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Raia - It's parody, sweetie. It's not intended to be taken seriously by anyone.
Derell - It's about TIME someone stalked me 4 rills. I was beginning to think I was completely unstalkable material.
Posts: 7600 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
You, unstalkable? Perish the thought. By the way, is there someone in your life who might object to you being stalked? You know, a boyfriend, husband, significant other.
In FOTR, if you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.
13. Did someone say plot hole?
Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.
14. The Battle Droid Syndrome.
The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective fighters, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.
posted
Umm, I think that guy just has a little too much free time on his hands. I mean, it is a fantisy movie. There is a little area for the supernatural in a movie about magic.
Posts: 262 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Holy crap. Hatrack has been infected by the serious. I think it needs a strong dose of the funny.
Posts: 4753 | Registered: May 2002
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you folks that didn't get the intentional absurdity... you should be ashamed of yourselves!
tres-funny, ralphie. thanks for linking. (btw, i typed "ralphia" first, and corrected it. What do you think, ralphia?)
Posts: 1892 | Registered: Mar 2002
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Sure, that was pretty funny. 50 Reasons to Reject The Matrix, however, is hysterical.
quote: 19. The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4
You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. She issues no demands, no warnings, no "freeze" or "drop your gun." She just tears you in half with a spray of machine-gun fire, then does cartwheels along the walls while killing all your friends.
Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering.
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Ralphie, I can't believe you put a link to something so defamatory of LOTR on Hatrack! Don't you know we're all fans here? So what if the movies have been made into books? Actually, I seriously suggest you read those, it might help you understand the movies after all! Gah!
Posts: 1045 | Registered: Jul 2002
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Well, it is not even parody. It is in no way, shape, or form funny. It is downright stupid. The amount of times it is self contradictory is insane. I CANNOT TAKE IT!
Posts: 262 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Actually, there was this person trying to tell me the other day that some sort of LOTR story had been around BEFORE the movies came out, you just had to know where to look for it. How stupid is that?
I mean how could anybody POSSIBLY come up with all these great creatures and geographies and ideas and plot twists BEFORE having seen the movie?
quote: Gee, I wonder what will bring Rocky out of retirement this time?
There actually is a sixth Rocky movie in the works. Wild eh? Of course, I, a Rocky lover, will be referring to this sixth Rocky movie as Rocky Five, since the fetid conglomeration of goat dung that has been masquerading as Rocky five is little more than a fetid conglomeration of goat dung.
Posts: 2532 | Registered: Jul 2001
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quote:Fellowship of the Rings and Two Towers were shoved down our throats.
I've heard some students are even forced to read some novelization of the movie in their literature classes. Ridiculous. Does Hollywood run our classrooms now?
Hello? The books came out about half a century before the movies, get your facts straight bud.
quote:Greed.
Hollywood can't make a movie these days without crapping out a sequel the next year to squeeze more money out of the sheep. Guess what; there's ANOTHER LOTR movie coming this Christmas. Gee, I wonder what will bring Rocky out of retirement this time?
::sigh:: That is the way the author wrote them, in three parts, it has nothing to with money. It would have been too hard to release them all in one.
quote:They switched Darrens on us!
Look closely in Fellowship and you'll notice the human member of their party is played by two different actors at different points of the movie (it takes a sharp eye to notice, but one of them has red hair, one black).
Oh my god, this guy is so dense. There are two completely diffrent human characters played by two completely diffrent actors.
quote:Racism.
Percentage of protagonists in Fellowship who are white: 100. Meanwhile the black antagonists and their black crow spies and their black glass seeing ball inhabit their black towers and perform black magic. Gosh, I wonder if there's some symbolism there?
Now you're just being silly. It's supposed to be based on England in the Middle Ages. There weren't a whole load of black people back then. And darkness and black colours have always been associated with evil.
quote:Gold: The Stretchy Element.
The ring, which is seen to be at least two inches in diameter at the beginning to fit the polish sausage-sized finger of Sauron, suddenly fits Frodo's child-sized finger later. I guess this movie takes place in a world where rings magically change sizes on their own.
Yes! IT IS A MAGICAL WORLD!
quote:Violence.
Give me one reason that story couldn't have been told without all the fighting.
Fair enough, perhaps that did set a bad example.
quote:Return of the Living Dead.
In FOTR, if you watch closely during the Inn scene, Frodo and his crew are shown getting stabbed by the Ring Wraiths. Then, five seconds later, they are fine again. Note to the director: try proofreading your movie before you release it to the public.
Peter Jackson just made it look like they were being stabbed to add suspense. You then see the wraiths ripping off the bed sheets to reveal the hobbits weren't actually there, but in another room across the street.
quote:Did someone say plot hole?
Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman.
Haha, wise guy. That's not a plot hole at all.
quote:Sloppy CGI.
Gandalf's smoke boat at Bilbo's party is pretty impressive, but smoke cannot be made to travel horizontally, thus revealing it to be nothing but a cheap special effect.
AGAIN IT IS A MAGICAL WORLD!
quote:The Asbestos Wizard.
We all saw Gandalf fall into the molten core of Middle Earth after his battle with the firebeast thing in part 1. Well, I guess the Gandalf action figure must have sold well, because in the slap-together sequel Two Towers, Gandalf is back. Perhaps it was voodoo, a la the corpse in Weekend at Bernie's II (look closely and you'll notice LOTR steals several elements from the WAB films).
There's just so much wrong with this one. As I've said before the books were written HALF A CENTURY BEFORE THE MOVIES WERE MADE. Gandalf was ALWAYS planned to be in the sequels, it had nothing to do with his action figure sales.
quote:Invisible Implausibility.
Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.
MAGICAL WORLD! MAGICAL WORLD! MAGICAL WORLD!
quote:The Asbestos Wizard, II.
The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.
MAGIC!
quote:I'll have to rent that one.
The rushed-through story the screenwriter threw in as the first ten minutes of Fellowship of the Ring looked a lot more interesting than the movie we were forced to watch. Why didn't somebody make a movie off that instead?
Maybe you should go read it instead, you idiot. It's called The Hobbit.
quote:Magic Mechanics.
Experts on the occult say in order for a wizard to floorspin a fully-grown man like Gandalf, he'd need three magical staffs, not two.
I have trouble believing someone like you would do any research into the matter full stop.
quote:Finders, keepers.
So Bilbo, who we are supposed to identify with as a protagonist, finds a piece of someone else's jewelry and just keeps it for himself? That's funny, because I would expect a good man to submit it to the local Lost and Found so it could be claimed by its owner. It makes me wonder if he bought that hillside house or if he was just squatting.
Uuuhh, that's funny, I didn't know they had local Lost and Founds in the middle of an orc-infested mountain!
quote:Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.
Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.
Is it, perhaps, possible that he picked up the arrows he shot? They wouldn't have been too hard to find inside the skull of an orc.
quote:Watch out! He's going to explode!
The heroes are shown eating again and again, and yet no one ever goes to the bathroom throughout their entire quest.
What!? They don't show every single little detail!
quote:Meesa gonna make theesa movie suckah!
The character of Gollum in The Two Towers was entirely computer animated (a cheap effort to cash in on Jar Jar Binks Mania) but was just a dim shadow of George Lucas' effort. Thank you, Peter Jackson. Thank you right to Hell.
Jar Jar Binks Mania? What the heck?
quote:Speaking of Elves...
Elves are beautiful and wise and tall? Great warriors? Makers of fine lightweight weapons? Our modern knowledge of elves has observed only an ability to make cookies and toys. All the elves in the film are portrayed as living in a warm paradise (Rivendell) but our own information tells us the aforementioned group of toymaking elves work and thrive in the arctic. Hey, Mr. Jackson: Research is half of writing.
Exactly, you hypocrite.
quote:Homage or theft?
The "happy village of little people" idea was stolen from Willow.
Homage or theft II?
The wise old wizard character was stolen from Harry Potter.
Homage or theft III?
The "travelling on our quest through a corn field" scene was stolen from Shrek.
Homage or theft IV?
The character of the rebellious-but-helpful Ranger was stolen from Val Kilmer in Willow.
Homage or theft VI?
The "old man looking through the door hatch at the approaching little people" scene was stolen from A Clockwork Orange.
Homage or theft VII?
The cantina scene with a noisy bar filled with a mix of otherworldly species was stolen from Cecile B. DeMille's One Night in an Alien Bar.
Homage or theft IX?
The character of the Giant Evil Flaming All-Seeing Eye was based on former President Jimmy Carter.
Homage or theft X?
The character of Elrond was based on Agent Smith from The Matrix.
Lord of the Rings was a story before all those things, so it couldn't have been theft.
quote:Realism, schmealism.
Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.
Perhaps, you twit, the relationship was based on more than just sex.
quote:Too many notes, III.
Too many characters to keep track of. The dwarf was clearly only there as a token dwarf character to sell tickets to lucrative movie-going dwarf demographic. Lose him.
Uh, no. He was part of the fellowship as thought up by the author of the original books, J.R.R. Tolkien.
quote:The Shoeless Land.
The Hobbits both 1) refuse to wear shoes and 2) run a livestock-based farming economy. Wouldn't they constantly be stepping in crap? Why doesn't the movie address this issue?
Because it's stupid, much like you.
quote:What's that smell?
As bad as the Lucasfilm leaks were with his last film, the filmmakers of Return of the King already have the novelization out in paperback. I've seen it at Barnes & Noble already. As if we needed any less of a reason to go see it.
Once again you prove yourself to be an ignorant dope. Get a clue.
I'm not sure if I linked this correctly, but I found this FOTR criticism a lot funnier. It also sounds like it may have been written by someone who has read the book.
Also good job jebus202.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2003
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I suspect for entirely different reasons. (Edit - Actually, I just saw that was Matt's post, not SoberTillNoon's. Probably the same reason in that case).
quote:And I understand your frustration. I understand your anger. After all, it was I who had Old Man Murray shut down after I found curse words on their site. I myself remember writing a negative Titanic review in 1997 and receiving a storm of protest from the Leo DiCaprio Worshippers Guild, the North American Billy Zaniacs and the International Union of People Who Love Crap.
But I have a right to my opinions. This website has won numerous awards for online journalism; I blew the lid off the faking of Tupac Shakur's death a full two years before the mainstream media caught on. I have an Associate's Degree. Don't take this the wrong way, but that means in this world my opinion counts for a little bit more than yours does. I don't mean that in a bad way at all; it's just one of those facts of life.
I guess what I'm saying is that regardless of which piece of popular entertainment has been insulted, we don't have to load up on beatsticks and travel half way around the world every time we see someone disagreeing with us. A dog barking at a man is a dog. A man who stops to bark back probably doesn't have anywhere to be that morning
I just wanted to commend you on the superb link (even though it has been posted before) and on your invention of the obtuse stick. It's these sort of contributions that make you a valuable part of the Hatrack community. Keep up the good work.
Thanks! It's been a rewarding career here at Hatrack, and I strive to do my part. You've been funny before, too, though! Give credit where it may actually at some point have been due!
quote: Hey, Mr. Eminem. Standing still and moving your arms slightly is not dancing.
There is no question in my mind that any performer who won't take the time to learn the art of dance should not be allowed to sign a record deal. To quote Farquitheus:
The rod of joy smites the male Whose limbs hath flail Jump! Flail! Jump! Flail! I have soiled myself.
quote: Millions of copies of the LOTR DVDs have thick black bars at the bottom and top of the screen throughout the film. Didn't anyone catch this? You know what happens at the end, in the extreme foreground and extreme upper sky? Neither do I. Bush league, guys.
If you all don't get this one, you probably shouldn't have read any further Letterboxing. My mother in law asked my husband if he knew how to fix their TV so "it didn't do that".
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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Thank you Ralphie!
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You know, a boyfriend, husband, significant other. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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Letterboxing. My mother in law asked my husband if he knew how to fix their TV so "it didn't do that".
