posted
A poplular Television evangelist was holding his typical healing session during his sunday sermon. He called two men up to be healed.
Preacher- Turning to the first man, "what is your name and what seems to be bothering you today?"
1st man - "well my name is Jim and I have had to walk with crutches my entire life"
Preacher - "well go and stand behind the curtain and wait for the healing power of the lord"
turning to the second man - "what is your name and what seems to be bothering you?"
2nd man - (need to immitate voice)"my name is Bill and I have a speach impedimate due to a hair lip"
Preacher - "go wait with jim behind the curtain and we will heal you today with the power of the lord"
The preacher turns to the crowd, "today we will heal these two men with the power of our faith. Now Jim I want you to cast aside your crutches, and Bill speak to us all"
There was a slight pause and then Bill spoke (again you must immitate hair lip) - "Jim fell down"
THis is perhaps the funniest joke I've ever heard but you really have to sell the voice.
Posts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
Norm MacDonald was on Conan last night. He told a relatively amusing joke. My paraphrasing won't be as good as his delivery, but we'll see how it goes:
Norm's hungry, so he decides to go out and get something to eat. He goes in and orders a Polish sausage. The guy says, "Are you Polish?"
Norm says, "Why would you think I'm Polish? Just because I order a Polish sausage? If someone came in here and ordered french fries, would you think he was French? If someone ordered a belgian waffle, would you think he was Belgian? What if someone ordered a hamburger? Would you automatically assume that he was from Hamburg, Germany? All I did was order a Polish sausage. What on earth makes you think I'm Polish?"
The man replies, "Well, first off, this is a hardware store."
posted
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, with an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the first say.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
haha, pretty funny Rivka. I love genie and 3 three wish jokes
A rich objectivist laissez-faire economist and his trophy wife were cruising to Costco for pate and brie in their Lexus SUV. The wife noticed a scraggly man and two small boys eating weeds and grass on the side of the road. "Look, honey, what the hell is that hobo doing?" They pull over and get out to talk to them. "What the hell are you guys doing!" asked the economist "We are just dirt-poor and I have no money for food since the plant done shut down, so we are reduced to eating grass and weeds so's we won't starve," said the poor man. "Well, come on and pile into my truck, and I'll take you back to my house where you can all eat as much as you like." "And my young'uns, you'll feed them too? I have 6 more kids. . ." "Sure, the more the merrier!" They go to the poor man's shack, then all the children jump into the SUV and they all zoom back to the economist's estate. "Sir, I can't thank you enough for feeding me and my kids. . ." says the poor man tearfully. "Think nothing of it! You just eat all the grass you want, if you finish the front yard there's plenty more in the back that needs trimming."
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The zoo was worried. The old elephant was acting strange. They discovered he was suffering from an infection of his Ivory. They quickly called the worlds most famous Elephant Dentist, Doctor Dan.
"Doctor Dan, what do we do." "You need to pull the tusk off the elephant." "How" "Just grab it an give it a big yank."
THe zoo staff went to the aching elephant, grabbed the tusk and pulled. It did not budge. They called Doctor Dan again.
"We can't get the tusk out. What do we do." "Ship the Elephant to my Alabama office. I'll get it loose. The fee is only $100,000." "That's a lot of money." "I'll make you a deal. If I can't get the Tusk free in one pull, there is no charge." "Done!"
The zoo packed the elephant (Its trunk was already set to go) and flew him down to Alabama. As soon as they landed, Dr. Dan met them, walked up to the suffering elephant, grabbed the tusk, and with a gentle pull, popped it out.
"Wow!" said the zoo people. "How did you do that."
"Its elementary. The tusks were in tight in the zoo, but everyone knows that the Tuscaloosa in Alabama."
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Back 10 centuries ago, just before the crusade was launched, the Pope decided that all the Muslims had to leave Jerusalem. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Muslim community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Muslim community. If the Muslim won the debate, all the Muslims could stay. If the Pope won, all the Muslims would have to leave. The Muslims realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. But they finally picked their representative, an old Mullah who unknowingly agreed without knowing what he was getting himself into. He agreed only on the condition that neither side be allowed to talk but communicate by miming. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. The Mullah and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mullah stared back and raised his middle finger and smiled.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Mullah Nasruddin pointed to the ground and stamped his foot.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Mullah pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Muslims can stay."
An hour later, the cardials were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and stamping his feet, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple, reminding me of the first sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Muslim community had crowded around the old Mullah in total astonishmen. "What happened?" they asked. "Well,"said the Mullah, "First he said to me that we Muslims had three days to leave Jerusalem. I told him up yours. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Muslims. I said none of us leaving this land!"
"And then?' asked a woman."
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine," said the Mullah.
Posts: 332 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water. She is standing on the shore, not wanting to get her feet wet. All of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere, and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading.
The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, how could You? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that You would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!" A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson.. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
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posted
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."
"Who?"
"Moishe Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Moishe."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our fett would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was 'just up ahead.'
One year I snapped. 'Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight.'
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posted
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I love genie and 3 three wish jokes![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
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