posted
Granted: All the phlegm in your throat and nasal cavity moves into your stomach and multiplies thousands of times. Your stomach bloats to the point that you look pregnant. You actually think you are pregnant so you outfit a nursery and start buying baby clothes. Nine months later instead of giving birth, you explode sending phlegm and guts all over the beautiful new nursery. Don't you wish you had just kept the stuffy nose?
I wish my daughter was completely potty-trained.
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! You wake up to see your daughter on the toilet happy as a clam saying: "Mommy I did it! I made in the potty!! I'm a big girl now!" Too bad she's 35!
I wish that I would get the graduate assistantship I'm trying so hard for.
Posts: 66 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Congratulations. You are about to embark on the discovery of a lifetime. Unfortunately the fine print describing this particular graduate assistanceship has you preparing all the professor's lectures, designing and grading every test (don't forget the essay questions) and baby-sitting two spoiled children every Thursday night.
I wish I understood philosophy.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! You now know that the end of philosophy is the sure knowledge that the truth can never be known. However, this leaves you with nothing else to learn, and you find yourself looking for reasons to stay.
I wish we could all just get along.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
And you get a call informing you of thier arrival. After you pick them up you notice something is not quite right, but you have no time to go back in to have them examined; Everything is going wrong and your glasses are the least of your problems, except for the nagging headaches they cause. Finally you get an opportunity to go in and have them examined. You find out that not only have they reversed your left and right lenses, but that they tweaked the astigmatism adjustment. (Wait, you don't have astigmatism? I'm sure that was in the perscription..) Now, not only will you need new glasses, you will also require corrective surgery because of a rare condition caused by wearing the wrong glasses.
I wish there were another hour in the day. One hour more for blissfull sleep or whatever other pursuit of pure selfishness you choose to follow.
posted
There is another hour in the day! Unfortunately, this means that the Earth's rotation is slowing. Soon, the planet will be locked so that one side faces the sun and bakes to a crisp, while the other side faces out into space and is frozen solid. Life persists in a narrow band at the interface between the two sides where, due to a slight wobble, you experience six months of sunlight followed by six months of near-total darkeness.
I wish someone would make a nut butter out of brazil nuts.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Oh what a hit it becomes! Soon it is a staple in every home worldwide, some think that it might actually become the single thing that connects us all socially. Unfortunately, the environmental impact is devastating, half the remaining amazon is decimated in attempts to make nicely rowed brazil nut farms. Brazil also becomes the new middle east as it is discovered that oil extracted from brazil nuts is .42% more effective than ethanol at producing a more efficient fuel product, inducing the rest of the amazon to be turned into nutfarms and housing tracts. Wars become regular occurances when nuts are in short supply. The ecological devistation is irreversable, causing giant storms in the northern hemisphere that distinctly resemble the premise behind bad movies of previous decades. Brazilnutbutter is a sign of impending apocalypse.
I wish linux really was viable as a competitor for a desktop OS.
Posts: 686 | Registered: Sep 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
(nice one calaban, let's see if I can do your wish justice)
Granted! Linux is such a strong competitor for a desktop OS that it floods the market pushing out all other competitors. Microsoft and Apple are shoved out of the market all together and everything we have been using on our computers is now obsolete. All other computers, software, and peripherals must be replaced in order to use Linux and the entire economy is in complete disarray. The financial districts have to switch over so there is a panic in the market and all stock prices fall to an all-time low, throwing our country into a depression unlike one we have ever known. Also since most schools are equipped with huge computer systems they can't afford to replace since the government keeps cutting the budget, all public schools close. Now only the rich can send their kids to expensive private schools widening the gap between the lower and upper classes. Now that there are fewer and fewer qualified people entering the work force, we ship more and more of our labor to overseas locales boosting their economies, while lowering our own. In thirty years, our country becomes a third world country with only a few wealthy citizens and loads of poverty stricken, uneducated folks. We have to rely on countries in the Middle East and South America for aid. We lose our status as the world's superpower and other countries who remember how things used to be, decide now is a good time to bomb us. A nuclear bomb decimates what is left of our country. Thanks a lot.
I wish my clock didn't tick so loud.
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! The ticking volume has been lowered, but the sound has been replaced with Gilbert Gottfried repeatedly saying "tick... tick...". When the alarm goes off, he screams "WAKE UP, YOU MORON!" with sufficient intensity to shatter your screen doors.
I wish the guy next to me at work wasn't such a moron.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
He is no longer a moron. In fact he is now a smart, great guy who is everyones friend. Unfortunately the company has to make some cutbacks and given that he is everyone best bud now, You are the one who is given the "opportunity to explore new avenues".
I wish my tires would never have a slow leak. ever.
Posts: 686 | Registered: Sep 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Your tires, all four of them, now have a very very fast leak, what one might call a burst, while you are hurtling down the freeway at 75mph with a busload of nuns and orphans right behind you.
I wish my brother's dog that ran away last week would come back.
Posts: 2596 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! He's back! Of course, in the past week he's been the subject of numerous experiments involving radioactivity, so he's now larger than your house. No matter; he looks so adorable while he's eating your neighbor's BMW...
I wish I wasn't so hungry right now.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
It does. Unfortunately, it was struck and killed by a car shortly after it ran away last week, and it returns as a zombie. When your brother, not yet realizing its undead condition, reaches out to pet it it bites him. By the next morning your brother is himself a zombie, and by week's end the entire city in which he lived is in chaos. Soon the zombie plague will have spread throughout the world.
I wish that I wasn't allergic to anything.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! You are now allergic to EVERYTHING! The very air you breathe is a toxic fume, and your skin burns wherever your clothes touch. As you writhe on the ground in your death throes, your final thought is that an allergy to tree nuts shellfish really wasn't all that bad...
I wish the view out of my window at work wasn't obstructed by construction vehicles.
Posts: 5422 | Registered: Dec 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! The construction vehicles all get to work piling a huge mountain directly in front of your apt complex. The pile is just high enough to completely obscure your view of anything, but hey the construction vehicles are gone right?
I wish I qualified and knew how to effectively aquire a pel grant.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! You fill out all the grueling paperwork for federal student aid correctly and send it off, sure that your Pell grant will be granted. Unfortunately you send it to the Pel Grant and you are given just $500 and are required to teach in a Louisiana school.
I wish that my 3-year-old daughter could wear a size four pant without them being too short or a size 5 pant without them being too big in the waist. She is a nightmare to buy clothes for!
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Your daughter's figure shortly adjusts to fit nicely into a size 5. Unfortunately this is a one-time mystical adjustment and everything from her waist-down ceases to grow, despite the fact that everything above her waist develops normally.
I wish that california were somehow located right where Indiana currently resides (and I realize this is way too easy to twist, as the wish itself is arguably bad.)
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Through a quirky thing called "the Earth's rotation" California is rapidly approaching the spot where Indiana was (give or take) when you wrote that post. Waste of wish if ever I saw one.
I wish everything was perfect.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Everything is now perfect. However, as anybody knows, absolute perfection is unattainable and therefor everything is now just beyond your reach.
I wish for a fish on a dish.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted. Unfortunately the teacher is awfully literal, and the first parents who hire you aren't real happy when you immediately (and in a very well taught manner!) sit on their baby.
I wish could take a nap.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted. You are immediately freed of all responsibilities. This includes being fired from your job, breaking up with your significant other, being expelled from school, etc. You can now take a nap whenever you wish.
I wish my car wasn't broken and in a different city from where I live.
Posts: 354 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted. Your car is in perfect condition, and in front of your house. But, before you can move it (because you loose the keys and can't find the copies), all the surrounding area becomes a construction site and your car is "trapped" in its present spot. It sure *looks* great, though!
I wish the next poster found happiness.
Posts: 1154 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Libbie gets a pony, a nice house, a bunch of agility dogs, publishes a hundred bestselling, award-winning books, and her husband continues to be awesome. Unfortunately, she gets a disease that slowly eats away at the happiness center of her brain, causing her to be totally unable to feel any emotion associated with happiness.
aww...this is no fun! You're mean, suminonA.
I wish I had a horse!
Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Aww thanks! I find happiness but being the slob that I am, I lose it again. I am thrown into the depths of despair and search endlessly to find happiness again. I cant live without happiness now that I know what it feels like and beg everyone I come into contact with to help me find it again. Since people think I am nuts, I get thrown in the looney bin and since I know I did not leave my happiness there, I become irrational to the point of having to be sedated for my own safety. You can have your darn happiness, thanks!
Darn! I am too slow!
Granted! You have a horse. It is a Charlie horse in your calf and no matter how much you try to walk it off, it just won't go away. Ouch!
I wish I knew how to sew.
Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! You now have all the knowledge one could ever have about sewing. But, as practice makes perfect, you will have to gain some experience in performing the task. Unfortunately the only materials you have on hand to actually start sewing, are a dull needle and this never-ending thread. Say goodbye to any free time you might have enjoyed.
I wish I knew how to do a deer.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
If only it had been the storage space that you bonked your head on, rather than the emergency self destruct button that the paranoid previous owner of the storage space installed just outside it.
On the plus side, you made News of the Weird. On the negative side, there are gobbets of you spattered across a several mile radius.
I wish I could consciously control probabilities.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted. You now control all probabilities consciously, so you can “predict” (i.e. impose your wish on) any probabilistic event. Things such as lottery and dice games are your new way of earning your life. Obviously, you keep winning more and more (and become disgustingly rich in a very short time), and you are so pleased, that you forget a simple fact: people become suspicious when you NEVER lose. So, they soon observe the fact that you actually control probabilistic outcome and they realize that you become the greatest cheater there is/was. The news is so shocking that it gets world-wide knowledge in just a few days. So, nobody wants to deal with you anymore, not even your family and friends. People are actually afraid of you (they consider you some kind of a monster) and avoid you, or chase you off their properties. Although you still have what you won until now, you can’t do anything with your winnings. Not even buy water or food. You die of hunger and thirst admiring the “wealth” that you have.
quote:Originally posted by Libbie: aww...this is no fun! You're mean, suminonA.
Hey, you were supposed to turn my wish against ME, not against yourself!
I wish deities were testable.
Posts: 1154 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Due to a clerical error with Dell purchasing, a 2,100" computer monitor is delivered courtesy of three helicopters, and dropped on your front lawn to the dismay of your surrounding neighbors. You get to enjoy it for a whole day before your local military base deems it a threat to their airspace, and they promptly dispatch a squad of F-18s to obliterate it and everything within a quarter mile.
I wish it wasn't so cold here at the office.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Time is rewound, and you find yourself in 1985, the proud winner of a new sweepstakes put on by both Dodge and NASA. As the winner, you get to be the first civilian in space. Apparently they'd been planning on having a public school teacher go up, but finally decided to go with Dodge's idea instead.
Your shuttle flight will be taking off on January 28th of next year, just a few short months away--better start preparing now!
I wish the dodo weren't extinct.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Due to their little known reproductive cycle, dodos are now the most common animal in the world, outnumbering cockroaches and rats by several orders of magnitude. And, since each dodo is about the size of a beach ball, their sheer volume smothers every other living creature on Earth.
I wish my wife would get here soon to give me the cellphone I left behind at home.
posted
Due to an SMS virus, your phone is recieving text messages that are meant for someone else. Your wife, after reading the messages to you from Tawney about your "meetings" gives you your cell phone by throwing throw a plate-glass window at your head.
I wish I had a job I enjoyed.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! You feel a strange gratification in being the one to throw the switch on executed convicts, unfortunately you find your vocation leaves you with no friends as if you mention it people find reasons to leave you alone. You enjoy your job, the rest of your life sucks.
I wish my college football team (BYU Cougars) would win every single game this season.
posted
You do. Unfortunately after photos of you and your enjoyable job at Abu Graib prison are published, not only do you lose said job, face prosecution and abuse at home, but several religious organizations in the mid-east have put a religious contract out for your head, or other portions of you anatomy.
Darn You Blackblade, for getting there first.
I grant you your wish. Unfortunately after the final game of the season, there remarkable turn around results in deep probes and drug tests. They are all arrested, shipped off, and basically becomes a topic for late night talk show humor. Your entire degree is now a joke.
I wish that I had CLifford the Big Red Dog.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Now you can't find your car, you can't come within fifty yards of your backyard because of the smell, and the last time he scratched himself at length the neighbor's house collapsed.
I wish my vision wasn't this bad.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Everything in the world blurs and becomes obscured to match the focus of your eyes. Everyone else has to get glasses/contacts (if they already have they have to get new perscriptions). People who have had laser eye surgery done have to get more done, or get glasses/contacts anyway. Somehow this unexplained hell is linked to you and an angry person scoops out both your eyes with a spork.
I wish OSC would finish the Alvin Maker Series, All Ender Books, and Empire, and that they were all compacted together into one collection that released at Christmas for $10.
Posts: 14316 | Registered: Jul 2005
| IP: Logged |
posted
You feel a tingling sensation as a wave of subtle energy washes through you. In its wake, you feel...different. It's silly, you know, but it you almost feel as though you aren't allergic to nuts anymore. Cautiously, a liter bottle of Benadryl in hand and sure in your knowledge that you have several more stashed around your house and in your car, you pick up a walnut. After working up your nerve for several minutes, you pop the nut into your mouth, swallowing it so hastily that you hardly have a chance to taste it. You wait, and...nothing. No swelling throat. No redness. Nothing. You can breathe as clearly as you were able to five minutes ago. You are no longer allergic to nuts. With a whoop of delight, you grab an almond, toss it in the air, and catch it in your mouth. The nut lodges firmly in your throat and you asphyxiate, trying vainly to give yourself the Heimlich using the edge of a counter.
I wish that I weren't allergic to horses.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! You're now a shapeshifter who's incapable of making up his mind about the shape he wants to take on. The other individuals in your community of shapeshifters are going bonkers because they can never identify you. You are deemed a security risk and banished into limbo for the remainder of your natural life.
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.
Posts: 993 | Registered: Jul 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! In fact, through a weird time-travel thing we aren't going to explain, you ARE your dear papa, and your mama too! Sort of self-made man, er, woman.
I wish I could find my missing CDs.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Unfortunately, your CDs wound up in a secure bunker a mile underneath the Pentagon. The Department of Defense, amazed at the fact that you managed to get through all their security measures, briefly consider hiring you as a special operative. But, thanks to a brief memo from the President himself, they decide it'd be much better to erase you and your entire existance. This includes the subtle elimination of you, your parents, your friends, etc... and an accidental nuclear incident in your hometown to take care of those that might have seen you at some point in your life.
I wish I hadn't been late to work today.
Posts: 3486 | Registered: Sep 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! In an effort to make sure you didn't sleep through your alarm you accidentally woke up a half hour before you went to bed and showed up at work 12 hours early, but were too afraid to go back home in case you'd be late.
I wish I had a teleporter that could take me back and forth between LA and Columbus.
Posts: 1038 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Granted! Of course, the transit time is 37 years, each way. And you experience every minute, aging as normal. But you can stick it to those overpriced airlines!
I wish my nose wasn't running.
Posts: 5422 | Registered: Dec 2001
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
You're mean, suminonA.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
