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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » The monkey's paw -- a game (Page 24)

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Author Topic: The monkey's paw -- a game
BlackBlade
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Granted! Every single non blue related cone in your eyes simply disappears and your walls appear a beautiful blue, at least to you. But now everything looks blue, you cannot tell where ANYTHING is because you are overwhelmed by the uniform blue that everything is. You can't find the way out of your house for days and you cultivate your own special brand of madness. Finally you somehow stumble outside and collapse by your front door as a passerby says, "Whats the matter buddy? Feeling blue?" It gets ugly after that.

BTW I lol'd when I looked at the google feedback add at the bottom of the page after writing that. Something about Improved Eyes and the blue background.

I wish my company wouldnt keep screwing up my paychecks and forgetting to give me about $80 they owe me.

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TheGrimace
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Granted! Unfortunately during the auditing process used to get you the $80 that they owe you they discover that due to some strange loophole in employment law they can actually reclassify you as an indentured servant. They issue you a bill for all past wages which were inappropriately payed to you (oddly enough this excludes the $80 in question which they owe you despite your new status.) You now still owe the company 18 years of work in addition to the afformentioned wages.

I wish I was pleasantly satiated.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Shazam! You are pleasantly satiated. You reflect warmly on the meal, its preparation, its perfect taste, smell and texture. Wow! The warden really meant it when he said you could have anything you wanted.

I wish my house would sell.

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MandyM
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Granted! Your house sells but only at a rock bottom price because it was on the market so long you had to go ahead and move. Then you couldn't afford to make two mortgage payments so you were forclosed on by the bank who then sold your house for you at next to nothing. You get no profit and lost your shirt in the deal. Sorry.

I wish I never needed sleep.

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Nighthawk
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Granted! You're awake and alert 24 hours a day, and the psychosis as a result of lack of sleep creeps up on you unnoticed until it's out of control. Only after you clear out a supermarket with an AR-15 because they're out of Pop Tarts do you realize that maybe sleep was a good idea.

I wish my employer would pay me more.

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Bob_Scopatz
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They do. They give more money every two weeks, just like they'd agreed to when the hired you. Yep, more money.

I wish I hadn't just listened to that phone message.

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted! But you've also missed the message that stated you were the winner of an incredible prize. It could have been all yours, no strings attached, but you didn't call back in time to collect.

I wish I had something useful to do.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted! Your job is now to listen to my phone messages and let me know if I win anything.

I wish I a nice cup of coffee and some breakfast

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Noemon
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The genie shrugs and takes advantage of Bob's dropping a word. Eduardo turns to tell Mr. Scopatz about the incredible prize that he's just won, but finds, sitting on Bob's chair, a *very* nice cup of coffee and a plate of scrambled eggs, pancakes, and sausage links. He gratefully wolfs them down, thinking what a considerate employer Bob is.

I wish that my lawn were mowed.

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Kasie H
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Granted! Haven't you heard the recent real live news story of the father who ran over his preschool age daughter with a lawn mower, amputating her leg?

I wish I didn't have to work on Labor Day.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Noemon... [ROFL]


Kasie H: You are hereby relieved of all dutie on Labor Day...2127. Enjoy your day off.


I wish I knew what to do with all these boxes!

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TheSeeingHand
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Your house floods and you need to get somewhere to breathe. *Looks at boxes.*

I wish you won't grant my wish.

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Nighthawk
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Granted! Although this wish will be granted, your other wish involving several million dollars in cash, the Swedish Bikini Team and lots of cream soda will be ignored.

I wish my Internet access wouldn't keep going down.

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Tante Shvester
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It now keeps going up and up and up. Darn fees!

I wish the internet filter at my new job wasn't so tight. I can't log onto anything besides Google, some medical research sites, and some of the Yellow Pages sites.

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Jeesh
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Granted! You can now log onto Google, some medical reasearch sites, and ALL of the Yellow Page sites.

I wish my paper was done.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted...you finished your paper route in record time. What an enterprising young person you are!

I wish that iTunes would give credit for already owning the music on LP or tape and let you download for 1/2 price.

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Nighthawk
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Granted! To compensate for legal ramifications, and with a little enticement from the RIAA, the iTunes membership fee is now $817 a month. Enjoy!

I wish this thread will go on forever.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted! Eventually, it takes over ALL CONTENT on the internet, and every time someone wishes they could find something else out there, their dreams get sadly twisted against them.

I wish had a use for free refills of the bucket-o-popcorn at the movies.

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Jeesh
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Granted! You now have hungry lions following you everywhere and they only eat popcorn.

I wish I had more ink for the printer.

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Bob_Scopatz
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You now have six cartridges of magenta. That ought to do it for ya!

I wish I had another thing from Netflix to watch this evening.

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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The next movie you open will automatically evolve into a looped program, making it impossible to stop it without resetting your computer and losing some important data.

I wish I'll be able to do what I feel I have to do.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted. You are able to do it. Too bad you lack the will to do it. It would've been great!


I wish I would win the ebay auction I'm bidding on at the price I put in over the weekend.

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Noemon
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You do! And your product is shipped to you in record time. Unfortunately, the seller is a carrier for a very hardy, virulent, and antibiotic-resistant strain of Group A Strep. Probably wouldn't have been an issue for you, though, if it weren't for the really nasty paper cut you got opening the box.

I wish that the power, which has been up and down all morning here at work, would stay on.

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Scott R
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It does! Unfortunately, you spill your coffee on your keyboard, causing it to short out, start an electrical fire, and burn your office to the ground.

I wish that the next poster will find true happiness.

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Sterling
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I find true happiness. It's the terminal symptom of a fatal neurological disease. And incidentally, it's contagious over the internet: soon, you, too will find true happiness!

I wish all online music was available from a single, legal service.

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Tante Shvester
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Your wish is my command. All online music is now available free and legal from the Federal Government Bureau of Online Music. I hope that you enjoy "Stars and Stripes Forever" and "Hail to the Chief," since that is the only music now available online.

I wish my lawn would learn to mow itself.

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Sterling
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Your lawn has learned to mow itself. And to use a variety of other tools as well... Is that a chainsaw starting?...

I wish the exchange rate with Canada was more favorable to American tourism.

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TheGrimace
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Granted! Due to completely unexplained surges and dips in the economies of a number of countries world-wide monetary exchange rates have gone bonkers. Fortunately for the little-known group of "freedom fighters" self titled: "America ntour ism" ANI for short, has managed to increase their funding a thousandfold. With this newfound funding of exactly $1000 they manage to sneak across the boarder into Canada, purchase large quantities of cheap alcohol, and throw a kickin party for all their sub-21-year-old friends back in Michigan.

I wish I had a large tasty fillet mignon waiting at home for me tonight.

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Nighthawk
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Granted! And the psychopathic, blood stained butcher swinging the meat cleaver will be more than happy to give it to you!

I wish I didn't have to quit my job soon.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted. You're fired. Weeks ago. What the HELL are you doing showing up here anyway? SECURITY!!!


I wish I spoke both Spanish and English fluently.

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MandyM
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You do! But unfortunately since you are so gosh darn cute, you are now the new voice-over talent on Dora the Explorer. To help Dora climb, you gotta say subida. Can you say subida?

I wish the rain didn't freak my dog out so much.

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted! Every time the heavens open up to pour down their life-giving waters, it becomes impossible to contain the enthusiasm of your four-legged friend. He'll find a way to get outside and run around until it stops raining. Then he won't be able to find his way home, since the water has just cleared away all the scents he could have used to trace his way back. This forces you to go get him after each time it rains. I hope you like getting wet.

I wish dogs didn't freak me out so much.

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ChevMalFet
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Granted! The next time you meet a dog you will calmly approach, pet, then discover it is rabid mere moments before it rends the flesh from your wrist and makes off with your dominant hand. Had your rabies shot?

I wish I could get motivated tonight.

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted! For the remainder of the evening, the Grim Reaper is looking over your shoulder. He's just waiting for you to slack off, so he'll have an excuse to take you with him. You'll be as productive as you've never been, but the constant fear of death has you making countless silly mistakes, which you'll have to find and fix tomorrow.

I wish my sense of humor wasn't quite so dark.

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GiantReturns
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Granted! You become Larry the Cable Guy's apprentice where he teaches you how to entertain red necks by saying words like gravy,taters and Get er' done.


I wish I was black

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted! You are now black in the physics sense. This means that you actually have no colour at all and are only visible under blacklight, and even then you'll just be a vague outline. This'll probably have some detrimental effects on your social life.

I wish I could dance.

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Jeesh
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Granted! You can dance... horribly.

I wish I had more time to get ready for school.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted! You check the time at the atomic clock at the US Bureau of Standards and discover that you have an extra .013 seconds to get ready for school.


I wish my dog could talk.

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted! You now have Dexter's patented invention, which slows down the passage of time for everyone except the person who's wearing it. You now have amplpe time to prepare for school, but come across several annoying problems that have to do with the fact that mostly everything around is hardly moving at all. Prepare for some bruises...

***dang! just missed that***

Granted! Your dog can talk and guess who'll be listening to his new master's voice... [Laugh]

I wish that people were more able to restrain their immediate emotional responses.

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Sterling
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People are more able to restrain their immediate emotional responses. Which makes it all the more perverse that they continue not to do so.

I wish mosquito bites didn't itch.

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JennaDean
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Granted! Your mosquito bites don't itch, you don't even realize you've got them, so you stay outside so long that you end up swollen all over from the thousands of mosquito bites you didn't even notice.

I wish my house was clean without me having to actually, you know, clean it up.

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TheGrimace
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Granted! Your house is clean, unfortunately it's clean in the sense that it has been scoured from the face of the earth and the ground salted in its wake, apparently some bitter Trojans were still around and mistook your address for Greece.

I wish I didn't have to present in a few minutes.

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katharina
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Granted! You should have been presenting an hour ago. You are now late, and everyone is waiting. When you arrive, you have forgotten your materials, and they think you are an idiot.

I wish I kept tissues in my office.

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BlackBlade
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Granted! Everyone in the world is required to present to YOU. What you might ask? Something about you! Since people can't get up and leave during your presentation for any reason, you too are required to sit through every single one, you eventually starve to death as your long lost 2nd grade teacher presents on the average number of times you went on bathroom breaks during her class.

I wish by some miracle it was 4:00pm (Utah Time) and I weighed my ideal weight of 190lbs (I am 109lbs right now).

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Nighthawk
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Granted! Thanks to a sudden surge of water retention and inflammation of your left leg, you weigh exactly 190lbs at 4:00pm Utah time. And you'll continue to do so, since you are now physically incapable of moving off the scale.

I wish I had the money to go buy some video games.

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Tante Shvester
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Oh, you have the money to buy video games. It's just the money for rent and food that you are lacking.

I wish I could go out drinking with my pals after work.

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Bob_Scopatz
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You all turn into fish.


I wish this headache would go away.

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John Van Pelt
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Head, and headache, removed.

I wish my bank account were not overdrawn.

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Nighthawk
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Granted! Your bank account suddenly has $10 million in it, which is immediately investigated by the bank. After the guilty verdict for eighty-seven counts of money laundering, counterfeiting and racketeering, you're thankful you don't have to worry about your bank account, or anything outside your 8'x10' cell, anymore.

I wish my mouse's battery wouldn't be dead.

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Bob_Scopatz
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By some strange quirk, your bank is robbed electronically and all the records are turned to so much digital hash. The good news is that, as near as anyone can tell, your account is not overdrawn. The bad news is, as near as anyone can tell, you don't exist.

I wish my head were reattached and my headache was gone.

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