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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Discussions About Orson Scott Card » Reviewer comments unlikely to be used on book jackets (Page 0)

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Author Topic: Reviewer comments unlikely to be used on book jackets
Bob_Scopatz
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This novel has made of me a true believer in slavery and fascism as positive forces. At least, I'm now convinced by the very fact that this book was published that the free market has failed us utterly and it's time to enforce some discipline on the whole enterprise.
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Stone_Wolf_
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I laughed til I stopped!

Like a frontal lobotomy with a dust jacket!

Even the cliff notes were too long!

A book which strongly deserves to be abridged!

Voted #1 read by the Sadomasochist Society of America!

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toshiro
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Nearly tastes like chicken.

Will make your brain fart.

The Dialog was written well, especially so for the mime character.

A standard for all text books.

Larry Moe and Curly's cautionary tale about the plight of an Ostrich Farmer about to lose his farm at the hands of an industry giant who uses 'small folk' to produce amusements for children. The Farmer faces threats of aerial bombardment by the dangerous yet cute flying antler circus. L M and C run around and desperately try to catch the dirty bombs in pails before the Ostriches are pelted and utterly demorilized.

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Peek
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Peek Approved.
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Reticulum
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"Gerp de Berp de schmerbity urp!"
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Bob_Scopatz
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You should let this book age like a fine wine. Or vinegar.

This is a book best reserved for special occassions, such as Armageddon or when you find out that your accountant has been embezzling. It'll make those problems seem trivial in comparison.


An extremely powerful book -- I'd estimate 3.7 therms upon complete combustion.

Some have judged this novel suitable only as fish wrap. I think it prudent to qualify this by stating that it depends entirely on which kind of fish.

It is the thought that there might've been books like this in the collection that gives some small measure of solace as I mourn the loss of the library at Alexandria.

Remember when I warned you after this author's first book? Well, see! I told you not to encourage him.

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Bob_Scopatz
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The prose equivalent of a two-hour drum solo.
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Bob_Scopatz
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Not since Dante's Inferno have so many readers come so close to experiencing hell.

If you can only read 10,000 books this week, you might consider this one for your list.

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Bob_Scopatz
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The one advantage I can imagine from having finished this book is that I no longer have trouble pronouncing words like Mrpxp!vnckjvr. In fact, all words sound like Mrpxp!vnckjvr to me now.
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LadyDove
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A coffee table book, suitable for use as a coaster.
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Orson Scott Card
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(Scopatz, "inferno" and "drum solo" blow me away! I'm desperate to write the books to deserve those encomiums!)
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Bob_Scopatz
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Thanks!

As my mother would say "Stop that, you'll only encourage him."

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Bob_Scopatz
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I took it out of the library. They thanked me and bricked off the shelf.
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dantesparadigm
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I you're looking for a heavy blunt object perfect for beating someone unconscious, this book is perfect; otherwise... not so much.

If you only burn one book this year, make it this one.

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Bob_Scopatz
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The author was paid in copies. He refused them.
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human_2.0
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The author was paid with the corpses of those who read this book and promptly died.
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Hyperfried
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"The New York Times best-selling book that only got there because of bribery."

"The new substitute to laxatives!"

"Best used as kindling, not reading material."

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Eva Scrye
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"...not...that...bad..."

Here's an obscure one:
"Comes highly recommended by Jack Chick!"

"Just when you think it's getting good, you realize you were reading the author's bio on the back cover, but couldn't distinguish it from the rest of the book."


The Guardian
Eva Scrye

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Bob_Scopatz
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This plot wouldn't thicken if you dumped a whole truckload of cornstarch in it.


Reads like the novelization of the back of that tag one finds in shirts.


Way beyond gripping and well into debilitating abdominal cramps.

Islamic leaders have issued a fatwah calling upon the faithful to raise their left eyebrows at this author. o_0

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davjonz
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Winner of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest three years running!
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Penta
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Winner of the Booker Award for Worst Sex in a novel!
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Bob_Scopatz
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The author's philosphy rings through like the cheap electronic door chimes at a Chinese take-out.
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Orson Scott Card
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The letter Z occurs 4332 times.
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Bob_Scopatz
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-- primarily because the author fell asleep and his nose hit the keyboard.
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Eva Scrye
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Heh, nice one Bob.

"Might spontaneously combust in an act of literary suicide!"

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Bob_Scopatz
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This is a book that takes careful aim, fires, and still manages to fatally stab itself. . .

Upon further consideration, I feel it is my duty to alert the reader that the above is NOT a metaphor.

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Dasa
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Uplifting...like hot air.
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Orincoro
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"Just when I thought I was out. It pulled me back in"

"you'll be talking smack about this book for weeks"


"100 weeks and still not on the Ny times best seller list"


"Not as bad as Orson Scott Card"
-(the logic of this one is unclear even to me, thus unlikely?)

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Bob_Scopatz
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This book belongs in a time capsule so that people in the future can open it up and wonder what the heck we were thinking.


Sweetly nostalgic in a cyclamate kind of way.

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HectorVictor
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"A great substitute for sleeping pills!"

"This...book...was...bad[great]!"

"A great White Elephant gift!"

"Considering suicide? Not the book for you!"

The classic: "The best part was the end!"

"I was suprised to find that, by the time I finished it, I had knawed off my right arm!"

"What book is this again? (oh, woops, forgot the !) !"

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Stone_Wolf_
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"My eyes have fallen out of my head, please help me!"

"Better then the scrip of Oliver Stone's 'Alexander'!"

"Surgeon Generals's Warning: Do not read this book if you are pregnant, breast feeding or ovulating."

"This book contains letters which form words and is therefore officially considered literature."

"The Library of Congress has awarded this book the prestigious award of 'ISBN: 9-076-67588-4'!"

"This book is considered cruel and unusual punishment by the Geneva Convention!"

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Descolada Survivor
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[ROFL] -slams head on keyboard- thats so awsome!!!!!
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Descolada Survivor
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"well thats 2 weeks of my life im never getting back"

"looking for a intense read? read something else"

"side effects: explosive diarrhea, anorexia, severe narcolepsy, and heart attack or stroke, if you experiance more than two of these symtoms at once discontinue use of this book"

"waiting for a bus is more exiting"

"i think it was a good book but i was only awake for the first 5 pages"

"pure crap"

"why he wrote a second or third book utterly escapes me"

"if you read this book all the way through you deserve a purple heart"

"Orsons Non-Exploding Books, Warning: book my spontaniously combust"

"the only thing this book is good for is beating yourself to death after wasting half your life reading it"

"makes a great paperweight"

"you'd find more context trying to read a brick"
(i should be doing my work right now [ROFL] )

[ January 11, 2006, 12:54 PM: Message edited by: Descolada Survivor ]

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Descolada Survivor
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"this book was comprised of many........words"
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Descolada Survivor
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"you better buy more copies winters gonna be cold this year"
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Bob_Scopatz
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The novel that killed off the Oprah Book Club

"Based on a shorter book that was better written."

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Sterling
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"Place book in microwave for 99 minutes and 99 seconds on high, and walk away."
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vonk
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"Now featuring several words!"
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oolung
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this thriller was so scary I had to push it out of my memory!

extraordinary! Such a simple plot expressed in such complicated words!

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Boon
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"A highly unusual sequence of words!"
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Boon
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"Makes a great Dirty Santa gift!"
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Topher
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The cast of Laguna Beach gave it 5 stars! (perhaps too close to the mark *scarred*)

Brings the art of crayon drawings masterfuly to life.

The jacket illustrations really are amazing.

If you need a break from good literature, this is your book.

The type is big and easy to read.

It's what kept Charles Manson going.

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Bob_Scopatz
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It is the "spork" of literature.
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Descolada Survivor
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"an extremely imaginitive boo- wait we're talking about (insert book here)?"
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HectorVictor
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"It says, 'UGGGGGGHHHHHGHGHHHHH', but why would the book reviewer write UUGGHHHH?"

Gimme a smilie if you get the allusion.

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Descolada Survivor
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" slightly more intense then watching paint dry"

"if you had a choice of either reading this book or watching grass grow, choose the grass"

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Bob_Scopatz
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Readers Digest 'condensed' this book to the essential bits...it appeared in November's issue as one of those footnote jokes they use as filler.
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Orincoro
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" Just the Solution you've been looking for, for a little extra fiber in your diet!"

"A Lifetime Original in the making"

"Paris Hilton gives it two thumbs way up."

"Bulletproof!"

" Given a 'Rave Review!' by www.we-give-you-a-rave-review-free.com/seriously"

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IB_wench
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[Smile] very nice. the members of Monty Python would be proud!
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jaysedai6
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I read the book and now non of my other personalites will talk to me
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