posted
Yes, I am a noob. I mistakenly did not name my thread topic after my novel.
Anyway, I was sitting here editing my first thirteen lines for the tenth time and thought, "Maybe the best way to improve my work is to see what other people think."
"The Virgo Divide" Science Fiction 82,000 Words
The thought-voice of En'Tlos broadcast through the aether, seeking minds she might ensnare with promises of paradise. Among those who could hear, a few heeded her call, but one held such unique potential that she was determined to possess him.
A multi-colored myriad of light, compressed into a single spectral band, marked the intergalactic membrane between Ganor and Treytia. The anomaly was more than celestial; it was a dimensional bog, impassable in darkspace. Just inside the boundary, the light of distant stars began to distend like the surface of an inflating balloon. Three spacecraft emerged, each exceeding two kilometers in length, resembling something between a snake and an earthworm.
[This message has been edited by kevindouglas (edited October 03, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kevindouglas (edited October 03, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kevindouglas (edited October 03, 2008).]
posted
Ah, very Alastair Reynolds of you, your only faux pas being that you passed up the opportunity to say, "…vermicular spacecraft". All kidding aside; the opener disappoints because I'd like to know what her promises are and in turn what the response is that intrigues her since that, rather than the interesting science, is what drives the story. I love Hard SF even though the stories frequently suffer from archetypal characters, which is fine since the stories are milieu-focused. Tell me more is all I ask. I think you can post a lot more than you did, my friend.
[This message has been edited by SolarStone (edited October 03, 2008).]
posted
Excellent point about the opener, thank you SolarStone. "held such unique potential" is too vague.
What about:
The thought-voice of En'Tlos broadcast through the aether, seeking to ensnare minds with promises of nonexistant paradise. Among those who could hear her call, a few heeded, but one being defied her so furiously that she was determined to posses him.
posted
It's an interesting opener, but I don't think I would leave En'Tlos POV so quickly as the abrupt POV change threw me off. I think I would either start and stick with En'Tlos POV or start with the ships coming out of the intergalactic band (unless she's watching them come out. If so, you need to make that clear) and stick with those for awhile. Give your reader something to really latch on to and get intersted in. I would personally go with En'Tlos. She's more interesting than the three ships at least at this point.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Well, I guess I meant, "She promised them seventy-two virgins, no tears ever again, a reuniting with old loves lost, or all the cake they could stomach, whatever it took to ensnare them, but ______ would not be fooled like the others," Blah blah. By all means this is your story, I'm a character writer so I infuse that into everything and you might be going another route. It's just that you named the demi-deity right out so I expect a bit of character exposition. As it is now it's the narrator who is telling me the paradise is nonexistant and that isn't very interesting. Does she realize it's nonexistant or is this a dilusional god? If she does then she's evil-ish and so I want a flavor of that right up front, especially if it's an assummption I'll regret later once she turns out to be just lonely and not evil at all or something like that. Haha! The twist!
Posts: 112 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Angfla: The narrator is an omnipotent, omnipresent being and a character in the story. Is it worded incorrectly in accordance with this POV? I don't want to give the impression that we can see things from En'Tlos's perspective, only that we know what she is doing.
SolarStone, thank you for your honesty. I'm not sure how to effectively paint the following picture in the first paragraph:
En'Tlos is an evil, etherial entity that very few can sense, hear, or speak to, let alone resist. When she finds one being who can resist her, she is intrigued by the challenge. This being happens to be located at the current setting, which the narrator then introduces.
Any comments and blunt honesty are appreciated. Thanks!
posted
Ooops, I went too far. Sorry. I did not mean to frustrate you. I liked what you wrote or I wouldn't have commented. Rather than my saying "...and that's not very interesting" I should've written that it perhaps isn't as provocative or intriguing as it could be. Blunt is one thing, harsh is another altogether and I certainly did not intend the latter, so I apologize for not being more careful with my phrasing. If my comments were not helpful then please disregard them. But, coming right out and saying, “En’Tlos is a cruel, vengeful deity who despises mankind and seeks to ensnare them with promises…” is actually perfectly in keeping with the most classical norms in storytelling that may be out of vogue but certainly can be resurrected and used very effectively. This is one of those weird things in modern writing, and that is, because certain norms apply right now the first thing you might want to do is straighten out the reader from word one…at least this reader, with a 'flashing sign' sentence.
Posts: 112 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
The narrator is an omnipotent, omnipresent being and a character in the story. Is it worded incorrectly in accordance with this POV? I don't want to give the impression that we can see things from En'Tlos's perspective, only that we know what she is doing.
The first paragraph is her POV, and, personally, I think you need to stick with En'Tlos longe. Stick with her until you can show me she can peer into the other character's minds. I'd rather be routed in her POV for a bit longer before jumping into someone else's head. Generally, your first chapter should be from only one POV so the reader can get involved with a character.
I really like the name of the story.
quote:
The thought-voice of En'Tlos broadcast through the aether, seeking minds she might ensnare with promises of paradise nice start. I'm intersted in a MC that is telepathic . Among those who could hear, a few heeded her call, but one okay, here's a great place to show me she's omnipotent. Tell me his name. Tell me how she "sees" him. Is he a blue and grey shimmering aura? Is it the "taste" of his thoughts that draws her to him? held such unique potential what, generally, is this potential? Strength of mind? Of soul? Of Being? that she was determined to possess him.
A multi-colored myriad of light, compressed into a single spectral band, marked the intergalactic membrane between Ganor and Treytia. This jump was jarring. If you tell me more about "him" before jumping here, I might be more ready to watch him through En'Tlos's eyes. You still have to keep your POV even when you switch to describing his situation. EVERYTHING you show us has to be colored by En'Tlos's perspective if she's really the POV The anomaly was more than celestial; it was a dimensional bog, impassable in darkspace this isn't "her" thoughts - it's his. If she's easedropping, what does SHE think about his perception of her realm? . Just inside the boundary, the light of distant stars began to distend like the surface of an inflating balloon. Three spacecraft emerged, each exceeding two kilometers in length, resembling something between a snake and an earthworm GREAT description .
It's a solid start but now you have to polish for the POV issues. Either tell it from his head (and the reader doesn't know about her yet) or tell it from hers and let us feel what she does about him.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited October 03, 2008).]
posted
Thanks, kings falcon. You said it more clearly than I did, but that's what I meant. Did that clear up my critique for you kevindouglas?
Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I completely understand what you're saying about POV, and it flatters me that you want more specifics. I think my writing in general violates the novel point-of-view rules of thumb in lieu of a more cinematic approach. I suppose that is an amateur's mistake but I love flexibility. I'll have to do some heavy thinking on the matter but let us not consider this thread closed. More reviews!
Thanks, everyone.
(And thank you Kathleen, for renaming the topic)
[This message has been edited by kevindouglas (edited October 04, 2008).]
posted
I hope it is not considered "spamming" for an author to repost as often as I have. I apologize. I would prefer that my thread not appear at the top of the list.
New First 13 of Virgo Divide, Chapter 1: En'Tlos
My universe was dying. The Aethergate was opened, but I could not pass through. The spatial currents of your universe were too chaotic for my host to survive the journey. I would require a new host from your realm, a being whose mind was complex enough to conceal my presence. I called through the portal and across your void, “We are trillions. We will all die unless you come to us. Pity us and have charity!” It was the perfect lie, shrouded in woe, aimed at the subconscious of thousands of beings. The whispering guilt would pull at their hearts until they surrendered to my plea. My salvation was assured. I needed only to wait.
[This message has been edited by kevindouglas (edited October 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by kevindouglas (edited October 07, 2008).]
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