Actually, I'm having an anxiety attack because he's supposed to be here helping me figure out this QFD matrix, and for some reason my brain has decided that means that he's cheating on me, and I think I need some seroquel.
posted
You over and under people are both wrong. The toilet paper goes on the counter next to the toilet.
Posts: 1658 | Registered: Sep 2003
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*hugs* Mostly I'm laid back because if I'm laid back, he has to be laid back too. I don't really want anyone demanding all that much of me, so I don't demand all that much of him.
I actually have this whole theory on relationships and how people should match up based on their desired level of laidbackness. I've been informed it's very boring.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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quote:Originally posted by blacwolve: *hugs* Mostly I'm laid back because if I'm laid back, he has to be laid back too. I don't really want anyone demanding all that much of me, so I don't demand all that much of him.
I actually have this whole theory on relationships and how people should match up based on their desired level of laidbackness. I've been informed it's very boring.
Yeah, unfortunately I have to be with someone much more laid back than I am. 'cause otherwise we'd just be this spastic ball of anxiety colliding with another spastic ball of anxiety and the universe would implode.
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I'm like you pH. I couldn't imagine being with something who gets as stressed and anxious and I do. My man is a good balance for me, always very chill. Course, as often as I get stressed out, my emotions can go the other way. I'm very easily excited (almost child-like in a way) and my man has told me he really likes that in me. I think we balance each other rather well. I light a fire under him when he gets too laid-back and he calms me down when I get crazy.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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My jaw dropped when I read this post by The Pixiest:
Originally posted by The Pixiest:
quote:I don't want men to be pigs, but there seems to be an element in male culture that wallows in piggishness. Yes, there are guys who seem to be immune to this...
I couldn't belive the venomous biotry coming from her. If I said something like that about say, African Americans, I'd be attacked by everyone for it and rightfully so. For example:
I don't want blacks to be criminals, but there seems to be an element in black culture that wallows in criminality. Yes, there are some who seem to be immune to this...
PLEASE NOTE I DO NOT AGREE WITH THAT STATEMENT OR CONDONE ANYONE THAT DOES.
Also, your excuse about emotions not being rational does not hold any water - if it did then every racist, bogot, intolerant person would be justified in their prejudices. I'm sorry if I come across as too harsh, but I hate bigotry in any form.
Posts: 175 | Registered: Jan 2005
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quote:But....(I find it hilarious when I say this and people just frown sympathetically and give me this knowing nod), he's an engineer.
As an engineer who's the son of an engineer and best friends with a half dozen engineers, I can unequivocally say that this is not true of all engineers. And I personally find excusing bad behavior because of someone's vocation distasteful. I hate tardiness, and inconsideration.
Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2005
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My long-ago boyfriend who was either extremely tardy OR just plain didn't show up when he said he would (waltzing in several hours later) was not an engineer, he was a musician. An egocentric, inconsiderate nincompoop. The engineers I knew and hung with in college in those years were sound engineers and by golly they had schedules to keep, and they kept them. So, you can't blame the trait on being engineers nor artist types. It's just a rude habit for the most part.
RRR -- On the counter! Where it'll get knocked off into the toilet or into the sink and make a huge, soggy, unpleasant mess! Are you nuts? *gasping in dismay*
As usual, Stormy, you're right. Definitely an odd sort of tribute to known and unknown OCDs . . . the unknown now being brought to light. *grin*
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Porter comes from a family of quintessential engineers. They are all really good about being on time.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Shanna: I'm like you pH. I couldn't imagine being with something who gets as stressed and anxious and I do. My man is a good balance for me, always very chill. Course, as often as I get stressed out, my emotions can go the other way. I'm very easily excited (almost child-like in a way) and my man has told me he really likes that in me. I think we balance each other rather well. I light a fire under him when he gets too laid-back and he calms me down when I get crazy.
Yes, exactly. And I get excited about things in a child-like way, too. *LOL*
Michael is just...he's a geek, and he's an engineer. In a mad scientist kind of way. He gets really really really really focused on what he's doing because he gets SO excited about it. But it's adorable.
My dad, who is always late, is an attorney.
Oh, and Michael has now said that he doesn't care who does what in the house; it's whatever I want to do. I think this is an unwise move on his part...
quote:Originally posted by beverly: Porter comes from a family of quintessential engineers. They are all really good about being on time.
I wonder if we're really quintessential engineers or just borderline Asbergers, or if I am repeating myself.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
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quote:Oh, and Michael has now said that he doesn't care who does what in the house; it's whatever I want to do. I think this is an unwise move on his part...
Well now, that depends. If he doesn't care that the house is so cluttered you can't walk anywhere, the sink is full of dirty dishes and everything is coated in slime, you might have a problem. Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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It's not that I don't try. It's not that I don't care. Honestly, I can start getting ready earlier, or get up early in the case of mornings, or do a number of things to prevent being late...
and then I will, more often than not, still be late.
As a perpetually late running person, I apologize.
As for toilet paper, RRR has it right. Nathan and I don't have a toilet paper holder, so we've got a basket full o' rolls instead.
At first, the seat up/seat down argument cropped up with us in the first few weeks. For me, it wasn't an issue of falling in (though I have fallen in before, thanks for leaving the seat up, Dad, when I was a small child) but an aesthetic one. It just looks icky with everything up. So we both close the lid.
We do get into issues with how much stuff we each have for space. Recently we re-organized the furniture in our room and ended up moving Nathan's bureau. Within moments, he was grumpy and I couldn't fathom why.
"I have less space."
"Less space for what?"
"My stuff."
"Well, I can clear out how many shelves you might need, no problem at all."
"And what would I do with those?!"
*blink* *long quiet pause*
Then he says, "Okay, okay. I wanted to keep the bigger corner for throwing my dirty laundry in a pile."
Truth can be a very strange thing.
Okay, so, I'm an artist. I have some strange way of "organizing" my stuff. This means that to anyone else, it looks disorganized. But generally, I know where stuff is (somehow, I keep this photographic mental map in my head). If it gets moved, I'm suddenly clueless and don't even know the general area of where to begin a search.
Last summer, this propensity of mine, coupled with Nathan's urge to "keep things organized" (his clutter tolerance level is lower than mine), caused a cross-state argument.
I was in Georgia (fencing summer nationals and hanging out with the Atlanta clump crew) and called him while I was at Olivet's house. Since he was living a bachelor's life for a week, I asked him what he'd been up to.
"Um, I'm reorganizing."
My heart rate begins to rise in panic. "Reorganizing what?"
"The apartment."
This is not, in of itself, a Bad Thing. I say, "Well, just... don't touch my stuff."
*long pause*
My eyes have now gotten wide. Those within close proximity of my end of the conversation are now desperately trying not to giggle (especially those who were married). I say, "You moved my stuff didn't you?"
Him. "Um... yeah."
>_<
I got home and none of my things were where I had them where I left. I couldn't find some of my things for weeks. I was Not Happy. Not exactly that he'd reorganized (which is thoughtful), but that he'd done it without me, so I had no idea where anything was anymore. Sort of like being in a stranger's house, opening a drawer expecting to find silverware, and instead hitting the junk drawer.
He was talking to his dad a day or two later and told him about the re-organization. His dad started to laugh and said to him, "Oh, you'll learn."
He also forgets that I am shorter and cannot reach as high. So he'll put stuff on top of the microwave (which is already on top of the fridge) and not have a clue as to why I'd have a problem with that. He's also played some good tricks on me. Once he opened a fridge-pack of sodas the wrong way (so that they wouldn't stop when you took one out, instead, they'd keep rolling). He happened to be in the kitchen when I grabbed a soda.
At least ten sodas rolling across the kitchen floor later, he's got tears in his eyes because he's laughing so hard.
Yeah, I was laughing too.
We do little things that annoy the crap out of the other person. Not on purpose, they're just one of those things. I seem to have an issue with clearing my plate after a meal. He tends to leave a trail of clothing whereever he goes, including shoes where I walk. I already trip for no reason, shoes just bring that tripping factor up. I leave my shoes out too, so I can't be mad at him. I just asked that he kick 'em to the side and he asked that I do the same.
He loses track of stuff easily while I can for some reason find his stuff within minutes. Honestly, he can search for something for fifteen minutes and then finally ask me where it is. I can then find said thing much faster. Last night, he couldn't find the benadryl cream. He honestly had no idea where to even start to look. I had a vague idea and found it in less than ten seconds.
But I can't complain about that because I once lost a spatula within ten seconds of taking it out of the drawer.
We found it some time later wrapped in a towel on the couch.
We still have no idea how it got there.
*shrug* So it's an adjustment, but not an impossible one by any means. People have made good points, especially about choosing your battles and compromise.
"Please kick your big honkin' shoes out of the way."
"Okay, but please clear your plate after you eat."
"Okay."
Does he always remember? No. Do I? Nope. But trying goes pretty far most times, because it shows you [i]do[/] care and you aren't just ignoring the other person's needs.
Divvying up the chores also helps, we've found. I hate cleaning the kitchen. Hate. The hatred stems from childhood instances of being dragged out of bed (Shan, I totally understand) in the middle of the night to be forced to wash the dishes you forgot to do (my mother tended bar till one or two in the morning some nights). Nathan detests cleaning the bathroom. Detests. So he cleans the kitchen, I clean the bathroom and most of the rest of the place because it gets me out of cleaning the kitchen.
It might also help to have a designated bug-killer. Nathan is the manly designated bug killer. He is especially the spider-killer because spiders scare the crap out of me. I once discovered two (large) spiders hanging out in the living room and kitchen (one for each room) right where the wall joins the ceiling. Nathan was 45 minutes away from being home and I waited, watching the spiders to see if they moved. He walks in the door saying "Hi!" and I reply with "Kill the spiders! Kill them!"
Or there was that incident where I was in the shower and there was a spider in there. O_O
He laughed at me and teased me, but did come and kill the spider after I yelped. More than once. I mean, come on, you're naked and totally defenseless in the shower. Especially when you are between the showerhead and the drain.
Then there are phones. Nathan is a "bolt-from-the-shower-to-answer-the-phone-person" while I am a "I-might-at-some-point-listen-to-the-message-and-return-the-call-person." Things like that usually have to be sorted out.
Bodily functions, as someone said, can be an issue. Nathan's really considerate about it and if he has to do something not-pretty-smelling, he'll ask if I need to use the bathroom first (because I have to pee, like, fifty times a day). He also did not hear me fart until we were married over a year. It also happened to be a fart while I was in the bathroom that was just air, but I swear to bob, it sounded like a gunshot. I jumped, totally freaked out, and Nathan, amidst a giggle fit, said, "That's my girl!"
Living with another person is strange and trying, but can be fun. Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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quote:Okay, so, I'm an artist. I have some strange way of "organizing" my stuff. This means that to anyone else, it looks disorganized. But generally, I know where stuff is (somehow, I keep this photographic mental map in my head). If it gets moved, I'm suddenly clueless and don't even know the general area of where to begin a search.
This is me. Except throw in panic attack and running amok through the house and possibly bursting into tears because where are my hair ties I can't find them how am I supposed to put my hair up?!!
Michael did reorganize the kitchen while I was recovering from the surgery of doom, but I was too stoned on painkillers to care, and he very, very carefully explained it to me after he did it. And he did it in a logical way that did not involve taking all the junk out of the front room and throwing it into my bedroom for me to sort through later like CERTAIN busybody friends of mine.
I have decreed that he must pay the Orkin man, for I cannot live with spiders and vermin, and he will not be at-hand to exterminate them in accordance with my whims.
Also, he said he would come to my new, ocd-specialist therapist with me to talk about the whole moving in thing...I'm not really sure exactly what to talk about through, since right now I mostly have vague and intense anxieties. I mean, what specifically can we talk about? She said she doesn't want him to "enable" me any more than necessary by participating in my rituals...but that might make the situation even more stressful if it starts happening RIGHT when he moves in.
It's not that I don't try. It's not that I don't care. Honestly, I can start getting ready earlier, or get up early in the case of mornings, or do a number of things to prevent being late...
and then I will, more often than not, still be late.
As a perpetually late running person, I apologize.
(BTW, "tautological" is just about my favorite word ever, so thanks for giving me a chance to use it!)
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I haven't dated many shorter guys, and it was a dreadful experience every time. I suspect my reluctance dates from those experiences.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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I haven't dated many shorter guys, and it was a dreadful experience every time. I suspect my reluctance dates from those experiences.
I dated mostly shorter guys until I came to college...I don't think they were any more emotionally insecure than the taller ones. But then I dated this basketball player who was 6'10", and all of a sudden I thought, "So THIS is what being dainty feels like!" And from then on I was a little bit spoiled. Not enough to make me discount a guy for his height, but...I mean, that guy could rest his chin on top of my head!
posted
My first and interestingly enough last missionary companion (they were the same young man) was 5'6" while I stand at about 6'5". Chinese people always said we made such a cute couple.
Tiffany barely makes it to my chin.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by pH: Michael is just...he's a geek, and he's an engineer. In a mad scientist kind of way. He gets really really really really focused on what he's doing because he gets SO excited about it. But it's adorable.
-pH
This sounds just like my boyfriend. And his name is Michael (Mike) too. That's just really weird.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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mack, there is some cosmic brain wavelength that we both belong to.
With Steve and I the main issue we've ever had is The Dishes. We both hated them growing up. We solved this by buying a Really Good Dishwasher, and we end up doing a lot of the loading or unloading together.
The biggest accommodation he's had to make is probably more of a sacrifice than anything I've done for him. It's with regards to spicy food and Fish. He's allowed to spice his own food but if he's cooking for both of us, the heat level of the spice has to be virtually non-existent or I can't eat it. I also get nauseous at the *smell* of cooking fish so he only cooks it rarely, normally when there is a 3rd person to cook for that likes fish. As he truly loves both spicy food *and* fish, I'm glad he loves me more and is willing to make accomodations.
Posts: 11265 | Registered: Mar 2002
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quote: Since I like macho but don't like insecure, I simply can't date shorter guys.
Ok, I know this is kat's quote on page three, but I think it is possible to find macho and secure, regardless of height contrasts.
If there weren't so many women who refuse to date shorter guys, the shorter guys wouldn't have any reason to be insecure about their height. Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Hmmm... Well there is the burning building test, which I think *may* (note the may) exist at a subconcsious level in many female minds.
"AJ's Burning Building Test" is:
Could he haul my unconscious body out of a burning building?
I do not see anything wrong with the male of the species asking a similar question of their female significant other. However the issue doesn't appear to occur in the male mind with the same frequency.
AJ
I suspect** with the male it tends to be a feeling of emotional insecurity, and with the female it has more to do with physical security
**all generalizations are sweeping and not intended to be taken personally by any individual
Posts: 11265 | Registered: Mar 2002
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I'm pretty sure I've never considered such a thing about any of the people I've dated, subconcsiously or not. The thought has never occurred to me.
Now that I AM thinking about it, however, I will point out that in that situation adrinline would probably make evaluation of that test under normal circumstances irrelevant.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I am 100% certain my hubby could carry me out of a burning building.... he would then promptly forget where he put me.
Posts: 7085 | Registered: Apr 2001
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I agree about the adreanaline making the actual happening a moot point, but the hypothetical obviously doesn't consider that logic.
Eljay, you are also an extremely self-confident woman, and don't necessarily look at a male companion as an inherently protective figure either. However I'd say overall our culture does still retain the "protective figure" stereotype pretty strongly.
(protective in this case means "protective from external danger sources)
Posts: 11265 | Registered: Mar 2002
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I dunno AJ, I just don't see it. . . from conversations with friends, I think I know more men who think being able to be a protective figure towards their girlfriends/spouses is important to themselves than women who think it is important in their men.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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"Haul" is such a vague term. Dragging something is hauling, isn't it?
Granted, she might not appreciate the stairs (***thump!*** Ow! ***thump!*** Ow! ***thump!*** Ow!), but at least she's not on fire!
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
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quote:Originally posted by The Pixiest: I am 100% certain my hubby could carry me out of a burning building.... he would then promptly forget where he put me.
posted
I think it would depend on the building. But in any case, I know my man is up to the task. I have also seen him jump into danger, even if it is minimal or momentary, in order to get our children out of it. This is something I like in a husband and father.
His father died saving his brother and sister, incidentally (my husband was in the other boat, and was the most seriously injured of the three kids-- punctured lung and wasn't breathing when they found him, face-down in the water.) Which is not something I wish on anyone, but I think it may be part of the reason he never hesitates to take the brunt of any physical injury instead of his children-- he had that example to live up to.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
ElJay see all my disclaimers above. I'm making sweeping generalizations so if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it, and feel free to counter example as much as you want. I'm not going to defend it to the bitter end... it isn't worth it for a sweeping generalization. AJ
Posts: 11265 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
Something that Jamie didn't mention, but should be, at least from my perspective:
Jamie loves to have space, I don't. I feel loved and show love by getting and giving attention. Jamie shows love by loyalty, and doing things for me. This has driven me insane at points. Recently, I've been unemployed, so Jamie and I were home with each other for a month. So while she was writing/chatting on IM, I would do this and that, and eventually get bored and come over and cuddle, and kiss her, and say I love you, and over all paying attention but not really doing anything.
She gets frustrated because it distracts her from working on her writing, gets her out of that zone, or train of thought. So I had to really focus on giving her space. For example, I offered to go to a movie even though I really didn't care for any of the movies out, just so she could have 3 hours to herself without me around. And in return, she cuddled with me while we watched a movie (I love cuddling, ok?!).
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
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posted
I saw your disclaimers above. Obviously, neither of us has access to any sort of numbers one way or the other. I'm just letting you know that I don't think it's just me being an unusually confident woman, that your sweeping generalization doesn't work for the majority of people I feel I know well. Different people's experiences are different, and I think it's valuable to know when mine doesn't jibe well with others, and thought you would appreciate the same.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I do expect that protective thing from my boyfriend. I think he finds it annoying more than anything, though. Luckily, he's willing to put up with it.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Shan: he was a musician.
Well, THERE'S your problem.
-pH
Haha. Trying dating a guitar-playing chef-in-training who was a philosophy major in school. My baby is also sorts of crazy but I love him for it! I tell people he's going to be a chef and I get sad smiles and pats on the back...its hysterical.
On the protective thing...my boyfriend does it and it always makes me laugh. Just a week ago he carried me on his back out of the French Quarter because my shoes were killing me and I was threatening to walk barefoot (not a good idea!) And he's a very slender guy! He's very protective of me, especially with other guys. I always remind him I'm a capable woman who managed quite well before him, but he still worries. I don't doubt that he couldn't carry me out of a burning buildings, even with several flights of stairs.
I really relate to what T_Smith said. My boyfriend and I lived together for a few weeks while I was in summer school. We had our computers set up in the same room and I went crazy always wanting to kiss him or hug him whenever I walked by. Eventually I learned to accept our different tolerances in "me time." That and I realized that if I gave him space, he'd come to me for attention which was nice.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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Hah! I'll see your penny and raise you a dollar.
I left the musician in San Francisco, only to marry a biker chef.
He wasn't any more timely.
I did date a law enforcement type for a while, and he was always either early, or on the phone to let me know he would be late, most usually before he became late. However, his work entailed lots and lots and lots of long hours, so even with the courtesy calls, I just couldn't hack the sit around and wait game.
Guess I'm hard to please . . . oh wait! That's right -- I'm easy to please. Just do it my way. That's a joke, folks . . . mostly. Posts: 5609 | Registered: Jan 2003
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My roommate just put on the new toilet roll unrolling from the bottom. I'm forbearing from changing it, but it's driving me crazy. But, I know now why it drives me crazy. I have to touch the roll every time I want to tear off paper. I tear off paper several times in any one bathroom adventure. It just feels really gross to be touching the paper that someone is going to use in order to tear it off.
Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2002
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quote: Tardiness on a regular basis accompanied by not calling to say "Sorry, I'm late or can't make it," ________________________________________ Michael unfortunately does that a lot. He's somewhat getting better. He's trying, anyway.
sounds just like my boyfriend also called Michael. pH, blacwolve, seems this Michael chap gets around a bit eh?
As to the toilet, I could not remember whether Michael leaves the seat up or not and had to ask. He said he usually puts it down when he remembers. Clearly not a deal breaker...
I also cannot remember whether I prefer the toilet paper a different way. I can't even remember which way it usually is. *checks* The hanging down bit is closest to the wall.
Incidentally, I like tall boys. I am kinda average height (5'7-8ish) but I like to feel tall, and I like boys to be taller. It's just right. Also I agree with the burning building or similar test. Probably subconscious but still there I think.
pH do you think you're asking too much of your boyfriend? He sounds like an angel but try not to expect him to be superman
Edit: oh yah, the main thing I had to do to adjust when moving in together was remember to relax. And not expect him to jump up and start helping me clean the house right away if I start cleaning when he's playing computer games.
Things like grocery shopping, cleaning, dishes, making bed, etc we do together or take turns. I do more cooking but I don't mind cos I like to + whoever cooks usually does not have to help with dishes. I prefer to cook than wash up.
He mows the lawns (although I wouldn't mind to but he likes to do it) and I do the laundry as we agreed that's for the best (I like the laundry sorted so they don't go fluffy etc etc also I remember to do it regularly which he probably would not. I do not like the thing I want to wear being in the laundry basket! Incidentally he used to throw all his clothes in a heap on the floor in his bedroom at his old place before we lived together; when we were shopping for items for the place we moved into he saw a laundry hamper he really liked & so we bought it - he now puts the laundry in it and not on floor.)
We've had some fights & sorted it out mostly but you do need to communicate & compromise. Damn what's that other C? I used to know but have forgotten apparently some time ago
I am not going to write Michael's suggestions for what the other C might be ...
quote:pH do you think you're asking too much of your boyfriend? He sounds like an angel but try not to expect him to be superman
Hah! We had this long conversation last night where we discovered that apparently, we are each convinced the other is far too good for us. I do ask a lot, but that's kind of par for the course for being in an Actual Relationship(tm) with me. I ask a lot of myself, as well.
quote:On the protective thing...my boyfriend does it and it always makes me laugh. Just a week ago he carried me on his back out of the French Quarter because my shoes were killing me and I was threatening to walk barefoot (not a good idea!)
Is your boyfriend's name Brent, and does he often dress like a pirate and strikingly resemble Johnny Depp? I met a bunch of guys dressed like pirates in the 1/4 a couple years ago, and they carried me around when my shoes started hurting my feet, too!
I enjoy the protective thing...as long as it's protective and not possessive. I think a lot of people confuse the two.
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