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God hates it when the "God, you say!" thread is bumped and the "It's Sacrilicious!" thread is not.
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God would appear in public more often but is worried people might mistake Him for Charlton Heston.
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God used to post on the forum but stopped because 2/3 of His posts were corrections and people were getting angry.
It's good to be the God.
Over 99% of the fruits and vegetables that God makes with the images of Jesus or Elvis on them aren't recognized, and just end up in pies and casseroles. How many miracles have you eaten?
It's difficult for God to enjoy reading a good murder mystery because He always knows how it ends.
No one really likes arguing with God because He thinks He's always right.
You can tell that God plays dice with the universe because every once in a while He yells out "Yahtzee!" for no apparent reason.
God never met long odds He didn't like. Ability to alter the laws of probablility has nothing to do with it, probably.
God alwys knows just what to say to cheer you up. Whether He'll actually say it is another matter.
Using God's name may be in vain most of the time, but those times He actually does damn what you ask Him to, boy, is it worth it!
A lot of people seem to want to be touched by God, but God doesn't want to be touched by them because He knows exactly where they've all been!
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God has decided his next world will be made entirely out of chocolate with a nice gooey center.
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God had every intention of making man immortal, but then he realized what that would do to real estate prices and dropped the idea.
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God is not sure this Sees All thing is as good as its cracked up to be. He reconsiders it every time two 70 year olds have sex.
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God isn't sure where The Quote came from, and every time the Devil is feeling nasty he wanders by and shouts it.
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When God and Adam posed for the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, God first built up a good charge of static electricity by dragging his feet over the carpet.
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God was once obsessive compulsive about neatness but cured it by inventing entropy. The result was the Big Bang.
God thinks the worst thing about being famous is that so many people who hardly ever talk to Him call Him up and ask Him for favors.
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God thinks those analogies about life being "a marathon" are a little bit off. It's more like a relay race and we need each other to win.
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God doesn't usually like to admit it, but he really doesn't know how the air gets into bubble wrap.
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God has often considered making a deal with human beings that if they'd stop killing each other, he'd give them power over either time or transmutation of matter.
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God reviewed his notes in confusion, trying to recall what he had promised and/or gifted to innumerable souls.
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God snuck into the Alabama Supreme Court Building and put up a monument with these quotes on it, but the Supreme Court had them removed as a church/state issue.
God approves of the Supreme Court and most of their recent decisions. Its the name that he doesn't like. After all, his is the SUPREME COURT.
God ended the Plague one day when Peter misplaced the keys to the pearly gates, and the backup stretched for miles.
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God wants everyone to know He doesn't recall telling Bush to declare war on Iraq as Woodward's book suggests.
Old Yeller gets resurrected in God's special edition DVD.
The pope gets cocky sometimes and God has to remind him that he's God's Head Bitch.
God's contract specifies He can't make a mistake, which is why He had His lawyers insert the standard "mysterious ways" clause.
Posts: 1423 | Registered: Sep 2003
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Truth be told, God did not etch the secret to eternal life onto each of our hearts. In fact, it can currently only be found on the left ventrical of Albert Crittendon, 4200 Maple Leaf Court, Millerstown, Ohio. Through an unfortunate manufacturing defect, the rest of our hearts were imscribed with the lyrics to Mandy by Barry Manilow. Which is the only reason on Earth that that song ever became a hit.
You'll be happy to know that the release of Humans 6.0 will correct this problem.
You might not be happy to know that the release of Humans 6.0 has been delayed by a few million years, but is due out any day now. They'll be faster, smarter, less prone to disease, and able to perceive God directly and unequivocally. Oh yeah, and they'll be able to see into the ultraviolet and hear in the ultrasonic ranges where God lives. Humans 6.0 will treat previous releases as slaves.
Sorry.
The good news is we'll have a thousand years of peace before God moves on to his next project.
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There is already a flaw in Human 6.0, though. The song, "Mandy," which was mistakenly inscribed on the left ventricle of Albert Crittendon, has mutated, and is now genetically lodged (pretend this is scientific) in the vocal chords of all new models. Instead of spouting God's word, all humans of the new order will be born singing "Mandy," not in the voice of Barry Manilow, but in the voice of the young, flame-haired John Stevens from American Idol. Like God, he just doesn't seem able or willing to die.
[ April 25, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: Elizabeth ]
Posts: 10890 | Registered: May 2003
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:eyes Bob suspiciously: God seems to have gone on a bit of a sci-fi kick lately. Are you sure it's God who's planning this rollover? Hmmm???? Or is it BOB who intends to supplant the current human regime with a better, more theocratic model? We're on to you BOB.
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God is not very happy with the current fad of wearing flip-flops that has swept through heaven. He's going to smite the next one who comes in wearing them to a business meeting.
The good news is God has a mansion waiting for you in heaven. The bad news is you're the janitor. Oh, that and the place needs to be fixed up for the new tenants by this time next week.
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I wonder what God was trying to tell Roy when Roy's white tiger mauled him. Was that just tough love?
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