posted
So we had our usual argument, this time it was about how I dressed.
you see, there are 2 things I usually do I like being silly, so in public my shoes they have velcro straps so i like the wear thm loose as it gives the appearance of hvaing wings.
and today I was sinc eim at home wearing my belt rather loosely as I did not feel the need to wear it tight.
So we get in an argument, im arguing that if its the way I dress it is who I am, they do not ave the right to tell a 20 year old how to dress, they can give suggestions, but the decision is mine.
So it coems to the point where my dad says "no wonder your never going to get laid".
So all things being equal i told him to eff off.
He says "you have no right to speak to me that way"
I say "If you effing insult me I have evry right to tell you to eff off and where to effing shove it".
So he bunches me in the nose and my glasses go flying.
My other family members restrained me before I could finish the job.
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posted
Blayne, the one thing that I've learned is that I don't know everything. Maybe you need a good dose of that. Sounds to me like your father is sick of dealing with a little boy who should be acting like a young man. Get out of your parents house, not only for you...but for them. Maybe with some distance between you and them, it will give you a chance to grow, and them a chance to appreciate you. 'Cause right now it sounds like he's reached his boiling point.
And from the fact that no one else has commented on this post besides me, it seems like Hatrack has also. I doubt anyone here is going to say "Poor Blayne", as many here are parents, and grown people.
edit: Ok, no one but katharina....I hate being slow. Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Not so, Blayne. It may have been a bit uncomfortable, but I'm sure your dad is worried about your socialization, including girls. I think it was an odd way of saying "Clean yourself up so people see you in a better light."
Posts: 99 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Blayne, That may be true in principle, but you do live in their home, which means your "rights" don't amount to a whole lot.
Also, while I agree with the others that you need to move out asap, I sympathize with the fact that for you it's probably not nearly that simple - for a number of reasons, I'm sure.
You do need to start making plans to find another place to live, immediately, but in the meantime you need to avoid confrontation at all costs. If that means kissing up or compromising your "rights", then so be it.
Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jul 2005
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Not really. It was crude, I'm sure, but that doesn't matter. Stop focusing on your imagined wrongs and figure out how to move out of the house.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
At any rate, your father certainly had no right to hit you, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Your dad doesn't want you living there anymore, and since he's a total puss, he expresses that with his fists.
A better and more mature man would have gotten you off on your own by now, but since he is neither a better man nor a mature person he's making this all as dysfunctional as he can manage.
Which brings us to the second point, and that is that if you are still living in that house in two months, you are a fool. Maybe that could be said more politely but .. why? You need to be living elsewhere, as soon as possible. Get out. Go to where the work is. Do not be beholden to a troglodyte. There are very few ways that striking out on your own could be worse for you, barring a complete inability to be financially independent.
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Dude. If your father is so explicitly insulting you and punching you in the face, be a man and just MOVE.OUT.
Stop whining about him being 'out of bounds' or out of his 'jurisdiction', stop complaining about how unfair it was for him to say such a thing, and in fact, stop complaining about him punching you in the face (even though that WAS, in fact, way off and wrong), and MOVE.OUT.
If you don't-and it's not hard, no matter what you may tell yourself-think about what that really means about you.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote:Originally posted by katharina: You are too old to be living at home.
His age has nothing to do with it. Many, many kids live with their parents while they're still in school, and this is a wonderful thing for those who are lucky enough to have parents that are willing to give them every opportunity to get their life in order.
Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
If you are going to move out, you should at least apologize, and nothing says I'm sorry like a note made with a nice long piece of Duct tape and a Sharpie applied liberally to the back hair while he's sleeping.
But seriously, maybe some space would be a good thing, but who knows? I could only encourage you to take the first step towards reconciliation and make amends with your father.
For me personally, after being married and with 3 kids, I wish I could move back IN with my parents and cherish every day I get to spend with them now that I am older and they are subsequently quite old. My wife has a rift between herself and her father and herself and her mother, with her parents being divorced. Even if it is her parents' fault for creating a rift, she is still sad and depressed over not having a stronger relationship with them, and she envies mine with my parents in a certain way.
So please, all joking aside, be the bigger person and try to find a way to make peace. Maybe not now, maybe not for a few days or even a week, but take the time to see it through.
Posts: 1870 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
I'm about 65% sure this never happened. We got just about the same story about a year ago, with Blayne basically getting the same advice. The words probably happened, but I doubt the physical violence did.
Posts: 10177 | Registered: Apr 2001
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Uhh blayne what was that 'logbook' thing or whatever that was where he was trying to record everything you were doing every hour?
Posts: 15421 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Well, to be honest I'm a bit dubious about the post because it includes the part about the family having to hold him back to finish the job. I base that dubiousness on his own self-admitted lack of physical strength.
Even if it didn't happen, from what I can tell even without the violence it's a bad situation to be in. Stand up for yourself, Blayne, and MOVE OUT.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
I've not read the entire thread. So I may be duplicating.
Blayne, this is not the first time you've told us of a physical altercation between you and your father over your dress, your attitude, your choice in how to spend your money, etc. And I believe that every time, you have been told that so long as you live under their roof, you have to respect them and their rules. If you don't like living by their expectations, GET OUT.
Seriously, you're 20 years old and these threads make you look like you're about 12. If you want him to respect you, then you have to earn it. and that starts by showing him that you can be responsible and mature. Dress like an adult, get a decent job, pay your bills - and make your real bills a priority over computer games - speak to them with the respect they are due as your parents.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Yeah, if I'd spoken that way to my mother I would have been gone the next day, and not by MY choice.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Who cares how he dresses? But, it is a good idea to get out... There is college to consider, and other options. Living with parents is the worse, and punching your 20 year old son is unacceptable. As well as making a statement about getting laid...Respect goes both ways, but it is definetly time to leave the nest and have one, with various friends, where you can do as you please within reason.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
As well as swearing at your dad. That was completely unacceptable.
It's a bad situation all the way around. Get out, move out, get your own place. Look on Craig's list for someone who needs a roommate. Just move out of the house.
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Synesthesia: Who cares how he dresses?
Because society in general, and especially potential employers, make snap judgments about a person based on their physical appearance. Style and fit of clothing, overall cleanliness, the way they carry themselves. So it would benefit Blayne to dress appropriately as a matter of habit rather than having to *dress up* for work/school/etc., as being comfortable in wearing clothing appropriate to the situation does absolutely show up in body language.
Posts: 4515 | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
If he is paying his full due share of the expenses and the time involved in paying for and keeping up a house, then in my opinion his parents have no business telling him how to dress (and expecting that to be the rule), because he is an adult.
If, on the other hand, he ISN'T...well, then, he's still in the role of dependant child no matter what his years, and all bets are off. That's the price you pay for not being self-sufficient. Depending on others means being subject to their rules to some extent.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Synesthesia: Who cares how he dresses?
Because society in general, and especially potential employers, make snap judgments about a person based on their physical appearance. Style and fit of clothing, overall cleanliness, the way they carry themselves. So it would benefit Blayne to dress appropriately as a matter of habit rather than having to *dress up* for work/school/etc., as being comfortable in wearing clothing appropriate to the situation does absolutely show up in body language.
It's kind of silly to make snap judgements based on clothes. Especially since you can wear one set of clothes with friends, another in job settings, a different set at heavy metal concerts. It's an annoying thing to argue with a person about and one more reason why it's a good idea not to live with parents.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
It's not remotely silly to make snap judgements on the basis of clothing. Whether or not it is depends entirely on what kinds of judgements they are, and how far those judgements go.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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It's silly to make snap judgements and cling to them as fact when they have been proven wrong.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Rakeesh: Well, of course it is.
When did that even come up for discussion?
I don't know, I'm random, and I'm reminded of my father's girl friend, who I didn't even KNOW saying something disparaging about whatever I was wearing. I was in high school or something at the time. Was he helping to buy my clothes? Of course not...
I say as long as a person isn't wearing those pants that show off their undawears, or running around in tiny skimpy outfits, it's OK, but it's not as if I'd think, HA, YOUR DRAWERS ARE SHOWING, YOU ARE A THUG! Or, You're drawers are showing, you are a ho! But if parents are not buying your clothes, and if you are not dressing stupidly in pink and orange, then it doesn't matter.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
No it wasn't. A snap judgement doesn't have to be wrong, nor must it be believed as fact when it is made.
If I meet someone and they're thugged out, I can safely assume they enjoy hip-hop music. If I meet someone and they're cowboyed up, I can make the same generally safe assumption about CW music. If I meet someone wearing a $200 pair of jeans, I can safely assume that clothing is very important to them and that they take care to look good, or that they've got a lot of money to spend. If I meet someone wearing a shirt with a team logo on it, I can safely assume they are fans of that sport or that team.
These are all snap judgements, and sound judgements. Making them does not at all imply that I believe in holding to snap judgements after they've been disproven by facts.
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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posted
Rock climbers wear velcro-strapped shoes. Well, some do, anyways. Mostly boulderers, who want to be able to remove those buggers when not in use.
Posts: 433 | Registered: Feb 2005
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quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: Hey! Sophie has velcro-strapped shoes! She can't tie the big-girl ones yet.
Whereas around here, it seems to have become impossible to find velcro-strapped toddler shoes, so I spend large portions of my day retying shoes. I swear those laces are greased or something.
posted
You know, in most cases "not under my roof" implied that parents did not want their children having sex before marriage. If "living by your parents rules" includes whether you choose to tie your shoes or not, and "getting laid" is the gauge by which your parents determine your maturity, then your parents have some serious issues.
And punching in the nose? Isn't that assault? Don't fight back, calmly call the cops.
For all the people telling Blayne to move out on his own, take it from someone who moved out at 16 years old, moving out won't solve the problems. Families aren't easy to leave behind, and an abusive father will find other ways to be manipulative, often through other family members.
Last I checked, parents are financially responsible for a child until they are 21. (That is, if a person under 21 applies for welfare because they can't support themselves, welfare will charge the parents with something akin to child support payments.) If Blayne is in college, his first goal is to finish school before getting a job. If moving out means that he has to support himself and can't afford college, that'll dog him for the rest of his life.
Posts: 3735 | Registered: Mar 2002
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quote:Originally posted by katharina: You are too old to be living at home.
His age has nothing to do with it. Many, many kids live with their parents while they're still in school, and this is a wonderful thing for those who are lucky enough to have parents that are willing to give them every opportunity to get their life in order.
I agree, and not just because I'm 23 and still live at home. In my own defense, I'm still in school, work, pay my share of the bills, and am trying to be debt free by the end of the year, so I'm not just freeloading (not to say that Blayne is, though his gaming budget certainly deserves a hit).
In this case though, I seriously agree with most everyone else. Get out of the house. Maybe having to pay your own bills and such will be a sufficient wake up call, and being away from your parents for awhile will improve your relationship some. It can be difficult, financially especially, but if you're in school, look for on campus housing, if not, get a job (or work more at the one you have if you have one) and pay rent.
Posts: 21898 | Registered: Nov 2004
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posted
Blayne's in Canada, though. Where it's a tradition. For loggers...with...maple...syru...yeah, I'm just gonna leave now.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:Originally posted by MrSquicky: The words probably happened, but I doubt the physical violence did.
And you base that on what exactly? Also, what was your motive for posting this in the first place?
I base it on several things. As I pointed out, Blayne posted largely the same thread about a year ago, in a riddle-type format (Guess who punched me in the stomache?). Many people responded with emphatic advice: move out of the house.
In a recent thread, I made a point about this moving out of his parents' house. You can see the reaction for yourself. This is not the first time, I and others have talked to Blayne about his domestic situation.
His reactions don't seem to me to be consistent with someone who is getting hit by his father. The initial reaction is off. There is the total lack of concern about leaving the situation and that he doesn't mention that this is a recurring situation. Also, a year between incidents where his father hits him doesn't make sense.
They are consistent with a kid who is angry at his parents who is adding stories of violence to make them seem more wrong.
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edit: Oh and TL, rollainm, did you two read the other thread I linked? If not, maybe you should.
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