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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » The monkey's paw -- a game (Page 26)

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Author Topic: The monkey's paw -- a game
Sterling
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Your ponytail makes you look as awesome as Steven Seagal. The present, fifty-odd pounds overweight version. All right, perhaps only "awesome" in the glacial sense.

I wish pseudoepherdrine couldn't be used to make crystal meth.

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Noemon
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The laws of physics change, almost imperceptibly. The only observable difference is that pseudoephedrine can no longer be used to make crystal meth. Well, at first that's the only observable difference. It's only when the first person to take "post change" pseudoephedrine dies that it's discovered that residual traces of the drug left behind in the body result in reanimation, and a relentless hunger for human nerve tissue. The zombies, strangely enough, produce pseudoephedrine in their rotting salivary glands, and as a result their bites transmit undeath to their victims. A zombie plague is unleashed upon the earth, all because you wanted an effective and easily purchased decongestant.

I wish that I were fluent in Thai as well as English.

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Qaz
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Aphasia is the great equalizer!

I wish I was surrounded by hot chicks right now.

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Jhai
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The exploding Peeps burn your skin, as well as leave you covered in florescent goo.

I wish I was inspired for writing my Spinoza essay.

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted... you write a concise, insightful essay. Unfortunately your teacher finds out you plagiarised the whole thing and now you have to write a 5000 word essay defending the ethical grounds on which you decided to cheat.

I wish that I was more able to act upon my feelings.

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BlackBlade
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And it is so! Your feelings are now so irrevocably connected to your actions that you cannot help but act on them! Fortunately you are not the violent type, on the downside your anger coping mechanism is to simply stop doing everything and count to 20. This situation plays out horribly upon first entering the freeway and having some speeding maniac cut you off. You slam on your breaks and start counting to 20 but only make it to 8 because the cars behind you start honking at you forcing you to reset the count. It's hours later that a policeman finally reaches you and decides you are a meth head and hauls you off to jail where you are ultimately found to be insane an committed to an asylum. Being their obviously displeases you and so all you can do is count to 20 on an endless loop. Since you now cannot eat or drink or sleep you die in a tragic yet very hilarious fashion. But don't despair, the moment you feel like dying rather then rotting in an asylum you promptly commit suicide.

I wish my cat could somehow supplement my income so that I can catch up on my bills this month.

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theCrowsWife
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Granted! Mao Mao finds her way outside and enters a life of petty crime, sneaking into houses and stealing money. You do well, until she brings home a stack of counterfeited bills that you unwittingly spend. You'll have a lot fewer bills in prison.

I wish that my property was fenced, so that I don't have to build any more.

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MEC
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Your property becomes fenced and sealed, from all possible angles. Leaving you now trapped inside your own property, forever.

I wish I was tech-savvy enough to build my own PC.

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Juxtapose
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The Matrix has you.

I wish I'd stop sleeping through my alarm.

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Kelly
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Granted! You now have an effective alarm clock...that never stops.


Ever


I wish my philosophy paper would do itself.

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landybraine
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Granted! Your philosophy paper asexually reproduces, creating dozens of little philosophy papers!

(They're like rabbits.)

I wish this screw in my mouth would stop hurting.

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Uprooted
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Granted. Your nerves are deadened and you are never aware of the awful truth until it's too late and the screw has twisted its way all the way through your skull and into your brain!

I wish I'd worked harder yesterday and didn't have to work this evening.

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MEC
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Granted, history has changed so that you now worked yourself to death yesterday.

I wish there was no more spam threads.

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pooka
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Granted. OSC got fed up with the love button and cancelled his sponsorship of the site.

I wish I weren't so lazy.

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Kelly
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Granted! You are now the biggest workaholic anyone has ever met.


I wish I would learn not to procrastinate.

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BlackBlade
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Granted! You file for taxes on the 1st of the new year. Christmas shopping is completed on the 26th of the year. You refuse to buy a house or a car until you have all the money up front, and you can forget anybody borrowing money from you as you immediately ask for the money back if they have not previously set a payback date. All in all you are seen as alittle eccentric but nothing more. At least nobody asked you to help construct the great wall of China.
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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Apparently BlackBlade has reached the End of Desire, so if he doesn't object I'll post a wish in his stead.

I wish I could find an affordable house for rent.

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landybraine
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Granted! Turns out your cheapo house is also occupied by O.J. Simpson, Britney Spears, and a really annoying terrier.

I wish it weren't so cold in Michigan.

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pooka
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Granted! That's why we've been feverishly pumping out greenhouse gasses since the 1890's.

I wish for a turkey sandwich.

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted! Two turkeys run up to you and place themselves on either side of your body, squeezing you in tightly. They won't leave and their incessant noise will slowly make you lose your senses.

I wish that my watch would start working again.

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BlackBlade
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Granted! And now all time stops making your watch as workable as anybody elses!

I wish I had ask for something in my previous post to this one, in this thread.

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted!
quote:
Originally posted by BlackBlade:
Granted! You file for taxes on the 1st of the new year. Christmas shopping is completed on the 26th of the year. You refuse to buy a house or a car until you have all the money up front, and you can forget anybody borrowing money from you as you immediately ask for the money back if they have not previously set a payback date. All in all you are seen as alittle eccentric but nothing more. At least nobody asked you to help construct the great wall of China.

I wish I could unwish the wish I'll make in the next post by my hand in this thread

Of course, now you're stuck in a time loop.

I wish it wasn't such a slow day at work.

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Fractal Fraggle
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Granted. All your days are slow, not just today at work. Your leisure time is slow too. You are acutely aware of every single passing moment. Brushing your teeth takes an eternity. In your mind, your favorite sit come lasts as long as the extended version of all three Lord of the Rings movies. You die, slowly, of boredom.

I wish I had a pony.

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vonk
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Granted! You had a pony. Unfortunately your arch-rival thought it's head in your bed would send the right message.

I wish I could go sailing today.

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Primal Curve
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Granted! You're favourite niece dies at only 24 years of age in a horrific car accident. Though it comes as bittersweet, you are granted her prize posession- a one-of-a-kind My Little Pony. It's current value is immesurable, and it is a coveted item among collectors around the world. It is fitting that you received it, as you bought it for her 4th birthday party oh so long ago.

After receiving it, you carefully place it in a specially-designed box so that it comes to no harm and display it proudly. After everything is setup, you wander back into your office to check your email. You notice a recent email from your brother with the heading "RE: RE: RE: FW:FW:FW: .... !!111! LARGE COLLECTION OF RARE MY LITTLE PONIES FOUND IN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE!!!"

I wish I had a better paying job.

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Tante Shvester
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*Bumped, for nostalgia's sake.*


Granted, however, with the collapse of the economy, that million dollar salary won't pay the rent on your hovel.


I wish I was fluent in Spanish as well as English.

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Sterling
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Granted! Unfortunately, you've been deported to China.

I wish I would stop getting headaches.

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rivka
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Granted. *swish* Problem solved by Madame Guillotine.



I wish I had a better job.

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Architraz Warden
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Granted, you now operate aforementioned Madame Guillotine.

I wish I had a frozen scone.

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rivka
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quote:
Originally posted by Architraz Warden:
Granted, you now operate aforementioned Madame Guillotine.

And this is supposed to be different than my current job? [Wink]
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Architraz Warden
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quote:
Originally posted by rivka:
quote:
Originally posted by Architraz Warden:
Granted, you now operate aforementioned Madame Guillotine.

And this is supposed to be different than my current job? [Wink]
But now you get to wear a stylish black hood!
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Tante Shvester
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Snood.
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rivka
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And again I say, this is different from my current job how? [Big Grin]
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Noemon
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quote:
Originally posted by Architraz Warden:
I wish I had a frozen scone.

You are the proud owner of a frozen scone. However, every oven you try to bake it in breaks down early in the preheating process.

I wish there were a box of paperclips in the office supplies room here at work.

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Vadon
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quote:
Originally posted by Noemon:
quote:
Originally posted by Architraz Warden:
I wish I had a frozen scone.

You are the proud owner of a frozen scone. However, every oven you try to bake it in breaks down early in the preheating process.

I wish there were a box of paperclips in the office supplies room here at work.

Granted! Unfortunately, your box made of paper clips has been welded together and you can't take any of the paper clips off.

I wish I had a more complete personal library.

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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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Granted. You now own every peice of media ever created. Unfortunately, the only ones you want to read are buried in the middle of the pile.

I wish I had drywalling equipment here.

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Architraz Warden
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Granted, but your efforts to become a modern day Montresor will backfire spectacularly 21 hours, 5 minutes, and 13 seconds from now.

I wish our employer would allow four day work weeks.

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rivka
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Granted! Four day work weeks, and a 50% pay cut.


I wish someone else would wish the next wish.

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Vadon
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Granted! But that person won't be me.
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aiua
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I'll do it! I wish that when I willed my hair to grow back, it would obey.
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scifibum
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Granted. Your hair grows back and chokes both you and rivka with mountains of dandruff.

(I didn't see any other way to turn rivka's wish against her, which had to be done.)

I wish I had a doodlebug like Alvin Smith.

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Sterling
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Granted. Alas, like Alvin Smith, you are a fictional character, and not one so important that you can't be killed off when it becomes dramatically effective shortly after your introduction.

I wish the board would stop trying to forward us to a 404 error.

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Elmer's Glue
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Granted.

Address Not Found


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The browser could not find the host server for the provided address.

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I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, <and> I don't want any zombie turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any other weird surprises. You got it?

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aiua
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Granted. It's in the fridge, right where you left it two weeks ago.

I've wished for duct tape for Christmas.

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Sterling
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Granted. No one feels very festive celebrating Duct Tape in place of Christmas, but what can you do...

I wish for peace on earth and goodwill towards men.

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Vadon
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Granted, but now the women feel left out because of the lack of goodwill towards them, so the peace is short lived.

I wish for a kitty!

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Elmer's Glue
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Granted. You are covered in tiny scratches.

I also wish for a kitty, the scratches are worth it.

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Fractal Fraggle
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Granted. You have a kitty. But...oh...unfortunately, you receive her because your young nephew mailed her to you... 2 months ago. uh oh. No scratches for you, but how will you get that smell out of your memory?

I wish my neighbor's dog would stop barking.

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Noemon
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The barking ceases. In retrospect, you realize the the barking was far less annoying than the hours of sustained howling that follow.

I wish my aspirin wasn't expired.

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Flaming Toad on a Stick
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Granted. It is now you that has expired. You will be missed.

I wish my bed was made.

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