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» Hatrack River Forum » Active Forums » Books, Films, Food and Culture » The monkey's paw -- a game (Page 11)

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Author Topic: The monkey's paw -- a game
katharina
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Granted! They are the bamboo-reed, hand-sewn two-inch mules from Morocco, and your boss won't let you wear them.

I wish I'd remembered to bring cash to buy breakfast with this morning.

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AbeLinclon
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You have money added to your checking accout but every food place in town doesn't accept checks or cards and every ATM is broken. The bank is closed.

I wish I knew what jesus would do for a klondike bar.

[ October 11, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: AbeLinclon ]

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Turgan
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GRANTED! Unfortunately, the only thing he WANTS to do is sever your connection with life... oh yeah... and you forget how to breath. (el oh el)

I wish I wasn't my clone.

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Noemon
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Kat, you remembered to bring cash for breakfast after all. Unfortunately, the cash that you brought was the Lao kip. Given that the exchange rate is 10,835 kip to the US dollar, and given that you brought only single kip coins, you understandably develop back problems on your way to your local eatery. Once you get there, the guy running the register just looks at you funny, since he's never even heard of the kip, and is certainly not prepared to accept it as legal tender for debts either public or private.

Abe, you've discovered what Jesus would do for a Klondike bar. Apparently, what he's willing to do is return to Earth, ushering in a 1000 year reign of peace. Well, for those that survive the tribulations, anyway. You, unfortunately, are not among that august number, and just asking the question of what Jesus would do for a Klondike bar was apparently enough to rile him up and send you stright to hell upon your death.

Turgan, you aren't your clone. This is really very unfortunate for you, since your clone has achieved everything in life that you've ever dreamed of doing, while you, at 40, are still living in your parents' basement and working at the same dead end fast food job that you were in high school. On the plus side, you get all the free fries you want. Your clone can't make that claim!

I wish that I had a personal chef who would perpare me whatever foods I requested at a moment's notice.

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jehovoid
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Granted, Noemon. But you will also find yourself unable to break your habit of shouting out "Good gravy!" and "Crap on a stick!" whenever you're surprised, happy, angry, etc... This diet will grow tiresome.

I wish I was 3 inches taller.

[ October 13, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: jehovoid ]

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Turgan
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GRANTED! Your name is now "3 inches taller"
(Crappy, I know.. it woulda been better if i knew how tall you actually were.)

I wish i could get this damn book finished and published.

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Vadon
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granted, however it will not be published under your name. Thus, you gain no profit for it, you will not be able to sue the company for theft.

I wish someone would decide for me wheter or not to do National Novel Writing Month.

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MEC
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granted, a guy with a knife decides for you by killing you.

I wish for you to be unable to grant this wish.

[ October 11, 2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]

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Turgan
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GRANTED!!!! Unforunately, i DID... somehow... uhm... AND YOU FORGET HOW TO BREATHE!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HYA HA HA HA! Headache...

I wish Dad would hurry up and get here.

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KageMusha
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quote:
I wish Dad would hurry up and get here.
Granted. Dad would have been 95 this year if he hadn't been decapitated in that buggy accident. That's probably him knocking on the door...

I wish I had a big pumpkin in my garden.

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MEC
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granted, however, the green goblin has become real and that is a nuclear class explosive in your garden.

I wish whoever grants this wish to have a pizza.

[ October 11, 2004, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: MEC ]

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Vadon
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Granted, however, you pay for it.

I wish I could get my resume done.

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skillery
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quote:
I wish I could get my resume done.
Granted, your cruise control's resume button is now properly wired. Unfortunately, you decided to road test it before wiring the cruise disablé and decelleraté buttons.

I wish our community was serviced by a round-the-clock mortician.

[ October 11, 2004, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: skillery ]

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Megan
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[um...why?] but, hey, it is! And considering the volume of dead bodies stemming from that outbreak of ebola, it's a darn good thing, isn't it?

I wish I could take a nap right now.

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Bob_Scopatz
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You can. And now. And now. And now. And now..............
...
...
...
..
...
...

I wish I could invent something that everyone needs.

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Turgan
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GRANTED! Unfortunately, the reason everyone needed it is because no one had it. And the reason no one had it is because the powers that be (God) didn't want them to have it. You have now angered God... if you'll just give me a couple of seconds to run as far away as I can from you, he'll begin his smiting.

I wish I had some pepsi right now.

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Noemon
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Will he make Bob forget to breathe, Turgan?

Before you sits a chilled two litre of Pepsi, along with a glass. When you fill the glass, however, you discover that the Pepsi is completely flat.

I wish that my natural inclination were to finish projects ahead of schedule, instead of procrastinating and then having to rush to complete them at the last minute.

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Turgan
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GRANTED! You finish projects two weeks in advance, from now on. And everything is going great until your boss comes to you one day and asks for you to work on a certain file that he's been wanting you to work on for two weeks but never ask. You bring it out and say "DONE!" and he comes to the conclusion that you've been spying in on his office and he doesn't like that.
I hope you like unemployment.

I wish I was still in Highschool.

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Teshi
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Granted. You're in grade nine forever at a school that beleives first year hazing "builds character".

I wish my evening class tonight was canceled!

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Turgan
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what is first year hazing????

Anyway... GRANTED! Unfortunately, you now have to take it Christmas morning.

I wish I was home right now.

[ October 12, 2004, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: Turgan ]

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Noemon
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Your class tonight is cancelled, due to the massive earthquake that leveled the building in which it was to be held, along with the rest of your campus. Furthermore, the infrastructure of the country was so completely devastated by the earth quake that it will likely be years before life settles down enough for you to even think about returning to school.

I wish that I had a fresh piece of gum.

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Turgan
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HA! I beat you.
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Megan
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Noemon, you are now the proud owner of a fresh piece of gum...a fresh piece of ABC gum. Ewwwwwww.

I wish people would BELIEVE me when I say, "No, really, your document is gone, and there's no getting it back. Sorry."

edited because "no" does not have a "t" in it. *at self* obsessive much?

[ October 12, 2004, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: Megan ]

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katharina
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Granted! You are believed, and the people become so sorrowful at their loss of data they break down in front of you and you must pat them on the head and feed them chocolate all day.

I wish I'd remembered to take the old nail polish off my nails this morning.

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Jess N
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quote:
I wish I'd remembered to take the old nail polish off my nails this morning.
GRANTED! Unfortunately you chose the wrong bottle from the shelf of various household chemicals and used liquid lye to accomplish this task. OUCH!
[Cry]

I wish I were leaving work right now!

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Megan
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Granted...but it's because you were fired. [Frown]

I wish people would be polite to each other. Especially in the library. Didn't people ever learn that they're not supposed to talk loudly in a library?

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Polio
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People are now silent in libraries. Now a new phenomonon is sweeping the nation! The library overflows with TALKING BOOKS... "they read, so you don't have to".

I wish I knew what career I wanted to pursue.

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Teshi
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Your life ambition is now to scrape the gum off pavements with a toothbrush. It brings you great fulfilment.

I wish I could get over my writers block on my essay.

[ October 12, 2004, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Teshi ]

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Noemon
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Your writers block vanishes. Unfortunately, it is replaced with an almost manic logorrhea. You write reams of material, but your teacher can make neither heads nor tails of it, and reluctantly flunks you.

I wish that the bruised spot on the ball of my foot would heal.

[ October 12, 2004, 04:28 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]

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Megan
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It does...but a la an OSC story (for which I can't remember the title...argh..."Malpractice," maybe?), it's SOMEONE ELSE'S skin that heals over it! [Angst]

I wish I didn't have to take a French exam tonight.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted, but your lack of proficiency in French turns into a lifelong sore point and any time you hear any speak in that language, a little piece of your self esteem is chipped away. Finally, you go around pretending to speak French but instead become completelly affected and just mutter "moi?" constantly. Quel triste.

I wish I could do stand up comedy.

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sarcasticmuppet
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Granted! You're so good you go on tour. You perform alongside Carrot Top and Paulie Shore five nights a week for the rest of your life.

I wish "7th heaven" was cancelled and it's existence was permanently removed from the collective memory of the universe.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted. However, its slot is filled by the Carrot Top/Pauly Shore/Bob_Scopatz comedy hour.

I wish I had an inkling.

[ October 12, 2004, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: Bob_Scopatz ]

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sarcasticmuppet
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WORTH IT!!!
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dkw
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Granted. However, while it is very cute, it leaves blue ink stains on all your shirts.

I wish I wasn't in such a crabby mood.

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Bob_Scopatz
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Oh, did I forget to mention, special guest host...Gallagher.

Every week!!!

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Bob_Scopatz
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Granted, but someone makes she-crab soup out of you, and you're not really all that fond of heavy cream.

I wish dkw would call me.

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sarcasticmuppet
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STILL WORTH IT!!!
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vwiggin
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Granted. However, while it is very cute, it leaves blue ink stains on all your shirts.

This is how rumors get started. Because, let's face it. I'm going to start one. [Smile]

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rivka
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She does. But when she hangs up, it's still almost six months until April.




I wish I could keep my job, but it would stop annoying me.

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sarcasticmuppet
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Granted. You're given emotion-supressing drugs through the office water cooler. You find yourself much less annoyed at work, or anything else for that matter. Your young children learn from you to be emotionless automatons, and show up on a few Stargate episodes.

I wish I had all the MST3K DVD collections.

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Megan
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You do. However, DVD has now been superseded entirely by a format that is completely incompatible with it, your DVD player is broken, and you don't have a computer that can play DVDs. So, all you can do is sit and look at the pretty boxes and read the summaries on the back of the boxes.

I wish I had the day entirely free.

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Noemon
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From the bunk of your cell, you gaze out the window at the tiny strip of sky that is all you can see of the outside, and all you will see of it for the next 20 years. The only thing on your calendar is eating the moldy bread and pond water that will be delivered to your cell at around noon by a gaoler who may or may not be mute. Your day is completely free.

I wish I wasn't having such a hard time staying awake.

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Turgan
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GRANTED! You now have no eye lids.

I wish i had some water right now.

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Megan
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Granted! There's a sudden, enormous flood; the streets for miles around are now rivers, and your house is completely underwater.

I wish I could stop procrastinating. (but I'll do it later [Wink] )

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Turgan
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Granted! But now you're a workaholic and ditch all your friends to do certain projects... in the end, you die lonely a miserable all because you did everything right then and there.

I wish i didn't have to put my marriage off until 2006.

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Noemon
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No problem Turgan! Now you have to put your marriage off until 2010!

I wish that humanity were a less shortsighted, less greedy species.

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Anna
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Granted. Humanity discovers we are too many on this planet to all live in peace, and therefore decides to kill one on ten persons. You are in the ones to be killed, as all your family.
I wish my students to get rid of their @{#~ mobile phones.
EDIT for grammar reasons [Embarrassed]

[ October 13, 2004, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Anna ]

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MEC
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granted, all mobile phones on earth are replaced by the voice amplifier speaker things.

I wish for nothing.

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Megan
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You suddenly cease to exist.

I wish my husband would do the dishes.

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