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God comes in one size and fits all, but He hasn't changed His style in millenia. He's very retro.
God sees dead people.
Freud had a field day when he got God on the couch. "You mean to say that according to the Catholic tradition of the trinity, you got your own mother pregnant and let yourself, who is also your father, be killed? This is the mother of all Oedipal complexes!"
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God thinks it's a scream that people are only now realizing that in a fit of whimsy he had the Anti-Christ ghost-write the book of Revelation.
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Contrary to popular belief, Mary's last words to her son were not, "Just wait until your father gets home."
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God was mildly miffed when Jesus and the disciples posed for a souvenir portrait at the Last Supper.
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God does not need any more ties, though He does look good in just about anything.
God is working on bringing world peace to a neighborhood near you. Arriving Christmas two thousand...um...something...maybe...free will is difficult to work with, okay?!
God knows who's been naughty and who's been nice. And, no, not naughty in that way, Mrs. Silverman. Shame on you!
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God thinks the Alastair Sim version of "A Christmas Carol" is the best one. Except he cannot figure out what the maid was saying on the stairway when Scrooge gave her the raise.
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God would like to correct one little thing. Yes, it's still better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. Unless you smell gas. In that case you should get the heck out and dial 911, darkness be damned!
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God's angel foodcake is actually made with real angels, but He tells everyone it's just made by angels, with a secret ingredient added.
God wants us all to know that we're completely screwed if He gets Alzheimer's.
God will NOT help you win the lottery to ease the debt caused by your reckless spending. However, He WILL make sure that gravity doesn't get turned off suddenly causing us all to fly off the Earth at one thousand miles per hour. It's about priorities, people!
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When God does the chicken dance, everyone does the Chicken dance, including all the chickens.
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God has tough mandatory sentencing. You're going to hell FOREVER if you screw up, with no time off for good behavior! He's a big ballbuster when you think about it.
God must be really bored because He has everything, can do anything, and knows everything. He's probably just up in Heaven practicing his new Yo-Yo tricks.
God wants everyone to know that when your dog licks himself and then licks your face, it's a "hygiene sin".
God has no idea why your dog would eat another dog's poop, either.
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God almost didn't celebrate Christmas one year to protest the commercialization of it, but Jesus got mad and made Him feel guilty about the Crucifixion.
God wants YOU for God's Army! Just kidding - He's an Army of One.
You don't ever want to invite God over for dinner. He acts like you tried really hard to create a good meal, but you just know that He thinks He could do better.
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For God so loved the world that He gave us His only recipe for chili. And we made the chili. And it was GOOD.
God is not a watchmaker, but He does love to wind people up, especially that Job fellow.
God used to go see horror movies a lot, but people would get mad when He would say "Be not afraid" during all the scary parts.
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God's on Goody's <bleep>list today. God took a coworker away from his family this weekend. Said coworker's daughters are roughly the same age as Goody's daughters.
(and being somewhat selfish: now Goody has to try and cover parts of said coworker's job until a replacement can be hired)
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God says that ye shall have no other threads before the God threads. Avert your eyes, Last Post Thread posters!
God says that the twoGod threads are actually just one thread. See, it's all part of this thing called the Holy Binary...
God thinks that talking about the God threads in a God thread is very postmodern, but swears He isn't a pomo.
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God has an incredibly fast internet connection, and almost no download time for even the biggest files, but God still insists he's not into Porno.
God likes it when people say that Love is the most powerful force in the Universe, but he knows its third, following himself and Stupidity.
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1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top. 17. No record of working well with colleagues.
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Sometimes God googles Himself to see how often He's mentioned, but half of those results are referring to somebody else.
God really appreciates all the religion threads on internet forums. There's no such thing as bad publicity.
Every once in a while God worries about having a big ego. Then He remembers that He's perfect so it doesn't matter.
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God likes to see old threads about him bumped, but he would never admit this on a forum.
God would never send spam or chain emails...even the really cute ones. Chain emails are right out.
God's garage is always clean, and never has dried up leaves left over from the previous season's yardwork.
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Your unmistakeable style and creative genius. That and a little birdy, or maybe a cherub, I couldn't quite tell since the light wasn't that good, told me.
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God would like to apologize for all the problems associated with human sinus passages. There was a better design, but it would've left us with much larger frontal lobes and everyone agreed that'd be too dangerous. Sorry.
Upon meeting God for the first time, every single one of the Patriarchs were compelled to ask where that bit about "created in God's own image" came from, to which God merely shrugged and said "eh, poetic license."
God is with us always. Unless you lose your driver's license. Then you're on your own. Not even God can help you with the DMV. Besides, every time God goes in there, it seems like its the bad hair day from Hell, and the picture makes him look like some kind of omnicorpulent criminal.
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God stays home on Saturday nights because Sunday mornings are His busiest time. He watches a movie and then turns in early.
God is a little distressed by the number of people to whom he gave acting talent that have ended up in politics. He thinks they've missed the point; he gave that talent so that he'd have something good to watch on Saturday nights!
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God is impossible to buy presents for. Not only does he already have everything, he's impossible to surprise.
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When asked what surprised Him most about humankind, God replied, "Their infinite capacity to laugh at fart jokes."
Remember all those times when you promised to devote yourself to God if He got you out of that jam? Well, it's time to pay up!
God thinks it sucks to be a know-it-all. Everyone constantly asks you questions and then it's nothing but work, work, work all the time!
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God thinks the phrase, "Absolute Power corrupts Absolutely" is nonsensical, and will smite with a vengeance, anyone who dares disagree with him.
God enjoys a good smiting now and then, but who doesn't.
God gets upset with the people who think they are all "holier than thou". Face it. They aren't holier than him.
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God never cheats at cards, he's just really really good at reading people.
God always raises on a pair of tens or better.
God's Ipod has -every- song on it, but he only listens to half of them.
God went through this "hippy" phase in the '60s and wore toe rings for nearly 3 years.
God is undecided if Pepsi or Coke is better, he's more of a Sprite guy.
God watches the Olympics every year.
God's garden is covered in little porcelain garden gnomes, which he has individually named.
God likes to smile at babies for hours at a time.
God once had a baseball card collection, but he put the cards into the spokes of his bike so they would make that *thwap thwap thwap* sound when he rode.
God wears fuzzy bunny slippers around the house.
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