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The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new West Virginia quarters. "We are recalling all of the new West Virginia quarters that were recently issued," the Treasury Undersecretary said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." "We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said the Undersecretary. The winning design for the West Virginia quarter was submitted by a WVU Mountaineer. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices
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The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possible squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray..
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An engineer dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter takes a look at the book of life and says "I'm sorry there must be some mistake. You don't belong in Heaven." Disappointed, the engineer goes to hell. While there he implements a cost-effective air-conditioning system and other changes that make hell a pretty swell place to be.
So God calls Lucifer up one day.
"How're things doing in hell?" He asks.
"Well," said Lucifer, "Ever since we got that engineer, thing's have been really great. I bet it's even nicer than heaven."
"Oh, no, there must be some mistake," said God. "That engineer belongs in Heaven."
"I don't really feel like giving him up," said Lucifer.
"Well have it your way. I'll just sue."
Lucifer gives a small chuckle. "And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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A group of immoral people die in a car crash and are greeted by one of Satan's minions.
"Welcome to hell," he sneered. "Let me take you on the grand tour."
They pass the first room, which is stocked with an endless supply of racks, Iron Maidens, and other implements of torture.
"This is where we keep liars," the minion said with a smile.
They pass the second room containing cages hanging from the celing over huge white-hot flames.
"This is where we keep the adulturers," said the minion, positively giggling.
Then they pass a high brick wall, spanning for what seemed like miles.
"Oh," said the minion, his face somber. "You don't even want to know what's behind there. It's horrible. That's where we keep the Mormons."
While the tour group pondered over what horrendous torture lay behind that wall, one noticed that there was a loose brick, and upon prying it loose, saw a beautiful lush grassland on the other side of the wall, with people froliking and laughing joyously.
When he pointed this out to the minion, he scowled. "Those darned Mormons have been irrigating again!"
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Three guys are in a bar, all pretty wasted. The third guy gets up and opens the window, and jumps out- but he doesn't fall, he does some flips in the air and jumps back into the room.
The first guy looks at his glass, and back at the third guy, and back at his glass. "Man, I don't even want to tell you what I thought I just saw."
The third guy goes, "What, this?" and he does it again.
1st guy: "Dude, that's impossible."
3rd guy: "No, there's a current of air that hits right here at this bar window and mixes with the air coming out of the bar to keep you in the air. Anyone can do it."
1st guy: "Are you serious?"
3rd guy: "Yeah, try it."
The first guy walks over to the window, hesitates, then jumps out. He falls to the ground and breaks his legs.
2nd guy: "You're so mean when you're drunk, Superman."
Posts: 66 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Warning: The following joke(s) may be considered offensive to some. By reading, you agree not to sue.
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A girl is sleeping in Sunday school. The teacher notices this, and asks her "Suzy, to whom does worship belong?"
Before the teacher finishes her sentence, though, a boy pokes Suzy with his pencil from behind. "God Almighty!" screams Suzy in pain and surprise.
"Very good," replies the teacher and she proceeds with her lesson. Not more than ten minutes later, however, she notices that Suzy is asleep again and so she tries her earlier strategy once more. "Suzy, who is our savior?"
The boy pokes Suzy.
"Jesus Christ!" she exclaims.
"Very good," says the teacher, and she goes on with her lesson. But, to her dismay, Suzy falls asleep again.
"Suzy," she says, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?"
The boy pokes her with the pencil once more.
Suzy turns around to the kid and says "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear to God I'll break it in two!"
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A man buys a goldfish, but hes doesn't know how to look after it. So he calls a friends to show him. After the friend showed him how to feed the fish, the man asks: and what does it drink?
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2 men walk on teh beach. Suddenly, one exclaims: look a dead sea gull! The second man looks up and says: where? Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2003
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person . . . because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large . . . all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
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Do you realize that in Minnesotta in the 1890's, you could not hang a man with a wooden leg.
You had to use a rope.
.
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Child One, "What has one horn and gives milk?" Child Two, "I don't know." Child One, "A milk truck." pause Child Two, "What's a milk truck?" Child One, "I hoped you'd know. My grandpa keeps telling this stupid joke and expects me to laugh."
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Three people die and go to heaven. They walk up to the entrance, but St. Peter stops them.
"I'm sorry, guys. We're a little crowded up here, and can only fit about one more. So I'll let whoever can give me the most interesting story entrance."
So one of the guys says "Okay, mine was pretty weird. I had just got mugged and was stripped from head to toe. I was climbing these balconies trying to get to my apartment window, as I had lost the key to the door. Then half-way up on somebody's balcony, this crazy loon pushes me off. I'm hurt, but I can still move. But then this guy throws a refrigerator at me, and here I am."
Another the guy says "I can top that. I got home from work," he began, "and I saw this guy dancing naked on my balcony. I assumed my wife had been having an affair, and I had had a hard day, so I shoved him off. He wasn't quite dead yet, though, so I threw my refrigerator at him. Unfortunately, the cord wrapped around my ankle and I came down with the refrigerator, and her I am."
So the third guy says "I think I could top that. I was having an affair with this guys wife. He was coming home, though, so I hid in the refrigerator and..."
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A man finds a genie, and the genie grants him three wishes, but whatever he wishes for every lawyer get double. So the man wishes for 5 million dollars. The genie says "Every lawyer gets 10 million dollars". So the man says "I wish for a a sports car" so every lawer get 2 sports cars. So the man gets sick of this and says "I'd like to give a kidney".
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This guy signs up for a class called "relativity", but doesn't know what it is. So he goes to his teacher and asks him what it is. The teacher says: teacher:"Well, do you have a lawnmower?" man:"Yes" teacher:"If you have a lawnmower, I take it you have a lawn" man:"Yes" teacher:"If you have a lawn, you must have a large house" man:"Yes" teacher:"And if you have a large house, you must have a wife" man:"Yes" teacher" "That's relativity" man:"Ok, I got it"
So the man walks out to the hall, and another man goes up to him and asks what relativity is. So the man who just asked the teacher says: man 1: "Do you have a lawnmower?" man 2: "No" man 1: "I'm sorry. I'm sure you'll find your special someone someday."
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What do you call an Amish with his hand up a donkey's butt?
A mechanic.
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
Posts: 2292 | Registered: Aug 2003
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Da_Goat, I heard a little different version of one of those jokes. I don't think it's insulting, but don't anyone get offended.
This guy signs of for a logic class but doesn't know what it is. He asks his teacher about it, the teacher says: T: do you have a weedwhacker? guy: yes T: assuming you have a weedwhacker, it's logical to assume you have a lawn, right? G: yeah, I do. T: assuming you have a lawn, I'd assume you have a house, right? G: yeah, that's right. T: okay, and assuming you have a house, I'd assume you have a wife. G: you're right so far. T: and if you had a wife I'd use logic to assume that you're heterosexual, right? G: yeah. T: Well, that's logic.
Enlightened, the guy runs into a friend of his who happens to have signed up for the same logic class, and he doesn't know what's going to be taught in it.
Guy: I'll give you an example. Do you have a weedwhacker? Friend: Well, actually, I don't Guy: Dude, I didn't know you were gay!
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What is small, green, and goes up and down? . . . . a green pea in a lift! ...well, I DID say lame jokes too... Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2003
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The owner of a forest wants to hire a lumberjack. He puts an ad in a local paper and waits. A big guy comes and "chop chop chop" brings down a tree. A medium built guy comes and "chop chop chop chop" brings down a tree. A third guy comes along. He is very small and skinny. The boss thinks: there is no way this one can bring down a single tree. But then, "chop!", in one swift movement of the wrist, the little guy brings down a huge tree. "Brilliant!" says the boss. Where did you work before? - I come from Sahara -? But there are no trees in Sahara - Ecxuse me, there are no trees ANYMORE.
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A woman is on the motorway, pushing a flashy sport car. A man stops by and ask if she needs help. -No, says the woman, I just bought it, and the sellsman told me not to go over 50 mp/h, but that once a week, I could push it a bit on the motorway.
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A rookie cop was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on one corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Ok, folks, let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time: A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
care of Reader's Digest
Posts: 4089 | Registered: Apr 2003
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One morning in London, a busdriver opens his bus doors. He sees a man with three heads, no arms, and one leg waiting to board. "'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! You look 'armless enough. 'Op in."
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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This isn't really a joke, but an excerpt from life that amuses me greatly.
My mom at seven years old: Mom, where did I come from? My Grandma: You grew in a cabbage patch. My mom's sister, age four: Did I grow in a cabbage patch, too? Grandma: No, you're where the rooster doo'd on the fence and the sun hatched it out.
No punch line, I just like it. Ah, what a loving family I come from.
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My husbands name is Rich. We dated for 4 years before we married. My family mantains that this is evidence that get Rich quick schemes don't work.
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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the sinning that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not,"
God thought for a moment and said, "maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."
God was not pleased.
While he was debating what to do about the 95%, He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them -- give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said? . . . . . No?
Huh. I didn't get one either.
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Two women were walking through the forest when they heard a voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog: "Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!" The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker!" The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Before sending her son off for his first day at school, Rachel Cohen hugged him and said: "Good luck, my bubbeleh (darling). Be good, bubbeleh, and work hard. "And remember, bubbeleh, at lunch time eat all of your food and play nicely with the other children. Oh, bubbeleh, I'm so proud!"
That afternoon, when little Cohen returned home, his mother cried, "Bubbeleh, my bubbeleh, give your mother a hug! So, tell me, what did you learn at school today?"
"Well," said the boy, "to start with, I learned that my name is Sammy."
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More music jokes, for Polemarch (I got all the other ones!)
How do you tell the stage is level? Drool is coming out of BOTH sides of the percussionists' mouths.
What's the difference between a coffin and a cello? The coffin has a dead person on the inside.
How do you know you have a herd of violists at your door? They don't know when to come in, and they can't find the key.
While out driving, you see a conductor and a trumpet player walking down the middle of the road. Who do you hit first? The conductor. Business before pleasure.
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