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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » The monkey's paw -- a game (Page 2)

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Author Topic: The monkey's paw -- a game
Shan
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congratulations, Bob! chiclets have permanently glued together all previously discabobulated parts of the universe - unfortunately, there is no known way of unsticking anything.

I wish I had a lollipop.(and that I could type faster)

[ September 27, 2004, 11:56 PM: Message edited by: Shan ]

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pooka
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Idem: Granted, unfortunately people are always killing each other and blaming it on you.

I wish I could write a best selling diet book.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Angry hungry people force feed the book to you on National TV.

I wish I had no body hair.

[ September 27, 2004, 11:59 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]

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IdemosthenesI
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I don't really have a problem with tha, actually!
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Human
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Wish granted! Unfortunately, you lose all your skin as well.

I wish I could find true love.

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pooka
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You marry you true love, only to meet your TRUE LOVE on the honeymoon.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: pooka ]

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IdemosthenesI
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Pooka, you have just published the best selling diet book, but three years later it turns out that in fact, the diet you reccomend also shrinks the kidneys into unusable raisins. You, as a user of your own diet, die taking half of the USA with you.

Bob, you have no body hair. Too bad about that gorgeous woman you just met whose only stipulation for making love to a man is that he must be very very hairy.

I wish I my boss would die of heart failure.

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Bob_Scopatz
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You find true love in a magazine. From 1947.

Your boss is driving you to a meeting at the time.

I wish politicians told the truth all the time.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:01 AM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]

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IdemosthenesI
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Politicians always tell the truth, leading to a massive failure of government, rioting, and anarchy. (I honestly believe that would happen, to be frank.)

I wish I were immune to all harmful diseases.

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Bob_Scopatz
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You get ALL the non-harmful diseases.

I wish they would name a street after me.

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Book
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Crime and prostitution abound on Bob Scopatz Lane.

I wish I could punch through brick walls as a party trick. EDIT: and then all the ladies would be all up ons.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:06 AM: Message edited by: Book ]

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IdemosthenesI
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Can you name a non-harmful disease?
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pooka
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Delilah, at any rate, is all up ons.

I wish I could learn foreign language vocabulary by taking a pill.

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Vadon
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Wish granted, but at the loss of your native tounge.

I wish I could solve this cursed rubiks cube!

[ September 28, 2004, 12:16 AM: Message edited by: Vadon ]

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Book
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You do, but your raucous celebration over such an irrelevent vistory alerts everyone in the room to your spectacular nerdulations.

I wish I could uplink my brain to the internet, like JC Denton from Deus Ex.

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Human
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Granted! Unfortunately, you contracted a virus, and you now spew ads for penis enlargement 24 hours a day!

I wish that could shoot fireballs from my hand, like Ryu from Street Fighter.

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Vadon
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Wish granted, but your hand will catch fire each time, going your clothes destroying them; only to publicily humiliate you upon each use.

I wish that others' wishes were granted as they want them.

(twist that)

[ September 28, 2004, 12:23 AM: Message edited by: Vadon ]

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Book
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Thousands of men and women die from inability to circulate blood efficiently due to monstrously oversized phalluses and breasts. You are forced to spend your life with self-centered, egotistical jerks.

Sure wish I could move super speedy fast.

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pooka
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You are Idem's boss.

Book: your feet get super speedy sore.

I wish to play the piano like Vladimir Horowitz.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:29 AM: Message edited by: pooka ]

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Book
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I agree, that would be nice. However after five years of overusing your gift you wind up with a severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome and aare unable to type and post on hatrack, forever denying us your clever company.

Man, I dunno. Wolverine's power, how about that. That'd be nice.

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Vadon
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Edit, to make book happy ^_^, He is able to heal, but from lack of saying how much he heals, he can only heal his left eyebrow.

I wish robots that obeyed me would rule the world

[ September 28, 2004, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: Vadon ]

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Book
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No, see, the correct way to twist it back on me is to say that I horribly break my leg and the tissue around it heals up immediately, freezing the shattered bone in place.

Pretty sure healing anything can heal a blood infection, too.

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pooka
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Vadon: Unfortunately, since you don't know how to make chocolate this cyber-utopia has no chocolate.

Book, you have a blood infection? Yeah, Wolverine could even keep from being affected by tranquilizers. At least in the movie.

I wish butter were a vegetable.

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Book
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Carb counters consequently lose one of their staples and become very crabby, causing a 27% increase in murder and, surprisingly, a 63% rise in rape.

I wish for once I could have dinner with a celebrity who wasn't bound and gagged.

[ September 28, 2004, 12:52 AM: Message edited by: Book ]

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pooka
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You have dinner with Christopher Walken, who insists on you being bound and gagged.

I wish I could get a full night's sleep in under 7 hours.

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narrativium
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Congratulations. You can now get a full night's rest in 4 hours. Unfortunately, you are unable to sleep more than that, and you develop acute noctiphobia.

I wish I could see a much wider section of the electromagnetic spectrum.

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Book
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You can finally see the horrific monsters that hide in the shadows and the light, feeding on your sorrow and anguish. Congrats.

Sure wish parts of me weren't chapped.

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narrativium
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I ain't touching that one with a 10 foot pole. And I'm going to bed.
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Book
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I guess.... I win?
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Mr.Funny
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*uses 11 foot pole*

Chapped parts have been removed.

I wish for more free wishes.

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ketchupqueen
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You get them, but use them wishing for wishes until you forget to eat and starve to death.

I wish I had some chocolate.

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Shigosei
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Book: Any and all chapped parts have been amputated. Have a nice day.

Ketchupqueen: You have mounds and mounds of the finest dark chocolate. Laced with cyanide.

I want to be blissfully happy forever.

[ September 28, 2004, 07:07 AM: Message edited by: Shigosei ]

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punwit
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Wish granted
*pat pat, here is a doggy biscuit*

I wish to always make the morally correct decision.

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Tammy
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Gilded copies of the following books appear on your bookshelf.

The Holy Bible
The Book of Mormon
Ethics for the New Millennium: His Holiness the Dalai Lama
The Book of Jewish Values: A Day-By-Day Guide to Ethical Living
Cyberethics: Social & Moral Issues in the Computer Age

I wish I could eat yummy meals everyday without gaining an ounce of weight.

*edited because my first wish was impossible without divine intervention*

[ September 28, 2004, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: Tammy ]

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Noemon
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Granted. The massive tape worm in your stomach robs you of all nutrients, regardless of how much you eat. You waste away, and eventually die of starvation.

I wish to attain enlightenment.

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Tammy
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You are immediately enlightened, you transcend and attain Nirvana.

Unfortunately Kurt Cobain is no longer with us, so you obtain Courtney Love instead. This immediately counteracts your initial enlightenment.

I wish to be parasite free.

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IdemosthenesI
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Wonderful. You are completely parasite free. You no longer have a single parasite, not even the beneficial ones that aid in digestion. You have an eternal case of the runs.

I wish I were TomDavidson.

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Hobbes
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If someone wishes something evil and destructive for themselves, should we twist it into being positive or what?

Hobbes [Smile]

[ September 28, 2004, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: Hobbes ]

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Noemon
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:: poof! ::

You are now Tom Davidson. Unfortunately, not five minutes ago The Pixiest decided that you had to be taken out, and even as we speak she is contracting the job out to a radical right wing militia group in your area.

I wish for a lifetime of good health.

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Dagonee
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You get your wish. [Razz]
This was much funnier before Noemon posted...

Noemon, you have a lifetime of perfect health. Your new lifespan is 30 seconds.

[ September 28, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Dagonee ]

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IdemosthenesI
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There are radical right wing militia groups in East Texas? [Eek!]

Dag, you didn't post a wish, So I will post another one.

I wish I had spent the last four years building up an immunity to iocaine powder.

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Polio
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Um, run that by me again. What's iocaine? (Dictionary.com doesn't know either.)
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IdemosthenesI
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Iocaine comes exclusively from Australia! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, as everyone knows. And criminals are used to people not trusting them as you are are not trusted by me so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!

You have a dizzying intellect.

Wait till I get going!... Where was I.

Australia.

Ah yes. And you must have suspected I would know the powders origin. You would have counted on it! So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
...
...
...
(argument continues)
...
...
...
You've made your choice?

Yes. Let's drink. I from my glass, and you from yours. (they drink)

(smirks)You guessed wrong

You only think I guessed wrong, that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia. But only SLIGHTLY less well known is this. NEVER go in against a sicilian, when DEATH is on the line! Ahahahahahahah Ahahahahahahah Ha Ha HA... (dies)

Princess Buttercup: And to think all this time it was your cup that was poisoned.

Who can finish this quote?

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blacwolve
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[ROFL]

The Princess Bride

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KarlEd
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Your wish is granted, but when the test of wits comes it involves almond cookies and cyanide instead.

I wish I had infallible gaydar.

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IdemosthenesI
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You do. Now you know eery single person in your life who is living a lie. You know every public figure who has a secret. You know every politician whose career you could end with a phone call. Now you will be tempted. You will live a life conflicted by whether or not to resort to blackmail. If you ever do, you will end up being killed by your target. If you don't, you will always, always be tempted. Enjoy your living hell, my friend.

I wish I had the complete Black Adder box set.

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Noemon
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You now own the entire run of Black Adder. On Betamax. Good luck finding something to play it on. If you manage it, you'll discover that the whole thing is a pirated version of the series, dubbed in Cantonese.

I wish to know what the consensus of future generations will be on the events going on in the present.

[ September 28, 2004, 01:02 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]

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Teshi
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Congratulations. Although everyone looks back on the events of these years with fond remembrance, you discover everyone in the future hates you and your birthday is a day of mourning on which everyone wears black. You immediately commit suicide.

I still wish I had a million dollars

[ September 28, 2004, 01:06 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]

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Dan_raven
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Congrats Teshi, you have a million dollars, and three million friends, family, and large muscular men who all want a donation.

I wish I was in the land of cotton.

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Noemon
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"Welcome to the land of cotton, Dan_Raven" says your overseer, flicking his whip in your direction. "You'll be clearing half of this field before you'll be be given lunch."

I wish I'd gotten to reply to Teshi's "million dollar" wish.

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