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After so many millennia, God has finally decided to retrofit angels with stainless steel wings. Heaven is like 2 ft. deep in lost angel feathers and He's quoted as saying "Enough Already!"
God tricked Zeus into making Achilles have an Achilles heel.
God stopped holding barbeques in Heaven because Joan of Arc was having flashbacks again.
God created the oceans depths using a giant pogo stick. The Marianas Trench was the result of an unfortunate spill early on in the process when God wasn't so sure of his pogoing abilities as he is today.
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Now that I know God is jive I have an answer to the one question that's long haunted me: Jive - should you dig it?
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God is surprised that no one's yet figured out that if you put an earwig and a duck-billed platypus together, you get infinite free energy and faster than light travel!
Come on, fellas! How difficult can that one be to figure out!?!
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God ordered all the stars in the Universe to blink off for about 15 milliseconds one evening in 1947. Then He realized no-one would notice because the "lack of light" would reach Earth at hugely different times. He was heard to say "Nuts!" when informed of this slip-up.
God laughs when people on Earth wonder if there is sentient life elsewhere. As if there is sentient life there either!
God was about to destroy the Earth but changed His mind after tasting a Garlic-stuffed olive from Santa Barbara, CA.
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I don't know about God, but I need some time off to read something that makes me giggle, so this gets bumped.
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God thinks the phrase "wishing doesn't make it true" is silly, because for Him, it does.
If mankind is really bad, God will pull the planet over to the side of the universe and makes us all get off.
God never wonders why everybody can't just all get along with each other. It was a prerequisite for all His favorite talk shows.
God does wonder if everyone's going to be mad when they find out they're all going to hell for not following the three commandments Moses forgot.
God's shower radio tunes in to all the people singing in the shower.
Sometimes when God sees silly things like the Macarena, He regrets giving man freewill.
God made dirt, so dirt don't hurt - unless you mix with really hard dirt called rock.
God thinks that one downside to being infallible is that He's surrounded by "yes" men.
God thinks the key to His success is believing in Himself. That, and a good sense of humor.
God put term limits on people called lifespans, but doesn't let them know they can serve more than one for fear they'd spend all their time campaigning.
God doesn't mind when people play "god", because He got to play "man" and turnabout is fair play.
Frisco wrote on July 25, 2002 03:44 PM
quote:Don't let priests and prophets fool you. The only way He manifests himself is through the "Check Engine" light.
Which means that my auto mechanic is the Antichrist. This explains a lot about my bill...
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When God speaks, everybody listens - as long as He does it in that big, booming voice that inspires fear and awe.
God once made the perfect brownie, but then He ate it and everything else tasted like crap after that.
God likes long, romantic walks on the beach, but hey, doesn't everybody?
God is omniscient, but sometimes purposely forgets things so He can still experience surprise.
God advertises a lot, but people don't seem to be getting the message. Maybe if He made His commercials funnier...
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God has yet to set the time on his VCR. Oh, he knows how to do it. Its just not worth the hassle.
God is confused when those "holier than thou" types talk down to him.
God mad a Rubiks cube the size of a small planet. Unfortunately the stickers wouldn't stay on in the vaccum of space.
They tried to kick God out of Vegas, saying he counts cards at the blackjack table. When every slot machine in Vegas hit all winners all at once, the Casino owners changed their minds.
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God was going to make a giant inflatable Jesus for his Son's birthday, but decided that some people might think the Rapture was happening. The holidays are crazy enough without that.
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God admits it, He's a bit of a glory hog. But every time he tries to share the limelight, the other person just lets it go to their head.
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To the best of his recollection, God has never once asked someone to risk a snake bite as proof of their faith. The symbolism is just too much.
God thinks that the concept that each human has his or her ONE perfect mate is just ridiculous. In fact, there is a number between 0 and infinity of "pretty good" mates for each of us and that's all the guarantee He's willing to provide. The rest is up to us.
God and Nietzsche were both surprised when he made the cut. Now they spend hours every day just glowering at each other, shaking their heads and mumbling "I can't frequin' believe it!"
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God sat around one day not too long ago and thought, hmmm, kick-ass (in a nice way, of course) celibate-by-choice woman of the cloth with the most lovely personality around and recently divorced newly-Texan engineer with a background in psychology and a wicked sense of humor. Sure, why not?
But God only plays matchmaker if you don't ask him to. So stop bothering him and go pester CT.
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God was getting ready to punish Bob for this thread but then he came up with an idea that was a lot more fun for everyone involved.
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God wishes that people were as passionate about giving to the poor as they are about Mel Gibson's latest movie.
The problem with being everywhere at once is that God never has any privacy.
Sometimes when God is reviewing someone's life He just skips to the last scenes to see how it ends.
In God's deli, the meat is sliced so thin you can use it to cut the sandwiches in two.
Sometimes God likes to sit in on jam sessions with great rockers like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Elvis and Buddy Holly. God plays a mean tambourine.
God likes to show off His rare but incomplete Beatles collection. He has Paul and Ringo on order, but the longer they stay down there the more they increase in value.
God likes to paint with photons rather than watercolors or oils. That way He's not as limited by the medium.
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God's still waiting for royalties from the movie. Actually, he's more likely to get them out of Mel than out of some of the other movie producers out there.
Everytime PotC is played, God winces at all the violence, looks down at jr, and says "Sorry about that."
God thought the whole "Stargate" thing was silly when the movie came out, but now that the series has been going a while, he's considering making some of those gates, just to get the neet Wooooosh effect.
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quote: God likes to show off His rare but incomplete Beatles collection. He has Paul and Ringo on order, but the longer they stay down there the more they increase in value.
Pirates of the Caribbean and Passion of the Christ have the same initials. Heh.
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(Someone beat me to it... Was going to say God was rewarding the best senses of humor in a new way, by instigating his "Date Our Employee of the Month" club).
Sorry, I'm still giddy for Bob and dkw... just makes me happy to see two great folks find something even greater between em.
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Flavor of the Month dates Employee of the Month...
Even God hates those candy assortments where you can't tell what's inside until it's too late...and He already KNOWS what's inside.
God was really proud the day that humans invented the wheel, but He's really ticked that we ran over His favorite armadillo last week.
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God tries very hard not to say "I told you so," but really, He could see this mess coming for at least a millennium.
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If God mandated Flavor of the Month Dates Employee of the Month, and if the flavor happened to be Date flavor, would this make a double date?
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God thinks melting cheese is the best use for heat he ever came up with He's sorry about the whole lactose intolerant thing. If he had known how could quesadillas were going to be, he wouldn't have allowed evolution to develop that particular problem. And while he admires the vegans for keeping their bodily temples clean, he still wonders sometimes what the heck they eat.
God updated his wardrobe once and started wearing suits and ties. But then he kept loosing the stays for his dress shirts and he didn't look quite so sharp with the ends of his collars curling every which way so he went back to the classic white robe. Where do you buy replacement stays, anyway? Nowhere. And don't get God started on cufflinks.
God can't remember how that whole omniscience thing got started, but... Oh, wait. Hold on a sec. God's publicity manager is saying something in his earpiece. Ummmmmm. Okay. God has no comment on the whole omniscience thing. God will not be taking any further questions at this time.
God watches American Idol even though he thinks it comes pretty close to violating the 2nd commandment. He was asked to be a guest judge, but he declined because he didn't want to be confused with Simon and vice versa.
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God doesn't really have any good dating advice. Let's face it, if you're omnipotent you can pretty much get anyone you want.
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Ironically, being omnipotent means not really wanting anyone at all, and having babies without ever having sex.
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Sometimes, during Genesis, God created something and it was bad, but He never chose to inspire anyone to write about THAT.
The real reason there are no women writers in the Bible is that every time God tried to inspire a woman to write, she'd get pregnant. It's called the Zeus effect.
God really did make women out of sugar and spice and everything nice, but then the animals found out and started using them as seasoning which destroyed the peace between mankind and the animal kingdom.
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God created mosquitoes to remind everyone how irritating blood sucking parasites can be. The televangelists still don't get it, though.
When someone says, "Cry me a river," God can.
God's not a made man but He is a wise guy. If you're sorry for offending Him though, most of the time He'll fuhgeddaboutit.
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God made a mouse roar, but really it was just a .wav file and a kick-@ss sub-woofer.
God confesses to being a little concerned about how humans will treat the first species they meet from another solar system. Frankly, God's a little tired of our propensity to either put everything in our mouths, or have sex with it and most sentient species don't take kindly to either approach. At least not on the first date.
God isn't usually one to take sides in these things, but Billy really did have the remote first and he called it way outside the house, which wasn't against the rules at the time he did it. there's an anotation in the file to that effect.
God thinks that anyone who believes there are just five senses is missing at least half the fun.
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