posted
So although I had to work way longer than I was supposed to today, I did get a call from one of the counselors, asking my advice/opinion on some music industry-related things.
It's so weird. Apparently, I actually get to be the EXPERT. Which feels strange because it all comes pretty easily to me.
Anyways, hopefully I can start working with my first client soon.
There's this girl who lives in the house next door to my building who seemed really cool. I met her boyfriend before her; he and I went to the movies, and then when I got sick and had to go to the hospital and was all shot up with phenergan, he drove me. And she came along when he picked me up, which is how I met her.
So a few weeks ago, she and I hung out. We seemed to get along really well, y'know? And she met my boyfriend. Except that since then, she hasn't even bothered to return a text message. She knows I read her blog, and she's made these blog posts about how much it annoys her that no one ever calls to talk to her.
And I read it, and I'm thinking, I've done that. Many times. But apparently I am no one because she never responds to any of my attempts to contact her.
It upsets me. Why can't people just me up-front and direct? I was talking with my new therapist about this...I have a tendency and a desire to be really honest and direct with people, but it seems like every time I am, they don't believe me, perhaps because it's not too common a trait among 21-year-old women.
I just get so annoyed by feeling like I have to decode what everyone says to me. And what they say in action form vs. what they say in word form. I don't get it. I really don't get it at all. I feel like I don't know how to communicate with anyone, even though my whole communication method is, "Let's put all our cards on the table and see where we stand."
I've been feeling really drawn towards being involved with a specific faith once more. Particularly, I've been feeling that I need to attend a Friends (Quakers) meeting.
I had a dream earlier this week when I was half awake and half asleep.
I really, really want to go to the meeting tomorrow, but every time I say that I end up chickening out. I want someone to come with me, but I don't know anyone who'd be willing to do so. So I really need to just suck it up and go, but I'm nervous.
posted
Go. It's a valuable experience, especially if you've never been to a meeting of Friends before.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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I've only been to one meeting, but my impression was that Friends' are allergic to proselytizing, but very aware that they need more people. So, at worst you'll sit in silence for an hour, get to talk to some really friendly people afterwards, who won't say it directly, but will make it very clear that you are welcome to come any time you like.
Friends put talking about things front and center in their faith, so I think you'll fit right in if you go.
The thing that shocked me the most about the Friends' service was how, how to say this, plainly dressed all the attendants were. I mean, like, flip-flops, t-shirts, jeans, that kind of thing.
You can impress the Friends by knowing something about George Fox.
I need to go visit the Friends again. Thanks for reminding me, pH. Posts: 13123 | Registered: Feb 2002
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But my boyfriend called, and now he wants to go as well. Which will make it easier. It just sucks that he'll be a bit late for work and will have to leave the second the meeting ends.
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I'm having a heart attack because the sexual harassment plumbers moved my bed and didn't move it back like I asked. So now my bed is in the wrong place and DIRTY, and I can't sleep in it. So I'm sleeping on the sofabed, which is dirty as well, but not as dirty as the bed because I can't really explain why since the plumbers sat there but I'm not going to think about it too hard so that I don't end up sleeping on the floor.
*deep breath*
I found out why our director has been kind of hard on me. Turns out, the other grad student is leaving in December. Which leaves me as The Boss(tm), or the closest thing to a boss around here. And I didn't really get any training in anything because of our being so understaffed, so...
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It's too heavy for me to move. Sometimes I can halfway kind of use all my weight to pull it away from the wall when I need to get to something, but I have a lot of trouble moving it back. I don' tthink it's really the weight so much as the feet getting stuck on the carpet. But then I get all frustrated and upset becuase it's out of place and I can't fix it...I threw a crazy fit last night over that. And I just get really distraught. Like if I'm trying to find something and it's been moved, I have panic attacks sometimes. And the thing is, I need to organize my bedroom, but I can't until the bed is back where it needs to be because otherwise all organization will be in vain.
Edit: I'm realizing that it's easier to pull than to push simply because of the angle of the force on the feet of the bed. So I probably can't push the bed back to where it needs to be (in a corner), which means I at least need another person to help lift it up and move it.
posted
I'm supposed to start doing exposure stuff this week. Where you pick out the underlying fear and the things that make you anxious about that fear, and you work your way up from the smallest anxiety to the biggest.
This week: go to a drugstore and look at a baby congratulations card while breathing normally. And I can't do any rituals related to it. Or I have to try. I'm allowed to do tapping rituals, but nothing else, and only if I absolutely have to.
I'm very nervous about this whole thing. But I kind of have to do it; there's a woman in my class who's very pregnant to the point that I can no longer just pretend that she's overweight. Being in the same room as her is torture. Since I have the day off work and am sick, I've decided to spend the day cleaning and organizing. The front room is looking much better. My room is a disaster area.
On the plus side, my boyfriend fixed my bed for me last night, so I can sleep in it again. Although I really need to sort my clothes.
Anyways, I guess now this is going to turn into the "pH tries exposure therapy and subsequently has eight heart attacks" thread. What I'm most worried about is that I'm just going to end up replacing one ritual with another. That would be terrible and counterproductive, but I don't know how to stop it.
posted
You know that the zombies are going to smell you coming a mile away with your brains exposed that way.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Well, technically none of them were ever diagnosed as ulcers because I wouldn't let anyone do exploratory surgery for the first one. That was three years ago. I started vomiting uncontrollably, so they took me to the ER and gave me lots of delicious intravenous drugs and sent me home with ultracet and anti-nausea meds and muscle relaxants.
Then in April, something similar happened, and I ended up drinking a lot of lidocaine. The urgent care clinic makes this lidocaine cocktail with Mylanta and painkillers and stuff, and it tastes weird but feels so good. They gave me Nexium.
Well, I threw up in the arts and crafts store last week, neon yellow vomit. I thought it was just stomach upset from the antibiotic they gave me for my ear infection, but the stomach feeling is still here...the same feeling as before, kind of an eating feeling all the time in my stomach, and a pain sort of in the spot where my rib cage divides. I periodically get these horrible waves of nausea, but so far I haven't thrown up again.
I read somewhere that this sort of thing really isn't ever caused by stress, but I don't know if I believe that.
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My therapist said something this week that made me notice a lot of thngs. Like how I've decorated my house for an eight-year-old. I mean, it's all bright colors and cheerful things...and a gumball machine.....and I have like ten stuffed animals, mostly in my bed. And I have the bajillion beanie babies that Michael gave me to keep me company after my surgery all lined up on top of the kitchen cabinet.
And I might not be able to pick up on a lot of social/nonverbal cues, apparently. Which might be part of the reason I have no friends here. That makes me really sad.
I'm decorating my house for the holidays. Well, starting to. I bought one of those lit garlands and some kitchen utensil stick-on hooks and hung it up over a doorway to test and see if the hooks will be a good thing to use. If they hold, I'm going to plug a bunch of garlands together and hang them around the living room.
But for some reason now, whenever new people set foot in my house, I'm convinced they have terrible diseases and are going to spread germs all over my things. *sigh*
On the plus side, I did manage to walk through the baby-spawn aisle at the drugstore a few times without doing any rituals!
Just noticed this thread, what with my infrequent hatrack visits.
Congrats on the graduation I didn't realize you had progressed that far, but I guess thats what comes of getting older... you move on to the next stage of your life.
Anyrate, just wanted to say I still love ya babe and looks like you are doing really well. Keep up the good work.
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
I think she means no friends where she lives.
I KNOW she has friends on hatrack. And she knows it, too. And she knows that I know that she knows. And now i'm ridiculous.
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
Yes, all of my friends are out of town friends that I have contact with 95% of the time through the Internet or phone.
HERE (locally) though, I don't have any trouble meeting people, but I have trouble keeping people around, which is a pattern that's really been going on for my entire life. People seem to like me more when they live far away and don't see me very often. Like Paulish, except he just likes me because I'm hawt. I mean, I have good friends in the music industry...who are only in town maybe a couple of times a year. My closest female friend right now lives in Tampa. We talk on the phone most nights, but we've really only hung out in person once.
quote:Originally posted by pH: Then in April, something similar happened, and I ended up drinking a lot of lidocaine. The urgent care clinic makes this lidocaine cocktail with Mylanta and painkillers and stuff, and it tastes weird but feels so good.
Thank goodness the clinic didn't screw up and use iocaine instead of lidocaine. You wouldn't have realized it until it was too late, what with the stuff being colorless and odorless, and dissolving instantly in liquid and all.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I found out that my parents haven't paid my doctor in over a month. I found this out when my doctor called to ask for his money.
Now, let me explain this: I am incapable of opening bills. Even if I already know it's a regular bill, and I know how much it's going to be, and I know it's not a big deal, I can't open them. I have anxiety attacks when I open bills. There is a huge box of unopened bills sitting next to my couch.
So anyways, now my parents are all angry about me calling them telling them that they owe the doctor money, and the doctor is wanting his money, and I'm stuck in the middle because it isn't my money to pay. And I realized that I'm going to be a burden on the people around me for the rest of my life, and that makes me so sad. I mean, if I end up with someone, he's going to have to deal with my anxiety attacks and help me with life and help pay my doctors. And I don't even know if I'll ever be able to have kids, and even if I did I wouldn't be able to take care of them anyway. And it's just really depressing. I'm never going to be cured. But then I start thinking well, they do brain surgery for this. But it's experimental and permanent. And maybe I'd be a compeltely different person or a stupid person. But then I think, maybe that would be better than carrying around all this guilt about what a leech I am. In conclusion, my life really sucks right now.
posted
The other alternative is to become massively rich, and hire someone to open your bills for you, as well as take care of all those other little details. That way you don't have to leech off your SO or your parents. Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:I realized that I'm going to be a burden on the people around me for the rest of my life, and that makes me so sad. I mean, if I end up with someone, he's going to have to deal with my anxiety attacks and help me with life and help pay my doctors. And I don't even know if I'll ever be able to have kids, and even if I did I wouldn't be able to take care of them anyway. And it's just really depressing. I'm never going to be cured. But then I start thinking well, they do brain surgery for this. But it's experimental and permanent. And maybe I'd be a compeltely different person or a stupid person. But then I think, maybe that would be better than carrying around all this guilt about what a leech I am. In conclusion, my life really sucks right now.
Welcome to the club.
I feel like crap a huge percentage of the time. Whether it's nausea & vomiting, cramps, joint pain, back pain, migraines, headaches, periods, or whatever, I'm constantly feeling like crap. I can't work anymore at any regular job because I feel too ill. I can't earn a living - I'm not capable at the moment. I can't have children, either. I'm at least a little bit crazy from all my childhood crap, but we won't go there. I'm fat. I'm not exactly any kind of prize, ya know?
But then Fahim came along and fell in love with me anyway, and even after I tell him all that stuff, he still wants to marry me. And now, three years later, he still hasn't changed his mind and loves me even more than before, and he still doesn't care if I never bring a penny into our family financial pot.
It actually is possible to be that screwed up and that damaged and still have love and respect and kindness from a spouse who'll stand by you. And don't tell me that you're worse than me - you're not. You may be worse in some areas, but I'm worse in others. We're all flawed. Every single human is flawed, no exceptions.
The trick to happiness in marriage (or any other long-term relationship) isn't in finding the perfect person - there's no such thing. The trick is finding the perfect person for you, the person who's package of strengths & weaknesses you can handle the best without it sending you over the edge.
Fahim's not perfect. He's a bit nuts himself. He's antisocial and a homebody and he's blunt and sarcastic and he's got all sorts of other flaws. BUT his flaws are compatible with me and don't bother me. I can handle his particular package of screwed-up-ness, just like he can handle mine. And his particular package of talents & strength & gifts, including his humour and sensitivity and kindness are perfect for me. What he sees in me, I have no idea. But my particular package is perfect for him, despite me thinking that no one would ever want me.
See, we both think we won. We both think we got the prize. That, despite all of our own faults.
Fahim and I are not unique in this, not by a long shot.
So, as hard as I know this is, relax and don't worry so much. It'll work out somehow.
Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
quid, your post was really encouraging to me.
And you know, I thought I'd found someone I could really talk to about things. But then during this past week, you know, Michael's been wanting me to talk more about my abusive ex and about OCD. And then he avoided the moving in subject for a few days, and finally last night he said that he doesn't think I'm ready to live with someone. And I get the impression that he thinks that because I still worry that he's going to move in here and turn mean, like my ex did when I let him stay with me white he was looking for a place when he moved here.
And now I feel like I can't trust him with those sort of things anymore. You know, just because I have a fear about something doesn't mean I'm not over the abuse. Yeah, it still has an effect on me. But it only effects me to the extent that I'm kind of jittery about this whole him moving in thing, and as a result, I kind of just want him to hurry up and do it, like ripping a band-aid off. It's not like I hate all men or think all men secretly want to beat women or even think HE wants to hurt me. And now he's worrying because he doesn't understand OCD either.
And I wish I'd never told him about either of those things. I feel a little betrayed that instead of just talking to me about his concerns, he went off and made a judgment about things that I'd told him and didn't even involve me. I thought we were to the point that...you know, that I could tell him things. I mean, we've been together for almost a year.
There's just all this pressure building up inside of me. I'm in so much pain inside, and now I don't feel like I can ever talk about it again with the person I love. I feel like I'm being suffocated by everything around me. I don't want him to think I'm a mental patient. I'm not crazy I'm not. I'm sick of everyone giving me That Look when I tell them about it, and I thought he would never be that way...I mean, he's known I have OCD since...we started seeing each other, and he's always been so patient...
Except the last thing he said when we spoke last night was that he would move in sometime this week. So now I don't know what's happening. Maybe he just said that so I wouldn't be so sad. But I feel like I've been punched in the chest.
Edit: That was a really weird typo. Thanks, crappy wireless keyboard.
posted
The people who love you don't consider a burden a burden.
Does that make sense?
Also, I don't know if this has already been brought up, but have you tried giving therapy (or, say, conversation) to people like yourself, only younger. Teens, say. I know don't know whether you could find people or would feel comfortable, but it's just a suggestion.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Maybe thinking of this development a desensitization process to difficulties that arise with living with someone would be a helpful perspective. He wasn't going to move in at the planned time, and now you are "feeling a real urge to inflict pain upon [your]self," right? But you aren't going through with that, and so you are dealing with the pain in other ways.
This pain most likely would have come up in trying to work through living together issues anyway, so it is good to develop a pattern and habits for dealing wiht it constructively, as you are. By delaying the move-in, you give yourself a chance to work with your therapist and develop healthy ways of dealing with those sorts of stresses. That's actually quite cool.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
It's so not cool. It means that when I try to talk to him about things, he decides that I'm incapable of making decisions for myself or having rational discussions about issues, so instead he makes the decision for both of us. That's crap.
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pH, now in rereading your last post, I see you edited out a part that I quoted. I had this "reply post" in an open window while I was doing other things (breakfast brunch at Chez CT), or I would have noticed before submitting.
Would you prefer I edit this out of my post, too? It was the part that sparked me thinking, but I'm happy to edit or delete as you feel most comfortable.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Is he making decisions for both of you, or is it that the decisions he makes for himself necessarily happen to affect both of you? (*not trying to challenge you or back you into a corner, just trying to see how you see it)
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quote:I thought we were to the point that...you know, that I could tell him things.
Pearce, the issue isn't that you can't tell him things; it's that you can't tell him things without having him think about them and reach his own conclusions. If you're looking for someone to whom you can tell things without getting responses, you want a teddy bear instead of a boyfriend.
Besides, you're just speculating about his reasons at this point, anyway. Why not just tell him, "Hey, I DO want you to move in, I DO think we're ready for it, and while I think it'll be hard for me to make the adjustment, I think in the end it's the best thing for me?" Telling US those things is fine, but telling HIM is more likely to produce the desired result. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Because I feel like he's already made the decision. He didn't really tell me that in a way like, "Well, I think we should get together and talk about if we're ready for this." It was, "I don't think we're ready for this because you're afraid I'm going to turn into a monster."
That's the thing...I don't mind him having reactions. I wish he would tell me what they were and ask me questions and stuff though before just...deciding things. I mean, he came with me to see my therapist last week, and he's supposed to come again on Tuesday, and the therapist said that this time she would talk to him more about what OCD is and explain it from an objective point of view. So I don't see why he had to go and decide now and not even talk to me first when he knows he's going to be able to get a lot more information in a couple of days.
And now I feel like if I talk him into moving in...that I'm dragging him into it.
posted
Make sure you tell him all the things you're telling us. Guys are, unfortunately, not so good at reading between the lines and figuring out non-verbal messages. Sometimes you have to tell us stuff, very blatantly, several different ways before we really understand.
That's the price you have to pay for having a studly dude around. Woman--> Man--> Posts: 3950 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Um, girls aren't so easy at reading between the lines and figuring out the non-verbal messages either. It's that there's a difference in communication styles, which, to me, means that you can't rely on expecting someone to just get it, you actually have to spell things out clearly, and you can't expect him to read your mind, either. You actually have to spell things out clearly.
And telling him that you need something or want something doesn't mean that, when he does it, it's not worth as much cuz he didn't figure it out on his own - it still has value because he knows that you need it and still does it.
But seriously, and I'm going to beat a dead horse over this, you have different communication styles. You really do. So, it really is necessary to spell things out incredibly clearly. If you don't, you'll forever have misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
Got it?
And pH, I'm glad that post helped. Posts: 8355 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I think there are a lot of people on this board, pH, who have had health and mental health issues as severe as yours who have found love. It happens, my dear.
Of course, this leaves the question open as to why someone perfect like myself hasn't found love, but oh, well. *sniff*
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Great news, pH!
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Sometimes I can halfway kind of use all my weight to pull it away from the wall when I need to get to something, but I have a lot of trouble moving it back. I don' tthink it's really the weight so much as the feet getting stuck on the carpet. But then I get all frustrated and upset becuase it's out of place and I can't fix it...I threw a crazy fit last night over that. And I just get really distraught. Like if I'm trying to find something and it's been moved, I have panic attacks sometimes. And the thing is, I need to organize my bedroom, but I can't until the bed is back where it needs to be because otherwise all organization will be in vain.![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
I mean, I have good friends in the music industry...who are only in town maybe a couple of times a year. My closest female friend right now lives in Tampa. We talk on the phone most nights, but we've really only hung out in person once.![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)
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