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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » God, you say (warning potentially offensive) (Page 0)

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Author Topic: God, you say (warning potentially offensive)
JonnyNotSoBravo
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God has tough mandatory sentencing. You're going to hell FOREVER if you screw up, with no time off for good behavior! He's a big ballbuster when you think about it.

God must be really bored because He has everything, can do anything, and knows everything. He's probably just up in Heaven practicing his new Yo-Yo tricks.

God wants everyone to know that when your dog licks himself and then licks your face, it's a "hygiene sin".

God has no idea why your dog would eat another dog's poop, either.

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JonnyNotSoBravo
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God almost didn't celebrate Christmas one year to protest the commercialization of it, but Jesus got mad and made Him feel guilty about the Crucifixion.

God wants YOU for God's Army! Just kidding - He's an Army of One.

You don't ever want to invite God over for dinner. He acts like you tried really hard to create a good meal, but you just know that He thinks He could do better.

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JonnyNotSoBravo
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For God so loved the world that He gave us His only recipe for chili. And we made the chili. And it was GOOD.

God is not a watchmaker, but He does love to wind people up, especially that Job fellow.

God used to go see horror movies a lot, but people would get mad when He would say "Be not afraid" during all the scary parts.

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ClaudiaTherese
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[ROFL]
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Dan_raven
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God went to a shrink once. That's how we lost the Pegasus galaxy.

God is waiting for OSC to post on his side of the board, but don't worry. There is no rush.

God uses an open source programming language much more stable than Windows or Unix.

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fugu13
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God wishes Bob and Dana a spectacular honeymoon and a wonderful life together [Smile]
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Goody Scrivener
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probably not in line with the game...

God's on Goody's <bleep>list today. God took a coworker away from his family this weekend. Said coworker's daughters are roughly the same age as Goody's daughters.

(and being somewhat selfish: now Goody has to try and cover parts of said coworker's job until a replacement can be hired)

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JonnyNotSoBravo
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God says that ye shall have no other threads before the God threads. Avert your eyes, Last Post Thread posters!

God says that the two God threads are actually just one thread. See, it's all part of this thing called the Holy Binary...

God thinks that talking about the God threads in a God thread is very postmodern, but swears He isn't a pomo.

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Dan_raven
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God has an incredibly fast internet connection, and almost no download time for even the biggest files, but God still insists he's not into Porno.

God likes it when people say that Love is the most powerful force in the Universe, but he knows its third, following himself and Stupidity.

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katharina
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quote:
God used to go see horror movies a lot, but people would get mad when He would say "Be not afraid" during all the scary parts.
This is hysterical!!
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JonnyNotSoBravo
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God will take you to
a funky town.

Yeah, God likes it like that!

God could show Emeril a thing or two about kicking it up a notch - BAM!

Sometimes instead of being sharp, sharp as knives, God likes to be soft, soft as teddy bears.

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Dan_raven
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God created the terry cloth robe as a bit of heaven here on earth.

Satan created the liesure suit.

God still doesn't understand the whole Tie thing men insist on wearing around their necks.

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T_Smith
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http://www.worth1000.com/cache/gallery/contestcache.asp?contest_id=548&display=photoshop

Like, 4th or 5th from the bottom, theres a sign that says:

"Shut up, God"
-Satan

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ricree101
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Why God never received a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his
results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human
subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

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JonnyNotSoBravo
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Sometimes God googles Himself to see how often He's mentioned, but half of those results are referring to somebody else.

God really appreciates all the religion threads on internet forums. There's no such thing as bad publicity.

Every once in a while God worries about having a big ego. Then He remembers that He's perfect so it doesn't matter.

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Dan_raven
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God has a kick @#$ spam filter, the the devil may have a better firewall.

God's professional e-mail is "@"

God plays bingo 1,353,296 cards at one time, though he only needs one to win.

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Megan
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God likes to see old threads about him bumped, but he would never admit this on a forum.

God would never send spam or chain emails...even the really cute ones. Chain emails are right out.

God's garage is always clean, and never has dried up leaves left over from the previous season's yardwork.

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Bob_Scopatz
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God is a little embarrassed to admit that she's still working on the final edits to her dissertation.

God tried to teach man, but He refused to commit to regular office hours and most of his feedback was totally cryptic.

God is the ultimate "self starter."

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Dan_raven
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God gets off googling gargantua gorillas. Well, not really, but it is fun to say.

God doesn't spell check. If she spells it that way, that is the way everyone should spell it.

God writes under many pen names. The most recent of which is Ivanna Mann.

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Ivanna Mann
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What gave Me away?
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Dan_raven
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Your unmistakeable style and creative genius. That and a little birdy, or maybe a cherub, I couldn't quite tell since the light wasn't that good, told me.
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Bob_Scopatz
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God would like to apologize for all the problems associated with human sinus passages. There was a better design, but it would've left us with much larger frontal lobes and everyone agreed that'd be too dangerous. Sorry.

Upon meeting God for the first time, every single one of the Patriarchs were compelled to ask where that bit about "created in God's own image" came from, to which God merely shrugged and said "eh, poetic license."

God is with us always. Unless you lose your driver's license. Then you're on your own. Not even God can help you with the DMV. Besides, every time God goes in there, it seems like its the bad hair day from Hell, and the picture makes him look like some kind of omnicorpulent criminal.

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Megan
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God stays home on Saturday nights because Sunday mornings are His busiest time. He watches a movie and then turns in early.

God is a little distressed by the number of people to whom he gave acting talent that have ended up in politics. He thinks they've missed the point; he gave that talent so that he'd have something good to watch on Saturday nights!

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Teshi
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quote:
God went to a shrink once. That's how we lost the Pegasus galaxy.
Ahahaha...
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The Rabbit
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God is impossible to buy presents for. Not only does he already have everything, he's impossible to surprise.
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Orincoro
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God is the mayor of his town. His town includes everwhere except LA, God is not the mayor of LA.

God is "pretty good" at the guitar, though he says he's just an amatuer.

God invented breakfast cereal, that's why its the most important meal of the day.

God hates going to the DMV too. That's why the DMV is godless.

Remember the Dark Ages? God yawned. It was a momentary lapse.

God does not endorse Paris Hilton.

God thinks South Park is pretty funny.

God is a trekkie. Seriously. What? I mean it, he is.

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JonnyNotSoBravo
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When asked what surprised Him most about humankind, God replied, "Their infinite capacity to laugh at fart jokes."

Remember all those times when you promised to devote yourself to God if He got you out of that jam? Well, it's time to pay up!

God thinks it sucks to be a know-it-all. Everyone constantly asks you questions and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time!

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Dan_raven
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God thinks the phrase, "Absolute Power corrupts Absolutely" is nonsensical, and will smite with a vengeance, anyone who dares disagree with him.

God enjoys a good smiting now and then, but who doesn't.

God gets upset with the people who think they are all "holier than thou". Face it. They aren't holier than him.

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Stone_Wolf_
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God never cheats at cards, he's just really really good at reading people.

God always raises on a pair of tens or better.

God's Ipod has -every- song on it, but he only listens to half of them.

God went through this "hippy" phase in the '60s and wore toe rings for nearly 3 years.

God is undecided if Pepsi or Coke is better, he's more of a Sprite guy.

God watches the Olympics every year.

God's garden is covered in little porcelain garden gnomes, which he has individually named.

God likes to smile at babies for hours at a time.

God once had a baseball card collection, but he put the cards into the spokes of his bike so they would make that *thwap thwap thwap* sound when he rode.

God wears fuzzy bunny slippers around the house.

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Stone_Wolf_
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God likes a light snack in the middle of the day.

God once stubbed his toe in the dark, said something about "let there be light" and bang, creation!

God pays a CPA to do his taxes because he hates paperwork.

God has a lot of "dependants".

God prefers oranges to grapefruits, becuse he once squirted himself in the eye with grapefruit juice.

God was considering buying a Hummer, but decided its gas mileage was too low.

God likes to hang out back stage after the show and chill with the roadies.

God is a big fan of musicals, and saw "Rent" on Broadway five times in a week.

God owns a suit, but doesn't like to wear it.

Nothing makes God laugh like brightly colored bow ties.

God isn't a big drinker, but likes a warm hard apple cider once in a while.

When God cooks, he never uses MSG.

God once had an ant farm, but let the ants go after awhile.

God doesn't have any tan lines.

God once entered a God look-a-like contest, and came in 3rd.

God always deposits at least ten percent of his pay check into savings.

God prefers knit boxers, they are soft and breezy and have a nice snap on the front to keep the hole closed.

God sometimes wears footy pajamas.

God has a pet rock named "Rocky".

God's bed has Egyptian cotton sheets.

God's favorite flavor of ice cream is cookies and cream.

God isn't into nose piercing, because they just look weird.

God can raise his eyebrow like Mr. Spock.

God knows all the words to the Dark Side of the Moon album.

God thinks that Masters of Orion II is the best strategy game out by far.

God keeps his old water bottles and refills them from the tap.

When God reads the news paper, he always opens to the funnies first.

Sometimes God likes to talk with a Scottish burr for days at a time.

God's wall paper tastes like snozberries.

God likes to sing along with the radio in the shower.

God once held his breath for twenty years on a dare.

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cheiros do ender
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quote:
Originally posted by T_Smith:
http://www.worth1000.com/cache/gallery/contestcache.asp?contest_id=548&display=photoshop

Like, 4th or 5th from the bottom, theres a sign that says:

"Shut up, God"
-Satan

Even though those pictures were worth waiting for: http://www.worth1000.com/emailthis.asp?entry=22582
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Kama
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Szymon's thread reminded me of this [Smile]
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Dan_raven
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God didn't miss this thread, but boy I did.

(I still think if Mr. Card repackaged these into a book, he'd sell millions. But then, when doesn't he sell millions of every book.)

God is not impressed with flattery,

and neither is Mr. Card.

I on the other hand...

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anti_maven
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God honks for Jesus.
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advice for robots
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I can't believe this thread is only 5 pages long.

Edit: There is another similar thread that Bob started, isn't there?

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Kama
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aha
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advice for robots
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Bumped it.
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Kama
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quote:
Originally posted by Ralphie:
God hates it when the "God, you say!" thread is bumped and the "It's Sacrilicious!" thread is not.

oops
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Bob_Scopatz
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God really likes spring cleaning -- now with tornadic action!
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Dan_raven
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When God said that "no Idol" thing, he was specifically referring to American Idol.

God has special plans for "Reality Show Producers". He thinks they are degrading the brand name.

God loves to play D&D, but everybody always wants him to DM.

God is the answer to the eternal question--Wassssup?

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The Rabbit
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God thinks that if you absolutely can't avoid spewing out large amounts of greenhouse gases, you should excuse yourself and step outside the atmosphere first
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JonnyNotSoBravo
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God believes in separation of Church and State. Thatís why on His maps those two streets always run parallel.

God is a little sad that no one ever says, ďHey God, youíre right!Ē and acts surprised. Everyone just kind of takes His Word as Gospel.

God is a fashion designer. Heís always a little miffed that so many people donít take His advice not to wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of material.

God thinks that cloth is like whiskey - blended is crap!

God is one size fits all, but sometimes people donít wear Him well.

Most people donít know that God gets the hiccups during a certain time of the year. We call it hurricane season. The reason it lasts so long is that the angels havenít figured out a way to scare God to make them go away.

Players hate it whenever God referees a basketball game because they can never argue the call. That's an important part of the game!

God laments that no one ever listens to the Oldies that He likes anymore. Stupid freewill!

God once created a true socialist country called the Garden of Eden, but some annoying little snake in the grass complained that it was a nanny state and ruined it for everybody.

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ClaudiaTherese
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JNSB!!!

God does not prefer any particular flavor of ice cream. He's small-"c" catholic that way. Also, he's a little afraid of Bob.

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Bob_Scopatz
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God was afraid until he learned that puns release endorphins. Just like chocolate.
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PanaceaSanans
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God wants you to want Hatrack again.
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Darth_Mauve
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God does not play dice with the universe, but he does play Yahtzee with Cthulhu.

When God plays D&D he rolls an Infinite sided dice--called Jupiter.

Being Omnipresent God has "got them all."

God calls Virtual Reality fanfic.

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Bob_Scopatz
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God says not to worry about global warming. It's just Jesus trying out his sous vide.
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Stone_Wolf_
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God doesn't mind the multiple threads about Him, he's an only child and used to the extra attention.
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Stone_Wolf_
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God fills in sudoku in ink, not that He is always right. When He gets it wrong, He just skips to the next one.
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Bob_Scopatz
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When God gets a sudoku wrong, he just changes the universe to make his answer the right one.
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