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Found these on a website with a bunch of Irish jokes:
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang? I doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how mush it wants to.
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
and last but not least: An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.
When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!"
"Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!"
"Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"
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2 men hunt in the forest. One gets bitten by a snake and collapses. The second grabs his mobile and calls the emergency services: -Help, my friend just collapsed and I think he is dead! -Ok, don't worry. I'll take you trough the procedure. First, can you make sure he's dead, please. -"BANG"......ok, what next?
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~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
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*wonders if Dan is laughing at the A&C or the voices in her head*
I liked the pilot ones, especially
quote: ~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
Two cowboys, Tex and Steve, are riding the range when a rattler causes Tex's horse to throw him. Before he can recover, the snake moves in and *strikes!*--right in Tex's crotch!! Youch!
Steve quickly kills the snake. While he's doing that and tending to Tex, both horses bolt and gallop away.
Both cowboys are young and neither knows what to do. Tex says "Run and get the Doc, or I'm a goner for sure!!", so Steve makes Tex as comfortable as he can then sprints into town. It's after lunch, and Steve figures the sawbones will be at the ginmill getting drunk. Sure enough, he finds the doc at the bar alone slamming back whiskey. "Doc! Come quick! Tex's been bit by a rattler and I don't know what to do! You got to save him!" But the Doc is already totally wasted and refuses to leave the bar. "Here's what you do: *hic* Cut around the bite with your knife, make it bleed, then suck out all the poison and spit it out! Run, boy, Tex doesn't have much time!"
Steve runs as fast as he can back to Tex. When he gets back he's too winded too talk. "Where's the doc?!?! What'd he say?!" says Tex frantically. Steve looks at the bite then says:"*pants* Doc says *pants* you're a goner! Nice knowin' ya, Tex!"
A hunter comes across a beautiful nekkid woman in the woods, who immediatly begins making eyes at the grizzled hunter. "Are you game?" he asks her. "Of course!" she purrs. So he shot her.
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Rivka, I forgot to say that I thought that A&C routine was hyterical. Is it original?
" Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds." This reminded me of the Air Force's findings about the crash of the Air Force 747 with Clinton Cabinet member Ron Brown aboard, I think in Bosnia abot 6 years ago Cause of crash: controlled flight into terrain. Not too funny, just a bizarre phrase.
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Nah, it's not mine. I just cleaned up the typos, edited it a bit, and added the italics for clarity.
It came from an email list I'm on of Jewish jokes. I saved that one. Let's see, it credits a Rabbi Jack Moline, but I've seen similar routines credited to other people. It evolves. I seem to recall a song from when I was a kid that had some of those lines in it. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Some dairy farmers want to make more money. They hire a sociologist, an engineer, and a physicist. The sociologist finishes first. He comes up with a report on the milk drinking patterns of people. He recomends what markets they should go into and so forth.
The engineer, finishes next. He has a report on how they can improve their machinery. They do it, and start getting tons more milk.
A while later, the physicist comes in. He comes up to them says "I'm finally done. The equations were more difficult than I thought, but I think I have made a real breakthrough." The farmers were really excited now- it really looked like they were going to get their money's worth.
The physicist pulls out an envelope (used) with some scribblings on the back of it. "Well," he starts off, "assuming a spherical cow..."
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2 men are walking on either side of a river. The first one calls the other one: -hey, how did you get to the other side? -you ARE on the other side!
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I have nothing against blondes, it's just easier to call them blonde jokes than not-so-smart people jokes. Please take no offense:
A blonde was eating a bowl of Cheerios and said, "Look Daddy! Donut seeds!"
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. They get almost there when they see a sign that says "Disneyland Left" so they turn around and go home.
How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the swimming pool.
Three blondes were driving down the road when they pass a YMCA. One turns to the others and says, "Look, someone spelled MACY'S wrong!"
A blonde when into the barber shop to get a hair cut, and she was wearing headphones. The barber cuts as much of her hair as he can, then asks her to take off the headphones. When she doesn't respond he takes them off for her. As he finishes up her haircut she turns red, then purple, then blue, and then she dies. He puts the headphones on out of curiosity and a voice is saying, "Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out... "
I know I know more but I can't think of any right now.
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I can't resist. I'm gonna tell my favorite blonde joke, even though it's visual.
Why do blondes wear huge shoulder pads?
(head all the way to the right) I (head all the way to the left) don't (head all the way to the right) know.
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I don't get it. But maybe that's because I have a really bad crick in my neck and I can't turn my head all the way in either direction.
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Rabbit, your joke reminded me of the following:
A youg girl tells her dad that she is pregnant. He asks: -does the father work? -I'm not sure, dad. -how old is he? -I'm not sure, dad. -where does he live? -I'm not sure, dad. -Are you sure the baby is yours?
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-Doctor, I am in a terrible state: my husband left me, my mother won't speak to me, I've no friends and my gold fish just died. I want to kill myself. Only, I don't know how to shoot myself in the heart, because I don't know where the heart is. Can you help?
-It's easy: your heart is under your left breast.
......The following morning, the doctor learns that his customer shot herself in the knee. Posts: 34 | Registered: Oct 2003
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Husband: Doctor Doctor, my wife thinks she's a chicken.
Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Husband: well, about 3 years now.
Doctor: 3 Years? Why didn't you come to me sooner.
Husband: Well gee, I would have, but we really needed the eggs.
.
Patient: Doctor Doctor, the aliens tried to get me last night.
Doctor: Really? What happened?
Patient: I woke up standing in front of this large alien. It was humming strangely at me. I reached to shake its proffered arm when suddenly it opened up this giant mouth. Inside, all I could see was this bright light and feel its cold foul smelling breath.
Doctor: You've been talking to the refrigerator again, haven't you.
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A young man entered the company's Human Resources Department and handed the executive his application. After reviewing the papers the executive noticed that the applicant had been fired from every job he had ever had.
"Young man," the executive said, "I've looked over your work history and it is terrible. You have been fired from every job!"
"Yes," replied the applicant.
"There really isn't anything very positive in that," said the executive.
"Well, at least I'm not a quitter!" the young man replied.
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An engineering student was walking home from school one day when a frog on the road spoke out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." The engineering student picked up the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his pocket.
A couple minutes later, the frog spoke again and said "If you kiss me and turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a day." The engineering student takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and returns it to his pocket.
A few minutes after that, the frog speaks to the student and says "If you turn me into a princess, I'll stay with you for a day and do whatever you want!" Yet again, the engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and puts it back in his pocket.
The frog speaks up and says "Look, I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a day, and I'll do whatever you want." The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket and says "Look, I'm an engineering student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem, why haven't you multiplied?" says Noah. The snakes reply, "Cut down some trees and make a table for us to live on", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
The snakes reply "We're Adders and even Adders can multiply on a log table."
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Rabbit, I told your Adder joke to my dad (a mathematical physicist with a wacky sense of humor). He groaned. This is highest praise, of course! Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Adam is created in the Paradise, but he is alone and really bored. So, God comes and tells him: -if you give me your left arm, leg, shoulder and ear, I can make for you a companion who is smart, funny and good looking. Adam broods on it a bit and then asks: -And what do I get for a rib?
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Hmmm Rabbit, that's not the version I heard.
Noah let's all the animals go after the flood waters have dimineshed. He goes around to each creature and makes sure it's doing OK. When he gets to the snakes he finds that there is still only two of them. Worried, he begs them to begin a family, or the entire population of snakes will be wiped from the Earth. The snakes agree, but ask that he cut down trees before he goes. Confused, but glad that they finally see it his way, Noah chops down several surronding trees. He return a few months later to find snakes all over the place. He is of course delighted, and goes to seek out the two orignal snakes. "This is great" he says, "but I'm curious, why did you want me to cut down the trees?". "Well", reply the snakes, "We're adders, we need logs to multiply".
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What can you seat on , lay on and brush your teeth with? . . . . . . A chair, a bed and a tooth brush.
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A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow."
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Boss: So, where have you been for the past five years? applicant: In Yale. Boss: That's great! You're hired! By the way, what's your name? applicant: Yim Yones.
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I have not gossiped, or lost my temper. I have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing on my credit card.
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need Your help then.
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The Pope, a very famous business man, a very famous politician and a little boy are in a plane. Suddenly, the plane breaks down. There are onnly 4 paracuhtes. The pilote takes one and jumps. The business man says: I run the biggest company of this country, thousands of people need me, they can't do well without me: I need to live. ...he takes a parachute and jumps.
The politician says: I am the cleverest man in this country. Without me, the nation will loose all significance on the world stage, my people need me alive. He jumps.
The Pope says to the little boy: I am an old man. I have faith in my creator. If He says that my time is ripe, so be it. You can have the last parachute.
The boy answers: That's ok! There are still 2 left: the cleverest man in this country jumped with my rucksack.
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Peter arrives in the paradise and meets with God. All around God, there are cloks. Peter asks about them. God says: -for every person on earth, I have a clock. The clock moves forward everytime its allocated person says something stupid.
Peter asks: -and where is (here you put the name of someone you really hate)'s clock?
God blushes and says: -I've put it on my desk: I use it as a fan.
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After the II world war, the GIs caught a very important german general. He knows the name of all the generals most involved in horrible stuff during the war, but he won't tell them. The GIs try every torture they know of, they try to isolate him, to frighten him, everything. But he still won't tell. Then comes a little jewish guy, a civilian. He says: -leave him with me, he'll tell. The GIs look at this little guy and laugh: he is no taller than a child, skinny and not impressive at all. But because they already try everything without success, they agree. 2 days later, the little jewish guy comes back with the full confession of the german general and a list of his colleagues. Very impressed, the GIs ask him how he did it. He says: -simple: I just sat beside him and said all day: tell me, tell me, tell me...
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An Italian division is preparing to ride into battle in WWII. A German liason officer is advising the the Italian general in charge. "You should wear that red jacket from your dress uniform, Herr general. Then if you get shot the men cannot see the blood and won't lose heart because of a wounded leader," the German tells the general. The general thinks a moment, then says, "Si! Good idea. Orderly! Bring me my red jacket. And some brown pants, too!"
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Tom goes away for a few days. He leaves his cat with a friend. On the first evening, he calls his friend and ask how the cat is doing. -Not good, replies the friend, I'm afraid it's dead. Tom is very shocked and blame his friend for his lack of tact. He says: -You should have prepared me for the bad news instead of saying it blankly like that! For exemle, you could have said that it had climbed up the roof and wouldn't come down, and then tell me that it looked a bit off colour, and then tell me that it was dead. -ok, got it, sorry. -oh, weel, never mind. And how's my nan? -well...she climbed up the roof and wouldn't come down.
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Let's see, it credits a Rabbi Jack Moline, but I've seen similar routines credited to other people. It evolves. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
I seem to recall a song from when I was a kid that had some of those lines in it. ![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
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