God brags incessantly to the other gods about his MP3 collection.

God walks around heaven naked.

God still can't microwave popcorn without burning it.

God is still kicking himself over that whole "down syndrome" thing.

God hates sequels, except for Second Corinthians, Terminator 2, and Rocky IV.

God does not approve of "messing around" with branding irons.

God stopped reading the Bible after Exodus, but he wants to get around to finishing it.

God can breakdance like nobody's business.

God never has that one little hair that sticks up.

God is still jealous of that guy who writes the songs that make the whole world sing.

God has incredibly low self-esteem, dispite his legions of adoring fans.

God hates it when he gets that one little piece of popcorn stuck between his teeth.

Even God doesn't know how to set the clock on his VCR.

God is rather lazy, sometimes he pretends he isn't home when his personal trainer shows up.

God doesn't like it when no one tells him that he has something stuck between his teeth all day.

God has a huge collection of discount cards and consequently hasn't paid full price for anything in millennia.

God has yet to see a rebate program that works.

God prefers the mellow sound of tube amplifiers to solid state.

God thinks Michael Jackson should stop whining about his deal with Sony and get back to writing music you can dance to.

God thinks Michael Jackson should stop grabbing his crotch and leave his skin color alone, darnit!

God thinks the whole Tarzan story stretches credulity.

God really like origami paper cranes. He wishes He'd thought of them.

God wishes man would learn to control the weather so he'd quit complaining about it already.

God has a really good explanation for nipples on male squirrels.

God knows whether Evolution is a theory or not.

God thinks the speed limit should be lowered through the double "S" curve on County Road 545.

God gets a laugh out of politicians who call themselves the "education ____________" (governor, president, whatever).

God doesn't like the term "yard waste."

God actually started the plagues on Egypt with millions of snails, but they got there too late.

God would like to apologize to the American continent's original settlers for that whole "Columbus thing." He was owed a favor.

God admitted that lightning is really the result of a mistake in some basic calculations. He was going to correct that flaw but liked the fear and awe it earned him.

God says that "Coulomb's Law" is really His.

quote:

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God does not approve of "messing around" with branding irons.

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This one has become one of my all-time favorites.

Despite my earlier claims, it was, in fact, God who invented the french kiss.

God likes his eggs "over medium".

God tried to stop Kevin Costner from filming "Waterworld".

God is glad that the chihuahua has finally gotten the respect it deserves.

The more we keep talking about it, the more tempted God is to invent the one-man rain cloud.

God still maintains that he had nothing to do with the whole "Red Sea" business.

God believes man has not made enough of his free will, but has made more than enough Free Willy movies.

God knows free will is never free.

God tried moving in a non-mysterious way once, but it just wasn't him.

God is always looking for a pair of comfortable heels she can wear to formal occasions.

God prefers Tae Chi to rigorous calisthenics in the morning.

God prefer's lemon jello to lime, but likes the lime color better.

God does not think he's Bill Gates, but Bill...

God's favorite shirt reads "Red Sox SUCK!".

God wears boxer briefs.

God messes with Texas.

God drinks his tequila chilled and his martinis without vermouth.

God thinks that, even though he had so much to do in so little time, there is no excuse for the San Andreas Fault.

God is sorry about the mosquito.

God has no fears, but really doesn't enjoy tight places.

God considers himself a real People entity.

God will apologize for ticks when man apologizes for "The Tick" Live Action TV Series.
God switched to decaf ever since that whole Flood thing.

God enjoys "Sweet Child of Mine", but not the Sheryl Crow version.

God doesn't like Aerosmith anymore.

God bought the US's entire supply of the new 3-cent stamp...and He's still giggling.

God likes to see how many of us leave the tag on the mattress out of fear.

God knows that it's okay to insert the q-tip into the ear canal, but He's not going to blurt it out.

God always fills His ice cube trays.

God wonders why people buy so many different kinds of meat. He used the same "chicken" flavoring for everything.

God does not like the word "midget", except in the phrase "midget porn". It's the only word that works.

God is left-handed, but can never seem to find the correct scissors.

No one but He was amused when He put the "No Vacancy" sign on Heaven's gates as a joke.

Don't let priests and prophets fool you. The only way He manifests himself is through the "Check Engine" light.

God likes the infield fly rule, but He's still undecided concerning the DH.

God doesn't know where the Southern accent came from, but He does not like it.

God has been banned at every casino in Vegas.

Everytime scientists think they have found the smallest particle, God cuts it in half.

God and Bill Gates are in talks about using His image as the Microsoft Assistant, but He's not happy with the royalties.

God likes NSync, but isn't proud of it.

God gets a little tired of being told to d**m someone. He would like to be asked politely for a change.

God gets a real kick out of Silly String.

God doesn't like spiders, but he pretends he does in front of all the guys.

God and St. Peter used to have foot races, but St. Peter kept giving up when God played the omnipresence card.

God thought about getting a tattoo, but then reconsidered, those things last forever.

The IRS tried to make God pay back-taxes, but they gave up due to locust infestation.

Back in the 70s, God changed the Angel uniform from white robes to Rhinestone Jackets and platform shoes - just goes to show you His wisdom isn't always infinite.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

In the dark? Follow the Son.

If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

And a little bit rock and roll

And a little bit Gregorian Chant

And a little bit Japanese Noh Theater

But his in not even the tiniest bit Disco

God is not a cat person. That's just a rumor started by the cats.

God enjoys Sesame street so much he has considered making a real "Big Bird", but is afraid it would end up as nuggets in a fast food franchise.

He's also considered the Snuffelupagus. Mainly because he likes saying Snuffelupagus.

God thinks the words Hufflepuff is so funny, he made the entire Harry Potter thing take off just to hear people say it.

God would manifest herself as a female more often, but she just can't get used to walking in heels.

When God gets athlete's foot, the whole world itches.

God considered replacing harps with electronic senthysizers, but realized he'd need an amp as large as Mars.

PS If you do not like us using God in this silly way, feel free to replace "God" with "Orson Scott Card" in any of these sayings. I'm sure he won't mind.

God enjoys getting to 3 pages of posts.

God tries not to come off as a big know-it-all, but sometimes He just can't help it.

God never understood the appeal of Frankenberry and Count Chocula, or what their supposed rivalry was all about.

As a prank, God once gave Poseidon a bad case of swimmer's ear.

When he plays pool, God usually clears the table on the break.

God really likes those souvenirs where they make a face out of a coconut, with straw hair and painted on lips.

Not even God can get a postcard sent to the US from South America.

God recently switched ISPs so he could get past the moderators on a certain BB he likes to flame.

God and Jesus have formed a wrestling team in preparation for Armageddon, which will be broadcast on TNN under the WWF banner.

God brought Mary's uncorrupted body into Heaven, but now they don't know what to do with it.

God thinks a theft from your government is a theft from you!

God is pretty sure that torpedos sink ships better than loose lips, but he hasn't tried the experiment.

God thinks that, on most days, a false sense of security is all that stands between us and anarchy!

God sometimes visits grocery stores just to fill up on free samples.

God would like everyone to know that there have been far fewer virgin births than some have claimed.

God would've come down to Earth at the millennium, but they couldn't arrange a cool enough vehicle to top the pope-mobile.

God was always jealous of Zeus and Odin's names -- that's why kept his name a secret for so long.

God didn't let Jesus play with Play-Doh anymore after that platypus incident.

Even God can't explain where or when cell phones lose their signal.