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Author Topic: What's your story about? -ENTRIES-
axeminister
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And the winner is!?

Tiergan - #16 with a landslide victorious 33 points!

Here's a snapshot of the top 10:

#16 = 33 pts
#21 = 16 pts
#31 = 12 pts
#27 = 12 pts
#25 = 11 pts
#19 = 11 pts
#22 = 10 pts
#2b = 9 pts
#32 = 9 pts
#07 = 8 pts

I'd like to thank everyone for playing. Hopefully this was a helpful and fun exercise.

See you all at the next challenge!

Axe

[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited March 12, 2011).]


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axeminister
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Entry #1

Four thousand years after everyone on Earth is killed, one man is resurrected to be studied, but instead he seeks revenge by resurrecting more humans, allying with a powerful alien race, then taking the fight to the enemy.


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History
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Entry #2

An unordained rabbi and mystic seeks to solve a series of occult murders and stop a demon from animating a golem composed from the remains of the dead.

[This message has been edited by History (edited February 28, 2011).]


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History
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Entry #2b

A succubus with no name and a blind Jewish tailor with no future find love--and thereby make a name and a future for themselves.


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genevive42
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Entry #3

Reego is very old and very rich, and through the secret process of Essence Transfer - he wants to steal his granddaughter's body.

[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited March 01, 2011).]


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Utahute72
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Entry #4

Ricky DeGausse is a New Oleans detective that spends his nights looking for his missing wife amid the city's seedy underside, finding an ancient evil instead.

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 01, 2011).]


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Owasm
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Entry #5

To keep the world from being dominated by gods who would enslave all men, six mages fight another group of six mages, however all twelve mages will ultimately question whose gods are right and who are wrong.


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Dark Warrior
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Entry #6

With the help of his symbiote Sea Otter, Bing Salvatore must stop an entire underwater society--led by a corrupt tyrant--from destroying itself with the overuse and corruption of magic as his own society had done years before.

[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited March 01, 2011).]


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MartinV
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(I posted mine not long ago. I hope I can still participate with it.)


Entry 7#: He is the warrior; she is the dangerous one; he gave his life to save hers; she would risk all Life to bring him back.

[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited March 10, 2011).]


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axeminister
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Entry #8

When Merlin's final prophesy comes true and brings him back to life, he vows revenge on the sister who killed him dragging a young, inexperienced descendant along and causing destruction across Britain.


.

[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited March 01, 2011).]


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Robert Nowall
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Hmm...I actually feel motivated to put something up here. I'll put tag lines for the five stories I put up on my website, so if someone's motivated to check...

Plant Girl: Even if your creation was an evil act, it doesn't mean you have to be.

Dogs: People change a lot over the years.

The Danger of Going Native: Your boss might not have your best interests at heart.

The Laminants: Keep your humanity, no matter what happens to you.

A Raft: It's the idea that's important.


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pdblake
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removed

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited March 08, 2011).]


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Meredith
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Entry # 10 (?)

A young woman warrior struggling with the berserker curse in her blood and a young prince whose gullibility put him on the wrong side of the walls at the beginning of a siege are the only hope to save a kingdom.


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shimiqua
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Entry deleted.

[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited March 04, 2011).]


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Meredith
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Entry #12

Even Los Angeles may not be a big enough hiding place when a half-werewolf and a dragon unite to protect an innocent woman from a murderer.


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Utahute72
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Since we're doing mulitples

Entry #13

An archeologist discovers that there have been many highly technological civilizations in the past that have been destroyed, while a secret Cabal carries knowledge forward to their benefit.

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 02, 2011).]


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Owasm
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Entry #14

Jonathon expected to be the savior of civilization, but actually his well intentioned acts led to the deaths of all he loved and when he ultimately saved civilization, his successes were like ashes in his mouth.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 02, 2011).]


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genevive42
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Entry # 15

A deep-sea fish encounters a maelstrom of plastic trash that gives her extreme melding abilities but she thinks it's a god who is sending her on a mission to unite all the fish of the sea.

[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited March 02, 2011).]


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Tiergan
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Entry #16

An aging knight has lost his faith and the only one who can restore it, is the young girl he is bound by magic to kill.

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited March 03, 2011).]


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snapper
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Entry# 17
A lot of stuff happens to a bunch of characters that is too complicated and intricate to describe in a single sentence.

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Brendan
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Entry # 18

In a future where cancer has been tamed, even domesticated, Rachel finds it can still have some heart-rending effects.


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aspirit
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Here's hoping for an absence of creepy spam on my blog. (Unlike last time...)

---

Entry #19

In a covert U.S. program, teenager Darren O'Doyle battles with his teammates for an unexpected objective: control of his mind.


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aspirit
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Entry #20

Although prominent military and religious leaders regard him as a blessing, the boy transported to their world by the gods could undermine many of their most cherished beliefs.


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aspirit
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Entry #21

A descendant of space aliens living in rural Pennsylvania must leave behind the young woman he loves to return to his ancestral planet for the defense of humanity.


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axeminister
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Entry #22

While interning at a NYC precinct, psychology student Lisa Abernathy finds herself embroiled in a serial murder case in which one of her patients might be the killer.

.

[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited March 04, 2011).]


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Unwritten
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Entry #23

Prince Rillion has found a way to convert Earth's resources into the energy necessary to perform magic on Terra, and the task of saving Earth falls on the shoulders of six teenagers with problems of their own.


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snapper
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Entry # 24

Baseball icon and war hero Ted Williams awakens from death 200 years into the future to discover two college boys, who hope to get reacquainted with the lost activity of sex, have reattached his head to a young and sexy female body, and finds himself in the middle of a fascist madmans plot to take over a sleeping and lethargic society.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 04, 2011).]


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philocinemas
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Entry #25

On a parallel Earth, where dinosaurs in North America alone survived the cretaceous extinction, a raptor-riding loner, named Wild Bill Hickok, mentors a young orphan while helping to tame the western frontier, otherwise known as dinosaur country.


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kevenwall
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Entry #26

-A world exists, accessed through the veiled happenings of all mankind's dreams, and an ambitious young dream-weaver and his squad must defeat the men and monsters on both sides of the veil if Earth is to survive.

[This message has been edited by kevenwall (edited March 05, 2011).]


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philocinemas
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Okay, one more and then something really fun:

Entry #27

In the near future, a seasoned cop becomes a fugitive while trying to protect a female scientist from a secret government organization bent on covering up her and her slowly maddening partner’s discovery, a cure for aging.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited March 06, 2011).]


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philocinemas
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Just for fun:

Entry #28

In an alternate universe, The Beatles gain superpowers through a freak accident and are worshipped as gods, but seeking freedom from the imposed socialism, a group of scientists clone a recently deceased Elvis Presley and give him genetic enhancements with hopes of defeating the Fab Four.


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RoxyL
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Entry #29


A disguied prince can avert war with an undersea kingdom by replacing a deranged queen with a reclutant princess, but doing so will betray his country and people he loves.

[This message has been edited by RoxyL (edited March 05, 2011).]


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elilyn
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Entry # 30

Civil war rages between the One Church, protected by the king, and the Elemental Gods who have selected a new champion.


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Utahute72
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OK, One more for the mill.

Entry #31

An exploratory spacecraft discovers a 500 year old ship that shouldn't be this far from earth, with an occupant who should have died centuries ago.

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 06, 2011).]


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Brendan
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Entry #32

After living complete lives, a primary school class find themselves back in 1975, inhabiting their eight year old bodies again, and decide to change the world, and their own futures, for the better.


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axeminister
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Entry #33

A stagnating police offer is searching for Jesus, who has been kidnapped by German militants bent on taking over the world using mind controlling beer (which doesn't work) and entertainment while the 24 hour a day reality TV show that secretly captures their every move has the entire country riveted.


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pdblake
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removed

[This message has been edited by pdblake (edited March 08, 2011).]


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elilyn
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#1 16
#2 27
#3 1

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kevenwall
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#1: 16
#2: 13
#3: 22

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Meredith
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First: #2b

Second: #16

Third: #9

Since #9 has been removed:

Third : #2

Would have been #7, but it violated the contest rule of only a single sentence.

[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited March 08, 2011).]


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Unwritten
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In all fairness, I've got to mention that the one that was most memorable and really held my attention was snapper's #17

quote:
A lot of stuff happens to a bunch of characters that is too complicated and intricate to describe in a single sentence.

Sorry, snapper, it probably deserved my number 1 vote, but it didn't get it. Instead I chose:

1: #32
2. #10
3. #25

It was hard to pick. I narrowed it down to about 10, and then it was just a matter of which stories really sounded interesting to me. I'd hoped to do a short synopsis, but there are just too many.

Instead, this is what I noticed:
I liked sentences that mentioned connections between people.

I liked getting descriptions of people's characteristics more than about events. i.e. "the young prince's gullibility" made me more interested in reading than telling me what he'd done would have. So perhaps this is a case when telling is better than showing?

We can't always do this, but being able to connect our story to another story--like with Merlin, Bill Hickock or Cinderella--paints a picture using hardly any words.


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History
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#1 16
#2 12
#3 7

Tough decision. I tended to favor the pithy almost poetical entries. Sentences that seemed to try to say too much (my own included) were comparatively lacking.

I like the ones I could imagine being said by that deep-voiced narrator for movie trailers.

Respectfully,
Dr. Bob


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philocinemas
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All right, I had a hard time with this one. Many of these sounded like weird movie mix-ups, and I even started to give them names. However, I decided to demonstrate reserve in fear that I might offend some.

Here was my list that I narrowed my decision down to: 7, 13, 16, 19, 21, and 31.

All of these were very intriguing, but I chose based on the ones I, personally, would be most interested to read.

First - #31
Second - #21
Third - #19


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Utahute72
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OK, Here’s mine with a bit of explanation. I tend toward SF not fantasy, so the more pure the SF the more likely I am to pick it.

#1. Nice, I would definitely ask to see more on this one.
#2,2b. Fairly similar, not really into either, but #2 is closer.
#3 This one just creeped me out, maybe it’s because I’m a grandfather, but not my thing.
#5 Not my cup of tea.
#6 This one had some interest for me, I would like to see where it’s going.
#7 Interesting interplay here, but not enough to make me want to follow up.
#8 Also interesting, I would like to see more. I do have a lot of interest in the Arthur legend.
#9 This one looked like there was a bit of every fantasy story ever written in it.
#10 A little too much on the Fantasy side for me.
#12. Hmmm, A dragon “hiding” in LA. Again a little to much fantasy here for me.
#14. This one may have some interest, but the gist of the story was lost in the poetic language, so I couldn’t really tell.
#15. Nemo meets the Favad. You younger guy and gals will have to have your parents explain the Favad to you.
#16. This one is proof that even an interesting premise can cause one to read a genre your not particularly interested in. I would like to read more.
#17. I feel I should vote for this one just because, but I won’t.
#18. This one sounds interesting, I would like to see where it leads.
#19. Also another interesting premise.
#20. Not generally enamored with religious overtones, but this one has promise.
#21. This one I really liked.
#22. This one is also good, more of a straight mystery as written, but interesting.
#23. This one could be good for a younger audience.
#24. I will recuse myself from this one because I’ve read the whole story, but it’s really good.
#25. This one’s a little bit too much of a reach for me.
#26. Not my cup of tea.
#27. I liked this one. Bit of a familiar ring to it, but I would ask for more.
#28. OK, while the music references from my era is interesting, not enough for me to follow through a whole story.
#29. A bit too much fantasy for me.
#30. Here’s a case where the religious overtones stopped me from wanting more.
#32. Interesting premise here. Would like to see more.
#33. A bit too cutesy for me.

If Pressed to grade them my order would be.
1. #21
2. #22
3. #8
4. #1

[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited March 07, 2011).]


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RoxyL
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Tough to pick! There's lots of good stuff here.

1) #25
2) #16
3) #22


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Dark Warrior
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1-2
2-14
3-21

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Brendan
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There were some interesting ones among the list. I tended to look at the concept, particularly its uniqueness and scope for discovery throughout the story. My votes went to

1st Place: # 15

This really intrigued me. “Extreme melding abilities” give the impression of mind-melds that schools of fish seem to have (some recent research has suggested that they make better decisions as a group than as individuals). This is a big idea, with plenty of room for comedy and/or exploration of both environment and ideas, whichever direction you choose to take it. Whilst “Finding Nemo” is out there, it has probably only primed people for the rise and rise of the “fish story” genre.

2nd Place: # 21

Although the defense of humanity has been done many times before, I am a sucker for it, and this has a twist that offers plenty of room to play off conflicting affections.

3rd Place: # 25

Although the idea of dinosaurs surviving on a continent isn't all that unique (e.g. Harry Harrison's Eden series) this blends a famous character (both historic and fictional) and a second millieu (wild west) into the idea, making it quite intriguing.

Special mentions include 1, 8, 10, and 31

As for entry 17, do we really want another Robert Jordan?


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axeminister
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If I read the story, I didn't vote for it because I feel like I have inside knowledge and it skews my feelings toward the logline.

Meanwhile - here's the beef.

#1. Mine. This novel is complete.
#2. I've read a bit of this already. It's good stuff thus far.
#2b or not to be. I hope this is a humorous tale.
#3. Read this. Liked it.
#4. I keep seeing Ricky Gervais. I like the premise. Hopefully no vamps.
#5. Love the idea of keeping Gods from dominating the world. Then to have them pitted against each other makes the last line of defense seem pretty fragile. Lots of room for good conflict here.
#6. Dub D, this sounds familiar. Is it a story I read?
#7. Martin, you and your four sentences. I like them tho.
#8. Mine. This novel is complete.
#9. Blatt
#10. Nice. Sounds like a love story to me. (I mean that in a good way)
#11. Shimmy, you had my #1 vote. I'm bummed you deleted.
#12. This had serious build up until the last word. Mad fantasy elements, then plain murderer. I was a little let down.
#13. I love past civilization stuff. "The White Mountains" "Shannara" (need more input)
#14. This has a conclusion in the sentence. It should retain some mystery to give a hook to the listener.
#15. Read this. It received an HM. Go Genevive.
#16. That's a lot of conflict, inner and outer, in one tiny sentence. Good job.
#17. Oh Snap!
#18. Remove the word tamed. Domesticated is very intriguing on its own. I need a specific example of what it means to the MC.
#19. I want a specific on the program. Is it a video game? Guns? VR?
#20. I don't like the word transported. I think undermine needs to be stronger. Maybe "destroy" or something that needs to be fought against. He's there to break them, not bend them.
#21. Nail. Head. Hit.
#22. Mine. This is my current WIP.
#23. The word Terra threw me. Also, I didn't see the conflict between the set up portion of the sentence and the hook. There's magic, okay, not sure how that threatens earth. Are the teenagers friends? Strangers? I mention that because strangers sounds stronger than problems. All teens have problems, (as do all people for that matter.) what I want to know is what they are.
#24. must... not... like... insane... idea... Crap. I give up, It's awesome.
#25. The very wild west. I dig.
#26. Very well written sentence. Good premise. High stakes.
#27. This sounds like it would make a great movie. Lots of action.
#28. If you've written this, I want to see it!
#29. I can't put my finger on it, but this was tough to wrap my mind around. It might be the second word. I don't know what you're trying to say.
#30. Sounds like an epic story. I want to know more about the new champion.
#31. I like. The word "this" doesn't belong and occupant needs an adjective.
#32. Hmm. Nice concept. I'm hoping for some conflict between the classmates tho. Right now it seems they all want the same thing.
#33. Mine. This screenplay is complete. It's a spoof on the cop movie genre.

The stories I most want to read (that I haven't already,), in order:

#13
#28
#26

Axe


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genevive42
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# 1 – The 'but instead' throws me a little, but this is excellent. I get a real sense of what this story is about.
# 2 – Magical, demon-powered Frankenstein – interested but I'd like to know how it can end differently than what seems obvious.
# 2b – There's a disconnect here. I don't see how them finding love can make a name for them.
# 4 – This feels cliché to me.
# 5 – Good, but I'd rather know a bit more about the ideologies than the math.
# 6 – Solid, but with all of the pauses and the length of it, it feels like it could be stronger.
# 7 – Excellent, gets me involved in the characters and I don't even know who they are.
# 8 – Good and specific. Biggest problem for me is that I don't know if I care about Merlin.
# 10 – Nice and specific. 'Only hope' always bothers me a bit, but good.
# 12 – It makes me question why the innocent woman is so important, but doesn't give me a hint to the answer. I'd like a hint.
# 13 – There's discovery, but no conflict presented. I don't get a sense of what the story is about.
# 14 – Feels more like a summary than a hook.
# 16 – Nice and succinct. I think if you say what, or who, he lost his faith in, it might give me more a sense of the world and the character
# 17 – Haha.
# 18 – A little vague.
# 19 – Definitely makes me curious. Interesting concept.
# 20 – Don't know who 'they' are and 'undermine' doesn't seem much of a threat.
# 21 – Feels familiar, almost cliché.
# 22 – Feels cliché.
# 23 – Somewhat vague and unclear.
# 24 – Feels like a B movie – was it one?
# 25 – No specific conflict presented.
# 26 – Interesting idea but no sense of what is threatening the Earth.
# 27 – The hook is all in the last four words, the rest feels familiar.
# 28 – Go Elvis!
# 29 – Feels like a chess game, but I'd like to have more hint about the betrayal.
# 30 – So there's a war, but whose story is it and what's it about?
# 31 – Well done pitch, but I don't know how it differs from what I foresee as a sleeper ship story.
# 32- Good concept, feels very optimistic but I don't get a sense of the specific conflict.
# 33 – The Truman Show with a (Nazi) twist?

Voting
First: # 7
Second: # 1
Third: #19
Fourth: # 10

Overall, I'd say that the ones I liked best were the ones that were specific and presented a clear conflict.


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MartinV
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I see some people saying my post isn't good because it has multiple sentences. I tried putting my sentences together but all the whiles, ands and buts just messed it up. I think the point here is to make it short enough to be pitched in a few seconds and it has to sound simple enough to be spoken out loud.

So sue me.

[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited March 08, 2011).]


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