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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Discussions About Orson Scott Card » Reviewer comments unlikely to be used on book jackets (Page 7)

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Author Topic: Reviewer comments unlikely to be used on book jackets
tmservo
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"All of the pages were in order."

"The binding used non-animal product binding glue. A definite plus!"

"The Author has a great, almost caligraphic signature in his opening note."

"Uses the word 'Maelstrom' so often you'd think it was Coca-Cola"

"A wondrously cheap per dose epicac"

"Three hours of your life you'll never have back!"

"Much cheaper then any book on my recommended list."

"Very safe to hide money or other items in from prying eyes."

"Just putting it on your desk makes you seem more intellectual; but reading it tends to make you less so."

"Unbelievably accurate kerning throughout."

"Works great as a doorstop."

"If dropped, deadly against 9/10 insects tested upon."

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tmservo
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From a real book:

"Sickening. Demented. By the time you get to the dog-raping scene, you know this is something different. A Must read for the cyberpunk generation!"

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Sterling
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"You remember that study that said something like half of America hadn't read anything longer than a TV Guide synopsis in a year? Books like this are why."
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Will B
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A book no one else would dare publish, and even we weren't too sure!

At last, a detective novel everyone can solve!

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human_2.0
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Surgeon General's Warning: this book may cause serious brain damage.

At last, a book EVERYONE can agree should be banned!

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human_2.0
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Best seller. Nothing can get through this book. Army is using it as bullet proof vests. President is having his nuclear bomb shelter lined with copies. Now selling in bulk.

(I'm stealing this next quote from Mr. Card)

"I'd rather watch the names erode off tombstones" than read this book.

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human_2.0
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Although intended as contemporary fiction, this book is now popular amongst the assisted suicide community as reading it causes instant death. Needless to say, I didn't read it.

Perfect gift for the ex-spouse.

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Jebu
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"Everything you wanted to know about the author's beliefs, expressed through monotonous dialogue between two-dimensional characters."

"I'm the author's friend, and I'm doing him a favor by praising this book. It's good. If you don't believe me, go buy the book and see for yourself!"

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GaalD
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If you love the Harry Potter series, you'll probably hate this book!
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GaalD
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Just read this book. What's the worst that can happen?
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GaalD
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Incredibly written! I was completely shocked when the main character dies at the end!
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Avery Good Schreibner
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Incredible! Hot as a hemorrhoid in summer.

Action packed, rivals a snail crawling across a hot sidewalk.

Absorbing. Sponge Bob ain't got nothing on this one.

Modern classic tale inspired by monkeys at typewriters.

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Bob_Scopatz
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The author weilds a pen with scalpel-like precision. It's not his fault that the patient died.

Could've been written by Shakespeare. In fact, pages 45-73 were.

Changed my life. Changed my name and address too. They still found me and made me review this tripe.

Every time someone buys this book, an angel gets its wings...
...ripped off at the shoulder blades.

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Assassin Link
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This book will make you try to fly
This book will make you shoot yourself

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Assassin Link
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This book causes sleep disorters

I was shocked when it turned out that ender killed the buggers and thought it was a game! Thumbs up


here is my number

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Tatiana
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This is a real one from the autobiography of Nevil Shute, "The most exciting book about an engineer you'll ever read!"
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romanylass
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Fully Compostable!

A wonderful gift for destructive toddlers.

Trying to house train your puppy? This book will help...your carpets.

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Avery Good Schreibner
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Plot based on old stories as told by tea leaves.

Hi. My name is Lenny. I like this book. It makes me sit taller.

A real page turner. She loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not; she loves me....

Handy for hunters and hikers. More compact than a roll of toilet paper.

This book has really leveled things out in my life. It fits perfectly under my desk leg where the foot fell off.

This book is the ultimate macho man detector - if he can rip it in half with his bare hands, you've got a real macho man. (Wimps can bench press it.)

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Reticulum
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"Great for headhunters!"

"Think your 8 year old son has bad grammar? Read This!"

"It's so bad, you'll get cancer!"

"Once you read this, cheese will exlode from your nostrils!"

"What really happens when people fall asleep on their computer and hit the keyboard."

"The greatest work of Scientific Mediocrety of the last 8 minutes.!

"Want to die? Read this!"

"It's so good, it'll cure lymphoma!"

"Warning: May cause the supreme dislike of OSC and anything with those initials. (Including the Obtuse Scar Club)"

"!"

"Once you read this book, you'll be cured of Hippopotomenstrosesquippeddaliophobia!!! Oh wait, AHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"Goes great with fries and a coke."

"Now with less Jargon, Surprise, and calories!"

"Now with more fibery goodness."

"20% more vomiting!"

"Warning: May suddenly have cravings for fried rodents, plastic, light sockets and playdoh!"

"You've never read a book about a kid named ENDER before!'

"Buy now and save $50!"

"I'm out of jokes!"

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Reticulum
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Or...

"Orson Scott Card definitly doesn't not somewhat hate this book!"

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Javelin
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"I'm sure SOMEONE liked this one... maybe it'll be you!"
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Alchemist449
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"Big enough to kill bugs! A great secondary use to those of us who don't want to hire an exterminator!"
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Bob_Scopatz
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I look forward to the author's meteoric rise. In fact, I'll contribute heavily to any program that involves launching him into space. Preferably sans spaceship.

This book made me ponder the details of library science. Specifically, I'm hoping there are ways to encourage paper to rot prematurely.

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Occasional
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A book so bad that even vanity publishers wouldn't accept it. It really had to be self-published.
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Bob_Scopatz
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The excellent use of the word "widdershins" has me all higgledy-piggledy.
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Paul Goldner
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"What we've all been waiting for! Literary evidence that great books do not need end punctuation!"

" A real guilty pleasure. Reading this book drove me mad, and I had to kill somebody to scrub the words from my mind."

"Reading this book backwards is an incantation to the Devil. And it really works!"

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Bob_Scopatz
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Wrestles with all the big issues of our day, and loses.
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frogcat
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"For someone who's been teaching creative writing to teenagers for years, this book made me realize that my students weren't so bad after all."

... hmmm... what about reviewers who are bad writers? they'd never make it to a book jacket either...

"The purpose of this review is to review this book. This book is entitled Magic Street. "


"I liked this book because it was good"


"I didn't like this book just because."

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LadyDove
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"I prefer books shaped like animals."

"Reading between the lines, you'll notice that this book was written on recycled paper."

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GaalD
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I loved this book! Well, it was pretty good. OK, I guess. It could've been better to say the least. It was average...OK it was horrible.
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Bob_Scopatz
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Notice:
If your purchased this book without a cover,
you missed the best part.


(of course, if they didn't have the cover, they couldn't be reading that comment. It's sort of a paradox, if you think about it.)

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LadyDove
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Do it yourself literature. We supply the cover, you supply the rest.
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Orincoro
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Great Bathroom reading, with soft pages

I couldn't put this book down, fast enough

The book perfectly captured the confusion and angst of my teenage years

I laughed, I cried, I fired my agent

This book is easily recyclable, makes a great gift to blind friends, and the pages are numbered correctly

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Bob_Scopatz
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I am a firm believer in the rule that every book deserves to be read at least twice. Once by the author and once by a skllled editor (usually a long-suffering relative of the author). I also firmly believe that there are appropriate exceptions to every rule. This is one.
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advice for robots
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Who would have thought that the alphabet could be used in such an excruciating manner?

The author uses words as if he knew a lot of them!

The tension builds right to the very last page, at which point the drill bit bites through the back cover and you have a nice, neat hole!

The feel-good novel of the year! I feel so good knowing I didn't write that load of crap!

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D. James Larkin
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quote:
Originally posted by Orson Scott Card:
Gave me hives!

As fast-paced as diarrhea!

Just the right number of verbs!

The best writing ever produced by a grammar-checker!

That poor student... just put all 4 on it. Better to be honest with them now than have them try again.
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RunningBear
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Cures all phobias! nothing you have seen before can compare!


Excellent for persuading children to learn another language!

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Bob_Scopatz
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This novel has made of me a true believer in slavery and fascism as positive forces. At least, I'm now convinced by the very fact that this book was published that the free market has failed us utterly and it's time to enforce some discipline on the whole enterprise.
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Stone_Wolf_
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I laughed til I stopped!

Like a frontal lobotomy with a dust jacket!

Even the cliff notes were too long!

A book which strongly deserves to be abridged!

Voted #1 read by the Sadomasochist Society of America!

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toshiro
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Nearly tastes like chicken.

Will make your brain fart.

The Dialog was written well, especially so for the mime character.

A standard for all text books.

Larry Moe and Curly's cautionary tale about the plight of an Ostrich Farmer about to lose his farm at the hands of an industry giant who uses 'small folk' to produce amusements for children. The Farmer faces threats of aerial bombardment by the dangerous yet cute flying antler circus. L M and C run around and desperately try to catch the dirty bombs in pails before the Ostriches are pelted and utterly demorilized.

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Peek
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Peek Approved.
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Reticulum
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"Gerp de Berp de schmerbity urp!"
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Bob_Scopatz
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You should let this book age like a fine wine. Or vinegar.

This is a book best reserved for special occassions, such as Armageddon or when you find out that your accountant has been embezzling. It'll make those problems seem trivial in comparison.


An extremely powerful book -- I'd estimate 3.7 therms upon complete combustion.

Some have judged this novel suitable only as fish wrap. I think it prudent to qualify this by stating that it depends entirely on which kind of fish.

It is the thought that there might've been books like this in the collection that gives some small measure of solace as I mourn the loss of the library at Alexandria.

Remember when I warned you after this author's first book? Well, see! I told you not to encourage him.

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Bob_Scopatz
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The prose equivalent of a two-hour drum solo.
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Bob_Scopatz
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Not since Dante's Inferno have so many readers come so close to experiencing hell.

If you can only read 10,000 books this week, you might consider this one for your list.

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Bob_Scopatz
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The one advantage I can imagine from having finished this book is that I no longer have trouble pronouncing words like Mrpxp!vnckjvr. In fact, all words sound like Mrpxp!vnckjvr to me now.
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LadyDove
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A coffee table book, suitable for use as a coaster.
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Orson Scott Card
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(Scopatz, "inferno" and "drum solo" blow me away! I'm desperate to write the books to deserve those encomiums!)
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Bob_Scopatz
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Thanks!

As my mother would say "Stop that, you'll only encourage him."

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Bob_Scopatz
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I took it out of the library. They thanked me and bricked off the shelf.
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