posted
Seeing as Ive never seen an episode or movie in the Star Trek realm, I couldnt tell you which one. I love Star Wars though, and...wait for it...I love Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. Phantom of the Menace is alright too. LOL, you may make fun all you would like.
Posts: 457 | Registered: Jun 2005
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The Emporer slowly walks into the battle arena, limping on his sickly cane. His blood-red cloaked gaurds allow him to enter. "Where is this $#@$#@ I'm supposed to fight!" he demands.
Hey, have you priced the cost of parking orbit for a Death Star? Its enough to make anyone grumpy.
Suddenly the air shimmers as the Borg Queen transports into position. "We are here."
"We?" grumbled the old man, "I was told this was a one on one fight. I do much better getting stupid people to fight for me."
"I was using the royal we. Or more exactly, the hive-mind we. For I am the queen, but I am we as well."
"Vanity. I can understand vanity. What are the rules?"
"Why? So you can break them?" The Borg queen asked?
"Well, yes." Bolts of white lightening flew from his hands, sending the queen flying across the floor. He laughed.
She rose up. "Very interesting. We shall incorporate that technology."
Another batch of lightening went flying from the Emporer's hands, but they reflected harmlessly off of her newly adjusted shields.
"My turn." she said quietly. "Resistance is futile." She raised her weapon, which suddenly went flying from her hand with a wave of the Emporer's hand.
Frustrated, she charged. He charged. They met, hands grabbing hands, each apparently trying to force the other to their knees.
Actually, a much more signifigant battle was going on. Millions of Borg Nano-bots were trying desparately to infiltrate and absorb the Emporer. Meanwhile millions of tiny Milochloridian's were fighting back. For about a minute the two stood there waging a microscopic war that was as heated as it was, well, boring to us viewers.
Suddenly a wierd noice filled the room. Three rings descended out of the ceiling. A light filled them, and when they settled down, a strange Egyptian looking man stood tall.
The two combatants, still locked in microscopic mortal combat, turned and stared. "Who are you!" they demanded on cue.
"I am Ba'al, greatest of the Ghouh'lAud."
The two looked at each other, and broke apart. The Borg said, "Why are you here, other than to be assimilated?"
"I bring a suggestion, an offer of peice, a way to bring victory to all of us."
"What are you babbling about?" asked the Emporer.
"In each of our respective universes, we each face defeat at the hands of our enemies. We have only one thing in common. This realm. Yet worse than defeat is--true death. Once we are fogotten we can never return. Movies are limited. Series end. But in one realm we can exist forever. In one realm, we can be victorious far more than we are defeated. In one realm can we each survive, prosper, and when our enemies gain to much strength, pull the strings that will make there power flee."
"What realm are you speaking of?" the Borg asked.
"Video Games."
"I have heard of these Video Games." The Emporer acknowledged.
"Join with me. We slip back in time a few years, and start our own company to produce them. We create our own worlds that can insure our continuation and prosperity."
The Borg calculated the facts. "I agree. We three can do this."
The Emporer considered, "To bring the Dark Side to the Gaming World? It is my destiny."
There was a flash and they were gone.
You doubt my tale? Line up the Borg Cube, the Death Star, and a GouhlAud Pyramid ship. What do you get? EA's original Logo.
posted
I was going to do Troi vs Queen Imadala, but they were so sweet and bashfully innocent towards each other that the entire audience went into a diabetic coma. Nobody remembers who won, or cares.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Dan_raven: Per Requests:
Battle of the Testoserone:
Han Solo vs Commander William Riker.
The two manly men enter the battle arena, weapon conspicously holstered. The formal martial arts bow has been minimized by these man to the most manly quick nod of the head.
"Didn't Captain Cisco kill you earlier?" Riker asked?
"Yeah. But I'm Harrison Ford. I got better."
Riker nodded understanding. "Well if he could do it, then I guess this shouldn't be difficult for me."
"He is a Captain, a ship's commander. I am a ship's commander. You never got out of your Captain's shadow."
"Yeah, but I got something my Captain, and you, hardly ever received--sex."
"Hey. I get the Princess in the end." Ford responded.
"Yeah, well I got three princesses, twelve bar maids, five holographic porn stars, and one she-male in an episode about sexual discrimmination that I'm still trying to forget. And that is far from the whole list."
Miffed Han retorted, "Yeah, well, my gun's much bigger than your's is. I don't know how you can even find that piddly little thing."
"I've had no complaints." argued an angered Riker. Why did they wait till DS9 to pass out those big manly guns anyway. "At least I don't have the name Han Solo. Sounds like the love life of some of our more pathetic fans..."
"Wait a minute. The site moderator doesn't want this becoming one of "those" types of threads."
"Oh, excuse me." Riker called up to our moderator. "Where were we?"
Han looked around. "I think we were about done with our witty banter. I'm done. You?"
Riker pulled out a computer pad with some banter notes carefully prepared. "Um, yes. Mostly good. I could get into the whole, 'Blasters can't hit their targets' thing..."
"Hey." interupted Han, "Most blaster's can't hit anything they are pointed towards. Mine is special. I hit more things while blinded than the entire Empirical Army for the past 2 years. Trust me, you'll find out all about my accuracy shortly."
"Then I'm ready. Whenever you are."
A moment of silence filled the arena.
With a flash, Han's blaster cleared his holster before Riker could find his small phaser. But Han didn't shoot. He dove to the floor and spun around. As he guessed, George Lucas's digital hand was coming into the fight to re-edit it. He was attempting to again stop Han from shooting first.
Han shot first, several times, directly at Lucas.
Riker did the only honorable thing. He also shot Lucas. With a thud, Lucas's abused body fell from the digital workshop onto the battlefloor.
Han stood up. "Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to do that?"
Riker moved over to the body. "He's dead Han. I wonder if I've violated the prime directive. Murder? What are the legal..."
"Riker, calm down." Han's smile was large. "Let me explain. I appreciate your help. You'll never know how much." With that he shot Riker. "But honestly, I have one advantage that you missed." He shot Riker again. "I was a pirate, a smuggler, a bad man living in bad times. I just don't have that high Starfleet ethical code you do." He fired a third time, obliterating Riker's smile, and his ability to play annoying saxophones ever again. "Thank's Commander, but now I have to go."
posted
Battle of the Greedy Quark vs Jabba the Hutt
Quark pierced the quiet with the famous Ferengi battle cry, which resembles the scream of a 13 year old girl, a really really annoying 13 year old girl. And I think that is an insult to the screams of 13 year old girls everywhere. Even as the bulk of Jabba began to enter the ring, Quark was protesting. He demanded and cursed those responsible for this fight.
”Mortal combat is against my religion! Especially since I’m the one most likely to face that mortality” he yelled. “The 8th rule of acquisition clearly states, THERE IS NO PROFIT IN DIEING. In other peoples deaths, maybe, but not in our own. Ferengi do not fight to the death. We hire others to do it for us. Let me go buy a couple of Klingons. I’ll be right back, I promise.”
The gods of the arena were deaf to his calls, though Jabba the Hutt let out a deep base snicker. In a moment the “Universal Translator” kicked in. For the first time we could all begin to understand the muted rumblings of Jabba, which sounded identical to the muted mumblings of one Don Corleone. “Dear fellow,” he chuckled as he finished entering the ring, “I wish to make you an offer you cannot refuse…”
Quark looked at the slugman and gasped. “What offer.”
The Hutt reared up on its back—um—back. “You can die…”
Quark gulped. “Or what?”
The Hutt paused. “There is no Or. You can die.” With that its titanic bulk pounced forward with an earth shattering THUMP. It was a blatant attempt to smash the Ferengi under 5.2 tons of Hutt blubber.
Quark had rolled out of the way. “Well that is down right unfair. There has to be an ‘or.’ What kind of trader are you if you don’t allow for an ‘or’? How about ‘die or play a nice game of dum-jat?”
The Hutt lifted his front torso back up, taking better aim. “The Hutt do not waste time on games.” Thud, and miss again.
“Understandable, boring but understandable” said the running Quark, “How about a bribe? Would that be a good ‘or’?”
The Hutt paused. “What kind of bribe.”
Quark paused. “How about I surrender. You win, but let me live. I’ll go home and send you some credits as soon as I can.”
The Hutt shook his head. “You will pay now. I take cash, gems, or favored children as payment.”
Quark did a quick body check. “Sorry, I don’t have any on me. Just let me…” even as he headed for any exit he could imagine, the Hutt towered up again.
“Stand still and die you poor little cowardly being.”
“Would you accept a nephew? I swear he’s only…wait. What did you say?”
The Hutt was at his height. “I called you a poor little cowardly being.” Thud.
The Ferengi was quick. “I may be little compared to your bulk, and I won’t question the cowardly part, but I am not poor. You never call a Ferengi poor. Understand slug breath?”
“You insult me?” Jabba was now upset. “ You talk’n to me? You talk’n to me?”
“Yes you overweight earslug. I am not scared of you. I survived marriage to a Klingon woman. You were killed by a mere female, a human female.”
“Yes,” said the irritated Jabba, for no one insults a Hutt. “I was killed by that female, but I succeeded in something that you never did. I had my way with her first.”
“You slept with Princess Leia?” Quark gasped.
“With a name like that, and seeing the way she was dressed in that scene, do you doubt it?”
“Liar!!!” yelled a voice from up in the stands, sounding much like Carrie Fischer. A hurled piece of junk flew threw the air from the crowd, and bounced off of Jabba’s head, slid down his back, and got stuck in one of the unmanly folds of his skin.
Jabba just laughed. “And I am not named after the smallest sub-atomic particle known to science, little male.”
Quark stood up tall, well as tall as he could. “Its not the smallest sub-atomic particle, and hey, at least I am not named after a greasy pizza joint, that I resemble in girth if not in aroma.”
With a roar, Jabba pounced, up and down, trying with all of his might, and none of his dignity, to squish the small Ferengi. Jabba was so tired of that Pizza The Hut crack. It was old. Ok. Old.
Quark ran.
Glancing around to find a place to hide, he realized there was only one place where he was safe from being squished, and out of Jabba’s arm’s reach. With a feint left, he dove right, jumped once, and landed on Jabba’s back.
“Mua’Dib!!” yelled someone in the audience.
He was quickly slapped down by others in the audience.
“Now, big boy, Mr. Hutt sir, now what will you do?” Quark held on tightly to the flabs of skin half way up Jabba’s back.
Jabba laughed. “I’ll roll over.”
Quark laughed. “I don’t think so, tubbo. You roll over, you’ll never get back up.”
“We Hutt,” said Jabba, “Are much more dexterous than we look.” With that he began to ponderously roll onto his side, preparing to move to his back.
”You’d have to be, if you were to ever reproduce” mumbled Quark, while in desperation he searched for anything that could help him. He found it. That piece of junk, tossed earlier, that had bonked Jabba’s head, was still there. He wrenched it free of the folds of skin. It was Han’s blaster. The same blaster that Leia had used to blast Captain Janeway. Quark climbed to the top of Jabba’s head, and dug the barrel in. “Stay still and we can, negotiate.”
For a moment Jabba froze. Then he growled, “The Hutt do not negotiate.” He tried to throw himself backwards, bucking the gun and the Ferengi free.
Quark panicked, and in his panic pulled the trigger….
Twenty five times.
There are few things in this universe more dangerous than a cornered animal, a mother protecting its young, a Klingon with a flesh wound, and a Ferengi who is not allowed to negotiate.
posted
After long hours of soulful debate, I realized why so many of Lucas's characters did not speak English.
This was not an attack on the standard short cut taken in shows like Star Trek, where everyone speaks English just to make it simple.
This was not a linguists attempt to enlighten the audience with his skills at creating a complete and accurate language, hoping others will take up the field of study much in neglect.
No my friends, George Lucas had so many of his characters, and many of them the most beloved of his characters, speak their own language for one simple reason.
George Lucas can not write dialogue.
Proof?
Best loved enduring characters--Chewbacca, R2D2, the Ewoks, did not speak.
The villians were the most villianous when they were not speaking English: Jabba the Hutt, Boba-Fett after his childhood, Qweedo, The Emporer before he starts his soliloqy in episode 6, Darth Vader when he's just breathing.
Most hated characters--JarJar, The romantic Anakin/Amadala, and any time dialogue was attempted.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I dunno Carrie Fisher was a little minx just about EVERY time she said something and I liked it.
And she had that whole "Anti damsel in distress persona" that I personally found kinda hot. "Arn't you a bit short for a storm trooper?"
Han Solo in just about ANY conversation made it pretty awesome. Though I wonder how many of those lines were scripted and how many were ad libbed, only the actors know!
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I think also that George Lucas has never had a meaningful and healthy relationship with a woman, and therefore can't write them realistically.
I mean, Leia was essentially a tomboy in Ep 4 but got a little more romantic/sexy under different directors and screenwriters. The only other female characters in 4-6 were: Aunt Beru, Mon Mothma, Oola the twi'lek girl in Jabba's palace, the big six breasted dancer in jabba's palace, the twins in Mos Eisley, and the control room girl from Hoth. With so few women, it's amazing the size of the population.
In Ep 1-3, he tried to do a love story/tragedy with Amidala, and every scene where she was acting as something other than a tomboy/servant was just dreadful. Ep 5-6 totally drove home for me that Lucas has no idea how women think at all - give up the will to live after giving birth to two kids? What?
Posts: 3960 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
I don't buy the anti-woman argument. So far as the tomboy thing goes, so what? She was a warrior princess basically, you wanted her to look like Xena throughout the movies? She was looking pretty damned feminine at the end of Ep IV.
I agree that the love story with Amidala and Anakin is just whacked, it's messed up and could have been done a lot cleaner. But just because there are relatively few female characters, (1/3 the leading cast of Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, and Leia) in the leading roles, doesn't really mean all that much about the state of the galaxy. It's a military organization fighting a military organization. How many women characters are in all the war movies you've ever seen? How many of them are actually fighting?
edit to add: So far as I know, Lucas is divorced, but has a couple of kids with him.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
It's just what I felt after walking out of Eps 5 and 6. My first thought was "Has this guy ever even spoken to a woman?" Because the character of Amidala was just awful and unrealistic at nearly every step.
After that, I thought back to Eps 4-6, and realized just how few women characters were even pictured. I mean, if Mon Mothma and Princess Leia were in massively key roles of the Rebellion - how are there not other women besides the one in the control room on Hoth?
I just got the feeling that Lucas isn't comfortable writing or directing women. And with Amidala such a central and important character, that was a disaster - if nothing else, he was not comfortable writing or directing that role.
Are there any realistic, fleshed out women in his other movies? I haven't really thought about it until now.
Posts: 3960 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
I actually liked Amidala in Episode I. She was an unapologetically strong female leader.
I think the biggest mistake Lucas made was the change in her character between Episode I and Episode III. Why did she go from a strong independent woman to a weak, crying, useless, helpless woman? There's no logic at all to that character progression.
I think that he improved a lot in Episode III, but the things that were major problems in III, were things that he largely DIDN'T mess up in I. It boggles my mind how he managed to screw it up, but he did.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
He succeeded with Amidala in Ep 1 because he didn't direct or write her as a woman. Amidala could have been replaced by a prince, and nothing would have changed.
It fell apart when she had to be a woman in the second film, and interact with a man romantically. That seemed to weaken her character considerably - because I don't think Lucas could reconcile romance/sexuality and strength. She became a twittering teenager instead of a war hero, senator, and former head of state.
Posts: 3960 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
That's not what he said at first though, he said her character easily could have been a man, which is to say, that strong female characters aren't really female, they are just women playing the roles of men.
I've said over and over that her transformation from kickass Queen, and even kickass Senator, to wimpy, crybaby loser was wretched, and was easily my least favorite part of the entire six part series. It was a let down. But Episodes I and II Amidala were both very strong female characters, and I think it's patently unfair to say that their strength somehow precludes them from being included as a female in a movie.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Let's face it, Ep. III just plain sucked. Sucked in sooo many ways. I mean, come on, robotty thing with a withered heart and a wheeze and multiple lightsabers? Mace Windu stands there and waits to be killed? Padme neither looks nor acts pregnant, much less with twins, but then gives birth (oh, and by the way we have miracle medicine but no way to make labor not hurt, apparently-- and also, you could tell that Lucas has never had kids, his are adopted, right? The emotion was all wrong in that scene), and dies of what appears to be a broken heart? And of course, there's the limbless "Noooooooo"-screaming Anakin of the end.
Shoot, it's enough to make me want to write fanfic, because pretty much every fanfic conception of Ep. III I read before it came out was better than that movie.
I have to admit, I laughed through most of the movie.
Also:
quote:And everyone knows Hutts are asexual.
Nuh-uh. They go through distinct male and female phases. Some, like Jabba, just happen to have perverted (to the Hutt mind) tastes.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I didn't think it sucked, I didn't think any of the prequels out and out sucked, though I thought all of them were flawed, most more heavily than others. I enjoyed them. They weren't as "good" as the originals, but I enjoyed them.
As for the Hutts. Hutts always refer to their parent, such as Durga referring to Aruk. Jiliac impregnated herself, though yes, she switched from male to female to do it, she still didn't require another Hutt for the process, doesn't that still make it asexual reproduction?
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Are we sure there wasn't another Hutt involved? I always wondered about that, it wasn't so much explicit.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Lyrhawn, in a totally technical sense, is there *anything* in Episode 1 regarding Amidala's character that required a woman to play the part? Is there any plot or character point in the film that would have changed if Amidala was was Amidal, the Prince of Naboo? Or Amid-4 the Droid Regent of 9-Boo? Or some neuter/3rd alien gender head of state of some other alien world?
Amidala was a strong character, yes. That she happened to be a woman is irrelevant to her story arc in Episode 1.
Lucas could have as easily replaced Yoda, Mace Windu, or Quigon with women without altering their characters or their dialogue one bit. Doing that, though, wouldn't make them strong woman characters - it would make them strong characters that just arbitrarily happened to be women.
Which is what Amidala was in Ep 1. Gender didn't play a part anywhere, so far as I saw. If I'm wrong, and there is something I missed in the first film that made it important for Amidala to be a woman (short of our outside-of-the-film knowledge that at some point in the future she'd be Luke and Leia's mother), please let me know.
As soon as it became important to the plot that she was a woman (somewhere in Episode 2), her character started to implode - finally collapsing in Episode 3 when she became pregnant and near useless in Lucas' story. I don't think Lucas could reconcile the strength she showed as a person in the first movie with the images of femininity/love/motherhood he wanted in the second and third movies. And that's to his detriment.
Marion in Raiders of the Lost Ark was a strong female character - but then, that was directed by Spielberg.
Posts: 3960 | Registered: Jul 2001
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More or less everything I know about Hutts is from the Han Solo Trilogy. And some from the other collected shor stories. But they always refer to their parent, never with the plural, and in the first book, they never come right out and explain Hutt phsiology, but it's pretty well stated that they choose when to change gender and become pregnant.
FlyingCow-
I apologize for even getting tangled in the argument. I've been over arguing about Star Wars and Lucas for a couple years now, and yet I still allow myself to be pulled back in. Think what you will. I think you're wrong, in general, but that's about as far as I'm willing to go.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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