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.I like the first paragraph very much. It tells everything I need to know is so little words. Brilliant.
And Dyln Ok, I had some trouble with the name. Is it pronounced as Dylan or something else?, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form A prince will take human form? So he's not human now? I am intrigued. and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them.
Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne. I get confused reading the last two paragraphs. I think you're trying to put too much information in it and only you understand it. It might be best to write this again.
Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript.
Even though this is a YA work, I found it interesting. I don't know why. I don't why I didn't get interested in those before. But I would be willing to read more. Good work but you could do even better.Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007
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quote:Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.You try to make the first paragraph catchy. It works about halfway for me. The bit about the ten year old is a bit confusing.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl's quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. So there's really no challenge to speak of? Why read it then? Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, But this is just the opening gambit? This translates to: I know this sounds boring but stick with me, my story gets better. You ought to rewrite the query and make it interesting. and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin's trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers - to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.Too many fantasy names. What's next? The Enchanted Sword of Truth? The Five? Why not the Nine?
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
It sounds too much like a roller coaster video game or a movie trailer. I would advise you to put more character in the story as in the characters themselves. So far I don't see anything special about your story compared to hundreds of others.Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007
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Query Letter for The Reluctant Mage: Dear Agent,
In a world where magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. This is probably just personal nit, but starting the sentence with the phrase "in a world..." sounds like the beginning of a cheesy movie trailer.Also this sentence doesn't say much except that there are wizards, I would ditch it.The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school. This sentence is so much better. You could expand on this idea, show the inner conflict of the Master Mage, and perhaps his name, a bit more. And could you tell us how Norise feels about going to finishing school. Show us why we want to root for her.
There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her. Half this sentence is spent telling this is a problem. I'm guessing this is a clue to how the Master Mage thinks, and a clue about the world they live in, however I'm sure it could be explained clearly.
She finds that How exactly does she find that wizards are after her. Be specific. wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roommate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company. a brief clue as to why they join together would be helpful in adding clarity. Are they all hiding from the wizards?
They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life.
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland. Why would she die? Adding clarity adds what makes your book special.
The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration. I don't think that sentence is necessary.
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen.
Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue. Wha?! More clarity please.
Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. This might just be me, but why would they enlist a student, when there are experts available? Is she a daughter of the mayor, or something, what is it about her that makes her so special? She seems like the hero of the story, so any extra clue into her character would help tremendously. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.
Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.nice. Here's the meat and potatoes of the story, clearly stated.
Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder.
The Sunday Killer Great title. is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.Is that necessary?
posted
My second entry for an upcoming work. The Purest Sword (253 words)
quote: Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName, Enniorhon thought he knew what his life would be. A career of a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, My issue is the word humanity. What exactly do you mean by that? then his family. Broken and forgotten, he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers, turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders. Nice
For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child when he stumbles into the political arena, a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he.
In a world Again, I do not like starting a sentence with the phrase In a world. It sounds like a cheesy movie trailer to me.where being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield.
The Purest Sword is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website. Overall, this query is really good. Good clues into the personal struggle and world of the story. Nice. Thank you for your time.
Yours truly,
MV
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited December 28, 2010).]
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ What's with the odd punctuation? is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. This sounds like it should be the last paragraph, not the first. Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. From hereAs a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life.to here, is all back story. I don't need to know all of this in a query. I think you should get to the meat and potatoes of the story. After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ If you ditch the back story you will have time to explain what the bright lights and Chaos is. It's a cool term, and a cool title, but it is a little vague and I need a clue as to what it actually is in order to be invested. given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. So what happened that turned her into a hero? In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate Despitethe odds she feels like she is the only one Why does she feel that way? who can stop the First Born before the children start to change. Along the way Comma she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies<ditch and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel. Overall I think the story sounds interesting, Clear up the confusion and focus the query on what makes your story important. Yours tTruly,
posted
Ms. Phyllis Stein-Cutpurse Cutpurse Literary Agency 13 West 24th St. New York, New York 10010
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,
The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930 's Boston.
The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Okay...I'm not exactly sure what these first paragraphs mean. This is what I got from it, correct me if I'm wrong, or better yet, correct the query. Dr. Chin is a teacher, and Hector is a student Dr. Chin is trying to make perfect, through harsh discipline, and vigorous training. Or else Hector is a monster, like Frankenstein, but created to fix humanity. One of the two. Could you maybe say why Dr. Chin feels he needs to fix humanity and then clearly state how he went about fixing by creating a detached monster?Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee.
At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. ? He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, Nice introduction of Maxmillian. he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector.
Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love. I love the idea of this sentence, but it could be clearer.
The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words.
Sincerely
Matt Leo Overall, this query is enough that I would read the attached synopsis, and perhaps the first chapter. If you could clear up the confusion, I think it would get a request to read more.
posted
My Agent Agents R Us XX Madison Avenue New York, NY January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,
From the moment Michael stepped out of the car at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie, he knew his summer would be magical. Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else. But that was good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped inside? a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair.
Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions, Michael enlists the help of Chrissie. Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. Ravens haunt their trail and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions, the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.
With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Escaping the witch’s clutches proves hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible.
The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you. Nice. Overall you will want to watch for tense shifts. I think queries are supposed to be in present, you keep switching between the past and present.I really like the idea of an adventure inside a witches painted world. Very cool.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited December 28, 2010).]
posted
Dear XXX So it's that kind of story, is it?
I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent. Nice.
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ punctuation error? attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. This might just be me, but I had an issue with you beginning two sentences in a row with a But, or and and. I would ditch the last one, maybe say, Eddie works for Good Vibrations *company name* making... And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then clarify, maybe say the planet Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. So this is a case of company insurance versus an extreme job kind of thing. Could you say it more clearly. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche. Awesome. This works for me.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. Great first sentenceWhen rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.
And Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form instead of what? and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. Is the lost friend the future queen? Or is the promise to save Pearl. The sentence seems to come out of nowhere, so any connection would be awesome. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a is this Dyln?handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them.
Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne.
Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript. Nice. Overall, I think you need to connect the dots a little better to help the flow not sound choppy. I would definitely read on. Cool idea. I like how the true heir of middle sea is left vague. Good mystery.
posted
y Agent Agents R Us XX Madison Avenue New York, NY January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that You might want to say the Fallen God as a reminder, I had to look back. Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him. Cool stakes, well written
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review. You're good to go. Well done. Thank you for your time and consideration.
This story line reminds me vaguely of Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini. As one reviewer synopsized Captain Blood, "Peter Blood, a physician and English gentleman, turned pirate out of a rankling sense of injustice. Barely escaping the gallows after his arrest for treating wounded rebels, Blood is enslaved on a Barbados plantation. When he escapes, no ship sailing the Spanish Main is safe from Blood and his men." Note how wonderfully concise and muscular that summary is, just the thing you want when you're convincing someone to read an adventure story. This is what your query should be.
Fantasy writers are in the business of recycling literary tropes; a good fantasy story is at both familiar and fresh. Looking at this query, the story doesn't sound fresh or compelling as it might, and I'm tring to figure out why. I think it is because of what I call "hard sell", telling the reader what to think instead of leading him to that conclusion. In the "Captain Blood" we aren't told that Captain Blood is an incorruptible man "in a world of" [trope alert] hypocritical rulers little better than pirates themselves. It's obvious. We are't told that slavery in Barbados is unspeakably degrading, we assume that is the case. If we were told that, we'd question it.
I think show not tell applies here. We're told too much the emotional response, that Enniorhon "loses first his humanity... Broken and forgotten ..." I know that writers like to torture their protags to make them sympathetic, but in a summary we aren't engaged with the character in the same way we are in a book. Many bad manuscripts I've seen crucify the protag in order to build sympathy for him, when really you ought to crucify him to exploit the sympathy you've already built. Note how in the summary above Peter Blood is first arrested for treating wounded rebels (something that is his duty as a physician) and is *then* sent to Barbados.
I wish I could be more specific and helpful, but the best I can say is this: it would be better if you could achieve the melodrama you're reaching for with a lighter, more deft touch, one that brings out Enniorhon's character vividly without obviously nailing him to a cross.
Finally, I think that mentioning the potential for a series is considered bad form. I don't think the people reading the query care if you think you have a series; you *won't* have a series unless you can sell this book.
## LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
Again I think we open with a bit of hard sell: "filled with danger and emotional growth." If you are going to raise that at all, do it at the end after you've convinced the query reader that this is going to be the case.
Also, "fey" in this context could be taken to mean "insane" or "simple minded". I think this makes a bad impression because one of the things you see in fantasy manuscripts is heavy handed use of jargon to create atmosphere. We see it again with "First Born". I always think it is best to open a manuscript with a problem that is entirely understandable and from there lead the reader into the curious and inexplicable. That can be applied here. You can lead with the reason we will identify with Kerry: she feels like she doesn't fit in, and she's looking for her place in the world. Then you put the fantasy top-spin on it: she has far better reason than most to feel this way.
"After a prophecy about ... her life changes." I think this is stating the obvious. It's pretty much given that in most stories we'll get a brief picture of the MC's life status quo ante, and then something knocks her off course. This leads to a common problem with fantasy manuscripts, which is getting bogged down in backstory. I think the query gives us a bit too much bio, and some might take that as telegraphing the manuscript having a backstory problem.
We can also take for granted that when Kerry triumphs, she discovers new strengths, and obtains what was previously unattainable (friendship, romance), and that this will involve a number of exciting details.
So what is this story essentially about? A girl who doesn't fit in trying to reconcile two competing heritages. What is the nature of her solution? To side with one or the other? Or to reconcile them? Or maybe transcend the false dichotomies that opposing sides agree upon? Maybe her task is to cut a kind of Gordion knot, to find a way of being that is authentically herself. That is the psychological truth behind all fish out of water stories; not to return to the water nor remain a fish on land, but find a new way of being. I think that you want to show (not tell) that you have a fundamental psychological insight into the human condition that can be expressed in fantasy form.
## Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS I think you have a nice story concept here, and perhaps it might be best to lead with that rather than Michael's reaction to Chrissie. "Throw in ..." this is what I call hard sell. You want to show you can handle romance more subtly than that. Especially if you want boys in your target readership.
So get right to the point: "When Michael sees his missing friend trapped in witch's painting at the local art fair, the police investigating the disappearance don't take him seriously. When even his grandparents won't believe him, he turns to Chrissie [who you deftly show is both scary and fascinating to him].
## Brendan, TSUNAMI RIDERS
quote: I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent.
Wow. If you knew a certain agent had that very specific ideological/literary orientation, this would be a very interesting opening. If not, maybe not.
quote: In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
OK, this is interesting, but it's not clear what you are writing about. Are you writing about somebody who actually goes around the galaxy and physically surfs, or are you writing about somebody who does this in virtual reality? Noodling about this, its clear that he makes interstellar surfing movies, and like any good stuntman plans his shots very carefully (in this case using software, a detail whose ommision would improve your clarity). It's very important to show you are a good writer here.
quote: But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.
OK, so now you probably know how I feel about world-building jargon, especially in a query, so I'll just summarize here. Express this in a way that we the uninitiated into your world can identify with. For example, everyone who's had a hobby has probably experienced a piece of equipment that "has a mind of its own", maybe even a bad attitude. That's more than mere anthropomorphizing when you are talking about a system from which intelligence can emerge.
quote: Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.
"Semi-hard" is a bit of incomprehensible hair-splitting. "Punctuated... classic sense of wonder" borders on hard sell. I think you're making a good point here, which is that your story counterpoints a hi-tech mystery with the visceral excitement of extreme sports, but I for one don't know what a "classic sense of wonder" amounts to.
quote: I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.
Simplify this. It kind of veers between unattractive sycophancy and unattractive chest thumping. It's always bad form to imply that you are an amazing gold mine the agent would be an idiot to pass over. Maybe something like this. "I have a Phd in physical sciences and write technologically plausible scicence fiction. I am seeking an agent who specializes in the hard science fiction market."
## RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
quote: It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.
Not a bad opening sentence, but because our heroine has no name yet, it's a bit hard to decipher the entire paragraph because we don't have a handle for the character who is "hidden away", who is obviously the most important character in the book. So I think you need to refer to her by name right here.
quote: And Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
Here we get one of those casual allusions to confusing world building details. What are these "people"? Are they fish? Mermmen? If it's important, let us in on it; if it's not important, don't bring it up.
quote:Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster.
OK, YA is generally considered something like 14 years to 21. The Pearl metaphor might work for lower grades, but is a bit heavy-handed for readers this age. Granted, Stephanie Meyer got away with naming her protag "Bella Swann" but you probably won't.
In general I think this query is too long on recounting the plot of the story, and doesn't show enough why this is something fresh and interesting. If we are talking mermen, I'll have to say that is a cultural seam that is as yet unmined by Urban Fantasy, but it's going to be a tough sell to YA readers brought up on "The Little Mermaid". If it *is* a merman story, then I think you've got to be up front and brazen about it. Whatever it is about your story that is different, you ought to be brazen about it, because people like and detest different things. If you are reticient, then your manuscript will sound indistinct. Better to be distinct, and trigger somebody's dislike than to be indistinct and trigger nobody's liking.
## Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
quote: Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
OK, so we have what seems to be a votive order of chivalry. Again, lead with the understandable dilemma: Anlin is an aging knight of a religious order who is losing his faith. What *specifically* about this makes Anlin a compelling character? Overall this paragraph is confusing. It seems to imply that one of Anlin's articles of faith is "Thou wilt never receive a summons from a ten year old girl."
This is the thing about votive orders of chivalry: you swear to undertake some task under certain conditions for a set period of time. So his vows might require him to champion the cause of any woman or girl who calls upon him. So far so good; we've got the mandatory part covered. We get that. But what is it about *this* call from *this* girl that prompts Anlin's crisis of faith? The impression we get from this query is that you've got an interesting story idea that you haven't fully worked out yet.
I think you need to make Anlin's dilemma vivid and memorable here. Generally, the query goes on to recount a lot of plot and world building details, but in my opinion these seldom make a story stand out on their own. My reaction to world building and plot details in these is MEGO (My Eyes Glaze Over).
quote: Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
OK, this is a dilemma. You might even *lead* with this. But the query doesn't make the dilemma sound logical. Does he have to respond to the girl's summons because of his vow? You seem to be saying here that his vow requires him to kill the girl; in that case why does the girl summon him? I am assuming you've got this all worked out, but the challenge is to make the dilemma clear without overwhelming us with detail.
The needs of the many vs. the needs of the individual is a powerful dilemma, and if you think you have something to say about it, stand up and say it loudly and clearly, because that puts you head and shoulders above most writers when it comes to moral vision.
posted
I haven't read anyone else's critique. (Other than of my own of course.) So I apologize if I repeat what others have said.
Meredith, MAGE STORM Critique: I'd prefer to know Rell's full name - Composed, did you mean Comprised? - The ashes are creating storms? - I didn't like the word freak. Although we say freak storms it didn't fit here. - Did Rell get hit while out swimming? The storms are all over the world like our thunderstorms? If so, why is anyone left, and what does a mage storm consist of? - The word real before help isn't necessary - Trav, again full name. My take: Sounds fun and like a rousing adventure.
Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC Critique: Great title. I hope it's a comedy. - Consider the word appear instead of look. - There's a "thin" overkill in the first few sentences. - consider switching the word know and yet. My take: Comic fun. I'd prefer more info about the characters if possible. It seems plot heavy right now. Example. The only thing I know about Joe is that he's new.
MartinV, NEW KIND OF WARFARE Critique: I think it's ok to tell me Snowflake's name without the mockingly part. That's a waste of words in this short query. - "like a bloodhound" waste of words. I want facts, not what things are like. Hit me. - "What he uncovers..." vague. What does he uncover? Hit me. (see where I'm going with this?) My take: Unfortunately this query painted a small world. I want to know more about it if possible.
Osiris, SYMBIOSIS Critique: I'd say "a decision will eclipse" not "to eclipse" - "more death than he has seen in his lifetime" is vague. Me? I've seen little death. A Dr., more. Are we talking hundreds? Thousands? Be more specific. "A death toll in the millions." - I like the way you threw your qualifications in there. Not sure if this is a no-no or not, because the writing is all that matters, but I thought that was slick. My take: Big world, big adventure, lots at stake, cool idea.
Genevive42, SANDFISHING Critique: The middle initial confused me here. - Do you have to name the planet or can you say "her planet". - Scraping by collecting scrap felt like an echo. - Love the contest/game idea. - It seems like the Varoon are intelligent? If so, by likening them to piranha I was confused. I wondered simply why she didn't get eaten when she fell in the sand. My take: The set up for a good novel is here. I already want to know more.
Snapper, POKEMON VENGEANCE: THE CALLING Critique: If you are bold enough to submit a pokemon novel, I'm going to assume you're sending to the right person, so the first bit regaling pokemon's popularity can go. - Your book follows the movie, but only after changing events? I was confused. - Not sure you should mention book two and three? I personally can't get a firm answer on whether to mention that or not. My take: I'm going to step out of character a moment and just say I wish you luck on this. For real... I'd love it if you sold it. (Sorry this wasn't helpful.)
Owasm, THE RELUCTANT MAGE Critique: The words wreaking havoc seemed tacked on in that sentence. Any way to blend them in? - I like the short character descriptions of who will be in the story. - rid her of the power she wants out of her life implies there's power in her life, but if she can't remember then then it's just information, right? - Facing a tough choice is good, but that sounded like the climax of the book. Not sure where it would go after that. My take: Well written. Covers the basis. Might give away the ending. (not the choice, but where the book leads)
MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD Critique: His name reminds me of Ace Ventura. (Einhorn). - The first paragraph is confusing. - He thought he knew what his life would be, may sound better active - Enniorhon's life as a surgeon and father was all he had hoped it would be until... - how does one stumble into politics? - Lose the words "in a world". - more dangerous places than a battlefield is a good sentence. My take: The right stuff is here, but the words are in the wrong order.
LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS Critique: The DJ part clashes right away with the rejection part. I'd go with removing the DJ stuff. - after a prophecy / over the phone. Perhaps say something like after receiving a prophecy regarding... The phone part isn't necessary is what I'm getting at. - Dissipate? Did you mean Despite? As in, in spite of? My take: The human world and Fey world didn't work for me in this query. I think you should lean toward one or the other more and focus on her current struggles.
MattLeo, THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT Critique: Echoing the word Frankenstein didn't work. See if you can say it just once. - Hector was very confusing to me. Is he a monster, is he huge? He becomes friends with Max. I am lost. - Remove the word somehow. He's likable. - "the school Hector attends" might sound better if he ends up "under the tutelage of Dr. Chin. Since you've set him up as a mad scientist, this makes me want to know what happens next instead of the more boring fact stating he's in the same school as Hector. - Chicks / romance. Good. My take: This was the thickest query ever. I don't mean that in a bad way. You covered a lot of ground and really set the story up nicely. (despite my confusion).
Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS Critique: Change the title, it's way overused. - I think there's too many adjectives for a query. It felt too descriptive. - Pan... not sure about that name either. It's totally Peter Pan and I know it. My take: Love the idea. Sounds dark and interesting.
Brendan, TSUNAMI RIDERS Critique: You believe? Is that OK to say? - Your troupe. HIS troupe. Your work. HIS work. Or "Job" maybe? - the wrath seems like it should not be there. Why was this programmed in? - I'm not sure mentioning your degrees is good for a query. Maybe others can echo or disagree, but intelligence doesn't mean creativity. My take: I am curious to see a few chapters. I would totally request them to see if you could write. After that I'd judge if I was swept up in the story.
RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL Critique: I can't find much wrong with this one. - I guess I didn't understand why if Dyln knows the queen is coming he would try to keep things under control then realize the queen has devious plans. Seems he would know that all along. My take: This is missing something. I don't know what. I think it needs more pizazz.
Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR Critique: Send this in. - Can I suggest changing the order of the first sentence to make the faith doubting come after explaining why? - I think the sentence starting with taking the coins could be reworded. It was a confusing sentence upon first read. My take: I hope others found stuff to critique, because I couldn't. I got swept up in the story and this was only a query.
[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited December 30, 2010).]
I still don't get how you show something in a few words like this. Of course I have enough troubles understanding Show in stories and novels much less a very short query synopses. But I read the query and comments on it.
posted
Oh hell yes! That query deserves an award! (Not sure what kind of an award but it definitely needs one.)
Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007
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Thanks for that link. Very interesting. It reminds me of the flash I did a while back.
Do you think it might be a good idea to just start a new thread with the new/revised queries? Originally we were going to revise in the original post but they are scattered about over the first two pages.
What do you think of a new, clean thread to revise into?
posted
That sounds like a reasonable idea. Get everything all together for the voting so nobody gets overlooked. But revised queries aren't due until the 7th and not all the critiques are in yet. Let's wait until a little closer to the deadline.
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posted
Hmm I thought the revised queries were due by the 7th not on the 7th. Must have misread something. Good thing I haven't quite finished my new one.
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quote:Hmm I thought the revised queries were due by the 7th not on the 7th. Must have misread something. Good thing I haven't quite finished my new one.
Yes, by the 7th. If anyone is just panting to put their revised query up, I'll create a topic for it. I thought most of us would prefer to wait for those last critiques anyway--just in case we want to make one final tweak.
Besides, waiting until the fifth or sixth to open the topic should help to keep the top spots just for the revised queries, before anybody starts voting.
posted
Whew. I think I got everyone. Lots of good work here and lots of books I hope to see on shelves in the future.
Here goes.
Meredith Mage Storm
I know that you've been writing many a query letter and it shows. This is solid and conveys the story well. The hooks are nicely placed. The only thing I don't get, and it may not be imperative to a query, is a sense of the MC's personality. If he's unique or quirky in any way, it doesn't show. But as I said, that may not be necessary.
This is the only sentence I got hung up on:
quote: After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list.
It's the middle that catches me. If you could work the 'taking the student with it' into the part about the explosion without making it a separate clause, I think it would work better. Or it may work to break it into two sentences instead.
This sounds like a good concept. ***
Shimiqua Funny Tragic, Crazy Manic
I might as well look at the revised one so I don't mention things you've already changed.
The first sentence turns me off a little, purely on subject matter. I'm tired of either thin people wanting to be thinner, or heavy people feeling like they need to be thin to be validated. It's a personal gripe, but I wanted to let you know the reaction it got from me. Also, you have the word 'only' in both of the first two sentences.
In the second paragraph, you mention who she is up against, but I don't know why she is up against them. The only problem mentioned so far is a need for money. I don't know how a witch, a seventeen year old boy and an evil healer are going to stop her from that goal.
The third paragraph is where you really get to the meat of things and I think you should place it second. The only thing that catches me in this paragraph is the last line. The 'or less tragically'. I know you're being wry about the fact that she considers heartbreak a bigger problem than treason, but on initial reading, the word 'less' deflated the tension you had set up.
You have worked some of the sense of humor into this query and I like that. But I also know your work and I would like to see more of the humorous aspect played up. From the title and your previous stories, I'm figuring this to be pretty funny. But an agent that hasn't read your short stories may not get that as strongly as they could.
This is a book I would want to read. ***
Martin V New Kind of Warfare
First line – I think you can cut, 'and slowly falling apart'. 'Crumbling' covers that.
The term Beast Folk and then the mention of most of them being 'harmless' don't fit well for me. The term 'Beast' has connotations of big, mean things. Also, the choice to capitalize Beast Folk, but not beastlies feels a bit odd.
Then you have the paragraph where you describe the dichotomies in Snowflake's behavior and the MC 'smells' a mystery. I'm not seeing what leads him to believe there's a mystery. It feels out of the blue. So there's one beastlie that doesn't fit the norm. I don't see how that propels the story. Maybe you need to give a little more hint as to what role the Beast Folk play. And since you started with the crumbling empire, does this story have anything to do with resolving that? I also don't know if you benefit from telling us that the MC has come to admire Snowflake. It doesn't seem to add much.
I like this concept and it definitely seems like something I would read. ***
Osiris Symbiosis
Also looking at the revised one.
Right off, and throughout, a lot of long sentences are making this a hard one to comprehend. There are a lot of concepts packed in here and I had to read this over for clarity.
In the first paragraph I think you can drop the specifics about who had died because of his decision in the war. Leave it at 'he had to make a lot of hard decisions being a doctor in the Korean War', (in cleaner terms, of course). The rest just convolutes things.
In the second paragraph, break up the second sentence into two or three and make it punchier.
The third paragraph starts light but then gets to the serious stuff about the future of humanity and symbiont war. Start with the serious and make sure it's clear. The fact that he could forget it all is a hook because it leaves him a choice. However, in the next bit, the idea that he has a choice seems to be moot and I wonder why the aliens would bother to give him a choice if they have that much control. So you might need a little clarity on why there is any chance that he's not completely alien controlled, because that defuses the idea behind the story for me. You start by saying that he has always had to make hard choices and then you take that away. I'm left wondering what this story can be about then. This seems like it could be interesting but I want a little more clarity on how much choice he really has. ***
Snapper Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling
I have read that some agents don't want to see your credits up front, they want story, so the first sentence might be a turn-off to some. It does sound a little presumptuous. But the set-up of the market comes off okay for your particular take.
This line stopped me:
quote: My novel follows a different path where he isn’t.
It took me a moment to realize you meant, 'he isn't revived'. I'd recommend clarifying.
The sentence that starts 'Four are taken,' could be broken into two sentences.
The next paragraph that tells of the story is good.
But then you have another paragraph talking about the book and its market. If anything, I think that idea is overplayed a little in this query. There's a bit too much of 'sell the marketing concept' and not enough, 'how this story is gripping'. Maybe that would work for this kind of pitch, but as someone who barely knows the franchise, I'm not hooked. ***
Owasm The Reluctant Mage
'Once' occurs twice in the first sentence.
My first question is why would he transfer his power into someone who couldn't use it? And my other question, is why can't women remember the spells? That line comes very close to insinuating that women of that world are too stupid to remember spells, though I'm sure that's not what you meant. Is there a magical reason? Do the men specifically design the spells with that goal? Is there something in the ability to have a child that blocks the magic, like it's dangerous to cast while pregnant? Please clarify this just enough to not raise feminine hackles.
When you mention, 'to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life,' I think you miss a chance for drama. This makes the power sound like it has the importance of a bully at school, not that she needs to get rid of it before the people pursuing her kill her.
You also mention all of the people that are coming along with her, but I don't get any sense of how truly important they are or what flavor they add to the story. I also want to know a little more about what leads up to her final, dreadful decision. I feel like I don't know enough about their challenges to be hooked - yet. ***
Axeminister The Sunday Killer
The first line seems solid, but it doesn’t do anything to differentiate it from any serial killer story or tv cop show. I'd like to see what makes this story unique.
The second line confused me and I had to read it a few times to get its meaning. So his friend's ghost falls silent, right? At this point, I don't see how this fits into things; not even after reading the whole query. I have a sense of what you were going for but it wasn't clear.
It takes until the third paragraph to get to the person who seems to be the main character. This was a little confusing because I thought the first guy you mentioned was the MC. However, from here on out, I think this query is solid and it makes me want to read the book. ***
Martin V The Purest Sword
I know they had surgeons way back when, but the word put my mind in the future and then the barbarians threw me back. Just wanted to let you know my initial reaction. His name was also a challenge right off.
I guess that overall, I don't come away from this query feeling like I know what the story is about. Other than 'warrior-guy being politically naïve', I don't know what his goal is or what is keeping him from it. I've been told that the political arena is dangerous, but I don't know why he's even in it.
I can't say there's much here to grab my attention. ***
LDWriter 2 Bright Lights and Chaos
The first sentence belongs at the end. The second sentence doesn't give any specific information, I would recommend dropping it.
I think the information in the first full paragraph can be condensed. We don't need her whole history.
Then you talk about the 'prophecy of Bright Lights and Chaos', but I have no idea what that is, and it doesn't get explained. After that, you start telling me what's in the story, rather than what it's about. It's sort of like trying to describe the taste of a chocolate chip cookie by telling someone the ingredients.
And at the end of this, I'm not clear on why the big baddie is doing what he's doing, or why she's the only one who can stop him.
I would recommend being more specific about what's happening in the story. ***
MattLeo The Wonderful Instrument
First line hooks – good.
The first half of the second paragraph had me intrigued. Though I did wonder how a liberal arts Frankenstein got created without all of the science stuff. Or how did he 'create' Hector? Do you mean it literally or sociologically? The second half of this paragraph started to lose me.
Then I'm not sure how the friendship, the restoring of confidence and the seduction play into thing. But at this point in the query, I don't know what the plot is so I can't gauge relevance.
The last paragraph with enemies coming from Europe and corrupting influences seems to come out of nowhere and I am completely lost. I just don't know what this story is about. ***
Tiergan The Lost Boys
The first paragraph feels a little clunky. The transition from good magic to bad could be stronger, more distinct. I think the last sentence is just too long. Break it up for clarity and I think you'll be set.
Other than that, I think this is solid. You set a really good atmosphere and easily tell enough story to get the idea. And it's fair enough to assume that we all recognize the Peter Pan tie-in, but even if we didn't, your idea is still easily understood. Well done.
This is a cool concept and I would read this book. ***
Brendan Tsunami Riders
Good opening without overselling.
When you say 'seriously big', give a height. I have the advantage of having read the short story you wrote of this and I know that you mean far beyond any Earthly concept of 'big wave', so you have to get the agent's mind on the same immense scale.
This line, since it is the crux and uniqueness of the story, needs to be stronger:
quote: And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
It might be better as two sentences. You also need to clarify whether Harbor is a city, a planet, an island, whatever.
The first sentence where you start to explain the wrath is a little confusing, especially at the end. The rest of the explanation seems pretty good.
The one thing you don't mention, is why it's important to return the wrath. What are the consequences if he fails? What is at stake here?
This is a great concept and I would be happy to read this book. ***
Roxy L Mother of Pearl
The first paragraph is good. Consider for the last line, 'The queen wants to kill her.' Just a thought, for impact.
I think the rest of the query sounds good. My only concern is that it reminds me very much of the Leviathan series by Scott Westerfeld, right down to a main character named Dylan and a hidden prince that may be heir to the throne traveling around secretly. Your story seems to focus more on the cat and mouse chase and Westerfeld's is set against a steampunk backdrop of WWI, but it so similar. Of course, that could be an advantage to be able to say this kind of story is working well in the market already.
As far as your query, it's good. My only problem with the concept is that I feel like I've read it before. ***
Tiergan Knight's Valor
In the first line, 'forces of evil' is a bit vague and common, maybe punch it up a little. In the second line, I don't know what about the little girl's summons makes him doubt his faith. That's important.
In the second paragraph I don't understand the bit about the coin purses. Is he using the money to drink himself into oblivion every night, or is there something magical involved here?
After that, the query is great. These are the lines that really grabbed me:
quote: The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
I would read this book based on this. ***
[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited January 02, 2011).]
First, let me say thank you to everyone who has commented and put their stuff out there to be commented on. I have learned so much from this process it has been invaluable.
With the holidays and those of us who are running a shade late, what do you think of giving an extra few days or a week before the rewrites are due. I've gotten some great advice, as I believe we all have, and I would really like to put a good effort into my revised version.
quote: With the holidays and those of us who are running a shade late, what do you think of giving an extra few days or a week before the rewrites are due. I've gotten some great advice, as I believe we all have, and I would really like to put a good effort into my revised version.
Well, if no one objects, it's okay with me. The 7th is a Friday. What do you say to the 10th, to give everyone the weekend to work on it? Or does anyone want more time than that?
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