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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » The monkey's paw -- a game (Page 27)

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Author Topic: The monkey's paw -- a game
Noemon
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Granted. Your mother has moved in with you, and has taken it upon herself to rouse you from bed at 6 AM every morning, after which she promptly makes your bed for you. Today is no exception.


I wish that it were an hour earlier than it is.

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Sterling
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Granted. It is... But then it "is" an hour earlier than it is, so it has to be an hour ealier than that, and... Uh oh. I don't think we're supposed to move that way in the fourth dimension. Certainly not so quickly...

I wish Microsoft could build an OS that actually did what end users wanted it to.

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Nighthawk
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Granted. For every version of the OS installed a Microsoft employee, chosen at random, will instantly burst in to flames.


I wish my dog would stop eating our plants.

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rivka
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Granted! Now he eats your neighbors' plants. And they would like a word with you . . .



I wish my allergies would be cured, with no side effects. (And to be clear, death and dismemberment are side effects, so don't get cute. [Razz] )

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Tante Shvester
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Granted your allergies are cured. Now, instead, you've got mine. And I'm allergic to DNA.

I wish someone would bring me a whole tureen of chicken soup. A lovely big tureen shaped like a tulip with ladybugs hanging off the sides as cups.

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Sterling
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Granted. A whole tureen of chicken soup. A lovely big tureen, shaped like a tulip, with ladybugs hanging off the sides as cups, as requested.

The soupbowl-sized ladybugs don't look like they're going to be content hanging on the side of the tureen for much longer, let alone being used as cups, though.

I wish toothpaste was entirely edible and wholesome.

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rivka
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quote:
Originally posted by Tante Shvester:
And I'm allergic to DNA.

I would think that would be fatal, but you seem to be alive, if not entirely well . . .

[Angst]

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Eduardo St. Elmo
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Granted. Your toothpaste is both edible and healthy. But as a side effect you will be constantly foaming at the mouth.

I wish that I had a more positive outlook.

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Tante Shvester
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quote:
Originally posted by rivka:
quote:
Originally posted by Tante Shvester:
And I'm allergic to DNA.

I would think that would be fatal, but you seem to be alive, if not entirely well . . .

[Angst]

You'd think. My body attacks it's own cell nuclei. What kind of a dumb idea is that? Bodies can be soooo dumb!
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Mr. Y
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Granted. Your Outlook inbox is now showing very bright colours and everytime you log in, you are greeted by a cheery voice wishing you a good day. Unfortunately all this is caused by a virus that, unbeknownst to you, adds vicious sneers at the bottom of all your outgoing messages.

I wish that it will be a white Christmas.

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Elmer's Glue
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Granted. Welcome to the Klan!

I wish I could fax objects.

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Noemon
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Granted! You, and everyone else, can now fax objects. Unfortunately for you, the first generation of object faxers don't have any sort of safety mechanism built into them to prevent the faxing of unwanted objects. Terrorists fax ticking time bombs to every fax machine in the country, plunging the US into a level of chaos you'll never be aware of, seeing as how you saw the "incoming object" light start flashing and went of to see what was being sent to you.

I wish that the free coffee in the breakroom tasted like real coffee.

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Nighthawk
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Granted. The coffee now tastes as if you were eating raw coffee beans. I hope you don't mind the borderline lethal caffeine content... But, mmmmmm... Crunchy!


I wish my company would buy me lunch every day.

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Tante Shvester
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Well, kind of. The unemployment insurance doesn't nearly make ends meet, but the food stamps help.

I wish I could play the guitar beautifully.

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Noemon
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Your guitar playing is hauntingly evocative, and has a beauty that seems to transcend material reality. Unfortunately, you develop an allergy to both nylon and steel, and are unable to play for more than a few moments before your fingers become a mass of blisters and weeping hives.

I wish I was a neutron bomb.

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Vadon
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Granted, but you're a dud.

I wish Nintendo would bring back the Virtual Boy.

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Sterling
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Granted; it's only available in Japan, and its headache-inducing qualities are such that it's strictly forbidden for import. But it dies a quick and ignominious death once again, anyway.

I wish media companies and pirates could come to an accord that didn't leave paying consumers getting shafted.

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Elmer's Glue
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Granted. Pirates and media company executives met at a reasonably priced Honda Accord to discuss their plans to roam the streets in their new Accord, robbing people.

I wish I had a new Beanie.

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Tante Shvester
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You have a new Beanie. However, no one mentions or compliments you on your new Beanie because it turns out that your old Beanie was the only notable thing about you, and without it, you are the most unremarkable, most easily overlooked, blandest smudge on the face of existence.

I wish the maintenance department would salt the sidewalks adequately.

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Noemon
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Granted! Your mayor vowed when he was campaigning that keeping the city's sidewalks adequately salted would be his administration's top priority, and he has been meticulously careful about keeping his promise. Unfortunately, the budgetary pool that funds sidewalk salting is miniscule. Using funds from a different pool, the mayor hires a contractor to tear out all of the city's sidewalks, save those of the block on which he lives. That block's sidewalks remain clear and passable all winter.

I wish that the stew that I made last night were slightly less tomato-y.

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BlackBlade
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Granted! Your stew is now absolute 100% tomato rather than the less than pure "tomato-y." Fortunately you are not serving it to a group of puritans from the 1500's.

I wish the broken string on my guitar would replace itself.

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Sterling
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Granted. The guitar replaces its own string, and then decides it wants nothing further to do with you and your string-breaking ways, and runs away.

I wish my neighbor was less exuberant in his use of fireworks.

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mr_porteiro_head
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Granted. He puts away his fireworks and pulls out his firearms.

I wish it were next Sunday already.

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Tante Shvester
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Granted. You awaken from your mysterious coma on a Sunday, to find that 20 years have passed. Your children are grown and no longer recognize you. You are known in the tabloids as "Porter van Winkle".

I wish I had a live-in maid to clean up after me and run errands.

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mr_porteiro_head
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BZZZ! I specifically said "next Sunday".
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Tante Shvester
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For you, that is the next Sunday.
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BlackBlade
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Is the game stuck now? Thanks alot Porter now we're at a permanent impasse!

edit: but just in case,

deleted: I've never deleted so long after writing, but there was compelling reasons to do so.

I'm dreadfully sorry Tante.

[ January 04, 2010, 05:57 PM: Message edited by: BlackBlade ]

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Noemon
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You need to make a wish, BlackBlade.
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Tante Shvester
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I wish that Blackblade's wish isn't totally lame.
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BlackBlade
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Granted!

I wish Noemon would stop noticing my mistakes.

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Sterling
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Granted. You probably should have picked someone else to ride shotgun with you when you were driving on that winding mountain road, though.

I wish there weren't so many toxic chemicals involved in making computers.

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rivka
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Granted! Of course, your Fluffy Bunnies™ Computer is no longer compatible with the internet, so you can't actually see this post.


I wish my cold were cured, with no lingering symptoms OR side effects.

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anonymous
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Granted, but now your whole family is suffering from that same cold.

I wish I hadn't spent all night on the Internet.

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Tante Shvester
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Granted. You spent the entire night in a yurt on the icy tundra, without benefit of plumbing, heat, or internet.

I wish the person I share my office with didn't have cat-themed tchotchkes all over the place.

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mr_porteiro_head
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quote:
Originally posted by BlackBlade:
Is the game stuck now? Thanks alot Porter now we're at a permanent impasse!

Hey. I'm the victim here. Everybody else got their literal wish.
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Uprooted
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Granted! The tchotchkes are gone and have been replaced with real cats.

I wish I could not work but keep getting my paycheck anyway.

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steven
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Granted! Unfortunately, you spend the extra time you have becoming a crack addict, and it all goes downhill from there.

I wish I could levitate.

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Sterling
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Granted! You can levitate. You just can't stop. Atmospheric entry is a harsh mistress.

I wish the tabloids that populate supermarket check-out lanes would go away.

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rivka
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Granted! There are no more tabloids anywhere in the supermarket. Instead, they're filling your house. And I think that's one of their "reporters" peering in your bedroom window . . .


I wish I had enough time to do everything I need to get done.

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Hobbes
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Granted, you no longer have any family, friends, jobs or any other ties to the world in any way. Enjoy your freedom!

I wish I actually believed that my starting a blog served any purpose besides pure ego.

Hobbes [Smile]

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rivka
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quote:
Originally posted by Hobbes:
Granted, you no longer have any family, friends, jobs or any other ties to the world in any way.

I had a feeling we'd be going in that direction. Is it bad that I'm ok with that solution? [Wink]
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Hobbes
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Is this your way of saying your joining the exodus from Hatrack? Because if so, I don't appreciate it! [Mad]

Hobbes [Smile]

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LargeTuna
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edited again

Granted!

Your blog has been very useful for an underground terrorrist cell. The comments section has served the purpose of being an untracable point to announce their first major attack! and umm ... if I were you I'd get out of town, the FBI are getting suspicious.

I wish there were more fun fluff threads here like this one.

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Sterling
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Granted. There are thousands. And dobies. Good luck ever finding the ones you were participating in. And if you do, they'll move so fast that your additions will be irrelevant by the time you hit 'Add Reply'.

I wish all the bad drivers would move to another state.

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Tante Shvester
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Granted. They do. And all the interstate traffic yields a horrendous cost in lives lost and property damaged.

I wish I were a little taller.

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Mr. Y
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Granted. You are grabbed from the street, pulled into an inconspicious van with tinted windows. You are escorted by some burly men into a dark, dank dungeon, where you are tied to the rack and stretched a bit until you give them the answers they want.

I wish I had a rabbit and a hat and a bat.

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BlackBlade
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Granted! Unfortunately your rhyming wish has malfunctioned and you now also have a mat, vat, cat, flat, prat, rat, and a gnat.

I wish it was warm and sunny up in the mountains while cold and snowy in the valleys.

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scifibum
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You got it, dude. As you might expect, local variations to the laws of physics had some odd side effects. You find that whenever you try to go uphill to enjoy some sun, you end up head down in a snow bank.

I wish my workplace offered napping facilities.

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LargeTuna
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Granted!

The napping facilities are a major sucess. So much so that some co-workers have decided to create a napping club and you gladly join. But the leaders of the club havd mysterios ideas, on how to sleep forever and dream joyous visions that never end. The plan fails and you all die.

I wish that I had a magic pencil that would give me A's on all my finals.

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Sterling
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Your teachers don't approve of your pencil's attempts to grade your finals before they do.

I wish plastics were more biodegradable.

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