posted
Even though God doesn't have to wear a helmet when He rides His Harley, He does anyway because He knows it makes Him look cool.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
God knows its not the slacks that makes her butt look big.
God doesn't care what the plural of the Platapus is.
God has considered redecorating heaven, but he doesn't know where to store all the clouds.
God once made a Pizza with EVERYTHING on it. It was FREAKIN HUGE MAN!!
God prefers Grey Poupon, but is afraid he will appear snobbish if he asks for it.
God is an Iron. If a person who commits a felony is a felon and a person who commits bigotry is a bigot, then God is an Iron. {Quote from Spider Robinson}
posted
God knows its not the slacks that makes her butt look big.
God doesn't care what the plural of the Platapus is.
God has considered redecorating heaven, but he doesn't know where to store all the clouds.
God once made a Pizza with EVERYTHING on it. It was FREAKIN HUGE MAN!!
God prefers Grey Poupon, but is afraid he will appear snobbish if he asks for it.
God is an Iron. If a person who commits a felony is a felon and a person who commits bigotry is a bigot, then God is an Iron. {Quote from Spider Robinson}
posted
God thinks his new portable mp3 player is really neat and doesn't necessarily preclude his existence.
Posts: 8741 | Registered: Apr 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
God thinks that if he were doing it all over again, he'd make sea urchins a little less smug.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
"I suppose you're all wondering why you're here...HA! I've always wanted to say that. Seriously, folks...I just flew in from Heaven, and BOY are my wings tired!"
God has been given the hook.
I'll bet God's women NEVER fake orgasms.
God gets great cell phone reception, but He always has to pay roaming charges.
God is not sure whose dumb idea it was to put handicapped parking spaces in Heaven, but He still doesn't park there.
God agrees that the Olsen twins are going to be hot when they grow up, and He says, "You're welcome.".
God looks at pictures of Himself and thinks, "That hairstyle! That was SO totally Exodus.".
God is actually a redhead with a flattop and a handlebar moustache.
God's favorite pasttime is moving pieces of furniture just enough for people to stub their toes.
God sometimes wonders what is wrong with people...He still LOVES his Pogo Ball.
God is not quite sure what His greatest idea was-sliced bread, the wheel, or the tuna fish sandwich.
God always laughed when he heard "The Devil Went Down To Georgia". Until, that is, he lost his platinum electric guitar in a duel with Eddie Van Halen.
posted
God would like to point out that tofu does not, in fact, taste like sh*t. He distinctly remembers using cotton, paste, and rock salt flavorings.
Though God made Man in his own image, he likes to whip up a bat-boy or a pair of Siamese twins every once in a while.
God WILL show himself someday, if only to show Michael Jackson the proper way to do the Moonwalk.
God was going to put out a swimsuit calendar until the photographer told him that his lack of a bellybutton was "Just too creepy for some folks".
God rarely second-guesses himself, but he just KNEW he should've made Brittney Spears a mute.
posted
God wishes, just once, that Adam would shut up about how original his sin was. Heck, Eve did all the work anyway and you don't hear her going on about it!
God let his attention lapse once, for just a minute, and that's how television was born.
God came this close to creating a special place in hell for guys who wear socks with sandals.
God sometimes wishes there really was a Santa Claus.
Every once in a while, just for giggles, God turns up the stereo and greets new arrivals with Elvis' Return to Sender.
When God and Jonah walk together, God puts on his shirt that says "I'm with stupid --->". It's their little in joke.
God had the Mongol hordes burn the library at Alexandria just to avoid a fine on an overdue scroll.
God went to Disney World once, but all those animatronic Presidents just freaked Him out.
posted
God thinks that joke about Jesus being a "cross dresser" is in particularly poor taste. Although the first time he heard it, he chuckled a bit before smiting the person who said it. He felt guilty about the chuckling later...
God has a hard time remembering who Tuesday is named after.
When God gets mildly peeved at a people, He sometimes plagues them with a rash that clears up in about 24 hours.
God was a HUGE Bullwinkle fan. All through the 60's and 70's He used to invoke each miracle with "Nothin' up my sleeve...Presto!"
God has recently instituted a policy that requires all new applicants to beat St. Peter in a jai alai match before gaining entrance into Heaven.
God knows what became of Sinead O'Connor.
God fully endorses the concept of strategic napping.
posted
God got up early this morning and baked you a special treat. Did you find it yet? He's a little worried because He forgot to punch air holes in the box.
God really likes fountains as a decorating motif. Although He does admit that maybe Niagra Falls is a bit over the top.
posted
God didn't create whales so people could fuel their lamps. He had to give Edison a push or two just so there'd be whales left over to fulfill their real purpose -- 3 shows a day at SeaWorld.
posted
God would like to apologize to all of you whose prayers have gone unanswered recently. It appears the cat was playing with the answering machine buttons again. Sorry. Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
God created a strict hierarchy of sentient beings. God is on top, then the variousl levels of angels. Then Cats. Then people. Way, way, way down the line are Dogs. They are somewhere near Litter Box Repairmen and Politician.
God Created cows to give us Milk and Cheese. He gave us Men to milk the cows.
Got created mice and small birds to keep us from getting bored.
God created relaxing in the afternoon. Cat's just mastered it.
Even God is not sure if a purr is a prayer, or an answered prayer.
posted
bumping this thread and also posting a poem I wrote that I always think of when I read this sacralicious thread *grin*
"Big Hair Means You're Closer to God".--k.d. Lang
poem by Jen Edwards
My Aunt Leoder says that God sees everything you do and knows everything you're thinking. Uh oh.
My Uncle Earl says that God is in the bottle of whiskey by his dresser near the drawer he won't let us into.
My Momma says God is in the pulpit with the preacher every Sunday and in the plastic glow-in-the-dark Jesus on the toilet tank at Grandma Booey's.
My Daddy says God is in the TV with the Dallas Cowboys in the play offs and sometimes Jesus Christ is in his big toe when he stubs it on the coffee table
My big brother says he don't know where God is, but the Devil's in the woodshed in the dark behind the shovels.
Grandma Frankie says God is in the flowers, and the soft ears of puppies, and the aerosol cans in Maxine's Beauty Shop, and I like that one best of all.
posted
God supports the open source movement but he isn't ready to release the Universe's kernel yet---I mean look at how we've messed up the whole dna thing.
God is a bit cheesed with Moses at the moment because whenever they play golf Moses wants to get a cart--even if it's only for 9 rounds.
God hates palindromes. They're creepy.
If God had known how great tongues were going to be, he maybe would've put more thought into their aesthetic qualities.
God gets pretty tired of receiving messages written out in calligraphy--block lettering is just fine.
Once at a cocktail party, God kept challenging guests to a duel with shrimp forks. Nobody would take him up on it so he ate the entire Meditteranean platter (God likes hummus) and spit the olive pits in the punch bowl.
posted
God has vowed never to destroy the world by flood again, but He reserves the right to lower all the land to below sea level.
God thinks he looks a little too stern in the Sistine Chapel ceiling. He'd like a few less wrinkles in his brow and maybe a Mona Lisa smile. Is that too much to ask?
posted
God doesn't mind Mondays. He had a worse day planned to come before Monday. It was called Felderwingle, but God dropped it bacause it really sucked.
God enjoys a good MLT, you know, mutton lettuce and tomatoe, when the mutton is good and lean and...
God created the Universe in six days, and rested on the seventh. He did not go to Disney World on the seventh, though he thinks now, that might have been fun.
God is a better shot with the lightning bolt than Zeus, and boy does that burn Zeus's Bakalav.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
