posted
Trisha, you are right. If I had a surprise baby, I'm sure I would be delighted after I overcame the shock and got used to the idea. My arrogance is from a position of never having had a surprise baby.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I'm OK. I have had some time to get used to this idea. Saturday was hard because I first started to realize that something was wrong beyond the nagging doubts that anyone feels when they are first pregnant.
I think the more attached we are to something, the harder it is to let go. I only had a few short weeks of time to get attached to this hope of a baby. When someone breaks up with their sig. other of years or someone they have known for years has died, that must be so much harder to let go of. It's more than just the loss--you are so *used* to the idea of having them there. You have to constantly remind yourself, "Oh yeah...."
So yes, it was hard to let go of this. And I don't think I am all the way done letting go. But not nearly as hard as it could have been. For instance, I am not afraid of having trouble conceiving in the future. If some shadow were cast over that, then I would really be upset.
Now I just have to focus on something else productive since I know it isn't safe to get pregnant again right away. Being pregnant just isn't an option for me right now. So I will fill my thoughts and hopes with something else for the time being.
I am learning patience. Funny since not more than a month ago I went to my Heavenly Father in prayer and basically apologized for not trusting Him more, for not being willing to go through hard things so that I can learn from experience. This is an issue I have wrestled with for years--not being willing to trust Him enough that way. I know that when I ask for things like, "teach me patience" or "teach me humility", I tend to get hit with some kind of trial or difficulty that teaches me just that. My life has been amazingly stable for the last few years. It is almost creepy how much so.
So when something like this happens, I just take a moment to reflect on our mortal condition. Life isn't supposed to be easy. And I feel that God has been extremely gentle with me for whatever reason. While I have had my share of trials and suffering, they have come in suprisingly gentle ways. But at the same time, going through the tiny bit of suffering this has caused deepens my appreciation for my brothers and sisters on earth. Sorrow is part of being human, and it reminds me that I am alive. I am glad for that.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I don't beleive God "makes" these things happen, but when they do happen, I think we can chose to become angry and bitter, or to turn to God for strength and comfort and to ask Him to help us come out of the experience as a person who is more like He wants us to be.
Posts: 1021 | Registered: Sep 2004
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We struggle with infertility. Several years ago we had a false positive pregnancy test. We waited several weeks before telling anyone we were pg. Then we went for an ultrasound to get a good estimate of the due date because I am so irregular. That was when we found out I was not preg. at all. I had the test done at a doctors office and have oftened wondered if the lady mixed mine up with someone else or it really was a rare false positive. It was crushing. I cried for several days. Thankfully I was able to find some scriptures that gave me great comfort. One of the hardest parts was telling the kids we really weren't pregnant. That was devastating. I imagine having a miscarriage may feel similar though I don't know. We really wanted this baby that never was to begin with. Several months later we found out we were pregnant for real. He is now 3 and I still long for more babies. Anyway, this is getting too emotional for me, especially at work.
posted
Well, I guess you can take me off the list of "don't know what it's like but you have my sympathy".
I miscarried today. I didn't even know I was pregnant. I wasn't taking care of myself or planning for it or hoping because we've been being very careful; we planned (and still plan, now) not to try for another baby until December (Oct. at the earliest). I'd been feeling "kind of pregnant" for a few weeks, which is weird; with Emma, I felt very pregnant, right away. I felt wierd enough that I took a home pregnancy test on Monday; it was negative, so I figured it was really bad PMS, even though I've only had "pregnant-feeling" PMS one time, and it wasn't that bad. Since my periods have never been regular, and I'm still nursing a baby so they're more irregular than ever, I wasn't sure where exactly I should be in my cycle.
Then on Tue. night the cramps started. Fairly few, far apart, not very hard. I figured I was right about the PMS. I kept on figuring that as the cramps got harder and more frequent, until yesterday they were severe enough that I hunted out some prescription pain medication in the cupboard, which I very rarely need to take for my PMS cramps. The bleeding started last night, fairly heavy for the first day of a period, but it varies, so I didn't think much of it. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night, but I put that down to the excitement of dyeing eggs and making a bunny cake.
This morning, the cramping was severely severe. The painkillers cut the pain back enough that I could stumble into the shower, into my clothes, and into church, then back home after the first hour. I had cramps more and more frequently; they came and went, with milder cramps and an ache in between. I thought, and said to my husband, "this feels like labor. I've never had cramps like this before." They got worse and worse, then slacked off a little. I went to the bathroom to change my pad again; there was tissue of some sort in the blood on the pad, and I wasn't sure what it was. I was now soaking an overnight pad an hour or maybe a little faster. I ended up back in the bathroom to change my pad again. I cramped up again on the toilet. I cried. It hurt. I called for my husband. He rubbed my back and finally, the cramps passed. I sat there a while more. I got up, and saw that I had passed what was undeniably not a clot of any kind or any weird kind of bleeding thing. It was a sac. I cried some more, cleaned up. Flushed. Washed my hands and face, headed out the door to make it to Easter at the in-laws. Broke down in the car and told my husband. Broke down again while helping make the rolls. Told my mother-in-law. She had a miscarriage after my husband, can sympathize. Hugged me.
I tried to be happy and absorb myself in Easter. We had a good time; occasionally I would go off to change another pad and cry a little. I had a chance to talk quietly with my husband. I'll be okay. The cramping and bleeding have slowed way down; I get horrific cramps when Emma nurses, but I figure that's my body's way of getting back to normal, like after she was born. I called my mom. We cried. She warned me to watch for hemmorhaging. I will.
My head hurts, my body hurts, I'm very tired. I think I'll go to bed early tonight.
I don't really know what to think. I didn't even know I had a baby until I lost it. I guess I am glad I was spared the emotional attatchment of going through part of a pregnancy and losing the baby after I'd had a chance to think of it as a baby. But it still hurts, some. I mean, like my husband said, "Now that we have Emma, I look at her, and I think, that could have been another one, to do that, to be happy, to live, and now it's not. I know the time wasn't right for us to have a baby, but it's still sad."
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Thanks, guys. I'm going to head off to bed now. I'll be okay; in a way, like I said, I'd rather it happen this way than when it would disappoint hopes. I'm not sure how I got pregnant in the first place, but that's another issue. Mostly, I'm tired down to my soul. I'm glad I had a place to write it all out; it helped.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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Thanks, guys. I'm still a little sad, and still recovering physically as well as emotionally, but I'll be better. I love you all. *gets weepy and hugs everyone in the thread*
posted
kq - I'm so sorry. And I wouldn't have made that tongue-in-cheek comment in the breakfast thread if I had read this thread first.
I've had a miscarriage once too - 17 years ago. But (I have posted about it before in a childbirth thread) it was weird, because actually I was pregnant with twins (didn't know it) and I lost one, but then didn't lose the other, despite all odds to the contrary. So I had both the sense of loss for the one gone when I began to miscarry, but relief and joy at the one which did not miscarry and went full-term (my now-17 year old son).
posted
FG, I didn't find it hurtful. Although I just almost collapsed at Target (my bp was 87/52, but I kept rushing around... I really ought not to do things like that...) So don't be surprised if I'm resting instead of on Hatrack some of the day tomorrow. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I am sorry for your losses Beverly and Ketchupqueen.
I am one of those who is very infertile. After we had been married 6.5 years we tried IVF. I was expecting to not get pregnant, I was hoping to get pregnant. Two weeks after they implanted our little embryos, we found out I was pregnant. We were excited. This was our child. Our child we had wanted for so many years. At 7.5 weeks we found out the pregnancy was ectopic, and had to have an abortion. I had two shots of Methotrexate to dissolve not only our child, but all my dreams for that child.
One of the worst things was when the doctor in the E.R. told me, "Don't worry, you will get pregnant again right away." I started sobbing, I couldn't stop. I yelled at him. We have never been pregnant since. This happened two years ago and I still mourn the loss of our child.
I did not leave our apartment for two months afterwards, I did not want to see anyone. No one knew how I felt, even though they said they did. I did not want to talk about it with anyone. I did not want anyone to know. I was angry with my family members for telling so many people we were pregnant in the first place. I can talk about it now, but it still hurts, I still want my baby.
Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2003
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School4ever, I understand how you feel when people say the most inappropriate things. The tech who gave me the news that I was going to miscarry just gave me a bunch of tech talk about levels not raising and such and when I asked what that would mean for my child he said I had to not think about it as a child. I was at work and I just lost it. My desk was right on the sales floor and everyone heard me cry out. Some people are very insensitive.
Posts: 601 | Registered: Sep 2002
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ketchup queen: I'm so sorry! I'm sorry that I was away from Hatrack and didn't see this until now.
School4ever: !!! I had no idea you went through that! I can understand that must have been a very bitter experience for you. (Not that I understand what that must have been like for you, admittedly I don't.)
I don't know much about IVF, but if I am remembering correctly, it is very difficult and expensive? Is there any possibility of you trying again, or are you worried about things not going well again? I know that some of the women who struggle with infertility just never are able to conceive. They want to so badly, and it is just something they have to deal with day in and day out.
I really do hope that you are able to have that child you are hoping for--by whatever means.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Beverly- I just appreciate when people realize that they don't understand.
The IVF cost us almost 10K. We were going to do it right away again after the first one if the first one did not work because we already had the drugs and the doctor only charges his cost for the second try. Several things happened to prevent this 1)I lost my job, 2) I was too depressed. I was not expecting the outcome we got. I usually try to prepare myself for every eventuality, but always the one I did not prepare myself for is the one that happens.
Posts: 188 | Registered: Aug 2003
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Do you think you might try again, with the time that has passed and all? BTW, that really is expensive!
And an ectopic pregnancy--what are the chances? I imagine it is tempting to think some days that the Universe has it out for you. Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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School4Ever- I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't believe the doctor was so insensitive!
Posts: 1021 | Registered: Sep 2004
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I don't really want to re-read this thread right now (don't feel like crying), but I think someone mentioned wanting to get pregnant again right away. Do you think that's a normal reaction? I mean, we are not ready for another baby right now, and I didn't even know I was pregnant, but I'm still struggling with this reaction right now. I don't know if I'm trying to prove something to myself, or what, but it probably doesn't help that I wanted another baby before this. We have, however, set a not-too-distant and totally reasonable date when we will try again; we had done that before this happened. We are now being even more careful about bc (not that we weren't before ), but I'm really, really chaffing against it. I want another baby, and I want it now. How do I get through this? Why do I even want this? Have the rest of you experienced this? Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
That is a very normal reaction. I think to some degree it's even physiological -- hormone withdrawal.
You have lost something, and you want (on many levels) to replace it. Most of those levels aren't rational, so rational knowledge won't help much.
Keep in mind as well, that even if you WERE otherwise ready to have a baby now, pregnancy right after a miscarriage frequently becomes another miscarriage.
My arms are empty too, sweetie. *hug*
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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(((hugs back))) I'm so glad I have someone to talk to about it. While I love my mother-in-law, every time I need to complain, it turns into "I had something worse happen to me" (and she did! Her husband died when my husband was three, leaving her pregnant with three children to support, major hospital bills because one was epileptic and my husband had broken ribs, a punctured lung, and almost drowned in the same accident that killed his father, and she miscarried a month after, but that's not what I need.) I found out from my mom that the same thing that happened to me happened to her when my oldest sister was a year old, but she doesn't seem willing or even able to talk about it; she reverts to medical terms if the subject comes up and is only concerned about my physical health (I know she's not really, but that's all she seems capable of saying). And my poor, wonderful, loving, long-suffering husband just doesn't know what to do when I break down. Thanks for being there. I love you all. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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That is so very normal kq. A raging desire to fill your arms, to do all the baby nurtiring your hormones had prepared you for....yep. Posts: 2711 | Registered: Mar 2004
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KQ, I so wanted to be pregnant right away. But the advice from my provider was to wait at least a month so as not to have yet another miscarriage and chance of infection. I didn't like it, but I followed it anyway. I was really depressed about my non-pregnant state.
So, now this month I could supposedly try again. You want to know what's funny? Now I'm all hesitant again! I feel like I've got my hands so full with three, and the idea of a fourth scares me--just like before I decided I was "ready" a few months ago. I still *want* to have another child, but it isn't such a strong "need" like it was then.
So you may continue to feel like you want to get pregnant, or you may lose the desire somewhat as time passes. But I imagine wanting to be pregnant again *immediately* is very common.
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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kq, I missed this. Of course you want another baby right away, but I think the word was that is it best to have a couple of cycles to heal first, to give the next baby the best chances. (((kq)))
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