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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » The monkey's paw -- a game (Page 16)

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Author Topic: The monkey's paw -- a game
Bob_Scopatz
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Granted, but since Hatrack is now the only reliable source of hard news in the world, you and the rest of us go into post-election day completely unaware of who will lead us.

I wish dkw were President!!!

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Noemon
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Dana assumes the mantle of the presidency, and proves to be a phenomenally able leader. Her passions, however, prove to be her undoing.

It is at a social function that she meets, falls in love with, and begins a torrid affair with the former Secretary General of the United Nations, Boutros Boutros-Ghali (click here for a picture of Mr. Boutros-Ghali catching his now-famous first glimpse of Dana). After a futile effort to hide their passion from the world collapses into messy failure, Dana renounces her position as president and runs away with Mr. Boutros-Ghali to his secluded getaway on the banks of the Nile, where they enjoy a life of hedonistic delight for several blissful weeks before Dana's libidinous demands send his into cardiac arrest.

A bereft Leia Maria Boutros-Ghali seeks comfort in the arms of former first man Bob Scopatz, but when her overatures are rebuffed the stress of her husband's betrayal and death prove to finally be too much for her. She empties a 9 mm handgun into Bob before reloading and taking her own life.

Dana, appaled by the damage her passions have wrought, and more than a little infatuated with melodrama, clasps an asp to her breast, succeeds in provoking it to bite her, and follows the Boutros-Ghalis and her husband into death.

I wish I were very physically fit.

[ November 02, 2004, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: Noemon ]

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kaioshin00
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Granted. You are turned into a Schwarzenegger action figure.

I wish that paper was edible.

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dkw
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[Eek!] [Eek!] [Eek!]

[ROFL]

[ November 02, 2004, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: dkw ]

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Noemon
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Just be glad I'm not really a genie Dana!
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Noemon
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I found a great thumbnail of Boutros Boutros-Ghali staring at something in what looked like slack jawed wonder, but I couldn't get the larger version of it to display.
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Bob_Scopatz
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[ROFL]

Granted, you eat your words.

I wish I had been kinder to Mrs. Boutros-Ghali!!! [Eek!]

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sarcasticmuppet
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Granted--it's not your fault she shoots you.

I wish for more fluff.

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ElJay
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Granted. Snuggle the fabric softener bear is the new forum moderator.

I wish I was feeling more motivated.

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MEC
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Granted, you are now highly motivated to run from this giant stone ball that follows you everywhere you go, similar to the one in UHF.

I wish snuggles the possessed by a demon fabric softner bear would go back to hell.

[ November 04, 2004, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]

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MEC
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I wish this thread would be brought back, but I can't really do it myself.
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Little_Doctor
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Granted. But in return, an angel just lost it's wings.
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Goody Scrivener
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Quick, everyone clap really loud so Tinkerbelle can live again!!!
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sarcasticmuppet
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Granted, but the clapping hastened some 300,000,000 cases of carpal tunnel. Those tan brace-things have become incorporated into the fashion scene.

I wish I could win Rummikub just once.

[ April 03, 2005, 02:20 PM: Message edited by: sarcasticmuppet ]

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Bob_Scopatz
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You do...Just once.

I wish the entire Central Florida Clump would move to Iowa.

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Enigmatic
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Granted. Every registered Hatracker in Florida moves into your house. (No, they don't help you unpack.)

I wish I had some candy.

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Joldo
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Granted. Candy is blonde, ditzy, and nineteen. She enjoys brainless chick flicks and Celine Dion. Have fun.

I wish I could fly.

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Human
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Granted. You can fly, all you want. Landing however, is a different matter...

I want to be able to make people explode!

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Nell Gwyn
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Granted. But they explode all over you, and the resulting mess can never be washed off, but clings in a rotting residue.

I wish I knew everything.

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Human
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Granted! Knowledge of absolutely everything floods through your mind! Unfortunately, the process renders you insane, and unable to coherently express anything you've learned.

I wish I could make beautiful music.

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Nell Gwyn
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Granted! You receive a package in the mail containing every aesthetically pleasing musical instrument known to man...in pieces.

I wish I could stay in perfect shape without ever having to exercise or watch what I eat.

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Noemon
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Granted! That shape happens to be a perfect sphere.

I wish I'd gone to bed an hour and 45 minutes ago.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted. You awaken in the morning perturbed by the obvious fact that you are now a sleep-poster. The concern over what sites you may have visited and posts you may have made begins to eat at you. You check and discover that you are the daughter/chief accountant for the deposed ruler of Nigeria and have to hide a few million dollars in a hurry!

I wish I could think up plots like Philip Jose Farmer, describe characters like Orson Scott Card, and write compelling narrative like Victor Hugo, all the while being as funny as a combination of Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, and P.G. Wodehouse.

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rivka
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Granted. Too bad you -- like Adams, Wodehouse, and Hugo -- are dead.



I wish my kids were perfectly behaved.

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genius00345
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Granted. They've been sent to a boarding school and been beaten and mistreated anytime they ever did anything wrong and they now hate all people, but never misbehave.

I wish OSC and his family were my neighbors.

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Noemon
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Rivka, that's a perfect response. I was trying to come up with something that hadn't been done already, and was drawing a blank.

You congratulate yourself on your perfectly behaved children. You find that they always do exactly what you want them to do, before you can even articulate the desire. Some part of your mind begins to question this; they seem almost too good to be true. In a jarring perceptual shift, you realize that the objects you have always thought of as "your children" are in fact the crudely made stuffed dolls that the staff at the mental institution in which you actually live have allowed you to keep with you because you are so much easier to handle when you are allowed to have them. The moment of sanity passes, and you gaze down lovingly at your perfectly behaved babies. It seems like something was wrong with them a moment ago, but you must have imagined it. Your perfect babies could would never misbehave.

I wish sakeriver were back up.

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Zarex
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Granted, but one of your family members contracts a strange lingering disease and your family is placed under quarentine.

I wish I had the willpower to do my homework instead of spend time on hatrack.

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Noemon
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You have the willpower, but YOU FORGET TO BREATHE!!!!


I wish that I had another of the wasabi, ginger, and black sesame seed chocolate bars that CT brought to my house last weekend.

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rivka
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(Noem, thanks. Sometimes dry wit is useful. And I love your response to mine! [Big Grin] )

You have another of the chocolate bars. It was brought by your new tenant . . . who is <insert horror movie score snippet> worse than your previous tenant! [Eek!] [Angst]



I wish the pile of tests I need to grade were already magically graded, and that my students all did better than expected, without cheating.

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Noemon
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Rivka, yeah, sometimes the occasion just kind of begs for it, doesn't it?

I'm glad you liked my response, by the way; I was a little concerned that it was too dark for the thread, but then I went back and actually read a couple of pages from the middle of the thread, and my fears were assuaged.

quote:
You have another of the chocolate bars. It was brought by your new tenant . . . who is <insert horror movie score snippet> worse than your previous tenant!
[ROFL]

Now you're playing dirty! [Smile]

The pile of papers is magically graded, and all of your students did better than you expected, although the wide range in scores helps assure you that none of them cheated. However, the golden ink that had magically appeared on their papers and in your grade book turns into wisps of straw the next day. There is no record of the scores at all, and you are forced to take the papers home and grade them by hand. As you do so, you swear that you can hear the tittering of mischevious faeries.

I wish that the movie Serenity do extraordinarily well in the theater, prompting Joss to write and direct two more movies set in the Firefly universe that star the same cast as the first movie and are financial and critical successes.

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advice for robots
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Granted, complete with a Sigur Ros soundtrack, although financial and critical success in Iceland may not mean as much.

I wish I were human.

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Zarex
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You are a human, specifically a eighty seven year old man lying on his death bed. As your new memories flood you, you realize that the eighty seven year old man is a horrible miser, former murderer, money launderer, and fan of Martha Stewart. Just as you're about to scream in horror, you die and are sent to judgement.

I wish I could step into any book and experience the events and settings of the books I choose to step into.

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Enigmatic
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Granted. Before you can use your newfound ability a series of freak library and bookstore fires sweep the planet. The only books remaining in existance are copies of Galaxy 666.

I wish I had a pet monkey.

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Teshi
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Granted! Your monkey is charming and exhibits peculiar intelligence. Before you know it YOU and all your friends are the pet.

I wish I had a brilliant mathematical mind.

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Sterling
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Granted. And when he isn't flinging poop at your head or self-pleasuring, he's picking off fleas to put in your ear.

I wish I would always have pleasant dreams when I sleep.

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Zarex
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Teshi-- Granted, you have a brilliant mathematical mind, but you hate math.

Sterling-- Granted, you find out that you will always have pleaseent dreams right before you discover that you have the worst case of insomnia known to man.

I wish that you will not grant this wish. (Try to puzzle that one out. Or, if you can't puzzle that one out:

I wish I had a lightsaber.

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Enigmatic
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Zarex wish #1: Granted. Unfortunately, in fulfilling this wish you've created a paradox in the fundamental nature of reality and everything that exists suddenly ceases to. Way to go.

Zarex wish #2: Granted: The lightsaber is irremovably lodged in your intestine. I suggest you be very, very careful not to accidentally jostle the "On" switch.

I wish I didn't have to go to work today.

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SC Carver
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Granted: You don't have to go to work, but it because the CIA has discovered most of your co-workers are actually aliens trying to take over the world and have shut down your office seizing everything to prevent any evidence of extraterrestrial life getting into the public.

I wish the SC Gamecocks had a good football team
(I don't think even a genie can grant that one)

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ludosti
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Granted: They now have a good football team! Unfortunately, all of the players are either injured or serving jail time.

I wish I could sleep better at night.

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JemmyGrove
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Granted with a bonus -- you now sleep better all the time. (You could call it a coma, although that one has been used a few times already.)

I wish I had webbed feet.

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Zarex
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Granted: you suddenly find yourself transformed into a duck.

I wish I could leap tall buildings in a single bound.

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Frisco
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Granted: You are a giant flea.


I wish for a new pair of fuzzy sippers.

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ludosti
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Granted! A couple large vampire bats are now sipping away at your precious bodily fluids.

I wish my house was paid off.

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jeniwren
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Granted. The last of your cash is drained from your accounts, and the mortgage papers arrive from the bank. In the midst of burning them, you go to rub off what appears to be ash on one wall, and as the sheetrock crumbles before your eyes, torrents of black beetles tumble out and spill across the floor. Your house was built on an ancient burial ground, and the curse of a fallen people now rests on your shoulders. It is inescapable, for with the deed of the house goes the curse.

I wish I knew what to have for lunch.

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Frisco
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(damn my crappy keyboard! [Razz] )
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Kent
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Granted! But what to have for lunch is good for you and you don't enjoy it.

I wish for no human to do harm to another human.

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EricJamesStone
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Positronic robots are invented. Unfortunately, the version of Asimov's first law imprinted on their brains says "A robot can harm a human being, but not, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm."

Therefore, robots kill all human beings to prevent them from harming each other.

I wish I could touch-type.

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Enigmatic
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Granted! You quickly learn how to touch type, out of necessity because you've just gone blind.

I wish caffeine still gave me the buzz it used to.

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Sopwith
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Eric, you're chained to the typesetter's table in the Church of Scientology's printing plant and forced to manually set up the presses for the umpteen millionth run of Dianetics.

I wish I had a monkey.

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ketchupqueen
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Granted. Have fun cleaning up the poop it flings all over your walls.

I wish my morning sickness would go away.

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